We're Closer than We Think to Home.
January.
So. I've been back in California for quite some time now, about two and a half weeks, and I suppose I feel the distinct need to update at this moment in time because I'm about to leave California again. Funny, right? Yes. Yes it is. I am currently sitting in the now-too-familiar Sacramento International Airport waiting for my 9:10am flight to CHICAGO. Outreach time again, ladies and gents. You can't hold this girl back.
I See: Sac Int'l Airport
I Feel: sleepy
I Hear: elevator music
---
February.
Over the last four months, much to my appreciation, my hope of finding something new to add to my perception of life was met. I have felt more centered and at ease with myself than I have in years, if I ever had at all, and it's because of such a wide array of my dealings concerning the Woolman Semester. It's because I took that leap of faith to travel across the country, for having it worked out so amazingly well, and being able to feel confident that I can trust my gut intuitions. It's because of the issues and people I have confronted honestly, of learning how to speak my truth and being unashamed of it, of finally accepting that even if my truth is hurtful to the person hearing it, it is still better for them to have heard it unadulterated and from the source. It's because of those I've connected with even though we're so different, of seeing myself truly as an adult for perhaps the first time, of feeling responsible and mature enough to allow others to see me as an adult as well. It's because of watching fourteen students grow and learn from each other, of seeing how open they were to cultivating an environment of change and experience and trust with those who were previously complete strangers, of seeing their passion and drive to challenge and improve themselves. I feel whole and unadulterated in ways I have never known before. I am ready to go home, to return and pick up where I left off, and for all the right reasons.
I Feel: anxious
---
March.
The Re-enrollment Office is pleased to inform you that you have been readmitted to the University of Maryland.
Oh my god. I didn't realize how worried I was until just now when I'm not worried anymore.
I See: Waterstown, MA
I Feel: ecstatic
---
April.
Everything I want to type out here just seems trite. I keep starting out a sentence, stare for a moment and then hold down on the delete button. So, I'll keep it simple.
Time to go home. Damn.
I don't know if I've figured out yet how it feels to be leaving California permanently. I don't know if it's sunk in just yet. Less than 48 hours now. I'm sure it will happen soon.
I Feel: pensive
I Hear: Spoke In Tongues, Chantal Kreviazuk
---
May.
Every morning I just look at my Dipper for a second, and think to myself: Clarity.
A constant reminder of what it truely means to live for the moment, to be honest and true to myself. Something else that it reminds me of that I did not anticipate when I got it: the value of remembering the past fondly, and with no regrets.
I Feel: relaxed
I Hear: Billy Jean, David Cook
---
June.
It hurts so bad. I can't condone it, I don't know how to be friends with someone who treats people the way that he treated me. But it's none of my fucking business what they do with themselves, is it justifiable to want to end a friendship because of the way she's treating another of my friends? Does that even concern me?
I See: Cedar Square Homes
I Feel: sick
---
July.
I just read the most outrageous article ever.
The only thing I can think to say is this woman probably has something in common with a certain character from American Beauty. No one this homophobic, irrational and outright ridiculous could have such a vendetta against people she knows nothing about unless it was also against herself.
I Feel: floored
---
August:
It's hard to watch people you care about hurting and hurting from each other. And I know that hurting inside very easily transforms into anger when you're trying to hide from it, when you don't want to talk about it. And that's fine. But maybe instead of asking someone what they're doing with their life, you should be focusing on what you're doing with yours. Are you happy? Are you doing everything you can with the short time you are (consciously) given?
Is it really so much easier to stay angry, than to realize and accept that someone you love is doing everything in his power to become the person he knows he's supposed to be inside? Even if you don't agree?
I Feel: pensive
I Hear: Heart of Life, John Mayer
---
September.
15. Threw a bean bag chair out of a fourth story window.
16. Threw a marble at my crush in fourth grade. He thew it at me first.
17. Bought alcohol in California and the attendant thought my Maryland ID was fake.
18. Watched the sun rise every morning for two months straight, while rowing on a river.
19. Skipped class to go to a concert.
20. Stole a $.10 eraser from a store when I was in first grade. My mom found out, drove me back and made me pay for it while she waited in the car. I never stole a single thing ever again.
