At What Point Does It Become Too Much?
I seriously just need to get some words out.
I lost it again, probably worse than I have in a very long time. It's kind of a long story so I will try to shorten it to save some time for anyone that actually reads this.
I began to notice it at work around the middle of July so I kind of did some "intel" work behind the scenes to gather up some evidence but pretty much for a long time I have been convinced that the assistant department head or manager or whatever you want to call them over my area has had a problem with me. But my boss goes on vacation so our department is left to the assistant for a week and I notice I start getting merchandise/stock in that the computer is not ordering and that I don't need. Not wanting to insult this man's intelligence regardless of the fact he is a complete and utter moron I think to myself well he has sight problems maybe he's not paying attention well so I start scanning through my own orders after he does to make sure it's correctly done and I notice he is specifically ordering certain things I don't need and it is continuing. So I mention this to my boss when he gets back and he shrugs it off because he's the kind of person like most people that work there that have been there for 20 years and couldn't care any less if they don't have to deal with it directly. So finally I get in a case of pecans when there was 16 on the shelf still and we'd sold 7 in a month and I take one up to the assistant Dave and call him out on it. I said what's the deal we didn't need to get this in we hardly sell any to begin with you're just ordering me crap I don't need. He replies if they will go on the shelf he's going to order them. So I take the new ones and put them in a display in a different aisle thinking maybe being in two locations they would have a better chance of selling and I cleared it with my boss and he said that was fine. Next week he does it again with something else, almonds I think and now I am getting frustrated and I take them to my boss and I said he's either doing this on purpose or he's an idiot. My boss knows the guy sucks at ordering he screws up stuff all the time but he's too lazy to deal with it because he doesn't want to order himself and he just doesn't care. More time goes by and what do I get in another case of the same stupid pecans that I took to his face and told him I didn't need. We hadn't even sold a single one from the other aisle either so there was no reason for it. I went to my boss and I said look I am tired of dealing with his crap and it seems like he is doing it on purpose or he is just honestly stupid. I said from now on I don't want him in my aisle, I will order my own peyton and my boss said that was fine or he would do it himself. So my boss forgets to tell Dave and I order my stuff and it's like 5 minutes before quitting time and everyone else leaves and I noticed nobody filled the water display and if nobody else does it unofficially I am supposed to so I went to pull out the pallet and do it myself and here comes Dave from ordering and he starts griping at me that I don't need to be messing with the numbers in the order gun and that I need to get my stuff done on time or quicker and I simply reply that my boss and I had talked about it and I ordered my peyton that night and that's why it took me longer to get done and he snaps back at me that he just ordered my stuff and I kind of looked at him like and I am thinking to myself that doesn't change the fact I ordered already or that it took me longer so I repeat what I just said again and all this while I am hauling out this huge pallet so I start to continue what I was doing and he just wouldn't stop running his mouth and he follows me out as I start to fill the display saying I don't need to be ordering my peyton because he just did and I am getting frustrated now and I say well that's wonderful it got ordered twice to which he replies again that I don't need to be ordering if I can't get stuff done quicker/on time. So then I kind of snapped back at him that if he would learn to fracking order,(no I didn't say fracking I began cursing at him hahaha) then I wouldn't have to. So yeah then more yelling and arguing ensues as I call him out on all the stuff he had been ordering me I didn't need and that before he gets on me about how I do my job he needs to learn to do his own fracking job correctly and his eyes get big and he yells 'Excuse me?!' and I snap back "You fracking heard me I didn't stutter." and he asked if we needed to take this upstairs and I snapped back again No Thanks I would like to get my damn job done so I can go home. It was quite nasty. So he finally walks away and I leave and then I came in early the next night and told my boss what happened and he said well I was wrong for yelling at him but he shouldn't have followed me around bothering me about it if my boss said I could order he should have dropped it and that if he was going to continue he should have taken me off the sales floor or gone into the dairy cooler and we could yell, scream, curse, whatever we wanted because nobody could hear. I said I honestly think he has something against me, he never speaks to me. Not a hi or goodbye, he is talkative and jokes around with the other coworkers but the only time he speaks to me is to get at me about something. I said I just can't deal with it anymore. This is borderline harassment material and I am tired of people walking all over me.
The next night it appears he speaks with him in the conference room and I am hoping things will improve. Well I was wrong, oh yes this is just the first instance not even me losing it this morning. That was a couple weeks ago.
