The holidays always make me feel a little melancholy...
and tonight I was reminded why.
Before I tell you exactly why, I suppose you should know that on the subject of humanity, I'm lost. I feel conflicted most times when the subject of good vs. bad comes up (not that it comes up all that often, but it has...), especially regarding our species. I feel that as a species, we are gifted with so much potential, but so much of that potential is squandered on petty, insignificant things. Here we are, given this gift of life, and we are told, go forth, use this gift to the best of your ability, make the most of your life. Now stop for a minute, and think. Really think. How many people in your life are actually doing this? I mean really, REALLY living their lives? Not too many right? Or maybe my definition of living life is different than most peoples'.
You're all wondering why I'm bringing this up. Tonight I had a brief, albeit eye-opening conversation with my longtime friend Shaun. We began our convo by discussing his boyfriend Cory, who unlike him, has zero desire to step outside his social/habitual comfort zone. Shaun complains that Cory is content to live in his room, playing on his computer and never set foot outside his door unless he has to. This of course is no surprise to me; I've known Cory for quite sometime and having known him for that time, I am fully aware of the fact that he is a total and utter homebody. I also have a few people in my life who exhibit the same behavior (my youngest brother, for example). And I don't condone them for it, as I have always followed the mantra of "live and let live", and though I am not anywhere near as bad as he is, I myself exhibit many homebody behaviors. But I wonder exactly if this is really living life. Is living life more about what you choose to do with your time on Earth? Or is it more like a scale? Is Cory living his life on zero? Is he squandering away precious time that could be spent in the company of others, learning all that he can, taking in all that this gigantic planet has to offer?
On the same note, is there a right and wrong way to live your life? Or again, is it just the decisions you make? The second part of our conversation led in a much more troubling direction. A dear, dear mutual friend of ours has gone from making bad decisions that could probably be rectified, to making terrible decisions that will scar him for life and have changed everything about him and the way he lives. As a close friend of his, I know it is my responsibility to at least confront him and talk to him about why he is making these decisions, why it is that he is so self-destructive. I would expect the same of my friends if I were in his shoes. But as a fellow human being, is it really any of my business? If I follow my mantra, is it not his decision? What makes me so sure that I am the one making the right decisions? Who am I to tell him he's wrong? I feel in my heart, and more importantly, my head that I am right. Regardless of that fact, still the nagging thought of free will is ever present in my mind.
In addition to this conversation with Shaun, I was also shown a pile of really old Christmas cards that apparently used to belong to my step-grandmother. None of you ever had the displeasure of meeting my step-grandmother, and she died five years ago from kidney failure from smoking two packs a day for most of her life. She was a bitter, grouchy old woman when she died, though the only part I'm sure had changed from when she was young was the old part. As I finished looking through the pile, my aunt informed me that on her death bed, my SG admitted to her that she had never treated my aunt or myself right, that because we weren't really in the family she had treated us badly, with much more disdain than the rest of the family. At first it made me sad, to know that she had seen the error of her ways, but as I reflected on this later, it only made me angry. What exactly about her life had been so terrible that she had turned into this bitter, miserable person? She had never wonted for anything, she grew up with a good family and though my grandfather is a difficult man, he provided for her and gave her two children that she loved dearly. So what excuse did she have for being such a miserable old hag who only repented on her death bed? Would she have been a different person if she had made different decisions?
My SG's repentance was more of a personal revelation, in which I realized that the decisions I make now, and more importantly the ways in which I affect other's lives will most certainly either aide me or scar me for the rest of my life. I won't attempt to convey the sorrow I felt at hearing the news of my friend's bad decisions. But in truth, it's only one more reason that overall I find the human race to be both sad and disturbing. Try as I might, I can never find enough proof of the good in people. I know I'm lucky, I have friends and family who show their love, generosity and understanding time after time. But as a whole, the human race is petty, ignorant and selfish. And every year we attempt to pull it together for less than a month. And I don't think that everyone does it out of the goodness of their hearts. It's more like some people do it for pure good and most people put on a front to have that fake ass shit reciprocated. And that, my friends is why Christmas makes me sad. Because we're all doomed. We've failed as a species. Through the ages we've suffered setback after setback and instead of getting our shit together and learning from our mistakes, we've become selfish, manipulative bastards whose only goal is to take care of number one.
So this year, since I know I can't save the human race, I'm going to save myself. As my New Year's resolution, instead of making promises to lose weight or stop picking my nose (joke) (maybe...), I'm making a change within. I'm vowing to stop making decisions that I know are wrong, to get out there and really live my life, to do my best to aide others in need, to be a better friend and family member, to show more love and less hate and to stop feeling anger and start feeling........I'm not sure. But I'm hoping that with the rest, that one will finish itself. I don't believe in karma necessarily, but I do think that things come back around, especially because people are good at remembering the bad and bad at remembering the good. So I'm going to do my best to eliminate all the bad I can.
On a more cheerful note, I've started developing a five year plan, the only unfortunate part of which is that it does not involve living in NYC again (sorry Dee :( ). Driving through the PA countryside on Tuesday really made me aware of how much I want to live in the country. I want a big house, with acres and acres of land where I can ride my horses and my family can visit and relax (and go hunting, apparently my mom and I are the only ones who don't really find any interest in that). I want a fixer upper, that I can put my heart and soul into and really make into my own home. I'm even considering opening a bed and breakfast, if I can secure a large enough house. I don't know exactly what I'd do to support myself, but that's something I'm working on. The important thing is that I realized my dream, and I can start from there.
Thank you all for listening (err...reading? Lol.) and since I probably won't post again before the holidays, I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year. And FYI, I would really like to hear your opinions on everything I posted about. I know the ones reading this are the opinions I will value the most.
