neurology
the past 2 weeks or so has been the most exciting time of my life
yes, a few weeks ago, after having some good "coke" i went through a 3 day illness, which i called cocaine reflux... i know now that while it was that, it wasn't just cocaine...
yes, i was closing in on what i thought was going to be a summary thesis about how emo (right brain) and logico (left brain) ppl make decisions using the same machinery, just informed by different code fragments (neuron behavioural pathways)...
no, i was partially wrong when i made the assumption that action is generated in the logico region and that intention was generated in the emotico region, as i later found out...
yes, i spent most of the two weeks after the cocaine incident awake, although i was so adrenalised that i still managed to live fairly normally...
yes, after we couldn't get pot that weird nite 2 weekends ago, i didn't smoke pot again...
yes, after the cocaine incident, alcohol made me sick every time so i stopped drinking it, and the one or two bumps of k i had in the days after made me extremely ill and i went through a psychotic episode in which i revisited suicidal thoughts from 16 years ago, same thoughts, out of the blue, and within 8 hours they were gone as magically as they'd appeared...
no, i was NOT happy to see everyone in the house fucked up on coke, k and alcohol 2 nights before my first exam, that level of disrespect for my studying... and yes, i complained that nothing exciting ever happens around this house anymore coz everyone is obsessed with only one thing... and yes, i accidentally psychoanalysed a fully emo person that night, successfully for the first time ever...
yes i went to my first exam, graph theory, on friday 12 november, after not sleeping the night before, erm.. except that the left side of my brain had slept for 3 hours and that alone wasn't enough to do my head in (pardon the pun), but i was very ponderous about what it meant, since the right side of my brain rarely came out to play for most of my life, before that anyways...
yes.... on saturday the 13th of november, while the ppl in the house were coming down and haggard looking from mdma, i wrote the draft abstract of my thesis, and when i proofread it at 6am i analysed it the way i normally analyse what ppl are saying to me and for the first time in my life, i could see inside my own mental structures and was quite startled, it was very unsettling.. i became self-aware in that instant, it was like when you get out of the shower and the mirror is foggy, so you wipe it and you see your reflection for a moment before it fogs up again... i slept very disturbed and later, at around 4.30pm had the most amazing anxiety attack while i was in the city... i knew what to do, but didn't know what was happening, so i came home as quickly as possible, wondering why i had tears when i never cry over anything usually (except being dumped by lil adam -- there had to be a first time i guess) and got on the net to graham (he has an honours degree in psychology) and told him all the symptoms, my heart rate was 240bpm and i hadn't had drugs for at least a week, so i had no idea and was preparing to go to st vincents for my protection when i asked nat and blake to leave for their protection...
no i didn't go to st vincents as i passed all the tests that showed i wasn't psychotic, so i went to graham's in the mountains, where we discussed what was happening and i felt a lot better after that and then it got bizarre...
yes, graham mentioned and old theory from 1976 in relation to something that happened to me years ago.. and i was curious so i looked it up on the net.... and....
no, it didn't seem to apply.
but then i found another site, with more details about it, and the site owner mentioned he'd had something related happen to him during a mystery illness, and as i read through it....
yes. not only did it explain what was happening to me, but it was the missing piece of the puzzle for my theory of psychological processes in decision making, although at that moment, i didn't quite realise that fully...
yes, i have been amazed by the people who've crawled out of the woodwork from all sorts of places and surrounded me after that revelation, and by their strength; and of one in particular, i will never forget that you've been there for me, and endured up to 4 "psychotic" episodes a day in the first few days after finding out...
no, i have not been amazed by the people who didn't.
no, after tests and counselling, i am not psychotic.
yes, after 2 weeks of not sleeping, my body fat plummeted from 7% to 4.5%...
yes, it affected my final exam, but no, sydney uni is not punishing me for it.
no, i can't take drugs or drink alcohol for quite some time.
yes, i care that my life has changed, but no, i don't care.
today one of the academics at sydney uni, who i've chatted to a lot this past year, offered to co-supervise my PhD on what i've discovered.