So last night the computer went crazy and sent me a bunch of crap I didn't need. I get the scanner gun and check numbers to make sure there isn't an error. If there is I will continue to get this extra junk weekly and if I don't fix it nobody else will so it's just more work for me to deal with. It is getting late and Dave comes into my aisle and asks if I have ordered yet and I said no. I was down to my last few boxes for that aisle and Bob comes down and brings me a scanner because he was done with it so as I am finishing up I scan things here and there to start checking through the order. Dave comes down my aisle scans a few things and says I need to finish up the cases in the aisle before I start ordering. Which he was just being a jerk because hello I had two cases left which would take all of 2 minutes to put up. So I concede and put up the last two and then scan some more. Oh what do I find? The regular salted peanuts says there's 29 but there is only 4 on the shelf and guess who decided to order another case. I track him down because I freaking caught him red handed. I walk up to him with the gun and show him and ask if he ordered this. He says yes and I say well I am removing it because we have display racks that also have the same stuff on them and I had talked with my boss the previous day about whether he wanted to order to fill the displays or to take from the display and fill the shelf. He said they were changing the displays around and for now just pull from there to the shelf rather than order more. Rather than admit he made a mistake he says "Well I didn't know about that" in kind of a snide, smartass tone. I look at him and throw my hands up and said "THAT is why I order my own now" and I start to turn around and walk away. He raises his voice at me and says he is going to order if I have not finished. I kind of cut him off, I turned around real quick and snapped at him not to raise his voice at me and he starts to yell again and stops and tells me to go into the back. Which basically cut me loose to say whatever the heck I wanted. Most of it is a blur because I was so fired up and upset that he is continuing to run his mouth we argued and then he told me to go into the cooler and I tore into his face yelling and screaming that I was tired of being treated this way and that I know he has been doing it on purpose and if he has a problem with me he needs to come out and say it to my face because I am sick of it. I yelled some more about the ordering thing and that my boss gave me permission. He tries to yell for me not to raise my voice at him but I shoved the comment down his throat screaming back in his face that my boss said I could yell/scream all I wanted in the cooler because nobody could hear. I told him I don't give a frack whether his name tag says assistant on it or not, I refuse to be treated like I am a piece of crap on the bottom of his shoe. Finally he decided he was losing the fight with words or something who knows but he took his only trump card and took the pansy way out. He ordered me to put the scanner gun away and finish my stuff and at that point it just made me so sick I wanted to kill him. He used his authority card on me and I couldn't do anything about it. I tell him I am sick and possibly having something like an anxiety attack, my hands were all shaking and I was so upset and angry I wanted to just vomit. He says I can't go home. I tried the discriminating card but he didn't go for it, he stuck to his authority card and said he doesn't care what anyone else says or said and that I need to do what he says and if I clock out and walk out the door I no longer have a job. I so just wanted him dead. If I ever thought I was capable of harming someone to that point or doing something illegal of that nature man I don't think I have ever come closer to wishing harm on someone and wanting to do it so badly as I did this morning. Which kind of fascinates me. I know I am intelligent and realize the consequences of crazy actions but it makes me think at what point do these people that go on shooting sprees and murder people get pushed past their limits? I know it's not always about those issues causing people to do those things. Some people just get enjoyment or think they're better than the law and won't get caught or whatever. But say the school shootings or things of similar nature, what pushes these people/kids beyond their rational thought limits? It's intriguing, I swear if I had the attention span and effort to do it pursuing some sort of psychology studies would have probably been enjoyable. Anyways, I was so upset I almost walked out the door anyways but because I have responsibilities like bills and feeding myself I don't have the luxury of doing anything like that. So I had to bite my lip and finish my stuff but I finally broke down and shed tears. To just get pushed so far to where you are overcome by that hopeless feeling, the feeling that you are powerless and that somehow society lets people like him get away with treating someone this way and the "status structure" society has built protects him and it just makes me sick. That's why I say if I was unintelligent I probably would have lost it completely and done something bad or at least I can completely visualize it. Then again I have this own sense of self-justice where people like him don't deserve to live in my world and an idiot like him doesn't deserve to spawn children. haha I guess I really am disturbed. So I probably embarrassed myself in front of everyone that saw tears running down my face, I don't think I had done that so much since I was a kid but I figure that's a better way to vent my emotions/frustrations than something destructive or self-destructive or wasting away with liquor again...
But yeah it's been a pretty miserable past few weeks but I am off today and took Saturday off for Lee's birthday so hopefully I will feel a bit refreshed by Sunday. I talked to my dad for a while just now and he gave me a big lecture but said that if my boss won't do anything about Dave's behavior that I need to decide whether I want to do something about it and talk to HR about harassment or hostile work environment kind of stuff because I shouldn't be having yelling matches in the cooler or be brought to such a stress level that I am having a breakdown. He said issues like that they should take seriously and allow me to transfer if I would like. Then he also said to look for another job and that Tim is going to call my dad the minute he knows about hiring for Blue Ash because that's the kind of guy he is and that hopefully that would be a good opportunity for me.
