Comments | deusssexmachina: ACCIDENTALLY PERFECT

deusssexmachina

ACCIDENTALLY PERFECT

Nov 22, 2009 16:13

This was written for the 3rd November challenge in the Brigits Flame community. The prompt was:

ACCIDENTALLY PERFECT

At two in the morning, lights were still up in the big hall in Chasewell mansion. A mixed company had gathered around the round table - a group of about ten men and women of ages fifteen to sixty. Most of them were showing clear ( Read more... )

brigitsflame

Comments 14

Editing cedarwolfsinger November 30 2009, 00:32:53 UTC

Hello, I am one of your editors for this week. Please note - I go paragraph by paragraph because that makes sense to me. Also - all my “changes” are merely suggestions. Take from them whatever makes sense to you and disregard whatever does not suit you ( ... )

Re: Editing deusssexmachina November 30 2009, 01:21:44 UTC

Thank you for the grammar fix. And:
Oh... my... god...
The crucified herself is a real joke. LMAO. Sorry!!! I just didn´t realize it meant something else than what I wanted to say, and it came to me now!
Im aware of writing long sentences, and I like them long. It worries me that nobody else does (youre by far not the first to say so), but I like them still!
How do you pronounce "heir" that you need "an" in front of it?

PS: I think she didn´t start over later, because he managed to persuade her she didn´t have talent, and she knew it couldn´t have been bought.

Re: Editing cedarwolfsinger November 30 2009, 03:11:03 UTC

One pronounces "heir" so that it sounds like "air" -- an heir. Sometimes I think people get lost in long sentences -- like I said, though, take what works for you and leave whatever does not suit.

Re: Editing ephemeralbreath November 30 2009, 08:06:26 UTC

Hello, once again, it's me, Kelly, here to edit your work! Sorry for the delay in editing -- it's been a long week.

The woman run a hand through her shoulder lenght hair nervously and began to read aloud like an obediant child at school.
"Run" should be "ran."
There is a typo in "length."
"Obedient" is spelled wrong.

"In the night..."
This should be "on the night." I know prepositions for non-native English speakers can be difficult, and the only way to really learn it is by just by listening to it or by trial and error.

"Sounds pretty pathetic",The punctuation should always be inside quotation marks, unless it is a case in which they aren't... Confusing, I know, but most times in story writing, punctuation is inside ( ... )