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[devissickness]

my hands slide to the left and the tires lean toward that dotted yellow sparkle in the middle of the road. like a bug i'm lured toward the shining beacons, aching for contact between cars. I'm making my own grave in my head with crashes and airbags and pain and peace

Comments

[crazyzim]

have you considered dating eric? heh... heh.

no, but seriously... i think maybe this kind of intensity is not to be matched. there is an inexplicable calm feeling that comes from being with a person who doesn't feel a need to reach for those oft-unattainable desires for arguments and chaos; someone who lets you seek out those things without holding you back, but who levels you by breaking you out of those patterns into peace. and you shouldn't have to sacrifice self-esteem OR passion. there is a balance that can exist for you, with someone who doesn't choose to lean on you necessarily, but lets you look to them for your guidance, and steers you away from head-on collisions...

i don't mean this to sound like, "you don't know what you want," because i don't believe that's the case, and i certainly know no better. but don't resign yourself to thinking that this one type is the only thing out there for you... because you just might be very very surprised to find that it's not at all.

[devissickness]

Its just that there is something so appealing about someone with passion. I'm not necessarily talking about romance either...I'm looking for a Dean Moriarty because I see myself more as a Sal Paradise (or a Piglet to his Pooh as seen in the Tao books). Dean is inspiring in his unending go, go, go all the time attitude and the way that he wants to try new things and go new places and just live life to the fullest. Those people that say they'll sleep when their dead are the best kind of people to me. I see it in all my friends sometimes too (you must admit dear, you and I have had this attitude before in college!) Its just passion I want, and chill relationships in my experience (it doesn't always have to be this way) lack that sense of adventure and precariousness that I love.

[crazyzim]

yeah, i definitely understand what you mean. but i'm not at all talking about sacrificing passion. maybe just... finding it in different things. in things you never knew could excite you. i'll admit, there's not a lot of sense of "adventure" in my daily life these days but i'd like to think i still know where to find it. i hope.

[devissickness]

Appreciated...its just that I think I'm at a point in my life where I'm very alone (even though I have my friends) and I'm feeling rather liberated and in need of adventure and excitement that my daily life just isn't providing. Kind of like when you and Lauren went on your three month excursion across the states. I think I need something like that, even if I have to do it alone.