I lost it again, probably worse than I have in a very long time. It's kind of a long story so I will try to shorten it to save some time for anyone that actually reads this.
I began to notice it at work around the middle of July so I kind of did some "intel" work behind the scenes to gather up some evidence but pretty much for a long time I have been convinced that the assistant department head or manager or whatever you want to call them over my area has had a problem with me. But my boss goes on vacation so our department is left to the assistant for a week and I notice I start getting merchandise/stock in that the computer is not ordering and that I don't need. Not wanting to insult this man's intelligence regardless of the fact he is a complete and utter moron I think to myself well he has sight problems maybe he's not paying attention well so I start scanning through my own orders after he does to make sure it's correctly done and I notice he is specifically ordering certain things I don't need and it is continuing. So I mention this to my boss when he gets back and he shrugs it off because he's the kind of person like most people that work there that have been there for 20 years and couldn't care any less if they don't have to deal with it directly. So finally I get in a case of pecans when there was 16 on the shelf still and we'd sold 7 in a month and I take one up to the assistant Dave and call him out on it. I said what's the deal we didn't need to get this in we hardly sell any to begin with you're just ordering me crap I don't need. He replies if they will go on the shelf he's going to order them. So I take the new ones and put them in a display in a different aisle thinking maybe being in two locations they would have a better chance of selling and I cleared it with my boss and he said that was fine. Next week he does it again with something else, almonds I think and now I am getting frustrated and I take them to my boss and I said he's either doing this on purpose or he's an idiot. My boss knows the guy sucks at ordering he screws up stuff all the time but he's too lazy to deal with it because he doesn't want to order himself and he just doesn't care. More time goes by and what do I get in another case of the same stupid pecans that I took to his face and told him I didn't need. We hadn't even sold a single one from the other aisle either so there was no reason for it. I went to my boss and I said look I am tired of dealing with his crap and it seems like he is doing it on purpose or he is just honestly stupid. I said from now on I don't want him in my aisle, I will order my own peyton and my boss said that was fine or he would do it himself. So my boss forgets to tell Dave and I order my stuff and it's like 5 minutes before quitting time and everyone else leaves and I noticed nobody filled the water display and if nobody else does it unofficially I am supposed to so I went to pull out the pallet and do it myself and here comes Dave from ordering and he starts griping at me that I don't need to be messing with the numbers in the order gun and that I need to get my stuff done on time or quicker and I simply reply that my boss and I had talked about it and I ordered my peyton that night and that's why it took me longer to get done and he snaps back at me that he just ordered my stuff and I kind of looked at him like and I am thinking to myself that doesn't change the fact I ordered already or that it took me longer so I repeat what I just said again and all this while I am hauling out this huge pallet so I start to continue what I was doing and he just wouldn't stop running his mouth and he follows me out as I start to fill the display saying I don't need to be ordering my peyton because he just did and I am getting frustrated now and I say well that's wonderful it got ordered twice to which he replies again that I don't need to be ordering if I can't get stuff done quicker/on time. So then I kind of snapped back at him that if he would learn to fracking order,(no I didn't say fracking I began cursing at him hahaha) then I wouldn't have to. So yeah then more yelling and arguing ensues as I call him out on all the stuff he had been ordering me I didn't need and that before he gets on me about how I do my job he needs to learn to do his own fracking job correctly and his eyes get big and he yells 'Excuse me?!' and I snap back "You fracking heard me I didn't stutter." and he asked if we needed to take this upstairs and I snapped back again No Thanks I would like to get my damn job done so I can go home. It was quite nasty. So he finally walks away and I leave and then I came in early the next night and told my boss what happened and he said well I was wrong for yelling at him but he shouldn't have followed me around bothering me about it if my boss said I could order he should have dropped it and that if he was going to continue he should have taken me off the sales floor or gone into the dairy cooler and we could yell, scream, curse, whatever we wanted because nobody could hear. I said I honestly think he has something against me, he never speaks to me. Not a hi or goodbye, he is talkative and jokes around with the other coworkers but the only time he speaks to me is to get at me about something. I said I just can't deal with it anymore. This is borderline harassment material and I am tired of people walking all over me.
The next night it appears he speaks with him in the conference room and I am hoping things will improve. Well I was wrong, oh yes this is just the first instance not even me losing it this morning. That was a couple weeks ago.
