I was lost... but I found you.
crazy I post to add my LJ on myspace and a bunch of people did.. sweet stuff!!!
alright lets do this... first post in 4 months.
Thanks for sticking around! It's been awhile. So much has gone on since I last posted... Much more than my feeble brain could haaaandle! My birthday was beyond amazing. Surprise party, having Jamie be here for 4 days. It was the best birthday ever.
And as you know I went out to Calgary for two weeks in January. I got to see a part of the country I've never seen before... A new city, the mountains, the scenery was beautiful. I fell in love with it.
BUT that's about all the good there was that came out of it.
What happened between me and Jamie? Well things didn't go exactly as planned, it caught me off guard and it all was a total shock. Everything went wrong. Little by little one by one, things started coming undone... I've never had to be stronger for myself than ever before. So many days I felt like I didn't belong there, I felt like I did something wrong... I just wanted to go home.
So much bitterness, so much fighting while I was there. Sure there was some days when things were awesome. But overall, it was disasterous... Nothing like August, or December. What happened you asked? Well you know in the past I would divulge every detail I could squeeze out of it into massively colourful LJ posts. But I want to keep what happened between me and Jamie out of the public eye. Only a few people know all the details, the people I trust and that are my closest friends know what went down.
People ask "why/how do you put up with all that's happened?" It's simple really... I'm hopelessly in love.
Since I came back from Calgary things haven't been the same. That warmth I had for so long died... And I felt angry, I kept asking myself "what the fuck went wrong?" I'm haunted to this day from our roadtrip to Vancouver... the breaking point. the point where everything just fell apart. (once again if you're close to me... you know the details. If not, don't bother cause I won't divulge) I remember the hotel... our 5 month. 2 am. And what she said to me... I mean I could blame what happened on the alcohol, but what happened was just something my heart wasn't ready for. I remember 7 am sitting up top the roof of the hotel, chain smoking. I felt like that day was it... We were done. How ironic? Our love started in a hotel room 5 months before... and I felt like it was all going to end that day. It didn't though! We talked... and somewhat resolved what happened... I forgave her... But it's just something that to this day haunts me. I detest the city of Vancouver and what happened there... Jamie would go on about how much that city means to her, and she was so excited to show it all to me... As was I. I look back and it was a waste. That city will forever hold a burden of bitterness... I'm sure one day I'll give it another chance. But as of now, it holds too many bad memories...
May 7th 2001, December 16 2001, July 13 2002, January 14 2004 days I wish to forget... Add January 28 2006 to that now.
So here I sit on a cold Sunday morning... I feel cold... I think I'm getting sick... And I feel miserable. I've been having one of the worst weeks in a long time... But I know that its been a rough two months so far.
I look back on the old days of me and Jamie... the constant phonecalls... The loving words she always had for me when she knew I was down... How she would stubbornly call me on my lunchbreaks when I tell her not to, just because she sensed I would have a bad night. The long beautiful emails she would send me... She always has a way with words. I miss those days... We still love each other. We're still together... But all those things forementioned. Those have been lacking so much since I came back... I'm sure I've talked to her on the phone not even 20 times since I've been back.
I find myself reading old emails and getting all emotional. And remembering the days when I didn't have any reservations about her feelings for me. To this day I make it an effort to tell her I love her everyday. She does as well, but me being the worrying SOB I am... I always conjure up these thoughts like "do I still have her attention like I used to?"... I'm always worried that some other boy is going to steal her away from me... Which has happened already somewhat... From some lame assfaggot friend of her's who I trusted and talked to when I was having a fight with Jamie while I was out there... Little did I know, that little fucking opportunist tried to weasel his way in a few days after I left Calgary... Little fucker... But me being the better man I am today. I never said anything to him... I just blocked+deleted him off MSN. Should be interesting when I move out there, I mean he is one of Jamie's best friends... heh. Should be interesting indeed.
I know she would get insulted and mad that I would think such things... We used to reassure each other everyday of how much we mean to each other... To this day.. I still do my best to let her know that no one else has my attention... but her. Always has, always will... I guess all I'm wanting is occasional reassurance. Which I feel pathetic and needy if I asked for it... It shouldn't be asked for... It should be done just cause. But I do believe that despite all that's happened since January that deep down she wholeheartedly loves me unconditionally. It keeps me going. If our story was to end, I don't know what I would do... My life has been dedicated to us the past 6 1/2 months. To this day she is on my mind at all times. I worry for her, I care for her...