21. Sat at lunch by myself for two weeks in 8th grade before I worked up the nerve to ask someone if I could sit with them.
22. Wore pajama pants to school 4 out of 5 days a week my senior year in high school.
23. Smiled at a teacher who yelled at me in 4th grade because she thought I smiled too much. I didn't know what else to do.
I Feel: internally giggly
I Hear: Anberlin
---
October.
Dear You Again,
When I am around you, I feel completely able to be myself. I revel in that feeling. I don't know if that is what attracts me to you. It could also be that there are no games with you, only truth. You know exactly who you are -- at least you come off that way -- and that is so sexy to me.
Dear You,
No, I will not go out with you.
Dear You,
You surprised me. I'm glad.
Dear You,
I think I'm starting to believe in You. But only if You're a woman.
I Feel: purged
---
November.
I love today's horoscope, so I want to share it:
"You have reached your limit dealing with people who are not willing to acknowledge their feelings. But don't jump to any conclusions, for it's possible that you misinterpreted someone's attempt to reach out to you. Sometimes, you can be so goal-oriented that you miss a more subtle communication. Take the time to sink into your emotions before accusing others of avoiding theirs."
Touche, tarot.com. Touche.
I Feel: amused
---
December.
In the course of a discussion I had with my poetry teacher, she essentially advised me to stop avoiding the 'you' (read: Jeff) in my old poetry. Since that is exactly what I had been doing - deliberately - and was slowly discovering it to be the elephant in the room of my inspiration (read: avoided writing) this semester, I took her advice. She said the time and distance from the situation might provide an interesting element in drawing on memories and/or conclusions. This is what I came up with: an untitled, pre-workshop, not yet revised, look into the after-affects of a relationship that was so thoroughly soiled by the two people who cared about it most.
I Feel: sleepy
I Hear: When the Time Comes, The Classic Crime
it didn't take me long to believe
that i could do anything,
turn the songs up loud so we can sing,
i am true and i am living..
So. I've been back in California for quite some time now, about two and a half weeks, and I suppose I feel the distinct need to update at this moment in time because I'm about to leave California again. Funny, right? Yes. Yes it is. I am currently sitting in the now-too-familiar Sacramento International Airport waiting for my 9:10am flight to CHICAGO. Outreach time again, ladies and gents. You can't hold this girl back.
I See: Sac Int'l Airport
I Feel: sleepy
I Hear: elevator music
---
February.
Over the last four months, much to my appreciation, my hope of finding something new to add to my perception of life was met. I have felt more centered and at ease with myself than I have in years, if I ever had at all, and it's because of such a wide array of my dealings concerning the Woolman Semester. It's because I took that leap of faith to travel across the country, for having it worked out so amazingly well, and being able to feel confident that I can trust my gut intuitions. It's because of the issues and people I have confronted honestly, of learning how to speak my truth and being unashamed of it, of finally accepting that even if my truth is hurtful to the person hearing it, it is still better for them to have heard it unadulterated and from the source. It's because of those I've connected with even though we're so different, of seeing myself truly as an adult for perhaps the first time, of feeling responsible and mature enough to allow others to see me as an adult as well. It's because of watching fourteen students grow and learn from each other, of seeing how open they were to cultivating an environment of change and experience and trust with those who were previously complete strangers, of seeing their passion and drive to challenge and improve themselves. I feel whole and unadulterated in ways I have never known before. I am ready to go home, to return and pick up where I left off, and for all the right reasons.
I Feel: anxious
---
March.
The Re-enrollment Office is pleased to inform you that you have been readmitted to the University of Maryland.
Oh my god. I didn't realize how worried I was until just now when I'm not worried anymore.
I See: Waterstown, MA
I Feel: ecstatic
---
April.
Everything I want to type out here just seems trite. I keep starting out a sentence, stare for a moment and then hold down on the delete button. So, I'll keep it simple.
Time to go home. Damn.