So last night the computer went crazy and sent me a bunch of crap I didn't need. I get the scanner gun and check numbers to make sure there isn't an error. If there is I will continue to get this extra junk weekly and if I don't fix it nobody else will so it's just more work for me to deal with. It is getting late and Dave comes into my aisle and asks if I have ordered yet and I said no. I was down to my last few boxes for that aisle and Bob comes down and brings me a scanner because he was done with it so as I am finishing up I scan things here and there to start checking through the order. Dave comes down my aisle scans a few things and says I need to finish up the cases in the aisle before I start ordering. Which he was just being a jerk because hello I had two cases left which would take all of 2 minutes to put up. So I concede and put up the last two and then scan some more. Oh what do I find? The regular salted peanuts says there's 29 but there is only 4 on the shelf and guess who decided to order another case. I track him down because I freaking caught him red handed. I walk up to him with the gun and show him and ask if he ordered this. He says yes and I say well I am removing it because we have display racks that also have the same stuff on them and I had talked with my boss the previous day about whether he wanted to order to fill the displays or to take from the display and fill the shelf. He said they were changing the displays around and for now just pull from there to the shelf rather than order more. Rather than admit he made a mistake he says "Well I didn't know about that" in kind of a snide, smartass tone. I look at him and throw my hands up and said "THAT is why I order my own now" and I start to turn around and walk away. He raises his voice at me and says he is going to order if I have not finished. I kind of cut him off, I turned around real quick and snapped at him not to raise his voice at me and he starts to yell again and stops and tells me to go into the back. Which basically cut me loose to say whatever the heck I wanted. Most of it is a blur because I was so fired up and upset that he is continuing to run his mouth we argued and then he told me to go into the cooler and I tore into his face yelling and screaming that I was tired of being treated this way and that I know he has been doing it on purpose and if he has a problem with me he needs to come out and say it to my face because I am sick of it. I yelled some more about the ordering thing and that my boss gave me permission. He tries to yell for me not to raise my voice at him but I shoved the comment down his throat screaming back in his face that my boss said I could yell/scream all I wanted in the cooler because nobody could hear. I told him I don't give a frack whether his name tag says assistant on it or not, I refuse to be treated like I am a piece of crap on the bottom of his shoe. Finally he decided he was losing the fight with words or something who knows but he took his only trump card and took the pansy way out. He ordered me to put the scanner gun away and finish my stuff and at that point it just made me so sick I wanted to kill him. He used his authority card on me and I couldn't do anything about it. I tell him I am sick and possibly having something like an anxiety attack, my hands were all shaking and I was so upset and angry I wanted to just vomit. He says I can't go home. I tried the discriminating card but he didn't go for it, he stuck to his authority card and said he doesn't care what anyone else says or said and that I need to do what he says and if I clock out and walk out the door I no longer have a job. I so just wanted him dead. If I ever thought I was capable of harming someone to that point or doing something illegal of that nature man I don't think I have ever come closer to wishing harm on someone and wanting to do it so badly as I did this morning. Which kind of fascinates me. I know I am intelligent and realize the consequences of crazy actions but it makes me think at what point do these people that go on shooting sprees and murder people get pushed past their limits? I know it's not always about those issues causing people to do those things. Some people just get enjoyment or think they're better than the law and won't get caught or whatever. But say the school shootings or things of similar nature, what pushes these people/kids beyond their rational thought limits? It's intriguing, I swear if I had the attention span and effort to do it pursuing some sort of psychology studies would have probably been enjoyable. Anyways, I was so upset I almost walked out the door anyways but because I have responsibilities like bills and feeding myself I don't have the luxury of doing anything like that. So I had to bite my lip and finish my stuff but I finally broke down and shed tears. To just get pushed so far to where you are overcome by that hopeless feeling, the feeling that you are powerless and that somehow society lets people like him get away with treating someone this way and the "status structure" society has built protects him and it just makes me sick. That's why I say if I was unintelligent I probably would have lost it completely and done something bad or at least I can completely visualize it. Then again I have this own sense of self-justice where people like him don't deserve to live in my world and an idiot like him doesn't deserve to spawn children. haha I guess I really am disturbed. So I probably embarrassed myself in front of everyone that saw tears running down my face, I don't think I had done that so much since I was a kid but I figure that's a better way to vent my emotions/frustrations than something destructive or self-destructive or wasting away with liquor again...
But yeah it's been a pretty miserable past few weeks but I am off today and took Saturday off for Lee's birthday so hopefully I will feel a bit refreshed by Sunday. I talked to my dad for a while just now and he gave me a big lecture but said that if my boss won't do anything about Dave's behavior that I need to decide whether I want to do something about it and talk to HR about harassment or hostile work environment kind of stuff because I shouldn't be having yelling matches in the cooler or be brought to such a stress level that I am having a breakdown. He said issues like that they should take seriously and allow me to transfer if I would like. Then he also said to look for another job and that Tim is going to call my dad the minute he knows about hiring for Blue Ash because that's the kind of guy he is and that hopefully that would be a good opportunity for me.