She's the girl I'm in love with and want to be with for the rest of my life. I can say I've been in love before. But none of those in the past compare to this... I am that certain... I have no reservations, no doubt in my mind that something brought us together for a reason. And that all that's been happening over the past couple of months, is just a test. To see if we can work through these tough times. And under the stress of a long distance relationship, times the normal amount of stress of a relationship by a hundred to the exponent 584285824 and that's what you get! (that E on the calculator haha)...
I'm tired. I'm emotionally, physically drained. I feel so dead inside... So cold. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. And it's horrible... To think that I've found the girl of my dreams. And this is what I (we) have to go through... I know that if we get through this... Nothing could stand in our way... Relationships will have their arguments and fights... But this is something beyond minor disagreements... This is stigmas from our past... Baggage. We all have it... I really don't want to say that I don't have any... And I wish to not go into detail out of respect of my girlfriend. But basically her baggage is a big part of what's happened the last while.
All I know is as hard as its been for me to have gone through what I did while I was out there... I held my ground... I made the best of a shitty situation. And I came out of it alive surprisingly. I'm fucking miserable as hell but the fact that I held it together. I'm fucking proud of myself.
I'm not going to sit here and yell at her for all that's happened. I'm not going to tell her that this is her mess and that she needs to fix it back to the way it was... NO! This is our love... Our story. And I'm always going to be there for her... As I've always been. And I have no problem telling her that everyday. But I know that whatever it is she needs to work on... She has to do on her own. These are her problems, her issues. If I could take her pain and place it on me I would... All that matters more than anything in the world, over our love, over our story is that she is happy.
I know its hard to believe but that's what I want more than anything is to know she can be happy with herself above anything... I know that I was put into her life to make her realize her potential... Because she is by far beauty at it's finest inside and out. And I am still baffled at the fact I have been bestowed such a beautiful girl to call my own. She is a miracle to me.
But there is one thing that I've got on my mind which has to deal with me. And that's me moving to Calgary... All I know is that she needs to start doing what she needs to start doing to get better now... and not wait until I come out there... I'm scared to death of a repeat of January all over again. I know fights happen. But being pushed away without a reason is not something I want to go through again.
My feelings for her haven't changed. That spark we had I know can be reignited. it's just going to take time... All I know is I won't feel confident and secure with moving until we're back to the way we were... Until I know we're okay... that she's okay. Then I know that I can book my one way ticket out of here.
I'm giving up my whole life as it is... This is a big risk to take... My friends, my family, my surroundings. All for her. I want to know that I can feel comfortable taking that chance... Because I know if I were to leave tomorrow, I wouldn't be prepared. So I know that if we can get back to where we were before all of this. The odds will be greater... Either way, there's always a chance we may not work out. But until I feel like I've done the best job I could in loving her. I'm not done.
She is worth giving up my life as it is. To start a new one... with her... Forever.
It's crazy to even think that I could say "forever". That I could see a blueprint of our future together... For the rest of our lives. Maybe pumping out some kids... Teaching them the *RAGE* hand... Family outings to the park, picnics... A happy ending in this shitty world we live in. Seeing us old and decrepid, wearing Depends... not being able to get my ceack up and relying on blue pills to get that shit raging rock hard. WUH?@! hahaha... I can see hopes, I can see dreams.. Seeing and experiencing the world together.
I could see a happy life with her. I could see her being my Mrs. I could see things I've never seen before... I have a lot to thank her for... I've grown so much since August. I'm forever indebtted to her. And I hope she knows that I'm going to do the best job I can for her... As I have always done, and always will.
Most of you think I've lost my marbles...
I guess that's what love does to you.
Hopelessly in love. With no regrets.
I hope she sees this and knows that there are no hidden agendas. This is love at it's finest and we're going to get through this. Because we're fucking awesome like that. Fucking right buddy! And I wouldn't trade this for the world...
Let go.
***The other night I had a dream
It unfolded to the silver screen
A tragic fire, some tears were shed
I woke to find our hero dead
And wonder, ”What if this was me?”
If my life was cinematic
With a soundtrack so dramatic
You’d be the hero and You would save me
And it would have the sweetest ending
I want to live in such a way
That when I’m gone my friends would say
That if my life was turned to film
I’d be standing on a mountain shouting victory in the end
But in my heart I know it’s only true
If I’m supporting actor and the Oscar goes to You
If my life was cinematic
With a soundtrack so dramatic
You’d be the hero and You would save me
And it would have the sweetest ending
I don’t want to let You down
I want to make you proud
If anyone is watching me
I want to make it count for something
What if it ended here?
What if the credits rolled now?
What would the critics say?
Would it be the biggest let down?
