Query Letter 2.0

[desuvan]

Okay, let's try this again:

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my fantasy novel, The Crimson Mask, complete at 150,000 words.

Trained as an assassin and seeking to avenge the murder of his parents twelve years ago, Ryjel is forced to choose his loyalty to the Goddess Inashita over his lust for revenge, allying himself with his parents

Comments

[maverick_weirdo]

allying himself with his parents' murderer to defeat an enemy he hates even more. Does not sound plausible, how about:

"The men who murdered his parents are now at war with each other, and Ryjel must choose which side to ally himself with to defeat an enemy he hates even more."

[desuvan]

Trained as an assassin and seeking to avenge the murder of his parents twelve years ago, Ryjel simply awaits his chance. But when the men who murdered his parents go to war with each other, he must choose between his loyalty to the Goddess Inashita and his lust for vengeance, siding with his hated enemy to combat at a threat to the world itself.

Much better, how about this?

[maverick_weirdo]

Trained as an assassin after the murder of his parents, Ryjel awaits his chance at revenge. When the men who murdered his parents go to war with each other, he must choose between his loyalty to the Goddess Inashita and his lust for vengeance, siding with a hated enemy to combat at a threat to the world itself.

Re: Much better, how about this?

[desuvan]

How necessary do you think the "12 years ago" part is? I liked that it placed the murder of his parents as some time in his past, but maybe that's obvious from the context?