An Ode to Ninja!Jan and SpiderMax
Ninja!Jan and SpiderMax make a bet. A sex bet.
I blame TrinityScar.
It was just before dawn. The air was cool around the emergency stairwell where Ninja!Jan had hidden himself. A strong wind blew from the north, whipping between the buildings and pressing Ninja!Jan’s clothing hard against his body. His target hadn’t come by at any time during the night, making the whole thing a waste. Ninja!Jan was not pleased. He was cold and he hadn’t done what he wanted to do, and now he looked like a fool hiding in the shadows. Thank goodness he had no enemies who might choose to sneak up on him in that miserable moment.
“Now isn’t it a little cold for a ninja to be out?” a strangely accented voice whispered in Ninja!Jan’s ear.
He did have eccentric friends, though.
“Aren’t you a little far from home, spider?” Ninja!Jan returned easily. He knew this guy, knew him well.
“No more than you,” the spider answered, moving to Ninja!Jan’s side. He was a tall man with a lean face and fervent brown eyes. Exuding a strong, penetrating energy, he disturbed many people on a visceral level. Good. The spider could be very, very dangerous. He didn’t have any bright colors or angry markings to warn people of his venom: it was all in his face. Ninja!Jan wouldn’t have liked being recognized so easily. But then, the spider would always be a spider, while Ninja!Jan had the option of ripping his mask off and becoming just another blonde in the crowd. “Or are you living in Lüneburg now?”
“I have friends here.”
“Do you?”
“No less’n you.”
“Right, right.” The spider grinned, sitting on his hands. He bounced his legs up and down, light glittering off his costume, pure black with raised red designs. It reminded Ninja!Jan of a black widow. “So, my adorable ninja, I have a proposition for you. A competition, if you will.”
“Why?” Ninja!Jan asked guardedly.
“I’m bored.”
Ninja!Jan scoffed. Bored, yeah, right. SpiderMax was probably bored, but there had to be something else he was going to get out of this.
“I am. You look like you could use a distraction, in any case. Did your little operation fail tonight?”
Ignoring SpiderMax, Ninja!Jan pressed a finger under his hood and scratched his forehead.
“What kind of proposition?”
SpiderMax’s grin widened to inhuman proportions.
“Sex.”
ØØØ
Bitten at the tender age of thirteen by the elusive creeper spider, Portia stalkerifica, Max Böhlen has all the powers of both man and spider. He can open doors and spin webs, walk down the street and climb the sides of buildings.
Trained in the mysteries of the secretive German brotherhood of ninjas, Jan Werner is a fearsome opponent.
When these two first met, a strange friendship was born.
ØØØ
“Me and you?”
“I said a competition, mate. What kind of competition would sex be?”
Ninja!Jan could think of quite a lot of competitions involving the two of them and a bed- or not a bed, depending.
“No, I want something a little harder. Say, a competition to see who can dance the most horizontal tango in a week.”
“What?” Sometimes SpiderMax’s metaphors were stupid. Nobody said “horizontal tango” anymore.
“Jan, please. You sex up people; I sex up people. We meet up in a week and see who’s racked up the most.”
Ninja!Jan paused to think about it.
“It has to be people I know,” he said. Seeing the look on SpiderMax’s face, he added, “And no family members. Judith’s still traumatized from the last time you tried to hit on her. She wanted to revoke Anna-Sophie’s friend privileges just to get away from you.”
“I did not try to hit on her, I did. Your sister simply did not appreciate my advances.”
“Either way, no family.”
ØØØ
Ninja!Jan was skulking the roof of the local Deutsche Bank. It was just before sundown, the shadows long and plenty. His getup was perfect, full black and showing only a strip around his eyes.
He sighted his target, also black-clad, walking slowly down the street. Ninja!Jan crouched down, though he knew he wouldn’t be seen. He was far too careful for that.
“Hi, David!” he said, throwing his arms around the guitarist, all ninja-cool lost. Ninja!Jan was cool, but David didn’t need to know how ninja-cool he was.
David smiled confusedly, brushing his tangled, black hair away from his face.
Then Ninja!Jan surprised him with some mouth-on-mouth, because that was the real reason for this outing.
David- well, David responded enthusiastically.
ØØØ
Timo was simultaneously a concussion and a kick in the balls. Friends for how long and the rapper acted like this was blasphemy. Goddamn. Maybe SpiderMax should tell him David had already given in. David was a little slut.
“David’s a slut,” was what came out of SpiderMax’s mouth.
An elbow to the gut was Timo’s answer. SpiderMax wheezed but kept mostly upright.
“Just a little one,” he added. “All I meant was he already gave in; can’t you?” Timo glared. But SpiderMax would prevail. SpiderMax always prevailed.
At least he knew Ninja!Jan’d be going through the same trouble.
ØØØ
Ninja!Jan was having the time of his life, thanks so much. Frank was easy. All Ninja!Jan did was say, “Frank, you wanna-” and Frank finished the sentence with something much more inventive than Ninja!Jan would ever have expected from the singer, batting his crazily blue eyes all the while.
He flopped back on the pillows, breathing loud and labored. Fuck.
“Wanna go again?”