G'night folks. :)
Before I tell you exactly why, I suppose you should know that on the subject of humanity, I'm lost. I feel conflicted most times when the subject of good vs. bad comes up (not that it comes up all that often, but it has...), especially regarding our species. I feel that as a species, we are gifted with so much potential, but so much of that potential is squandered on petty, insignificant things. Here we are, given this gift of life, and we are told, go forth, use this gift to the best of your ability, make the most of your life. Now stop for a minute, and think. Really think. How many people in your life are actually doing this? I mean really, REALLY living their lives? Not too many right? Or maybe my definition of living life is different than most peoples'.
You're all wondering why I'm bringing this up. Tonight I had a brief, albeit eye-opening conversation with my longtime friend Shaun. We began our convo by discussing his boyfriend Cory, who unlike him, has zero desire to step outside his social/habitual comfort zone. Shaun complains that Cory is content to live in his room, playing on his computer and never set foot outside his door unless he has to. This of course is no surprise to me; I've known Cory for quite sometime and having known him for that time, I am fully aware of the fact that he is a total and utter homebody. I also have a few people in my life who exhibit the same behavior (my youngest brother, for example). And I don't condone them for it, as I have always followed the mantra of "live and let live", and though I am not anywhere near as bad as he is, I myself exhibit many homebody behaviors. But I wonder exactly if this is really living life. Is living life more about what you choose to do with your time on Earth? Or is it more like a scale? Is Cory living his life on zero? Is he squandering away precious time that could be spent in the company of others, learning all that he can, taking in all that this gigantic planet has to offer?
On the same note, is there a right and wrong way to live your life? Or again, is it just the decisions you make? The second part of our conversation led in a much more troubling direction. A dear, dear mutual friend of ours has gone from making bad decisions that could probably be rectified, to making terrible decisions that will scar him for life and have changed everything about him and the way he lives. As a close friend of his, I know it is my responsibility to at least confront him and talk to him about why he is making these decisions, why it is that he is so self-destructive. I would expect the same of my friends if I were in his shoes. But as a fellow human being, is it really any of my business? If I follow my mantra, is it not his decision? What makes me so sure that I am the one making the right decisions? Who am I to tell him he's wrong? I feel in my heart, and more importantly, my head that I am right. Regardless of that fact, still the nagging thought of free will is ever present in my mind.
In addition to this conversation with Shaun, I was also shown a pile of really old Christmas cards that apparently used to belong to my step-grandmother. None of you ever had the displeasure of meeting my step-grandmother, and she died five years ago from kidney failure from smoking two packs a day for most of her life. She was a bitter, grouchy old woman when she died, though the only part I'm sure had changed from when she was young was the old part. As I finished looking through the pile, my aunt informed me that on her death bed, my SG admitted to her that she had never treated my aunt or myself right, that because we weren't really in the family she had treated us badly, with much more disdain than the rest of the family. At first it made me sad, to know that she had seen the error of her ways, but as I reflected on this later, it only made me angry. What exactly about her life had been so terrible that she had turned into this bitter, miserable person? She had never wonted for anything, she grew up with a good family and though my grandfather is a difficult man, he provided for her and gave her two children that she loved dearly. So what excuse did she have for being such a miserable old hag who only repented on her death bed? Would she have been a different person if she had made different decisions?
My SG's repentance was more of a personal revelation, in which I realized that the decisions I make now, and more importantly the ways in which I affect other's lives will most certainly either aide me or scar me for the rest of my life. I won't attempt to convey the sorrow I felt at hearing the news of my friend's bad decisions. But in truth, it's only one more reason that overall I find the human race to be both sad and disturbing. Try as I might, I can never find enough proof of the good in people. I know I'm lucky, I have friends and family who show their love, generosity and understanding time after time. But as a whole, the human race is petty, ignorant and selfish. And every year we attempt to pull it together for less than a month. And I don't think that everyone does it out of the goodness of their hearts. It's more like some people do it for pure good and most people put on a front to have that fake ass shit reciprocated. And that, my friends is why Christmas makes me sad. Because we're all doomed. We've failed as a species. Through the ages we've suffered setback after setback and instead of getting our shit together and learning from our mistakes, we've become selfish, manipulative bastards whose only goal is to take care of number one.
So this year, since I know I can't save the human race, I'm going to save myself. As my New Year's resolution, instead of making promises to lose weight or stop picking my nose (joke) (maybe...), I'm making a change within. I'm vowing to stop making decisions that I know are wrong, to get out there and really live my life, to do my best to aide others in need, to be a better friend and family member, to show more love and less hate and to stop feeling anger and start feeling........I'm not sure. But I'm hoping that with the rest, that one will finish itself. I don't believe in karma necessarily, but I do think that things come back around, especially because people are good at remembering the bad and bad at remembering the good. So I'm going to do my best to eliminate all the bad I can.
On a more cheerful note, I've started developing a five year plan, the only unfortunate part of which is that it does not involve living in NYC again (sorry Dee :( ). Driving through the PA countryside on Tuesday really made me aware of how much I want to live in the country. I want a big house, with acres and acres of land where I can ride my horses and my family can visit and relax (and go hunting, apparently my mom and I are the only ones who don't really find any interest in that). I want a fixer upper, that I can put my heart and soul into and really make into my own home. I'm even considering opening a bed and breakfast, if I can secure a large enough house. I don't know exactly what I'd do to support myself, but that's something I'm working on. The important thing is that I realized my dream, and I can start from there.
Thank you all for listening (err...reading? Lol.) and since I probably won't post again before the holidays, I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year. And FYI, I would really like to hear your opinions on everything I posted about. I know the ones reading this are the opinions I will value the most.
G'night folks. :)