Title: Kissing Cards - Chapter 05 - The Ass
Rating: PG-13 for a lot of swearing and mouth-rape.
Pairing: Xiumin/Exo , Xiumin/Baekhyun
Word Count: 3.449
Summary: Baekhyun’s a biter, pop-locking is so last month, and Minseok’s milk shake brings all the boys to the yard. Also, that never happened.
A/N: This is un-edited and a little rushed so sorry about that.
Chapter 01 |
Chapter 02 |
Chapter 03 |
Chapter 04 |
Chapter 06 |
Chapter 07 |
Chapter 08 Minseok was able to keep hitting Luhan with the silent treatment for all of ten minutes the next morning before everything went to hell.
There he’d been, minding his own business, methodically banging his fist on the bathroom door in an attempt to get Luhan to hurry up in the shower, when it happened. Luhan was in between singing Infinite’s 'Be Mine’ and ‘N Sync’s ‘It‘s Gonna Be Me’ at the top of his lungs to try and drown out the noise, and Minseok was just about to walk in there and bodily remove him from the bathroom when the door to their dorm room burst open and Byun Baekhyun walked in looking nothing short of furious.
Minseok stopped pounding on the bathroom door. Luhan stopped trying to make people’s ears bleed. Baekhyun got right into Minseok’s face, eyes narrowed in a offended glare, and Minseok had the sudden urge to apologize profusely, though for what he didn’t know.
“Don’t speak,” Baekhyun growled, and Minseok nodded his head frantically, trying not to knock their noses together in the process. It was harder than it sounded.
“I know just what you’re sayin’~” Luhan sang loudly, causing Baekhyun to let out a wordless snarl.
Minseok wondered if there was a particular reason why Baekhyun was still all up in his space, but at the same time he was weary to open his mouth and ask.
“~So please stop explaining~”
“Don’t fucking move,” Baekhyun demanded, and Minseok was about to nod again before he remembered that that would be moving, and he didn’t want to do that just in case Baekhyun decided to take a pair of chopsticks to his ballsack (oh the horror).
“~Don’t tell me 'cause it hurts!”
And then suddenly Baekhyun was kissing him, and wow - okay, he could admit he hadn’t seen that coming, but it was alright because while he kind of hated Baekhyun (just a little, but he didn’t feel bad about it because Baekhyun hated everyone) it was too early in the morning to fight it.
Well, it was too early until Baekhyun bit down on his bottom lip.
Minseok had a problem with that. Not because he didn’t like biters (seriously, who didn’t like biters), but because it was Baekhyun, and Minseok refused to be dominated by a guy who fucking wore eyeliner every day, the same guy that had - on more than one occasion - called himself a ‘diva’ (complete with a flamboyant wave of his hand).
Minseok might’ve been easy, but he wasn’t a bitch, and he certainly wasn’t the bitch, especially not when it came to guyliner-wearing mega-gay drama freaks. He fucking refused.
With pursed lips and a clenched jaw, Minseok put his hands on Baekhyun’s shoulders and shoved him away. There was a satisfying moment when Baekhyun stumbled back, but then the Drama major regained his balance and sneered “suck it up, jock strap,” before lunging at Minseok once more.
(There was a joke somewhere in there, Minseok was sure of it, but he was a little distracted by Baekhyun shoving his tongue down Minseok’s throat, and anyways he’d never been very good at making jokes.)
The problem with Baekhyun not giving up was that when Minseok tried to push him away again, Baekhyun saw it coming and grabbed onto Minseok’s biceps with a surprisingly firm grip, refusing to be moved.
Minseok tried a new tactic, biting down hard on Baekhyun’s tongue (which was probably the wrong thing to do since Baekhyun seemed to be using it to count each and every one of Minseok’s teeth), and Baekhyun retaliated by pinching Minseok’s arm hard enough to bruise.
Not to be deterred, Minseok stomped on Baekhyun’s foot.
Baekhyun kicked him in the shin without missing a beat.
Minseok was starting to lose the ability to breathe.
He stopped pushing Baekhyun away long enough to slam his fist into the Drama major’s stomach.
Baekhyun blanched and bit down on Minseok’s lip again, this time hard enough to draw blood.
Minseok gave up, because seriously it was too early in the morning for this shit. Instead, he stood stock still, hands curled into fists at his sides, breathing out through his mouth and in through his nose just to be an asshole (it wasn’t like he’d had a chance to brush his teeth yet, so really it was Baekhyun’s fault for not waiting until a decent time of day to accost him), and began counting down the seconds until this misery ended.
