Life How you Vex Me.
I'm not usually big on talking about myself or my issues but I've bwen a wee bit out of sorts lately and I think I need to get this off my chest before I cause Josh some serious irreversible mental damage. The funny thing is nothing has really happened to me directly but rather to the people I care most about in my life. I dont' even know where to start, but I guess the thing thath appened first would be good.
Someone broke into my oldest sisters house, while she and her son were inside. Claudia has always been very laid back and accepting of things (A true believer in the 'Everything happens as it's meant to happen' philopshy) and it's just insane to see how utterly this has chanegd her. She doesn't sleep at night, she barely lets her son out of her sight now, and she's had her husband spend a crazy amount of money on a new security system for the hosue. I don't know when, or if, she'll be the same Claudia she was before but I know I want to kill the person who has put so much fear into my sister's life. She's the sweetest, msot kind, most gentle person I know and is the last person in te world to be victimized like this. I feel so useless to help her or ease her worries, but I'm getting oddly used to being useless. (Could I possibly sound anymore emo today?)
Alex called me last night to let me know he's starting a 'What's going to kill me first' pool. My options were a shot liver thanks to the Hep-C that he was diagnoised with this summer, the steadily degrading immune system, something else the doctors have yet to discover, guilt over ruining Wil's life, or All of the above in tandem. I just offered my usual half-laugh half-God-I-Wish-This-Was-Over-Sigh. He's been back in the hospital for two weeks now and no one knows when he's getting out. My best friend in the world, this guy that I was in love with (Or at least in love with the idea of) since I was fifteen, is already starting to seriously plan his funeral. Wil says he's being overdramamtic and that he will probably outlive us all just because he's Alex and that's what he does, but I think Alex is just giving up now. When I first me him he was all energy and these amazing stories and insanity and he just pulled you in and made you want to be like him but now it's just self-mocking jokes, silence, and crying on his end.
I had never hear Alex cry until this summer and I can't get the sound out of my head. I know that me being so preoccupied with Alex is driving Josh crazy but he's being so good about it and acting like it doesn't bother him. He's with out a doubt the best boyfriend ever, except maybe for Wil. Wil is there everynight and Alex wakes up he's there, waiting, by his bed. He acts like everything is fine and doesn't even let Alex mention what may or may not happen in his presence, but Alex says he can see how tired Wil is getting. Four years together and other than the first year it's all been a blur of medication, hospital trips, and more bad news. Alex wants Wil to leave him and has started deliberatly picking fights, but Wil just ignores it. I don't know I could do the same for Josh; I think it'd hurt too much.
I haven't been to visit Alex in a week. I suck as a friend.
Alex isn't really too worried about himself though. Rochelle miscarried her first baby about three weeks ago and he's been in a bad mood ever since the doctors told him there was no way they were letting him go to Pittsburgh in his condition. He raged about 'dying' not being a conditioned and then cried more. Rochelle seems to be fine sometimes but sometimes I can hear how sad and tired she is in her voice. She told me she's starting to pull away from Kevin and goes to bed and cries everytime she sees someone with a baby and she doesn't know what to do next. What can I say, silly gay boy from Colorado who will never have even a similar problem that I am, to her to help?
Fuck, what can I do or say about anything. My biggest problem is whether I'll watcher Supernatural or CSI on Thursday and everyone around me is falling apart, giving up, or wanting to die and everyone is looking to me for a shoulder to cry on and I just want to tell them all to leave me alone for a little bit so that I can have a second to just breathe. I can't though, because what the hell right do I have to complain?
As Rochelle likes to say, I suck at the Life hardcore.
God, I feel so Emo. I'm going back to bed.