merlin - the sword in the stone part one
They really crammed a lot into this rapid-paced episode so this is (again) longer.
In a land of myth and a time of…Beltane? It’s time for the feast of Beltane? \o/ Merlin is putting the finishing touches on Arthur’s outfit for the feast, and is apparently taking far too long getting everything just right to make the king look king-ly (hee, his cute little pronunciation!) and Arthur, from behind the screen and cleaning out his ears by candlelight, doesn’t think he’s going to look kingly in his undergarments. Oh, Arthur, don’t sell yourself so short. You must know that all those handsome knights the maidens coo over on tapestries have been embroiderly enhanced and you cannot possibly live up to such unrealistic expectations (unless your name is Lancelot, naturally.)
Merlin asks for a little patience and advises Arthur to think of something pleasant to pass the time. “You in the stocks?” Arthur suggests, and, well, that would certainly help ME pass the time. When Arthur doesn’t get a rise out of Merlin, however, he grows suspicious and leaves the privacy of his screen to investigate and sees Merlin trying to hide something behind his back.
“What have you got there?” Arthur asks in a low voice as he PROWLS towards Merlin. We change to a wider shot so we can see that Arthur is currently pantsless. Hee, pantsless has definitely been the new shirtless this season. Nice legs, Arthur. Merlin feigns innocence, so Arthur forcefully grabs Merlin’s shoulders and turns him around right in front of the table and if this isn’t setting us up for the moment when Arthur FINALLY bends him over it, I will cry.
*cries* Arthur grabs whatever it is Merlin was hiding. It’s a belt and dagger. Arthur wants to know why Merlin was putting another hole in his belt. “I was enhancing it for comfort and ease of use.” Dear god, how on earth did he make that sound so hot? And OF COURSE Merlin isn’t saying that Arthur is fat, he’s saying that “the belt is one hole shy of perfection.” Ahahahaha! I am so using that line in everyday life from now on. Refusing to acknowledge the need for an extra hole Arthur tries the belt on. As he huffs and puffs and is pulling as many facial contortions as possible, I would like to point out that the subtitles at this moment read, “BELT CREAKS” because that cracked me up.
Merlin tries to reassure Arthur that a little extra padding is to be expected what with all the extra feasts, banquets and ceremonies a king must attend. And I think the offer to help him work a bit of it off each night is implied. Arthur admits defeat and hands the belt back over, stressing that Merlin cannot say a word about it to anyone. “Trust me,” Merlin says,”If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s keeping secrets.” Yeah, that old chestnut.
Meanwhile, Agravaine is up to no good around the castle. A bit of pyrotechnics takes care of some random red-capes and then he’s off to signal someone in the surrounding forest via some waving torch action. The torch in the trees waves back. I could be wrong, but I think it might be this guy:
Arthur has arrived for the feast and sees that Agravaine is missing. Gaius hasn’t seen him since that morning apparently, but any concern Arthur may have about his uncle’s whereabouts is put aside as he takes a seat and Merlin enters with a tray of delicious flavour. It’s Arthur’s favourite - herb-crusted capon. OH I SEE. Cross those legs, knights. Now that we know that Arthur’s tastes run towards the castrated, I’d be very worried.
And perhaps to exact revenge on behalf of the poor boy chicken who gave up his sexuality (and eventually his life) for Arthur’s gastronomic enjoyment, Merlin jovially says, “Easy now, we don’t want any more holes in that belt!” Ahahahaha! Percival’s spit take! Ahahahaha! Merlin is absolutely delighted with himself as he pours the wine. Arthur is laughing the laugh that means, “I am going to kill you slowly and painfully,” and it is all very amusing. Even Gaius, seated next to Arthur, is entertained. Arthur beckon’s Merlin’s face down until it is an inch away from his own and gets his threatening voice on. “It’s a good job you don’t have anything of any actual importance to keep secret, isn’t it?” Oh, we’re trotting out the joke again? Fair enough.
Agravaine, missing out on all the fun at Arthur’s expense, opens the doors to the siege tunnels and welcomes in an army of bad guys. Um, if Agravaine was just going to greet them all and lead them into the castle, why did Morgana and Helios need the plans at all?
Back at the feast of Beltane, the subtitles tell us that there is “LAUGHTER AND CHATTER” as everyone gets their drink on and Percival hits on a beautiful young lady seated next to him. WAIT A MINUTE! When did they let chicks into Camelot?
Percival: Good evening, my lady. The name’s Percival, but my friends call me Sir Loin, if you know what I mean.
Lone Woman of Camelot: *sigh* You are handsome and I am hoping proportionally sized everywhere, good Sir, but I’m afraid it cannot be for my father has seen fit to secure my maidenhood with…*clangs as she sits*
Percival: Fear not! Sir Elyan has mad blacksmith skillz and is always ready to help a mate find a scabbard for his sword. Best. Beltane. Ever.
Lone Woman of Camelot: Tee hee.
Arthur: FOREVER ALONE.
Merlin: You okay, bb?
Arthur: NO! YOU CALLED ME FAT AND HURT MY FEELINGS.
