(no subject)
This probably isn't very interesting to read...
Sometimes it's really hard not to get discouraged when you see yourself doing the same things over and over again. I want to start feeling comfortable and happy again. I just can't seem to make that happen for myself.
I feel lost and hopeless about things.
The one good thing in all of this is that I've finally realized some things about myself.
1. I need routine. I love changed, but I need routine. I need to have something very, very stable in my life that I can latch on too and know that it will carry me through the hard times. I need to be clingy, sometimes.
2. I am very insecure about how I am as a person, and often times feel like I compromise my personality during certain situations. I would like to figure out who I am, and finally be comfortable enough with that person to say, "Fuck you if you don't like me, but this is who I am." And not feel like the world is going to crumble around me if that is the case.
3. I need to stop internalizing everything and get the idea that I can fix the world and everyone's problems OUT OF MY HEAD.
4. I have definately been able to say how I am feeling more then I ever have in the past. I have grown so much this past semester. I am becoming something. I just need to mkae sure that I direct myself towards becoming something I can look at in the mirror and be proud of.
5. I constantly feel like I need more time to "put myself together" or "gather my thoughts." I always feel like I need more time for things. Time to plan, and arrange, and set up. It takes me forever to get started on a task. Usually, once I can bring myself to start sometihng I can finish it rather quickly... it's just the getting starting that is the hard part.
MOTIVATION!
I'm pretty sure that the whole reason livejournal exists (for me at least) is so that I can write these things out and post them, and see if I'm crazy or not. I'm constantly checking to see whether or not I'm crazy.
...so far that answer has been "I don't think so."
Hopefully that how it will stay.
Today is our five month aniversary. I don't know how to say what I feel except that I've never been more comfortable or happy or sad or felt as amazingly emotional and alive as I have felt these past few months then any other time in my whole life. I feel like I'm going through a crisis right now, and I'm just lucky enough to have someone who will support me while I do it.
I really feel my heart beating.
I'm also learning that I need to change things about myself.
and wow, I'm just not as articulate as I thought I was.
I learning to laugh at myself again.
I learing that being depressed and tragic and feeling shitty is not the way to go. It's stupid to think that you have to feel tragic and dramatic to be alive. And sometimes, being really stupid and corny, is a good thing.
It's okay to cry.
It's okay to be anxious and upset for no reason. If that is how you feel, then that is how you feel. Don't run away from your emotions, you have to give yourself permission to feel things and know that they are just feelings. That they can't hurt you and that you are only human and you need to give yourself a break sometimes.
Not everything that happens is going to be fun. Not everything is going to be good.
I'm going to be sad. Lonely. In pain. Uncomfortable. Anxious. Scare. Sometimes.
But too, they last for only a few minutes and there are good emotions to balance them out.
You have to take the bad with the good and make the good have a bigger impact on you then the bad. Because everyone has bad things in their lives. EVERYONE.
And it is a winter wonderland outside. Snow is really beautiful.