In which I let almost everything out...
I hate me. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I can't stand being overly emo. I can't stand being alone with my grandma. All she talks about is grandpa. I hate missing him. I hate her talking about him. I would rather not think about that he's not around anymore. I hate using double negatives. I hate making posts like these. I hate feeling like I am the most annoying person. I hate believing I am the most annoying person. I hate feeling like I am a horrible person. I hate asking people if they think I am a horrible person. I hate people lying to me when they tell me I am not a horrible person. I hate coming up with all of the reasons as to why I am a horrible person. I hate that I have used the word "person" multiple times in the past few sentences. I hate that I can't write well. I hate that I am not good at anything. I hate thinking that I am not good at anything. I hate not having any self confidence. I hate coming up with excuses. I hate that my next psychologist appointment is in three weeks. I hate that I have to go to that damn woman. I hate wanting to go to that damn woman right now. I hate my stupid doctor for putting out a theory that has been driving me insane with worry. I hate that my parents haven't done anything to figure out if said theory might be true. I hate obsessing over things. I hate that I can't sleep at night because I am worrying about something I said or did months or even years ago. I hate obsessing over Situation Asstart. I hate the name we came up for that situation, Amanda. I hate thinking that I am worthless. I hate thinking I'm damaged goods, why I think that, I have no fucking clue. I hate being a hypocrite. I hate that I am not formatting this post. Hopefully it will hurt people's eyes and they won't be reading anymore. I hate feeling like a crappy friend. I want to know what I've done to piss people off and why it seems like they hate me so damn much. I hate feeling guilty all the fucking time. I hate that my grandma is all alone downstairs right now because I can't suck it up to be around her. I hate how I put myself first before others. I hate how I try my hardest to put others feelings before my own. I hate being pissed off at Carolyn 24/7. I hate how I could type up a whole entire post in itself about why I am pissed off at Carolyn. I hate talking behind people’s back. I hate that I do that all the time. I hate that people might talk about me behind my back, but I probably deserve it. I hate being a bad friend. I hate that I complain so much. I hate it when people tell me that I don’t complain because I do - all the time. I hate feeling like I’m not wanted. I hate thinking I’m going to die alone. I hate thinking about the future. I hate hoping for good things to happen because I know they won’t happen. I hate that I’m on my second medicine to help me sleep. I hate that it stopped working. I hate that my body hates me. I hate that I hate my body. I hate my mind for never shutting the fuck up. I hate my thoughts. I hate my personality. I hate that I can’t be the person I want to be. I hate that it is impossible for me to be the person I want to be. I hate that I can’t accept me for who I am. I hate that I have to choose one life style. I hate that I want to do so much with my life and can’t do any/most of it. I hate that life is too short. I hate that I am not close to my family. I hate that I trust people too easily. I hate that I let people walk all over me. I hate that I am a pushover. I hate that I can’t make decisions for myself. I hate that I need reassurance from others. I hate that everyone tells me that I would be so much better if I did this, this and this. I hate that I feel like I’m the fuck up in the family. I hate that I don’t do well in school. I hate that I didn’t try as much as I could have. I hate not going to summer school. I hate that I sit on my ass all day. I hate not having a routine. I hate not using time wisely. I hate putting things off till the last minute. I hate that I put everything off till the last minute and I never use time wisely. I hate that I don’t fully appreciate what I have. I hate that I have more than I need. I hate having things. I hate saving insignificant pieces of crap because I feel like it will mean something to me later on. I hate that I can’t remember everything. I hate that I can’t remember what happened the first half of senior year. I hate that I can’t remember freshman year at all except for bits of it… but I can’t remember them that well anyway. I hate that I loved summer school so much. I hate that I had to go to summer school because I am pretty damn stupid and failed two classes. I hate that I almost failed everything at the end of junior year. I hate that I didn’t focus on school work junior year to keep my mind off of grandpa. I hate that all of my teachers mentioned my grandpa. I hated having to have a meeting with all of my teachers to discuss why I was failing. I hate that I cried during that meeting. I hate my parents for making me go to that meeting. I hate that everyone is concerned about me. I hate it when Amanda tells me she worries about me. I hate it when people give me attention. I hate that I was the focus of my parent’s attention this past year. I hate that this past year was the best year I had at Agnes. I hate that I have to leave and go to a different school and start all over. I hate that I have to make new friends. I hate thinking I won’t be able to. I hate that I can’t stand crowds. I hate that I can’t stand being in public places. I hate that I don’t know what to do with my nervous energy. I hate not knowing what to do with my hands. I hate that I feel like I have so much more to say but can’t write it down. I hate that I know I will think of more things to add to this instead of going to sleep. I hate that I’ve used the word "hate" so much. I hate that if you are reading this sentence it means you actually read everything up there. I’m sorry.
I feel slightly better.
P.S. - Carolyn, if you don't want people commenting on an entry you disable comments you dumbass.