Merlin: My bad.
Arthur: *brood, brood, broody brood*
Merlin: “It’s Gwen, isn’t it?”
Me: GASP! WAY TO MENTION HER NAME AGAIN AND GET YOURSELF BANISHED, MERLIN.
Arthur: “I look for her in the room, she’s not there. Then I remember why.”
Me and Merlin: Awwwww.
Arthur: *drowns his sorrows*
To be honest, it’s almost a welcome relief to cross back to Team Evil and watch more random redcapes get their necks broken. The cloaked bad guys douse the lower town with fuel and then Agravaine lights it with his dropped torch. He gets his own slow-mo moment as he walks towards the camera, smirking as the flames roar behind him. On the edge of the forest, Morgana and Helios watch with the rest of their army. “It’s time,” she says. Time to roll the opening titles.
When we return, the fire has taken hold and the people are running around in a panic. Leon and Elyan, who must be on duty and therefore not invited to the party, are trying to help organise an orderly queue to the well until Leon sees the army of bad guys headed their way. He sends Elyan off to sound the alarm and faces the oncoming death himself. Because that’s what my Sir Vivor does, yo.
The bells sound and Gwaine interrupts the feast with a bit of an overacted warning that the city walls have been breached. He’s probably just upset that he wasn’t invited to the party, either. Why is Percival the only one with an RDO? Arthur leaps into action immediately and you have to think that if Morgana was smart, she would have waited a bit longer until everyone was absolutely pissed. Arthur instructs Merlin to take everyone to the inner chamber, Gwaine to secure the amoury, and Percival to follow him. Yeah, because now we all know Percival’s your favourite.
Elyan, having sounded the alarm, is walking down a hallway when he runs right into Agravaine and some henchmen coming from the other direction. Realising that Agravaine is the traitor, he draws his sword. Agravaine, kind of hot when he’s all arrogant, moves to kill him but suddenly Elyan is flying back through the air. I am so fucking sick of this spell. The men part to reveal Morgana. “We don’t have time to play soldiers, Agravaine,” she says. Aaaaaaand, Agravaine is back to being utterly emasculated. Heh. They all walk past Elyan, who is hopefully just unconscious on the floor.
In other areas of the castle, Arthur and Percival lead some men through the corridors, a whole lotta bad guys ride into the courtyard, and Merlin helps Gaius set up yet another emergency hospital. Merlin tells Gaius that the lower town is already lost and it won’t be long until they enter the citadel. In other words: they’re so unbelievably fucked. Gaius wants to know how they became so unbelievably fucked and Merlin thinks the responsibility lies with Agravaine.
Merlin races out to find his man, who is currently slashing (and not in the fun sense) his way through a castle full of enemies. There’s slow-mo and artistic frame rate shifts going on everywhere, as Helios gets some knight-slaying action outside. He’s kind of badass and awesome but he is heading towards Leon and therefore I must wish him dead. Leon realises things are pretty grim so orders a retreat to get the surviving people to safety in the woods.
Meanwhile, Arthur is still all RAWR and sticking people with his sword…until someone manages to stick him. Seeing this is enough to make Merlin break out of his slow-mo and pull Arthur around a corner. “Been hiding in a broom cupboard as usual, Merlin?” Now is not the time for closet jokes, Arthur. Merlin response is to shove Arthur down a corridor so he can put a quick spell on the torches in front of the oncoming bad guys and hold them off via flame action. In reality, it’s only at head height so they could totally just duck under the flames and continue on their way, but they don’t seem to realise this, so Arthur and Merlin have time to make their escape.
They take a break from running and Arthur admits he might have a broken rib or two from the fight. Then he sees Morgana and Helios leading their army past and the rib is the least of his worries. His eyes are impossibly blue in this light. Then he spots Agravaine joining Morgana and those blue eyes widen and fill with sadness and it’s pretty clear Arthur needs a hug right now, broken ribs aside. He slumps for a moment, making Merlin look so tall beside him, but then gathers himself and moves to go right out there and run Agravaine through. Merlin stops him from running headlong into an entire army and promises that they can deal with his uncle later. I like the use of ‘we’, and also the decent amount of touching going on already in this episode.
Leon herds the people into the woods like a good scruffy sheepdog and looks back to see Camelot burning. Stay safe, Leon! I don’t much feel like testing your immortality this year.
Inside Camelot, Morgana is sitting on the throne, as casual as can be, when Helios enters to let her know that the city has fallen and Camelot is theirs. Yes, we kind of gathered that, given that Morgana is sitting on the fucking throne, mate. “And?” Morgana asks. She doesn’t just want a pretty chair and an entire kingdom, because that’s the easy part. She also wants Arthur. Get in line, Morgana.
Morgana asks Helios where Arthur is. “He’s right here, my lady. In-“ Okay, who else added “my pants” out loud then? *cough* No, Arthur is in the palace, with nowhere left to run. This news pleases Morgana, who walks off to find her prey, leaving Helios chuckling in her wake. That’s the smile of a man who thinks he’s getting some later.
