Review
Recap of the last few months:
I made best friends and shared secrets with them. We were inseparable. One of them broke up with their boyfriend on my prodding. She seemed unhappy, and I felt it best for her to move on. I was unaware that I would end up playing the part of the rebound.
I was snatched from the air and played with for a bit. She, being my best friend and now physically involved,
stole something from me. A bit of my dignity. A bit of my heart. She just wanted to have fun. Intentions on her part were that of complete remorseless fun. I knew better going into it. This knowing made the times we were together fitful. I'm prone to lapses in happiness as it is, and her playing about with me for pleasure to fill her ever dead eyes didn't help. Her eyes, in the moments of what in other situations would be called passion, frightened me. Without life. Without love. It was in those moments that I knew things would never work out. That was a positive.
Winter break came. I was by myself and drank a lot less than I thought I would. I slept during the days and had fitful nights. All manner of thoughts that weren't helpful. On some evenings, I would be full of the kind of unwarranted hope that I've only heard about in religious situations and the most sickening of sappy love stories. This was crushed by a profound wave of reality. Back and forth.
School starts. I'm left without any good friends. They entire group began before they started hanging out with me. And my roommate and her roommate started dating. They were the other two in our little tight friendship circle. The ones who worked out a bit better.
Fast forward a bit and I have one or two people that I talk to. The one I hang out with most has a crush on me. I can't reciprocate. I'm stuck with thoughts. I also don't want to lose more friends over lust.
I see the gal I'm hung up with hanging out with her ex. I know this will end badly for him as he is even worse off than me. I tell the girl and some of her friends to watch themselves around him. They all tell me that it is none of my business and that she knows what she is doing. She doesn't. I see him on the verge of tears a few days later and do my part to console him.
That's a bit fucked up. "Hey man, I can really feel your pain. I know just how you feel. Like, near exact."
Gross.
Essentially, I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I feel disgusted every time I see this girl. Her friends are super awkward around me now. There have been times where I've silenced a room by walking into it when they are there. My room. No relaxation before work, I guess.
I've never wanted to have never met someone more than this girl. I won't say my life would be better, but I would probably had a lot less drama in my life. I'd also probably not have had a one night stand to try and get over her. Who am I? Shit.
I made best friends and shared secrets with them. We were inseparable. One of them broke up with their boyfriend on my prodding. She seemed unhappy, and I felt it best for her to move on. I was unaware that I would end up playing the part of the rebound.
I was snatched from the air and played with for a bit. She, being my best friend and now physically involved,
stole something from me. A bit of my dignity. A bit of my heart. She just wanted to have fun. Intentions on her part were that of complete remorseless fun. I knew better going into it. This knowing made the times we were together fitful. I'm prone to lapses in happiness as it is, and her playing about with me for pleasure to fill her ever dead eyes didn't help. Her eyes, in the moments of what in other situations would be called passion, frightened me. Without life. Without love. It was in those moments that I knew things would never work out. That was a positive.
Winter break came. I was by myself and drank a lot less than I thought I would. I slept during the days and had fitful nights. All manner of thoughts that weren't helpful. On some evenings, I would be full of the kind of unwarranted hope that I've only heard about in religious situations and the most sickening of sappy love stories. This was crushed by a profound wave of reality. Back and forth.
School starts. I'm left without any good friends. They entire group began before they started hanging out with me. And my roommate and her roommate started dating. They were the other two in our little tight friendship circle. The ones who worked out a bit better.
Fast forward a bit and I have one or two people that I talk to. The one I hang out with most has a crush on me. I can't reciprocate. I'm stuck with thoughts. I also don't want to lose more friends over lust.
I see the gal I'm hung up with hanging out with her ex. I know this will end badly for him as he is even worse off than me. I tell the girl and some of her friends to watch themselves around him. They all tell me that it is none of my business and that she knows what she is doing. She doesn't. I see him on the verge of tears a few days later and do my part to console him.
That's a bit fucked up. "Hey man, I can really feel your pain. I know just how you feel. Like, near exact."
Gross.
Essentially, I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I feel disgusted every time I see this girl. Her friends are super awkward around me now. There have been times where I've silenced a room by walking into it when they are there. My room. No relaxation before work, I guess.
I've never wanted to have never met someone more than this girl. I won't say my life would be better, but I would probably had a lot less drama in my life. I'd also probably not have had a one night stand to try and get over her. Who am I? Shit.