He got to fifteen before Baekhyun finally pulled away, grabbing his phone out of pocket and shouting ‘time!’ victoriously before sending Minseok a venomous glare. Minseok glared back, silently seething, until Baekhyun rolled his eyes and spun around on his heel.
Minseok thought he was going to leave (he was hopeful. It wasn’t too much to ask for, right?) but Baekhyun only went to Minseok’s desk, opening the drawer and pulling out ‘04. The Ass’ and holding it up for Minseok to see before slowly ripping it to shreds.
This was unfortunate, because Minseok really liked the artwork on that one. Someone had managed to create a likeness of Lee Junho’s ass from the band 2PM, and it was really quite amazingly done.
Now Lee Junho’s ass was no more.
What a pity.
Tossing the remaining shreds of confetti into the wastebasket next to Minseok’s desk, Baekhyun crossed his arms over his chest and said “that never happened. Tell anyone I came within so much as ten fucking feet of you and you’ll wake up as a Eunuch.” before striding out through the open door.
Minseok stood there, slack-jawed and covering his crotch with his hands, until something slammed into his back and we went sprawling. He just barely managed to keep his face from meeting the carpet, instead landing on his hands and knees and turning his head to see that Luhan had walked out of the bathroom looking disturbed and very, very naked..
“Holy shit I can’t believe that just happened,” he hissed, quickly lowering himself onto the floor as Minseok slowly moved to sit down. “Are you okay? Do you need a hug?”
Minseok nodded, waiting until he felt the warmth of Luhan’s arms around his torso before saying “I feel kind of violated.”
“My poor baby!” Luhan cried, clutching Minseok’s face to his chest and petting his hair comfortingly. It really helped. “It’s okay Seokkie! Lu Ge won’t let the bad man hurt you ever again!”
“I really need to brush my teeth,” Minseok told him seriously, his voice muffled by Luhan’s bare chest. “And a shower. Yeah. I definitely need a shower. You didn’t use the last of the good mouthwash, did you?”
----
Although Minseok had had a fairly awful morning (that whole ‘Baekhyun attacking him and then threatening to cut off his dick’ thing really put a damper on things) it was quick to get better.
Not only had Minseok gotten a hot shower, and the last of the good mouthwash (the kind that tasted like bubblegum, which Minseok preferred over the minty crap the school provided them with) but Luhan was being unexpectedly sweet to him instead of the angry douche bag he’d been earlier.
Minseok assumed it was kind of like survivor’s guilt, and he certainly wasn’t going to point out that Luhan didn’t really need to put a bandaid on Minseok’s lip, or take his notes for him during first period, or give him the last Milky Way.
It also helped that when they were in the hallway on the way to second period, they passed by Kyungsoo. Minseok was about to give him the customary greeting (‘hello’ was always a good one. Or maybe ‘wassup’), when Kyungsoo stopped them, looking harried. “Hey,” Kyungsoo greeted, pressing a quick kiss to the corner of Minseok’s lips. A quick (and incredibly unexpected) kiss turned into a not-so-quick (and slightly less unexpected) kiss, and it ended only after Kyungsoo glanced at his watch and murmured “I’m late, I’m late, I’m very, very late!” before running off without another word.
“Well that was weird,” Luhan stated brightly, looping his arm through Minseok’s and pulling him towards Chemistry. “You wanna get some bubble tea after school?”
Minseok nodded, and that was that.
Of course, things momentarily went downhill about half-way through lunch when Luhan abandoned him after getting a text (“Dammit, what could they possibly want this time?” Luhan huffed before getting to his feet, lunch mostly untouched, and running off without so much as a ‘by your leave’.) and didn’t come back until two minutes before their next class, out of breath and clearly irritated.
But of course, things couldn’t get too bad when there was the promise of bubble tea later. Unfortunately, Minseok had to postpone their outing when he got a text during last period from Joonmyeon asking if he wouldn’t mind stopping by his dorm after class to give an update on the Kissing Cards thing.
By that time, Luhan’s sweet streak had worn off (Minseok assumed it was because he’d barely eaten anything all day, which was enough to piss anyone off) and he grumbled about being abandoned and how he might as well just jump into the fucking Han river because it wasn’t like Minseok would even notice...
“Of course I would notice!” Minseok exclaimed, highly offended by the accusation. “Who else would protect me from Baekhyun if you killed yourself? Minho!” Minseok finished before Luhan could even open his mouth. “And that would be awful, because all Baekhyun would have to do is promise to give him Kibum’s number and suddenly I’m getting ass-raped by that guyliner-wearing douche-monster while Minho stands in the corner sending cute emoticon’s to a bitch-”
“Holy shit please stop!” Luhan snapped, cutting Minseok off abruptly. Minseok pouted. He’d really thought he was creating a realistic visual, but apparently not.