Having made it to the emergency ward, Merlin watches over Arthur as Gaius treats him. There’s concern that while the rib cage can be bound, Arthur runs the risk of a punctured lung. “Do whatever it takes, Gaius. Just so long as I can swing a sword.” Heh.
The medical examination is interrupted by the arrival of Gwaine and Percival, who I thought we’d lost back in the corridor somewhere. Merlin greets them at the door and Gaius rushes over for the latest news. This news is not good: the citadel is overrun and they have mere minutes before they’re sword fodder as well. Merlin says they’re coming for Arthur, and Percival wants to get him somewhere safe. Gwaine knows enough of Arthur by now to know that he would rather die than abandon his people. It’s up to Merlin and Gauis to sort that out while Gwaine and Percival hold off the inevitable invasion for as long as possible.
Merlin suggests Gaius knock Arthur out with a potion of some sort but Gaius says he doesn’t have anything strong enough. They rack their brains. OH PLEASE, the guy gets knocked out on an almost weekly basis and NOW it’s suddenly impossible? No matter, because Gaius has a light bulb moment. “Arthur won’t go willingly. What if he was to lose his will?” Yep, Merlin is going to magic away Arthur’s will. Remember the time Merlin lost his Will in Ealdor? *sniff*
All little distraction via Gaius poking at the broken ribs a bit, and it’s surprisingly easy to remove Arthur’s will. Arthur’s face goes all blank and open, and he readily agrees to leave when Merlin tells him. Gwaine and Percival are all WTF? but then shrug it off because, hey, gift horses and all that, and Percival holds Arthur against his side and helps him out towards the postern gate. Gwaine stops him, holding out his hand so it’s pretty much sticking in Percival’s armpit, weirdly, but then I realise he’s going for one of those arm-clasping handshake things they do. Gwaine is staying behind to hold the army off a bit longer. There’s a beat for Merlin to recognise what’s happening, too, and then he tells Gaius to gather his things. Nope, Gaius is staying behind as well, because he doesn’t want to slow the boys down. Oh, you beautiful lot of self-sacrificing people. Merlin tries to convince Gaius to come, so Gwaine intervenes and sends him on his way with an apology. Oh, boys. Gotta admit, I love this show when things get dire and everybody wants to die for everybody else. “Look after our king, Merlin,” Gaius says just before Merlin exits, and he and Gwaine turn to face the oncoming invasion.
Morgana is at the head of the pack and doesn’t seem to think that Gwaine and Gaius are good substitutes for Arthur. Gaius taunts her a bit, and she smiles. “Prepare the horses. We’re going on a hunt.”
Once on the forest path out of Camelot, Percival releases his hold on Arthur, who thanks him politely, and Merlin asks Arthur if he can walk on his own. “Oh, yes. Just point me in the right direction.” Hee, he is so sweet and biddable and absolutely adorable. The cuteness is cut off when they hear a noise and someone approaches. Percival grabs the intruder and holds him in front of him. It’s Elyan! “Don’t hold back on my account,” Elyan says, still in Percival’s big, strong arms. Yeah, they are allowed to make flirty jokes because Percival has already established his heterosexuality at the feast. There are relieved chuckles all round, except for Arthur who is just looking at them with trusting innocence like, oh, yes, these are my knights who all flirt with each other all the time. Arthur turns back to look at Camelot burning for a moment, until Merlin calls him to follow and he does, like a cute little puppy. Or maybe more like this:
On the run, Elyan says that to escape Morgana, they’ll have to find sanctuary across the border. Luckily Merlin knows a place called Ealdor, beyond the White Mountains. Well, okay, according to the official map of Camelot, Ealdor used to be on the other side of the kingdom to the White Mountains, but I’m sure Merlin knows best. Maybe that’s why Balinor never returned - he couldn’t find the damn village again. Any questions we may have are best left for another time, because the sound of many hooves approaching is heard.
For a fast-moving episode, it sure does have a lot of slow-mo. They run. Agravaine and Morgana get closer. More running. Then Morgana uses the same old magic trick and sends them all flying. When they get back up and keep running, Percival has been lost, but there’s no time to find him. Elyan leads them to the trusty path lined by sheer rock walls and stays behind to hold the bad guys off while Merlin and Arthur escape. I heart these knights. So much.
In the forest, Merlin pauses and Arthur runs smack into the back of him. Arthur immediately apologises and takes the blame. Heh. Merlin is really liking this spell. Now that they’re temporarily safe, Merlin decides that Arthur needs a disguise that isn’t, you know, pretty much screaming KING OVER HERE, KILL HIM NOW. Arthur looks at Merlin. “Whatever you say. I am entirely in your hands.” It’s like there are so many ideas spinning through Merlin’s head, he doesn’t know which one to try first.
Agravaine enters the throne room just as a random knight is being dragged out. Morgana is sitting on her throne and Helios is leaning over it, all intimate like. Agravaine reports that some knights have escaped into the woods but the rest are either in the dungeons or dead. Hopefully, none of Arthur’s A-Team is in the dead category. Agravaine laps up the scrap of praise Morgana throws his way, then when she is told that the people of Camelot will accept no-one but Arthur as their ruler, Morgana orders Agravaine to burn all the crops and starve the children. Yeah, I give up. Morgana is evil and we can either accept that or GTFO.