I don't know if I've figured out yet how it feels to be leaving California permanently. I don't know if it's sunk in just yet. Less than 48 hours now. I'm sure it will happen soon.
I Feel: pensive
I Hear: Spoke In Tongues, Chantal Kreviazuk
---
May.
Every morning I just look at my Dipper for a second, and think to myself: Clarity.
A constant reminder of what it truely means to live for the moment, to be honest and true to myself. Something else that it reminds me of that I did not anticipate when I got it: the value of remembering the past fondly, and with no regrets.
I Feel: relaxed
I Hear: Billy Jean, David Cook
---
June.
It hurts so bad. I can't condone it, I don't know how to be friends with someone who treats people the way that he treated me. But it's none of my fucking business what they do with themselves, is it justifiable to want to end a friendship because of the way she's treating another of my friends? Does that even concern me?
I See: Cedar Square Homes
I Feel: sick
---
July.
I just read the most outrageous article ever.
The only thing I can think to say is this woman probably has something in common with a certain character from American Beauty. No one this homophobic, irrational and outright ridiculous could have such a vendetta against people she knows nothing about unless it was also against herself.
I Feel: floored
---
August:
It's hard to watch people you care about hurting and hurting from each other. And I know that hurting inside very easily transforms into anger when you're trying to hide from it, when you don't want to talk about it. And that's fine. But maybe instead of asking someone what they're doing with their life, you should be focusing on what you're doing with yours. Are you happy? Are you doing everything you can with the short time you are (consciously) given?
Is it really so much easier to stay angry, than to realize and accept that someone you love is doing everything in his power to become the person he knows he's supposed to be inside? Even if you don't agree?
I Feel: pensive
I Hear: Heart of Life, John Mayer
---
September.
15. Threw a bean bag chair out of a fourth story window.
16. Threw a marble at my crush in fourth grade. He thew it at me first.
17. Bought alcohol in California and the attendant thought my Maryland ID was fake.
18. Watched the sun rise every morning for two months straight, while rowing on a river.
19. Skipped class to go to a concert.
20. Stole a $.10 eraser from a store when I was in first grade. My mom found out, drove me back and made me pay for it while she waited in the car. I never stole a single thing ever again.
21. Sat at lunch by myself for two weeks in 8th grade before I worked up the nerve to ask someone if I could sit with them.
22. Wore pajama pants to school 4 out of 5 days a week my senior year in high school.
23. Smiled at a teacher who yelled at me in 4th grade because she thought I smiled too much. I didn't know what else to do.
I Feel: internally giggly
I Hear: Anberlin
---
October.
Dear You Again,
When I am around you, I feel completely able to be myself. I revel in that feeling. I don't know if that is what attracts me to you. It could also be that there are no games with you, only truth. You know exactly who you are -- at least you come off that way -- and that is so sexy to me.
Dear You,
No, I will not go out with you.
Dear You,
You surprised me. I'm glad.
Dear You,
I think I'm starting to believe in You. But only if You're a woman.
I Feel: purged
---
November.
I love today's horoscope, so I want to share it:
"You have reached your limit dealing with people who are not willing to acknowledge their feelings. But don't jump to any conclusions, for it's possible that you misinterpreted someone's attempt to reach out to you. Sometimes, you can be so goal-oriented that you miss a more subtle communication. Take the time to sink into your emotions before accusing others of avoiding theirs."
Touche, tarot.com. Touche.
I Feel: amused
---
December.
In the course of a discussion I had with my poetry teacher, she essentially advised me to stop avoiding the 'you' (read: Jeff) in my old poetry. Since that is exactly what I had been doing - deliberately - and was slowly discovering it to be the elephant in the room of my inspiration (read: avoided writing) this semester, I took her advice. She said the time and distance from the situation might provide an interesting element in drawing on memories and/or conclusions. This is what I came up with: an untitled, pre-workshop, not yet revised, look into the after-affects of a relationship that was so thoroughly soiled by the two people who cared about it most.
I Feel: sleepy
I Hear: When the Time Comes, The Classic Crime
it didn't take me long to believe
that i could do anything,
turn the songs up loud so we can sing,
i am true and i am living..