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WOO. Tonight I made eggrolls. AND crab rangoons. It was bitchin' /awesome/. And they taste...well, chinese restaurant authentic, anyway. Which is more than good enough for me! So, for posterity, I'm writing up the ingredients and process.
YOU WILL NEED
1...package of shredded cabbage. I didn't use it all, so whatever size is probs good, you won't run out.
1 package shredded carrots (I am so lazy, goddamn. but cutting carrots lengthwise is hard and eggrolls taste better sans finger bits, yeah?)
1 package of eggroll wrappers. I did not make these myself, because again, lazy. But hear tell it's not too hard, if you want to go that route.
1 three chicken tenderloins. Had PLENTY of chicken, so one large chicken breast would probs do.
1 package of "crab" meat. If you actually read the package, it says in very GLaDOS terminology that it's technically "Surimi(tm), a pre-cooked fish-based protein substance" or something. Whatevs, tastes good.
1 egg (this is just to seal wrappers, so it doesn't matter what kind or anything)
1 package of cream cheese (8 oz, look I know a measurement)
A LOT of vegetable oil. You will be /frying/ this shit, after all.
SPICES! This is the fun part. You'll need the usual complement--minced garlic, onion powder, soy sauce, salt, sugar, pepper. BUT! This is very important. If you want this to taste eggrolly? GET SOMETHING CALLED "CHINESE FIVE SPICE POWDER". It's potent and smells amazing and I regret not having this in my spice drawer my entire life. Also, having some sesame oil on hand is not a bad idea, but not necessary.
WARNING! This is a time and space intensive undertaking! Also you will need like...every goddamn bowl and plate and pot you own. Just sayin.
1. Set the cream cheese out to soften. This should be done pretty early.
2. Thaw the chicken. While that happens, mix up all the veggies and some of all the spices mentioned in a big bowl. Shred in about half the crab meat.
3. Butterfly the chicken, and then flatten it further with a rolling pin (or, you know, a big glass cup, if you're ghetto. There's gonna be a lot of ghetto henceforth.) Treat lightly with onion powder and 5-spice and a bit of soy sauce, cook over low heat until done all the way through. Eggrolls fry up /fast/, so raw meat? no no no.
4. Set chicken aside, line pan with new coating of sesame oil (did I not mention that? oops.) Toss in veggie mixture and stir-fry a little bit, just until it's...eggroll filling texture. Back in the bowl it goes.
5. Is the cream cheese soft? put it in a bowl, shred in the rest of the crab, add in some soy sauce, a bit of sugar, some onion powder (or real chopped green onions, if you're not cheap) and a bit of the 5-spice (yeah I love it, shut up). Goosh all together, set aside.
6. NOW IS THE HARD PART. put an egg in a little bowl and whisk it, so you have something to seal the wrappers with. I think a water-flour mixture would also work? but I went with egg. I'm bold like that. Put like half one of those Wesson bottles of oil in a pan and let it begin to heat. I dropped little bits of egg in it to test if it was hot enough to fry on contact, because I don't know oil temperatures and whatnot. While this is happening, you'll want to make all of the eggrolls and rangoons. Yes all. Shit fries /fast/.
7. Ok so to make an eggroll shape? put the wrapper on your (DRY!) flat surface, like a diamond, not a square. I'm on a horse. Put like...a small palmful? of filling near the left corner. And some chicken. Then fold over, and roll a bit. Fold down the top and bottom, like a lil envelope. Then continue rolling towards the righthand flap, and then seal with egg. Voila!
LOOK AT THESE FUCKING EGGROLLS. YOU KNOW YOU WANT THIS SHIT.
8. Now for the rangoons. These I had no fucking clue how to make their shape, luckily it becomes kind of self-evident. I only made three giant ones. If you want to do it properly you'll need /wonton/ size wrappers, not eggroll size, but one package of wrappers is seriously plenty, I would be afuckingWASH in wontons. So I just made three huge ass ones, and that works for me. Spoon a big glob of stuff in the middle, and wet the corners with water (idk, I didn't use egg for this bit. Don't judge.) and then just kind of...twist together. It works. Ish.
Aww yeah cream cheese mixture
9. Now your oil should be hot. Don't do more than two eggrolls at a time, they're hard to herd in larger numbers. Keep turning it, and take it out before it looks dark enough, it will continue to brown! Mind ended up a bit darker than I wanted, but I'm paranoid about such things. You'll want to lay them out on something papery to drain, because eww oil. Now, if you're not too cheap/green to own paper towels, those probs work admirably. If you live in a household where every scrap of newspaper doesn't go to snake tanks, that's probably a decent second choice. However, if you're an innovative, clever badass, like me, you can use torn out chunks of brand new phone book, because shit bees why do they bring me one like once a cockblasting week? Idek. It would save the rainforest, like all of it, if they would just stop bringing me those. Not even everyone, just me. Merciful Dagon. Anyway yeah. It soaks up oil pretty well. Now wash rinse repeat with the rangoons.
OH AND JUST fyi don't use plastic shit to wrangle the eggrolls while they're frying. Because it will melt. I'm not idly speculating on this. I lost two good men that way. And a plastic serving spoon :c
I AM A GODDAMN GENIUS Ignore the gross discolouration of my cabinets' paint job, I swear it's not anything nasty spilled.
HOT DAMN, EGGROLLS Yeah, they were super dark, but they taste good still.
YOU ARE DONE. THROW THOSE FUCKERS ON A PLATE WITH SOME PLUM SAUCE AND HAVE A PARTY! I didn't even need soy sauce for them. This was seriously like the grand opus of my life. Some people illuminate a big bible, I made a fuck tonne of eggrolls. I'm coming out of this on top. You don't even know.