Just after Helios asks about Arthur’s whereabouts, Elyan is dragged before the throne. “We’ll find Arthur soon enough,” Morgana says. Elyan scowls.
D’awwwwww, enchanted Arthur is so unbelievably cute. He basically leans all over Merlin’s back as they spy on a cottage with washing hanging on the line outside. Merlin doesn’t seem to appreciate the closeness. Has someone enchanted him with an ooc spell, too?
We cut to Merlin leaning against a stone wall while Arthur changes behind it. Chain mail and red cape are tossed in the air like the Swedish Chef is behind there making some king of garment-based salad.
Merlin isn’t very patient, and Arthur apologises for struggling with the tight clothes. Merlin tells him that beggars can’t be choosers and Arthur agrees. “I probably should learn to think before I speak, shouldn’t I?” Merlin thinks that would be a start. Then Arthur emerges and it is the Best. Thing. Ever.
His chosen ensemble is a pair of capri pants to just below the knee and a cropped vest over a midriff-baring shirt. It is accessorised with a pair of SANDALS and a belt securing a great big bag of gold around his waist. Merlin laughs, and tells Arthur he looks like a turniphead. Poor Arthur suggests he could try on something else but Merlin doesn’t want to change a thing, except to take the gold, which he says will be safer with him. Arthur is more than agreeable, and my heart ACHES for how sweet and trusting he is.
Oh, look, while Merlin is playing dressups with his puppy, Morgana has a new pet of her own. And it’s a snake-type thing, naturally. She and Valiant totally should have hooked up back in the first series, in hindsight. Apparently her baby snake is a Nathair from the Mountains of Asgorath which, with a little persuasion, can cause a man pain beyond all imagining. Delightful. Where can I get one? Given the choice of unimaginable pain or revealing the location of Arthur, Elyan goes with the snake. We cut away from the visual while he screams, to see Helios twitching in amusement, then chowing down on what looks like one of Arthur’s capon drumsticks. Agravaine gulps and is obviously not comfortable and WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHY HE IS WITH THESE PEOPLE.
Morgana appears after the torture, having found out that Arthur is headed for Ealdor. They are to leave without delay, and she takes Agravaine aside. “Fail me again and you’ll be taking Elyan’s place.” She walks off with a highly amused Helios, leaving Agravaine to stand alone, all woobie and bullied by the mean kids. If Morgana hasn’t magicked away HIS will, I just don’t know how this will ever make sense.
Elyan is handily dumped in a dungeon cell with Gwaine and Gaius, and Gaius instantly recognises symptoms of someone who has been tortured to the limit of human endurance by a Nathair serpent. WiFi coverage must be very good in the castle for Gaius to be able to wiki that from the dungeons so quickly. He’ll do what he can to help Elyan.
Morgana is chilling in Arthur’s room, reading some documents of some sort at his desk, when Agravaine drops by for a visit, even though he’s supposed to be on the trail of Arthur. He has come to say goodbye and to ask her to take care. And warn her against trusting Helios. And also, explain his feelings via song:
“I am your one true ally, my lady. I am your one true friend.” Actually, you’re a silly old fool, Agravaine, but whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess. Morgana patronisingly explains that she is sending Agravaine on the mission because she trusts him. He says he only wishes it didn’t take him from her side, where he can protect her. “Find Arthur and you need never leave my side again.” Yeah, mate, she’s so gonna kill you once this is done. You’re the second guy she has pretty much promised sexual favours to and you’re not the hottest one, sorry.
Hearing something through the trees, Merlin slowly and pointedly tells Arthur to wait right there as he investigates. Arthur nods, then wanders off in the other direction as soon as Merlin’s back is turned bless him. Merlin finds a bunch of people loading a wagon with boxes. Doesn’t look too suspicious, unless the count the sword now digging into Merlin’s back. He turns around to see who it is and, hey, it’s a hot blonde chick in tight clothing. She seems quite friendly for someone obviously up to no good, and takes Merlin (and Arthur, whom she must have found quite easily) back to the group to introduce them to some blonde guy, who proceeds to throw a dagger at Merlin’s head. Merlin and Arthur duck, and the dagger sticks into the tree where Merlin’s head previously was. Hee, Arthur’s face.
Merlin promises they didn’t see anything, and were just passing through, heading north of the border. “Lot’s kingdom.” the stranger says. “He doesn’t take kindly to strangers, I can tell you. Likes to decorate his fortress with their heads.” Wait, so does Lot have Cenred’s kingdom now, or are we thinking now that Ealdor has been moved, it was never in Cenred’s kingdom anyway, or is Merlin lying about where they’re headed? My head hurts.