He was also a sex maniac.
ØØØ
Juri told him no, flat out. Then he told SpiderMax to get the fuck out of his face before he turned it permanently concave, you creepy bastard.
So SpiderMax gathered up his web and scuttled on out of there. He probably shouldn’t have waited in the corner of Juri’s wall for an hour before asking. The ten minute staring contest after Juri discovered him had kind of killed the mood.
ØØØ
Linke had always been unpredictable, but this was ridiculous.
“You won’t?” Ninja!Jan asked again. Linke was the most sexually open of all his friends, except for maybe SpiderMax, and yet he was denying himself free sex. Ninja!Jan peered at Linke closely. He must have been replaced by a Linkebot.
“Nope. It’s only fair. SpiderMax isn’t getting any from Juri; you’re not getting any from me.”
Ninja!Jan huffed, blowing a stand of blonde hair out of his face. Linke had a strange sense of justice.
“You’re a terrible friend.”
“Duly noted.” Linke grinned wolfishly. Asshole. At least Ninja!Jan still had Juri.
If SpiderMax hadn’t traumatized him already.
ØØØ
“That’s four to your three,” Ninja!Jan stated gleefully. He stuck his hand out for his promised winnings, delighted at the idea of a pocketful of easily won Euros. Sex and money? Hell, Ninja!Jan should’ve been a prostitute or maybe even a pimp. Either would be fine by him. “I win.”
“No,” Frank said, rounding the corner with his arms around Linke and Juri’s waists, unfazed by the height difference, which wasn’t a surprise. Frank wasn’t fazed by anything, just confused. Now Linke and Juri weren’t exactly known for maintaining their perfect hairdos, but they also weren’t the type to rock David-style tangled mops, which they were, along with some very blissed out faces. Ninja!Jan’s face fell a little. “I do.”
Linke smirked at SpiderMax and Ninja!Jan’s slack jaws.
“Linke, my love, why have you forsaken me?” SpiderMax asked, scrambling up to grip the guitarist’s shirt in both hands, his face a mask of despair.
“Shut up, SpiderMax. You just spent a week fucking some of my best friends.”
“He did,” Ninja!Jan agreed in fake solemnity.
“Let’s see: Timo, David, these two, you and him, and myself, of course. That’s seven.” Frank smiled. It was a beautifully triumphant smile.
“Well, bugger,” SpiderMax said.
“Shit,” Ninja!Jan agreed.
And that’s how Frank got the money for his new pair of pants. Sadly, SpiderMax and Ninja!Jan hadn’t bet all that much, so they weren’t the nicest pair of pants but still. They were new, and they were free. And Frank was happy.
The End
I blame TrinityScar.
It was just before dawn. The air was cool around the emergency stairwell where Ninja!Jan had hidden himself. A strong wind blew from the north, whipping between the buildings and pressing Ninja!Jan’s clothing hard against his body. His target hadn’t come by at any time during the night, making the whole thing a waste. Ninja!Jan was not pleased. He was cold and he hadn’t done what he wanted to do, and now he looked like a fool hiding in the shadows. Thank goodness he had no enemies who might choose to sneak up on him in that miserable moment.
“Now isn’t it a little cold for a ninja to be out?” a strangely accented voice whispered in Ninja!Jan’s ear.
He did have eccentric friends, though.
“Aren’t you a little far from home, spider?” Ninja!Jan returned easily. He knew this guy, knew him well.
“No more than you,” the spider answered, moving to Ninja!Jan’s side. He was a tall man with a lean face and fervent brown eyes. Exuding a strong, penetrating energy, he disturbed many people on a visceral level. Good. The spider could be very, very dangerous. He didn’t have any bright colors or angry markings to warn people of his venom: it was all in his face. Ninja!Jan wouldn’t have liked being recognized so easily. But then, the spider would always be a spider, while Ninja!Jan had the option of ripping his mask off and becoming just another blonde in the crowd. “Or are you living in Lüneburg now?”
“I have friends here.”
“Do you?”
“No less’n you.”
“Right, right.” The spider grinned, sitting on his hands. He bounced his legs up and down, light glittering off his costume, pure black with raised red designs. It reminded Ninja!Jan of a black widow. “So, my adorable ninja, I have a proposition for you. A competition, if you will.”
“Why?” Ninja!Jan asked guardedly.
“I’m bored.”
Ninja!Jan scoffed. Bored, yeah, right. SpiderMax was probably bored, but there had to be something else he was going to get out of this.
“I am. You look like you could use a distraction, in any case. Did your little operation fail tonight?”
Ignoring SpiderMax, Ninja!Jan pressed a finger under his hood and scratched his forehead.
“What kind of proposition?”
SpiderMax’s grin widened to inhuman proportions.
“Sex.”
ØØØ
Bitten at the tender age of thirteen by the elusive creeper spider, Portia stalkerifica, Max Böhlen has all the powers of both man and spider. He can open doors and spin webs, walk down the street and climb the sides of buildings.
Trained in the mysteries of the secretive German brotherhood of ninjas, Jan Werner is a fearsome opponent.
When these two first met, a strange friendship was born.
ØØØ
“Me and you?”
