vent
first time ive been home in over a week. im wishing i didnt come home now. i have a better chance of happiness living in a gutter.
i went to visit my cousin, whom i havent seen in AGES. and when i get home i jump online and i get:
- &i have a lip ring sherylbaby* // just keeps getting b e t t e r ;; says:
"what did you talk about ?" "what did she bring you ?" "she sells drugs sheryl"
- &i have a lip ring sherylbaby* // just keeps getting b e t t e r ;; says:
psh my rents dont like you love lol
i am so sick and tired of this shit. everyone assuming CRAP cause of my mother. funny enough, im not stupid enough to SELL the shit. just stupid enough to TAKE it.
im sorry to say, but im over people scruitinizing me and thinking they know me just because of what my mother has said. and if they choose to believe what my mother has said instead of finding out for themselves, then they can go fuck themselves...whoever the fuck they are. i dont care if its family, or friends, or strangers. i am truely sick of it.
ive lost more than half of my friends cause of what my mother has said to them and i dont think i can put up with it anymore. i dont think i can take this.
YEARS of depression. im breaking. so slowly. and day after day, i try to piece myself back together. but everytime i break, i loose a part of me. i feel that if i dont get out of here soon, one day, im going to break and find that there are no more pieces to glue together.
im probably going to snap and go on some major killing frenzy and all who's going to be left is me and sheryl.
i had to put up with my mother by myself on the trip home from my cousins. she told me elesio came knocking on my door last week while i wasnt home and that she "had a talk with him...explains why he wont return my calls or messages anymore. and all the has to say is that she "told him the truth about me"
im like WTF?! are you fucking SERIOUS?! i dont KNOW elesio. elesio doesnt KNOW me! we are aqquaintances who go out for drinks when we cant take life at home anymore and talk about fucking politics! POLITICS! fuck. i dont even know how old he is! or if he's got any siblings, or who his friends are. and he knows NOTHING about me. how DARE she fuck that up for me. how DARE she think she can controll what i have.
funny enough, elesio knows more about me than my mother does! my mother would know the LAST thing about me! she just assumes everything and doesnt even take into consideration to maybe research what she assumes. im not even home long enough for her to assume anything and when i am home, i sleep during the day and am on the net during the night. where the fuck is she pulling all this shit from?!
but she doesnt think that maybe, ive changed a little bit. ive got new friends (who have fucked off now thanx to her) and that i work. i pay for my own dirty smoking habit out of my own pocket...i dont go out partying as much. fuck! im not even having sex anymore!
im not in a good place right now.
my situation is so far beyond just "having a talk" a talk with her. and quite honestly...the only reason im still here is cause its easier to save to leave.
and if i leave. i wont be coming back again.
thats why im so scared of going overseas for a holiday. im scared to even go visit my family in romania for christmas!
i just feel that, if i go overseas, i'll find something. i'll find something worth staying for and i'll never come back. ever. i'd find a job there, buy a house. and never come back.
*sigh*