yes, a few weeks ago, after having some good "coke" i went through a 3 day illness, which i called cocaine reflux... i know now that while it was that, it wasn't just cocaine...
yes, i was closing in on what i thought was going to be a summary thesis about how emo (right brain) and logico (left brain) ppl make decisions using the same machinery, just informed by different code fragments (neuron behavioural pathways)...
no, i was partially wrong when i made the assumption that action is generated in the logico region and that intention was generated in the emotico region, as i later found out...
yes, i spent most of the two weeks after the cocaine incident awake, although i was so adrenalised that i still managed to live fairly normally...
yes, after we couldn't get pot that weird nite 2 weekends ago, i didn't smoke pot again...
yes, after the cocaine incident, alcohol made me sick every time so i stopped drinking it, and the one or two bumps of k i had in the days after made me extremely ill and i went through a psychotic episode in which i revisited suicidal thoughts from 16 years ago, same thoughts, out of the blue, and within 8 hours they were gone as magically as they'd appeared...
no, i was NOT happy to see everyone in the house fucked up on coke, k and alcohol 2 nights before my first exam, that level of disrespect for my studying... and yes, i complained that nothing exciting ever happens around this house anymore coz everyone is obsessed with only one thing... and yes, i accidentally psychoanalysed a fully emo person that night, successfully for the first time ever...
yes i went to my first exam, graph theory, on friday 12 november, after not sleeping the night before, erm.. except that the left side of my brain had slept for 3 hours and that alone wasn't enough to do my head in (pardon the pun), but i was very ponderous about what it meant, since the right side of my brain rarely came out to play for most of my life, before that anyways...
yes.... on saturday the 13th of november, while the ppl in the house were coming down and haggard looking from mdma, i wrote the draft abstract of my thesis, and when i proofread it at 6am i analysed it the way i normally analyse what ppl are saying to me and for the first time in my life, i could see inside my own mental structures and was quite startled, it was very unsettling.. i became self-aware in that instant, it was like when you get out of the shower and the mirror is foggy, so you wipe it and you see your reflection for a moment before it fogs up again... i slept very disturbed and later, at around 4.30pm had the most amazing anxiety attack while i was in the city... i knew what to do, but didn't know what was happening, so i came home as quickly as possible, wondering why i had tears when i never cry over anything usually (except being dumped by lil adam -- there had to be a first time i guess) and got on the net to graham (he has an honours degree in psychology) and told him all the symptoms, my heart rate was 240bpm and i hadn't had drugs for at least a week, so i had no idea and was preparing to go to st vincents for my protection when i asked nat and blake to leave for their protection...
no i didn't go to st vincents as i passed all the tests that showed i wasn't psychotic, so i went to graham's in the mountains, where we discussed what was happening and i felt a lot better after that and then it got bizarre...
yes, graham mentioned and old theory from 1976 in relation to something that happened to me years ago.. and i was curious so i looked it up on the net.... and....
no, it didn't seem to apply.
but then i found another site, with more details about it, and the site owner mentioned he'd had something related happen to him during a mystery illness, and as i read through it....
yes. not only did it explain what was happening to me, but it was the missing piece of the puzzle for my theory of psychological processes in decision making, although at that moment, i didn't quite realise that fully...
yes, i have been amazed by the people who've crawled out of the woodwork from all sorts of places and surrounded me after that revelation, and by their strength; and of one in particular, i will never forget that you've been there for me, and endured up to 4 "psychotic" episodes a day in the first few days after finding out...
no, i have not been amazed by the people who didn't.
no, after tests and counselling, i am not psychotic.
yes, after 2 weeks of not sleeping, my body fat plummeted from 7% to 4.5%...
yes, it affected my final exam, but no, sydney uni is not punishing me for it.
no, i can't take drugs or drink alcohol for quite some time.
yes, i care that my life has changed, but no, i don't care.
today one of the academics at sydney uni, who i've chatted to a lot this past year, offered to co-supervise my PhD on what i've discovered.