As Merlin and the new guy face off, each trying to work the other out, Arthur interjects with an, “I agree with him!” and he is all kinds of adorable, still. The new guy asks what’s wrong with him. “He’s a simpleton, he can’t help it,” Merlin says, actually quite defensive, and the new guy asks if Merlin looks after him. “Without me, he wouldn’t last a day.” Hee, Arthur nods in agreement. And standing there, gormless expression, belly sticking out, Arthur really does seem like the Arthur he should be after all those head wounds. We now know that it’s only Arthur’s will that is keeping him from permanent brain damage.
Satisfied that Merlin’s story checks out, the new guy is willing to let them be on their way, but Merlin has another idea - he wants to travel with them. Merlin explains that he would be grateful for the company, pointedly glancing at Arthur. “I’m very annoying,” Arthur confides. The new guy is not convinced, however, until Merlin offers to pay in gold. NOW, they’re interested. And Arthur is still the cutest thing ever and I am definitely going to some special part of hell for my thoughts.
Agravaine has followed the trail to the scene of Arthur’s transformation into Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder and has found Arthur’s clothes. “What kind of coward would deny who he is,” he says. I’m going to go with a coward who is a bit smart to think of putting on a disguise, but not smart enough to hide the evidence. Merlin obviously got too distracted by Arthur’s new pants and forgot about that little detail.
The travellers have found a place to make camp for the night. Arthur has been riding in the wagon with his head out the little window.
(One of my fave youtube dogs, btw - check out his channel sometime)
Merlin pushes Arthur back in the wagon while he watches the new guy help the hot chick down from the front seat. They’re nauseatingly loved-up, and you can see Merlin’s little shipper eyes light up at the prospect of a rebound OTP. Arthur, meanwhile, sticks a sandaled foot in Merlin’s face. Heh.
Later, Merlin helps the gang unpack the wagon, while Arthur is made stand in the background, hugging a tree. Literally. He really loves that tree, too. You can tell because those pants don’t leave much to the imagination and are so tight, one could see that Arthur is most definitely not a capon. Cock-a-doodle-doo. It’s a bit distracting, actually, having him in the background while Merlin snoops around in a box he’s found and is sprung by the hot blonde. Merlin recognised the scent of frankincense coming from the box, and also recognises how much it’s worth. Great, we’ve got frankincense and gold already, and now we just need some bloke to show up with some myrrh so we can all get to Ealdor and watch Gwen give birth to the son of god in a barn for the series finale. Hey, I’m not discounting anything at this point. ANYWAY, Merlin realises they’re smugglers, and reminds them that, by edict of the king, they could be killed if caught.
“Caught? Tristan and Isolde? I don’t think so.” Oh, so they have names at last. And what familiar names they are! Not going to mean anything at all in the context of this episode, but still. Tristan continues to brag. “We’re too quick and too smart for the half-wit king in Camelot.” And at that moment, the camera returns focus to Arthur, knocking on the tree trunk and waiting for a response. WOODWORM! Also, I’m really loving Isolde. I don’t know why, given that we know nothing about her, but she just seems great.
Merlin heads over to Arthur and very sweetly leads him away. Now they’re both cute. Night falls, and the boys sit around their own fire while Merlin serves Arthur some soup. He is being very liberal with the pleases and thank yous, and Merlin mentions this. Arthur is a bit surprised to learn that manners aren’t his strong point. Merlin explains that Arthur is usually, “Rude, thoughtless, insensitive. And that’s when you’re in a good mood.” Arthur is sorry to hear that. “I don’t think you realise how hard I work for you. I know you’re the king, but it would be nice if you could do one small thing for yourself, as a gesture, a mark of respect.” Arthur apologises for being a disappointment and he is SO SAD and I just want to hug him. He says he’ll try harder in the future. Why wait, Merlin decides, and sends Arthur off to clean the dishes and give the horses a rub-down, which Arthur says would be his pleasure. Dear lord, Arthur’s arse is SPECTACULAR in those pants. Then we lose the sight, as Arthur trips and falls into the bushes. Merlin has an indulgent chuckle and lays down beside the fire.
Okay, I’m just going to assume that Merlin sent him away because sitting around a romantic campfire with Arthur so compliant was too much of a temptation for him to handle. Because, sending your friend with BROKEN RIBS off for a bit of manual labour and then LAUGHING when he falls over, is not cool, Merlin.
No rest for the wicked, however. Agravaine and his men ride all night. Well, he rides, while the rest run. These Southron guys are hardcore.
Morning breaks, and Arthur strides across the camp towards Merlin. Wait, he’s striding. Purposefully and angrily. WELCOME BACK, ARTHUR! Now I can stop feeling so skeevy about perving on you in those clothes. Arthur kicks Merlin awake with a sandaled foot, telling him there better be a damn good explanation. When Merlin remains silent, Arthur decides that continuing to kick him will compensate a little. Merlin gets to his feet. “You’re back!” Arthur is v. confused, and Merlin has to give him the Cliff Notes version: Camelot is lost, you were injured and passed out, I had to get you out and take you to a safe haven, so we’re heading north to Ealdor where the knights will hopefully meet up with us. Oh, and by the way, we’re travelling with smugglers and you’re dressed as the village idiot and now you have to keep in character so nobody will know who you really are.