“I’m just saying,” He mumbled petulantly, and Luhan rolled his eyes.
“You’re ridiculous,” he said, shaking his head. “Just go visit the Devil Incarnate and text me when you’re ready to go.”
“Okay,” Minseok sighed, hanging his head sadly.
Joonmyeon’s dorm was on the farside of Building A, which was the building for rich people (in other words: they were the lucky bastards that didn’t have to deal with hot-water-stealing roommates. Minseok was so jealous.) and he ushered Minseok inside before Minseok had even finished knocking.
“Hey,” Joonmyeon greeted, giving Minseok a bright smile as he led them to a plush red couch on the farside of the room. Minseok couldn’t believe that he actually had his own couch. It was really comfy, too. “How are you?”
Minseok managed a half-assed shrug, because he was still sad that Luhan was angry at him again. On the brightside, at least he knew why this time. “I’m okay,” he said, sighing heavily before sending Joonmyeon a half-smile. “How are you?”
“I’m pretty good,” Joonmyeon replied, patting Minseok on the shoulder comfortingly. Minseok appreciated Joonmyeon, even if he had accidentally gotten Minseok in trouble. “I just figured that as a journalist I should probably keep tabs on how the Kissing Cards are progressing.”
Minseok nodded his understanding. “Yifan was a three,” he told Joonmyeon thoughtfully before added as darkly as he could: “and Baekhyun’s a solid negative ten.”
Joonmyeon’s eyebrows raised at the tone. “I didn’t realize we could go into negatives,” he pointed out, and Minseok shrugged again.
“Yeah, well, Baekhyun’s special.”
Joonmyeon asked him a few more questions (including why Yifan and Baekhyun sucked so bad - ‘for story purposes of course’ he promised, looking unexpectedly smug), and somehow the kind-of-interview turned into Joonmyeon straddling him with his tongue in Minseok’s mouth for half an hour.
Not that Minseok was complaining.
It went on until Minseok’s cell phone beeped in his pocket and he remembered that Luhan was waiting to go get bubble tea with him.
“I have to go,” he mumbled against Joonmyeon’s lips, slowly opening his eyes to see Joonmyeon dazedly staring back at him.
He felt Joonmyeon smile slightly before pulling away and getting off of Minseok’s lap. “Okay,” he agreed, straightening his tie and patting down his ruffled hair. Minseok quickly mimicked the movements, hoping Luhan wouldn’t notice because he really didn’t want to deal with the looks he would be sure to receive for swollen lips and rumpled clothing. “Well, text me when you're done with The Joker.”
“Yeah,” Minseok agreed, pulling his phone out of his pocket and sending Joonmyeon a small wave before exiting the dorm room and making his way down the hall.
As it turned out, the text wasn’t from Luhan, though Luhan had texted him about ten minutes before.
From: Lu Ge
To: Minseok
I’m leaving without you. You owe me more bubble tea. I expect it as soon as you get here. And stop fucking Joonmyeon.
From: Sehun
To: Minseok
Yixing and Taemin are ganging up on me. They want me to pop-lock. I need your assistance.
Minseok sighed and turned around, making his way towards the dance studio instead.
From: Minseok
To: Sehun
Don’t give in, I’m on my way!!
From: Minseok
To: Lu Ge
I’m not fucking Joonmyeon!!!! What kind of woman do you take me for!!!! Also I’m gonna be a little late cause I need to rescue Sehun from the terrible two. They want him to pop-lock. And stop changing your name on my phone. You’re not my Ge, and I’m not Chinese. I am, however, older than you.
Minseok didn’t make it ten feet before his phone was beeping in his hand again, and he rolled his eyes before opening it.
From: Lu Ge
To: Minseok
I take you for a whore! A real woman can admit she’s promiscuous :-P!!! Ask them if they want bubble tea too, and tell them that pop-locking is so last month.
Almost immediately after, Minseok received another one.
From: Lu Ge
To: Minseok
You are my Baozi, and I am your Gege. Age is but a number and even if it wasn’t you’re only older by a few months. So ha.
At least Luhan wasn’t mad at him anymore.
The doors to the dance studio were in sight when a painfully familiar voice called out his name.
Minseok was stuck between making a run for it or turning around and facing Baekhyun like a man, but in the end the choice was taken from him when he felt a tiny hand grab his shoulder and spin him around.
And of course there was Baekhyun, crossing his arms over his chest and jutting out his bottom lip unhappily. “We need to talk.”
As far as Minseok was aware, no good conversations started out that way.
“No,” he decided flatly, taking a step back and shaking his head adamantly. “Not a chance in hell. I had to brush my teeth five times this morning just to feel clean again after you mouth-raped me. Not to mention that part where you threatened to castrate me.”