If my life was cinematic
With a soundtrack so dramatic
You’d be the hero and You would save me
And it would have the sweetest ending***
♥♥♥
alright lets do this... first post in 4 months.
Thanks for sticking around! It's been awhile. So much has gone on since I last posted... Much more than my feeble brain could haaaandle! My birthday was beyond amazing. Surprise party, having Jamie be here for 4 days. It was the best birthday ever.
And as you know I went out to Calgary for two weeks in January. I got to see a part of the country I've never seen before... A new city, the mountains, the scenery was beautiful. I fell in love with it.
BUT that's about all the good there was that came out of it.
What happened between me and Jamie? Well things didn't go exactly as planned, it caught me off guard and it all was a total shock. Everything went wrong. Little by little one by one, things started coming undone... I've never had to be stronger for myself than ever before. So many days I felt like I didn't belong there, I felt like I did something wrong... I just wanted to go home.
So much bitterness, so much fighting while I was there. Sure there was some days when things were awesome. But overall, it was disasterous... Nothing like August, or December. What happened you asked? Well you know in the past I would divulge every detail I could squeeze out of it into massively colourful LJ posts. But I want to keep what happened between me and Jamie out of the public eye. Only a few people know all the details, the people I trust and that are my closest friends know what went down.
People ask "why/how do you put up with all that's happened?" It's simple really... I'm hopelessly in love.
Since I came back from Calgary things haven't been the same. That warmth I had for so long died... And I felt angry, I kept asking myself "what the fuck went wrong?" I'm haunted to this day from our roadtrip to Vancouver... the breaking point. the point where everything just fell apart. (once again if you're close to me... you know the details. If not, don't bother cause I won't divulge) I remember the hotel... our 5 month. 2 am. And what she said to me... I mean I could blame what happened on the alcohol, but what happened was just something my heart wasn't ready for. I remember 7 am sitting up top the roof of the hotel, chain smoking. I felt like that day was it... We were done. How ironic? Our love started in a hotel room 5 months before... and I felt like it was all going to end that day. It didn't though! We talked... and somewhat resolved what happened... I forgave her... But it's just something that to this day haunts me. I detest the city of Vancouver and what happened there... Jamie would go on about how much that city means to her, and she was so excited to show it all to me... As was I. I look back and it was a waste. That city will forever hold a burden of bitterness... I'm sure one day I'll give it another chance. But as of now, it holds too many bad memories...
May 7th 2001, December 16 2001, July 13 2002, January 14 2004 days I wish to forget... Add January 28 2006 to that now.
So here I sit on a cold Sunday morning... I feel cold... I think I'm getting sick... And I feel miserable. I've been having one of the worst weeks in a long time... But I know that its been a rough two months so far.
I look back on the old days of me and Jamie... the constant phonecalls... The loving words she always had for me when she knew I was down... How she would stubbornly call me on my lunchbreaks when I tell her not to, just because she sensed I would have a bad night. The long beautiful emails she would send me... She always has a way with words. I miss those days... We still love each other. We're still together... But all those things forementioned. Those have been lacking so much since I came back... I'm sure I've talked to her on the phone not even 20 times since I've been back.
I find myself reading old emails and getting all emotional. And remembering the days when I didn't have any reservations about her feelings for me. To this day I make it an effort to tell her I love her everyday. She does as well, but me being the worrying SOB I am... I always conjure up these thoughts like "do I still have her attention like I used to?"... I'm always worried that some other boy is going to steal her away from me... Which has happened already somewhat... From some lame assfaggot friend of her's who I trusted and talked to when I was having a fight with Jamie while I was out there... Little did I know, that little fucking opportunist tried to weasel his way in a few days after I left Calgary... Little fucker... But me being the better man I am today. I never said anything to him... I just blocked+deleted him off MSN. Should be interesting when I move out there, I mean he is one of Jamie's best friends... heh. Should be interesting indeed.
I know she would get insulted and mad that I would think such things... We used to reassure each other everyday of how much we mean to each other... To this day.. I still do my best to let her know that no one else has my attention... but her. Always has, always will... I guess all I'm wanting is occasional reassurance. Which I feel pathetic and needy if I asked for it... It shouldn't be asked for... It should be done just cause. But I do believe that despite all that's happened since January that deep down she wholeheartedly loves me unconditionally. It keeps me going. If our story was to end, I don't know what I would do... My life has been dedicated to us the past 6 1/2 months. To this day she is on my mind at all times. I worry for her, I care for her...