Arthur asks what character, and then Tristan appears and asks Merlin to explain when they’re leaving to “the simpleton.” Ahaha, if looks could kill. Merlin cheeky grin is absolutely delightful, though.
At some point between then and now, just as they’re about to leave, Arthur has found a pair of gumboots to replace the sandals. He also grabs his sword from Merlin, which Tristan immediately notices. Merlin has just enough time to remind Arthur to stay in character before Tristan approaches. “Impressive piece,” he says, looking down at Arthur’s crotch. I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH. Arthur, bless him, attempts to stay in character. It’s just that Arthur seems to equate simpletons with…well, pirates. “Thankyee, sirrrrrr,” he says, and lets Tristan and Isolde examine the sword. Tristan knows that such magnificent workmanship can only have come from the royal forge of Camelot and wants to know how Arthur got it. Merlin jumps in to tell them he won it in a card game and gave it to Arthur as a present because it makes him feel safe. Like a security blanket, but pointier. A bit menacing, Tristan hopes their story is true, because he’d hate to think he was riding with a Knight of Camelot. He gives the sword back and Arthur hugs it to his chest and responds with another pirate, “Aye.” Ahahaha, I love how different Simpleton Arthur is from Pretending to be Simpleton Arthur, from Real Arthur. Very nicely done, Bradley James.
Isolde scoffs at Arthur being a Knight of Camelot. And Tristan agrees. “The knights may be stupid, but they’re not that stupid.” They walk away to the fake laughter from Arthur and Merlin. Merlin tells his “simpleton” to pack his things and Arthur fake smiles as he leans in. “Call me that again and I’ll run you through.” Merlin assures him they won’t have to keep up the charade for much longer and Arthur wants to know how long…just as an arrow whistles through the air and gets the guy next to them in the neck.
I’m thinking the jig is up now, as Arthur goes into full instinctive Arthur mode by protecting Merlin and ordering him to stay close. Joining Tristan and Isolde behind the wagon, Arthur tells them to run to the trees while he and Merlin cover them. Tristan is all WTF? and wants to stay behind to question Arthur, but Isolde drags him away. Merlin and Arthur start firing their crossbows. Arthur tells Merlin it’s their turn to run for safety and Merlin wants to know who’s going to cover them. “Don’t be a simpleton, Merlin,” Arthur says, and drags him over to where Tristan and Isolde and hiding, just in time to avoid Agravaine.
Isolde is relieved that the bad guys haven’t found their cargo yet, and Tristan tells her it wasn’t the cargo they were after. “Who the hell are you?” he asks Arthur. “
Arthur: “My name is Arthur Pendragon.”
Tristan: Oh fucking great, the fucking King of fucking Camelot. “I’ve lost everything I’ve worked for for some good-for-nothing king!”
Arthur: I call bullshit since you’re a hippie smuggler.
Tristan: “Well, I wouldn’t have to be a smuggler if it wasn’t for your damn taxes, would I?”
Arthur: “Those taxes help protect the people of this land.”
Tristan: “My people are dead.” I AM THE 99%
Merlin: Sorry to interrupt, but…we’re already kind of dealing with one Occupy Camelot movement at the moment so can we maybe save the political debate for another time when, say, THOSE GUYS AREN’T ABOUT TO KILL US ALL.
Bad Guys: Aaaaarrrrrgh!
Arthur: Wait, are they simpletons, too?
The sword-clanging commences and after a bit of action, Isolde is injured. Her attacker is just about to deliver the final blow when Arthur runs him through. Yay, Arthur! Tristan runs to her in slow-mo, as you do. “We had a deal. Partners for life, remember?” Ugh, there’s a bit more sap until Arthur reminds them that they have to keep moving before the next wave of attackers. Tristan isn’t too keen on going anywhere with the King of Camelot, but is talked into it in order to save Isolde, even though Arthur and his kind bring nothing but misery to this land. But of a Debbie Downer, this guy, isn’t he?
Back in Camelot’s dungeons, Morgana pays the captured regulars a visit. They’re all starving, apparently, and Gaius isn’t faring so well. Morgana doesn’t really give a shit, considering Gwaine and Elyan killed a lot of her men. Gwaine walks up to the front of the cell and Morgana arches an eyebrow through the bars. “I think not of myself,” Gwaine tells her, “but of Gaius. He can’t survive long without food.” Wow, these two are hot together, aren’t they? Morgana assures the “handsome and selfless” Gwaine that he shall have some supper…as long as he’s prepared to sing for it. If they make him sing Halleluiah, I’m outta here.
Our two couples stand at the border between Camelot and Lot’s kingdom, and Merlin tells them Ealdor lies on the far side of the valley, about half a day away, so they decide to make camp. Merlin takes Isolde away to make a fire and keep her warm. Arthur offers Tristan a drink from his skin, which is summarily refused, and Arthur is left standing alone on his side of the border, midriff on display for no-one. Heh.
Back at the castle, Gwaine is dragged into the throne room to be surrounded by a lot of roaring men, and one extra roary man for him to fight. Morgana sits back in her throne and enjoys the primetime evening lineup.
