(no subject)
Ten day meme thing, you know the drill. All RL people, so scroll on by this mess.
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
1. You're over fifty, balding, have bad teeth, are overweight and have the personality of a sack of hammers. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. There are things you've said to me that have nearly made me cry, and I've hoped like crazy you didn't see the (happy) tears. I wish I could tell you a lot of things about myself, but the truth is that I'm scared you might treat me differently. I honestly don't think you would, but hey, I'm a wimp, so there you go. I wish you'd take better care of yourself, too, because the thought of you in pain or dying or dead will ruin me. I love you like family, because we practically are family. Thank you for all the wonderful opportunities you've given me. I only hope that I can prove I was worth them all.
2. I'm not certain we're even friends anymore. In a way, we are the perfect example of every friendship I've had ever. People just go away in the end, and I'll never know why. The common denominator is me, so sorry for being boring or rude or something.
3. Yes, I know I don't come over anymore. There are a lot of reasons for it, but they're not really anything I can say, are they? You need to stop smoking, and you need to stop drinking. Your boys shouldn't have to see you get shitfaced every single night. I love you and respect you, but I don't think you respect me. You once called me 'so fucking liberal' and I got legitimately mad about it. Apparently I qualify for that label since I don't think all Muslims should be rounded up and shot! But I didn't lose my cousin in one of the World Trade Centers. Your worldview is so narrow it astounds me, especially when you have the gall to act like I have no idea what's going on in the world. I'll still hang out with your wife, and help your kids with projects, but your charm has worn off. Also, you have two kids. Don't forget the younger one exists. He needs you.
4. I'm glad you're back, because you're going to be a big help! But the truth is that we'll never be able to be close. I am shamefully threatened by your beauty, your intelligence and your talent. Please stop telling me about how many guys have asked you out since you got back, it makes me feel worthless. Did you know I used to have this silly school girl crush on you? It's funny, because you're straight as an arrow, your boyfriend is a Marine, and no one knows I'm gay. Enjoy your glamorous life.
5. I know it came out of nowhere when I broke up with you, and it really hurt you, and for that I'm sorry. I really did care about you, but I'm not certain that, in hindsight, I truly loved you. It had to be an intellectual affair, because when we were finally visiting one another, I hated it when you touched me. I didn't want to hold hands or kiss you or let you put your hand on my back. That's probably not how close relationships should go! I stopped talking to you because you got creepy about it, but whatever you're doing with your life now, I wish you well, and hope you're happy. We just weren't right for one another in the long run.
6. One of the most terrible times of my life had some of the brightest memories. Those bright memories are because of you, because every high school girl ought to develop a crush on their french teacher. There is so much fucking life in you that it's impossible not to be sucked in. Your travels around the world made me want to do the same (made it as far as Kalamazoo lmfao), but you made me so incredibly happy. You only taught there for two years, because you cannot stay grounded. You left us to go live in a shack in India with no running water or electricity to teach 7-14 year old kids. A bright spot left my life then, but you were incredible to me and everyone else around you.
7. It kind of sucks that the one person who understands the shit I feel on a daily basis had to go and move a continent away, and to find this out after they'd moved away. We've had our rough patches, and sometimes it seems like we were raised by different parents, but life without you would be awful. There are times I've been so mad at you it's made me physically ill, and times I've been so worried about you it's... well, made me physically ill. This is all because I love you like holy shit and will faithfully play the role of AUSPISTICE between you and mom ♥ Also quit playin' WoW.
8. Thanks for being my best friend for two years. It still hurts, the way you ditched me, but I'm getting used to that. My first year in college was amazing thanks to you, and you introduced me to the gay community and made me feel better about myself in a million and one ways. If not for you, I wouldn't be where I am now, but you'll never know. I went through it in middle school: you make friends, and then you ditch them and make a new clique of friends, and so on and so forth. I didn't want to go through it again, so I stopped trying to be your friend. It takes two to tango, bear. Plus you wound up marrying the girl you wanted to hook me up with, so wtf is up with that. At any rate, I hope you two are happy and doing well. Just leave me out of your shenanigans!
9. I still don't think the whole Catholic/Jesuit thing fits you, and you really need to run off and be heathens with the rest of us. I think you do it because your mom (and dad?) expect it of you, but now you're going to a Jesuit college, too? How much of it is you, and how much of it is the intense pressure that comes from your community? You don't have to be Christian to be a good person, and I think you know that, but the way your mom talks, I don't know. Not that she's some crazed Jesus freak, but where she is, it seems that you have to play the part or get ostracized. Whenever you figure out who you are, I'm rooting for you.
10. Hello! You are a big part of the reason I am still so fucked up about trusting people, even 11 years later! You left me so sour to opening myself up completely and totally, and I have never, ever told anyone the full story. Not even the man I thought I loved for two years. There were times I wanted to just spill it all, but I never could. Near the end I knew I could never say it because he had no idea who I was either, and that's my own fault. I do it constantly. I don't want people to know me that well, because then they can kill me. They can do what you did to me, and I never want to be so manipulated again in fucking life. The great part is that you've always acted like you never knew what you did wrong, and that it was all my fault somehow. People I didn't know would contact me to try and figure out 'what really happened'. I would tell them to ask you, because you knew. You fucking knew and you still manipulated others into believing you were the victim. You once asked me if I was straight, and I lied to you. At the time, I don't think I was really lying (lol high school), but it felt like a lie when I wrote 'no'. If I'd said yes you would have hurt me even more, I wouldn't have been ready to let you go at that point when you would have inevitably denounced everything I'd ever done for you because I was a dirty homo. You are the reason I hide in plain sight, even if it hurts being a wallflower, and never making friends. Every new person is potentially a new you. I didn't want to join facebook because of people like you. I experienced the most wonderful sense of passive aggressive victory when I could click IGNORE when you requested to friend me on facebook. Because I know, 11 years later, you still pretend you have no idea what happened.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.