Chapter One
Welcome all! Here be the first instalment of the Diary. Read on and comment if you wish...
Wednesday 17 June
Parents woke me up at five in the morning. Said I had to clean my room. I said we had house-elves for that kind of thing.
Am now grounded for a month.
Note to self: Kill parents
Friday 19 June
Parents made up by buying me expensive presents. Am still not totally satisfied: one of the presents still had the "priced to clear" sticker on it.
Note to self: Don’t kill parents. Blood is hard to clean off carpet.
Only just figured that out. Duh!
Saturday 20 June
Mother made waffles. Can tell she is sucking up. Wonder what kind of bad news she has this time. If Goyle has jammed his head in a door again...
Note to self: Get intelligent minions
Monday 21 June
Father did not come home tonight. Asked mother where he was. She sniffled and muttered something about "that damn sister of mine".
Father is an adulterer. Wonder if he is a paedophile as well?
Note to self: Sleep with door magically locked from now on.
Tuesday 22 June
Am depressed. Crabbe and Goyle expressing interest in each other. Pansy is becoming lesbian. Blaise is a trans. Father doesn’t want to commit incest. Mother is...mother. Am lonely. Will probably die alone. Oh Crabbie, how could you forsake me?
Note to self: Commit suicide.
Wednesday 23 June
Have realised: Millicent is single! God loves me, me, ME!!!! Voldemort has been eyeing me strangely, too...
Note to self: how does one ask Voldie out?
Friday 25 June
Mother is behaving strangely. I asked her if I could help her, and she turned around and said: "Hop down to the chemist and get me some tampons, would you love?"
Mother is going insane. I fear for her life.
Note to self: what are tampons?
Wednesday 17 June
Parents woke me up at five in the morning. Said I had to clean my room. I said we had house-elves for that kind of thing.
Am now grounded for a month.
Note to self: Kill parents
Friday 19 June
Parents made up by buying me expensive presents. Am still not totally satisfied: one of the presents still had the "priced to clear" sticker on it.
Note to self: Don’t kill parents. Blood is hard to clean off carpet.
Only just figured that out. Duh!
Saturday 20 June
Mother made waffles. Can tell she is sucking up. Wonder what kind of bad news she has this time. If Goyle has jammed his head in a door again...
Note to self: Get intelligent minions
Monday 21 June
Father did not come home tonight. Asked mother where he was. She sniffled and muttered something about "that damn sister of mine".
Father is an adulterer. Wonder if he is a paedophile as well?
Note to self: Sleep with door magically locked from now on.
Tuesday 22 June
Am depressed. Crabbe and Goyle expressing interest in each other. Pansy is becoming lesbian. Blaise is a trans. Father doesn’t want to commit incest. Mother is...mother. Am lonely. Will probably die alone. Oh Crabbie, how could you forsake me?
Note to self: Commit suicide.
Wednesday 23 June
Have realised: Millicent is single! God loves me, me, ME!!!! Voldemort has been eyeing me strangely, too...
Note to self: how does one ask Voldie out?
Friday 25 June
Mother is behaving strangely. I asked her if I could help her, and she turned around and said: "Hop down to the chemist and get me some tampons, would you love?"
Mother is going insane. I fear for her life.
Note to self: what are tampons?