Another Arthur/Merlin campfire chat. We are truly spoiled this week. Also, when did Arthur get his cute sandals back? Arthur says that Merlin knew Agravaine was betraying him and Merlin said he had his suspicions but couldn’t be sure - the lying liar. Arthur feels like a fool for trusting Agravaine and being blind to his treachery, just like he was to Morgana’s. Merlin tells him he was deceived and it could happen to anyone. “Yet it keeps happening to me,” Arthur says, a little snappy. Oh,OUCH. And again, we’re back to thinking about MERLIN’S deception and what that will mean to Arthur, especially when Arthur continues to talk about how he has cared about the people who have betrayed him and he doesn’t understand what he’s done wrong to make them hate him. Arthur just really needs a hug and somebody who isn’t going to lie to him. I think Merlin could provide both of these things, if the show would just give us what we all want in the next episode.
Merlin assures Arthur that they don’t hate him, they just want his power for themselves, which leads Arthur to wonder if they’d still want that power if he was the King his people deserved. Well, Morgana, yes, because she’s batshit insane like her father at this point, and who can say what Agravaine’s reasons are, because he seemingly WOULD have been better off keeping Arthur as king and using his close relationship to advise him for his own means - one of the things he was good at until Morgana got too involved.
“All I know,” Merlin says, “Is that for all your many faults, you are honest and brave and true-hearted. And one day you will be the greatest King this land has ever known.” Merlin’s breathing heavily and can’t look Arthur in the eye for long, while Arthur continues to gaze at him, all soft and pleased. He tells Merlin it’s good to know he at least has the support of his servant. “I’m not alone. Believe me,” Merlin says, still a bit worked up, and we leave them both to think it over.
Things are not so quiet and emotional back in Camelot as Gwaine fights the big guy who is unfairly armed with many weapons. After a bit of both physical and verbal sparring, and a whole lot of hair-swishing, Gwaine finally claims victory. Morgana offers him a slowclap, and then the reward of half a loaf of very mouldy bread. She’s not completely mean-spirited, though, and at least gives him the chance to earn some more- this time fighting two of Helios’ men.
Ealdor! The little village is all green and lush and seems to be thriving under Lot’s rule, at least. The trees are in fruit, the geese and ducks look fat and healthy, and there is no sign of any evil bandits anywhere. As the gang enter the village, Hunith rounds a corner, carrying a basket in her arms. Said basket is immediately dropped and replaced with a whole lotta Merlin. “Welcome home, Merlin,” she says and the other three stand aside awkwardly while Merlin hugs his mummy a bit more.
I have missed Hunith a lot, and there is so much I want to see - a conversation about Balinor, some advice about maybe not keeping Merlin’s magic so secret now, another joke about her bad cooking…but what I really want is some Arthur/Hunith screentime. Arthur REALLY needs a mum right now. It’s a shame we’re not going to get any of that.
Inside the hut, Merlin has cleaned Isolde’s wound and can’t see a sign of infection so she should be fine after a good rest. Tristan, eating at the table with Arthur, thanks Merlin for everything he has done for her. Aw, he likes Merlin. Arthur apologies for bringing misfortune upon them, but it seems that Tristan has had time to think things through. “I may have lost my cargo, but I still have my beloved Isolde.” Arthur tells him he is richer than he knows, and his bottom lip gets a bit trembly as we hear a hint of the love theme.
Oh, good to see the full moon shines over Ealdor as well. It also provides a bit of extra light for Agravaine and his men, who don’t seem to sleep at all. They spread out to surround the village.
Merlin and Hunith find time for a bit of a chat. Hunith understands that Merlin’s life in Camelot keeps him away from her, but she worries about him and the dangers he must face sometimes. Merlin gets all cute and muuuuuum! about it and Hunith says she can’t help doing what mothers do. “Well, we are safe here. All of us,” Merlin tells her. *snort* I will say that he looks a lot more grown up next to her than he did last time we saw them together.
Merlin changes the subject by asking, “How’s she been?” She? Who? Hunith tells him that ‘she’ has been doing as well as can be expected, but it takes time to mend a broken heart…and then we cut to the candlelight-framed silhouette of Gwen standing inside a doorway, randomly tacked on to the end of the episode. Merlin and his mum give her some privacy as she moves further inside.
Oh, she’s tending Arthur’s wound. I’m wondering if he was shirtless before or after she arrived. Nice to see Arthur gets a bed this time - no sleeping on the floor beside Merlin for the king! He wakes up as she finishes the bandage and sits up a bit. She says Ealdor was as good a place as any to go to (and also she knew Arthur would eventually visit with Merlin anyway), and that she has missed Arthur. Arthur has missed her, too. They hug with a bit of a violin soundtrack to accompany them. It’s all rather racy for them, what with Arthur mostly naked, and Gwen virtually naked in just a tunic and tights, so we cut back to Merlin and Hunith sitting together on a bench outside.