“I said a competition, mate. What kind of competition would sex be?”
Ninja!Jan could think of quite a lot of competitions involving the two of them and a bed- or not a bed, depending.
“No, I want something a little harder. Say, a competition to see who can dance the most horizontal tango in a week.”
“What?” Sometimes SpiderMax’s metaphors were stupid. Nobody said “horizontal tango” anymore.
“Jan, please. You sex up people; I sex up people. We meet up in a week and see who’s racked up the most.”
Ninja!Jan paused to think about it.
“It has to be people I know,” he said. Seeing the look on SpiderMax’s face, he added, “And no family members. Judith’s still traumatized from the last time you tried to hit on her. She wanted to revoke Anna-Sophie’s friend privileges just to get away from you.”
“I did not try to hit on her, I did. Your sister simply did not appreciate my advances.”
“Either way, no family.”
ØØØ
Ninja!Jan was skulking the roof of the local Deutsche Bank. It was just before sundown, the shadows long and plenty. His getup was perfect, full black and showing only a strip around his eyes.
He sighted his target, also black-clad, walking slowly down the street. Ninja!Jan crouched down, though he knew he wouldn’t be seen. He was far too careful for that.
“Hi, David!” he said, throwing his arms around the guitarist, all ninja-cool lost. Ninja!Jan was cool, but David didn’t need to know how ninja-cool he was.
David smiled confusedly, brushing his tangled, black hair away from his face.
Then Ninja!Jan surprised him with some mouth-on-mouth, because that was the real reason for this outing.
David- well, David responded enthusiastically.
ØØØ
Timo was simultaneously a concussion and a kick in the balls. Friends for how long and the rapper acted like this was blasphemy. Goddamn. Maybe SpiderMax should tell him David had already given in. David was a little slut.
“David’s a slut,” was what came out of SpiderMax’s mouth.
An elbow to the gut was Timo’s answer. SpiderMax wheezed but kept mostly upright.
“Just a little one,” he added. “All I meant was he already gave in; can’t you?” Timo glared. But SpiderMax would prevail. SpiderMax always prevailed.
At least he knew Ninja!Jan’d be going through the same trouble.
ØØØ
Ninja!Jan was having the time of his life, thanks so much. Frank was easy. All Ninja!Jan did was say, “Frank, you wanna-” and Frank finished the sentence with something much more inventive than Ninja!Jan would ever have expected from the singer, batting his crazily blue eyes all the while.
He flopped back on the pillows, breathing loud and labored. Fuck.
“Wanna go again?”
He was also a sex maniac.
ØØØ
Juri told him no, flat out. Then he told SpiderMax to get the fuck out of his face before he turned it permanently concave, you creepy bastard.
So SpiderMax gathered up his web and scuttled on out of there. He probably shouldn’t have waited in the corner of Juri’s wall for an hour before asking. The ten minute staring contest after Juri discovered him had kind of killed the mood.
ØØØ
Linke had always been unpredictable, but this was ridiculous.
“You won’t?” Ninja!Jan asked again. Linke was the most sexually open of all his friends, except for maybe SpiderMax, and yet he was denying himself free sex. Ninja!Jan peered at Linke closely. He must have been replaced by a Linkebot.
“Nope. It’s only fair. SpiderMax isn’t getting any from Juri; you’re not getting any from me.”
Ninja!Jan huffed, blowing a stand of blonde hair out of his face. Linke had a strange sense of justice.
“You’re a terrible friend.”
“Duly noted.” Linke grinned wolfishly. Asshole. At least Ninja!Jan still had Juri.
If SpiderMax hadn’t traumatized him already.
ØØØ
“That’s four to your three,” Ninja!Jan stated gleefully. He stuck his hand out for his promised winnings, delighted at the idea of a pocketful of easily won Euros. Sex and money? Hell, Ninja!Jan should’ve been a prostitute or maybe even a pimp. Either would be fine by him. “I win.”
“No,” Frank said, rounding the corner with his arms around Linke and Juri’s waists, unfazed by the height difference, which wasn’t a surprise. Frank wasn’t fazed by anything, just confused. Now Linke and Juri weren’t exactly known for maintaining their perfect hairdos, but they also weren’t the type to rock David-style tangled mops, which they were, along with some very blissed out faces. Ninja!Jan’s face fell a little. “I do.”
Linke smirked at SpiderMax and Ninja!Jan’s slack jaws.
“Linke, my love, why have you forsaken me?” SpiderMax asked, scrambling up to grip the guitarist’s shirt in both hands, his face a mask of despair.
“Shut up, SpiderMax. You just spent a week fucking some of my best friends.”
“He did,” Ninja!Jan agreed in fake solemnity.
“Let’s see: Timo, David, these two, you and him, and myself, of course. That’s seven.” Frank smiled. It was a beautifully triumphant smile.
“Well, bugger,” SpiderMax said.
“Shit,” Ninja!Jan agreed.
And that’s how Frank got the money for his new pair of pants. Sadly, SpiderMax and Ninja!Jan hadn’t bet all that much, so they weren’t the nicest pair of pants but still. They were new, and they were free. And Frank was happy.
The End