Baekhyun only shrugged. “I’m not apologizing for that.”
“That’s because you’re a horrible person,” Minseok stated, taking another step back. “Goodbye.”
“No,” Baekhyun snapped, shooting Minseok a glare. “We have to do it again.”
Minseok highly disagreed with that statement. Once was more than enough for him, thank you.
“Why the fuck would we ever have to do that again?” He asked, and Baekhyun grimaced.
“Because Kibum just called to tell me that someone filed a complaint and demanded a redo. Trust me, I’m not happy about it either - it sucked enough the first time.”
Who? Who would possibly be evil enough to do such a thing?
“Kibum refused to tell me who it was,” Baekhyun continued as if reading Minseok’s mind. Minseok sincerely hoped that wasn’t the case, but just on the off chance he quickly thought ‘Baekhyun’s a dickface’ as loud as he could. Baekhyun didn’t seem to hear him. “It’s really unfortunate, too, because I was kind of hoping to hunt the fucker down and kick him in the nuts.”
“Tru dat,” Minseok agreed.
“So for everyone’s benefit, just go with it,” Baekhyun told him.
“I don’t want to.”
“Pretend I’m someone else,” the drama major suggested, shrugging slightly. “That’s what I did this morning. You make a halfway decent Hoya, by the way.”
Of course Baekhyun liked Infinite.
“Really? That’s how you treat Hoya?” Minseok asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “What kind of Idol Killer are you?”
“The illusion was shattered when I had to open my eyes.”
Minseok could see how that made sense. His phone beeped in his pocket. He forced himself to ignore it.
“It also didn’t help that you punched me in the spleen,” Baekhyun continued, shrugging again. Minseok decided it was in everyone’s best interest not to mention the fact that he’d actually punched Baekhyun in the kidneys. Details.
“Fine,” Minseok agreed, albeit a bit sullenly. “But make it quick. I’m kind of busy.”
Baekhyun gave a resolute nod and stepped forward. Minseok resisted the urge to run away, instead squeezing his eyes shut and pursing his lips, waiting for the horror that was kissing Byun Baekhyun.
And his day had been going so well, too.
He felt hands rest on his shoulders and breath hit his lips, and tensed up in anticipation only to be met with a condescending “You realize you look ridiculous right now, right?”
“You realize I could be breaking your pretty face right now, right?” Minseok retaliated, and swore he felt Baekhyun flinch.
“Fair enough,” Baekhyun amended before Minseok felt him press their lips together just the slightest bit.
They stood in the middle of the hallway stiffly for what felt like forever until Minseok got fed up and mumbled “how long do we have to do this for?” against Baekhyun’s lips.
“Forty-five seconds,” Baekhyun mumbled back, nails digging into Minseok’s shoulders. “You made me lose count. Now I have to start over.”
“Shit.”
They got six seconds into it before Baekhyun suddenly pulled away and Minseok opened his eyes, watching as the drama major sent him a frown. “This is stupid and it’s making my back hurt,” he explained, stretching slightly though he didn’t remove his hands. “Also,” he added in a hurried whisper, “I don’t think that counts, so just go with it before I get in trouble.”
“Wh-” Minseok began, only to be cut off when Baekhyun’s grip on his shoulders tightened and he jumped up, wrapping his legs around Minseok’s waist and kissing him again.
Minseok caught him out of reflex, grabbing him by the thighs and nearly dropping him immediately after. Except he didn’t, because it was at that moment that he saw a mop of bleach blonde hair and glowing red eyes peek out of an empty classroom.
Oh. Of course. Kibum was there. Sure.
Minseok began counting seconds (two heads were better than one, after all) and Baekhyun shifted his grip around Minseok’s waist slightly, Minseok adjusting accordingly even though that meant he accidentally grabbed Baekhyun’s ass - and wow, that’s what Minho had meant by Baekhyun being an ass in every sense of the word seriously did he do Pilates or something? - until Baekhyun pulled away at ‘forty-seven’ and shouted “Time!”
“Awesome,” Minseok said, letting Baekhyun drop back to the floor. “Have fun being a douche, then, see you later.”
Baekhyun nodded, smiling brightly and skipping off.
Heaving a sigh, Minseok pulled his phone out of his pocket to see who had texted him and turned back towards the dance studio only to stop, surprised.
Yixing, Sehun, and Taemin were standing at the door, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.
Minseok cleared his throat awkwardly. “That never happened,” he told them seriously before ducking his head and quickly walking in the opposite direction.
From an empty classroom, he thought he heard Kim Kibum begin to cackle evilly.
----
Cross-Posted on AFF
here.