THE AFTERMATH. HOT.
YOU WILL NEED
1...package of shredded cabbage. I didn't use it all, so whatever size is probs good, you won't run out.
1 package shredded carrots (I am so lazy, goddamn. but cutting carrots lengthwise is hard and eggrolls taste better sans finger bits, yeah?)
1 package of eggroll wrappers. I did not make these myself, because again, lazy. But hear tell it's not too hard, if you want to go that route.
1 three chicken tenderloins. Had PLENTY of chicken, so one large chicken breast would probs do.
1 package of "crab" meat. If you actually read the package, it says in very GLaDOS terminology that it's technically "Surimi(tm), a pre-cooked fish-based protein substance" or something. Whatevs, tastes good.
1 egg (this is just to seal wrappers, so it doesn't matter what kind or anything)
1 package of cream cheese (8 oz, look I know a measurement)
A LOT of vegetable oil. You will be /frying/ this shit, after all.
SPICES! This is the fun part. You'll need the usual complement--minced garlic, onion powder, soy sauce, salt, sugar, pepper. BUT! This is very important. If you want this to taste eggrolly? GET SOMETHING CALLED "CHINESE FIVE SPICE POWDER". It's potent and smells amazing and I regret not having this in my spice drawer my entire life. Also, having some sesame oil on hand is not a bad idea, but not necessary.
WARNING! This is a time and space intensive undertaking! Also you will need like...every goddamn bowl and plate and pot you own. Just sayin.
1. Set the cream cheese out to soften. This should be done pretty early.
2. Thaw the chicken. While that happens, mix up all the veggies and some of all the spices mentioned in a big bowl. Shred in about half the crab meat.
3. Butterfly the chicken, and then flatten it further with a rolling pin (or, you know, a big glass cup, if you're ghetto. There's gonna be a lot of ghetto henceforth.) Treat lightly with onion powder and 5-spice and a bit of soy sauce, cook over low heat until done all the way through. Eggrolls fry up /fast/, so raw meat? no no no.
4. Set chicken aside, line pan with new coating of sesame oil (did I not mention that? oops.) Toss in veggie mixture and stir-fry a little bit, just until it's...eggroll filling texture. Back in the bowl it goes.
5. Is the cream cheese soft? put it in a bowl, shred in the rest of the crab, add in some soy sauce, a bit of sugar, some onion powder (or real chopped green onions, if you're not cheap) and a bit of the 5-spice (yeah I love it, shut up). Goosh all together, set aside.
6. NOW IS THE HARD PART. put an egg in a little bowl and whisk it, so you have something to seal the wrappers with. I think a water-flour mixture would also work? but I went with egg. I'm bold like that. Put like half one of those Wesson bottles of oil in a pan and let it begin to heat. I dropped little bits of egg in it to test if it was hot enough to fry on contact, because I don't know oil temperatures and whatnot. While this is happening, you'll want to make all of the eggrolls and rangoons. Yes all. Shit fries /fast/.
7. Ok so to make an eggroll shape? put the wrapper on your (DRY!) flat surface, like a diamond, not a square. I'm on a horse. Put like...a small palmful? of filling near the left corner. And some chicken. Then fold over, and roll a bit. Fold down the top and bottom, like a lil envelope. Then continue rolling towards the righthand flap, and then seal with egg. Voila!
LOOK AT THESE FUCKING EGGROLLS. YOU KNOW YOU WANT THIS SHIT.
8. Now for the rangoons. These I had no fucking clue how to make their shape, luckily it becomes kind of self-evident. I only made three giant ones. If you want to do it properly you'll need /wonton/ size wrappers, not eggroll size, but one package of wrappers is seriously plenty, I would be afuckingWASH in wontons. So I just made three huge ass ones, and that works for me. Spoon a big glob of stuff in the middle, and wet the corners with water (idk, I didn't use egg for this bit. Don't judge.) and then just kind of...twist together. It works. Ish.
Aww yeah cream cheese mixture
9. Now your oil should be hot. Don't do more than two eggrolls at a time, they're hard to herd in larger numbers. Keep turning it, and take it out before it looks dark enough, it will continue to brown! Mind ended up a bit darker than I wanted, but I'm paranoid about such things. You'll want to lay them out on something papery to drain, because eww oil. Now, if you're not too cheap/green to own paper towels, those probs work admirably. If you live in a household where every scrap of newspaper doesn't go to snake tanks, that's probably a decent second choice. However, if you're an innovative, clever badass, like me, you can use torn out chunks of brand new phone book, because shit bees why do they bring me one like once a cockblasting week? Idek. It would save the rainforest, like all of it, if they would just stop bringing me those. Not even everyone, just me. Merciful Dagon. Anyway yeah. It soaks up oil pretty well. Now wash rinse repeat with the rangoons.
OH AND JUST fyi don't use plastic shit to wrangle the eggrolls while they're frying. Because it will melt. I'm not idly speculating on this. I lost two good men that way. And a plastic serving spoon :c
I AM A GODDAMN GENIUS Ignore the gross discolouration of my cabinets' paint job, I swear it's not anything nasty spilled.
HOT DAMN, EGGROLLS Yeah, they were super dark, but they taste good still.
YOU ARE DONE. THROW THOSE FUCKERS ON A PLATE WITH SOME PLUM SAUCE AND HAVE A PARTY! I didn't even need soy sauce for them. This was seriously like the grand opus of my life. Some people illuminate a big bible, I made a fuck tonne of eggrolls. I'm coming out of this on top. You don't even know.
THE AFTERMATH. HOT.