She's the girl I'm in love with and want to be with for the rest of my life. I can say I've been in love before. But none of those in the past compare to this... I am that certain... I have no reservations, no doubt in my mind that something brought us together for a reason. And that all that's been happening over the past couple of months, is just a test. To see if we can work through these tough times. And under the stress of a long distance relationship, times the normal amount of stress of a relationship by a hundred to the exponent 584285824 and that's what you get! (that E on the calculator haha)...
I'm tired. I'm emotionally, physically drained. I feel so dead inside... So cold. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. And it's horrible... To think that I've found the girl of my dreams. And this is what I (we) have to go through... I know that if we get through this... Nothing could stand in our way... Relationships will have their arguments and fights... But this is something beyond minor disagreements... This is stigmas from our past... Baggage. We all have it... I really don't want to say that I don't have any... And I wish to not go into detail out of respect of my girlfriend. But basically her baggage is a big part of what's happened the last while.
All I know is as hard as its been for me to have gone through what I did while I was out there... I held my ground... I made the best of a shitty situation. And I came out of it alive surprisingly. I'm fucking miserable as hell but the fact that I held it together. I'm fucking proud of myself.
I'm not going to sit here and yell at her for all that's happened. I'm not going to tell her that this is her mess and that she needs to fix it back to the way it was... NO! This is our love... Our story. And I'm always going to be there for her... As I've always been. And I have no problem telling her that everyday. But I know that whatever it is she needs to work on... She has to do on her own. These are her problems, her issues. If I could take her pain and place it on me I would... All that matters more than anything in the world, over our love, over our story is that she is happy.
I know its hard to believe but that's what I want more than anything is to know she can be happy with herself above anything... I know that I was put into her life to make her realize her potential... Because she is by far beauty at it's finest inside and out. And I am still baffled at the fact I have been bestowed such a beautiful girl to call my own. She is a miracle to me.
But there is one thing that I've got on my mind which has to deal with me. And that's me moving to Calgary... All I know is that she needs to start doing what she needs to start doing to get better now... and not wait until I come out there... I'm scared to death of a repeat of January all over again. I know fights happen. But being pushed away without a reason is not something I want to go through again.
My feelings for her haven't changed. That spark we had I know can be reignited. it's just going to take time... All I know is I won't feel confident and secure with moving until we're back to the way we were... Until I know we're okay... that she's okay. Then I know that I can book my one way ticket out of here.
I'm giving up my whole life as it is... This is a big risk to take... My friends, my family, my surroundings. All for her. I want to know that I can feel comfortable taking that chance... Because I know if I were to leave tomorrow, I wouldn't be prepared. So I know that if we can get back to where we were before all of this. The odds will be greater... Either way, there's always a chance we may not work out. But until I feel like I've done the best job I could in loving her. I'm not done.
She is worth giving up my life as it is. To start a new one... with her... Forever.
It's crazy to even think that I could say "forever". That I could see a blueprint of our future together... For the rest of our lives. Maybe pumping out some kids... Teaching them the *RAGE* hand... Family outings to the park, picnics... A happy ending in this shitty world we live in. Seeing us old and decrepid, wearing Depends... not being able to get my ceack up and relying on blue pills to get that shit raging rock hard. WUH?@! hahaha... I can see hopes, I can see dreams.. Seeing and experiencing the world together.
I could see a happy life with her. I could see her being my Mrs. I could see things I've never seen before... I have a lot to thank her for... I've grown so much since August. I'm forever indebtted to her. And I hope she knows that I'm going to do the best job I can for her... As I have always done, and always will.
Most of you think I've lost my marbles...
I guess that's what love does to you.
Hopelessly in love. With no regrets.
I hope she sees this and knows that there are no hidden agendas. This is love at it's finest and we're going to get through this. Because we're fucking awesome like that. Fucking right buddy! And I wouldn't trade this for the world...
Let go.
***The other night I had a dream
It unfolded to the silver screen
A tragic fire, some tears were shed
I woke to find our hero dead
And wonder, ”What if this was me?”
If my life was cinematic
With a soundtrack so dramatic
You’d be the hero and You would save me
And it would have the sweetest ending
I want to live in such a way
That when I’m gone my friends would say
That if my life was turned to film
I’d be standing on a mountain shouting victory in the end
But in my heart I know it’s only true
If I’m supporting actor and the Oscar goes to You
If my life was cinematic
With a soundtrack so dramatic
You’d be the hero and You would save me
And it would have the sweetest ending
I don’t want to let You down
I want to make you proud
If anyone is watching me
I want to make it count for something
What if it ended here?
What if the credits rolled now?
What would the critics say?
Would it be the biggest let down?
If my life was cinematic
With a soundtrack so dramatic
You’d be the hero and You would save me
And it would have the sweetest ending***
♥♥♥