004 ~Private~
What's wrong with me? I've been so mad lately...I've never had real emotions by myself before, and now that I do that's all I can feel? Is it even what I'm feeling?
I still don't even know what's real or what's mine. No wonder I've been so confused lately. I can't even sort out what I'm thinking. My past was so muddled, it's mine again now but...it feels far away, like a dream. I wonder if Sora remembers my past. I remember his...sometimes his is clearer than mine. I don't get it. I am separate now right? I should be myself...why do I still feel like him?
Just talking through the link hurts now. It didn't before. It hurts as bad as it did when we split. I don't get it. Is it because of the disagreements? Maybe...yeah that would make sense. Damn, what does that feel like?...It's like, I start with an emotion and he has a different one...then they just bounce back and forth and muddle. Like a...mirror reflecting in a mirror. Except the images get bigger each time. They just go back and forth getting more intense and I don't even know which one was mine...were any of them mine? Am I actually feeling something, or do I just think I am. No wonder all I 'feel' is frustrated lately. I don't even know what I'm thinking, it's too jumbled. I hate being this confused!
I wonder if Namine is going through the same thing now...I hope not.
I don't get anything anymore! It was ok before I was Sora...mostly, I didn't remember anything so at least I knew anything I did remember was mine....but that's not even true. I still had dreams about his past, they just made even less sense because I didn't know where they were from. When I was Sora again...I think I was ok. I felt complete, whole...I knew what was going on. All of the dreams/memories I'd been getting finally made sense. It took awhile to process all of them, and for me to want to be whole...I wonder...did my memories as me before I joined him fade because I wanted them to, or did they fade and then I didn't mind being Sora? Gah! Just what I need, something else to think about to not understand.
Ok, so I was mostly ok with being Sora right? Why did I want to split? Right... Axel, came back. I can blame him...no. I wanted to see him again, and I know he wanted to see me...he said so. It's not the first time...I wanted to split when he..died..too, I almost did, but something must have been different this time. I'm confused enough as it is, without adding that on to it. People are coming back from the dead, me being able to split from my other isn't that much odder.
I don't even understand him anymore. Maybe I just never did... No, I knew he was a lying manipulating bastard, but why did it still hurt when he went behind my back to the organization meeting? Did it hurt or did it make me mad? Sora was at that meeting too...which emotion was mine? were either of them? Dammit, I'm going in a circle. No, I think at least one of those was mine, or at least specifically borrowed from Sora...because everytime I thought back to him saying he wanted to be "more than friends" (whatever that really means) it got worse...and I don't think Sora knows about that. It looks like he has a lot easier time ignoring my half of the connection than I do his. But then...he's had 3 years of practice at ignoring me.
I thought that writing this out would help me make sense of it. Dammit. I'm still just as confused. I hate not knowing what's going on.