Cue screaming, as the village is invaded. Agravaine has found them. Somehow, they have enough time to all get dressed and meet up inside but WHERE IS HUNITH? Sending the others out the back, Merlin creates yet another flamey distraction, then follows Arthur, Gwen Tristan and Isolde into the woods. Agravaine sees them, and the chase is on. TO BE CONTINUED.
HUNITH, WHERE ARE YOU? YOU HAVEN’T EVEN HUGGED ARTHUR YET.
Next Week: Dragon! Flames! Arthur back with his knights! (At least we know Percival and Leon are still alive, then.) Merlin looking awed by something glowy! Agravaine discovering SOMEONE has magic (please let that be a red herring.) Old!Merlin with a straw man? Morgana fighting with a sword! Morgana and Gwen fighting each other with swords! Arthur maybe getting knocked out AGAIN. Was that Merlin killing Agravaine? Gwen and Morgana face off. AND OH MY FUCKING GOD ARTHUR IS ABOUT TO PULL THE SWORD FROM THE STONE AND IT IS SO, SO BEAUTIFUL AND I HAVE DECIDED IT IS TOTALLY WORTH GETTING UP FOR ON CHRISTMAS DAY.
P.S. As the finale airs on Christmas morning, my time, and I don't think family and friends (and dog, who has been promised a proper spoiling this Christmas considering his first one was spent starved and locked up by his previous owner) are going to let me get away with locking myself in a room with my computer all day, there is going to be an even bigger delay on the recap. But I have the entire week after that off work, so should find time for it (and the missing ep) at some point.
In a land of myth and a time of…Beltane? It’s time for the feast of Beltane? \o/ Merlin is putting the finishing touches on Arthur’s outfit for the feast, and is apparently taking far too long getting everything just right to make the king look king-ly (hee, his cute little pronunciation!) and Arthur, from behind the screen and cleaning out his ears by candlelight, doesn’t think he’s going to look kingly in his undergarments. Oh, Arthur, don’t sell yourself so short. You must know that all those handsome knights the maidens coo over on tapestries have been embroiderly enhanced and you cannot possibly live up to such unrealistic expectations (unless your name is Lancelot, naturally.)
Click to viewMerlin asks for a little patience and advises Arthur to think of something pleasant to pass the time. “You in the stocks?” Arthur suggests, and, well, that would certainly help ME pass the time. When Arthur doesn’t get a rise out of Merlin, however, he grows suspicious and leaves the privacy of his screen to investigate and sees Merlin trying to hide something behind his back.
“What have you got there?” Arthur asks in a low voice as he PROWLS towards Merlin. We change to a wider shot so we can see that Arthur is currently pantsless. Hee, pantsless has definitely been the new shirtless this season. Nice legs, Arthur. Merlin feigns innocence, so Arthur forcefully grabs Merlin’s shoulders and turns him around right in front of the table and if this isn’t setting us up for the moment when Arthur FINALLY bends him over it, I will cry.
*cries* Arthur grabs whatever it is Merlin was hiding. It’s a belt and dagger. Arthur wants to know why Merlin was putting another hole in his belt. “I was enhancing it for comfort and ease of use.” Dear god, how on earth did he make that sound so hot? And OF COURSE Merlin isn’t saying that Arthur is fat, he’s saying that “the belt is one hole shy of perfection.” Ahahahaha! I am so using that line in everyday life from now on. Refusing to acknowledge the need for an extra hole Arthur tries the belt on. As he huffs and puffs and is pulling as many facial contortions as possible, I would like to point out that the subtitles at this moment read, “BELT CREAKS” because that cracked me up.
Merlin tries to reassure Arthur that a little extra padding is to be expected what with all the extra feasts, banquets and ceremonies a king must attend. And I think the offer to help him work a bit of it off each night is implied. Arthur admits defeat and hands the belt back over, stressing that Merlin cannot say a word about it to anyone. “Trust me,” Merlin says,”If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s keeping secrets.” Yeah, that old chestnut.
Meanwhile, Agravaine is up to no good around the castle. A bit of pyrotechnics takes care of some random red-capes and then he’s off to signal someone in the surrounding forest via some waving torch action. The torch in the trees waves back. I could be wrong, but I think it might be this guy:
Arthur has arrived for the feast and sees that Agravaine is missing. Gaius hasn’t seen him since that morning apparently, but any concern Arthur may have about his uncle’s whereabouts is put aside as he takes a seat and Merlin enters with a tray of delicious flavour. It’s Arthur’s favourite - herb-crusted capon. OH I SEE. Cross those legs, knights. Now that we know that Arthur’s tastes run towards the castrated, I’d be very worried.
And perhaps to exact revenge on behalf of the poor boy chicken who gave up his sexuality (and eventually his life) for Arthur’s gastronomic enjoyment, Merlin jovially says, “Easy now, we don’t want any more holes in that belt!” Ahahahaha! Percival’s spit take! Ahahahaha! Merlin is absolutely delighted with himself as he pours the wine. Arthur is laughing the laugh that means, “I am going to kill you slowly and painfully,” and it is all very amusing. Even Gaius, seated next to Arthur, is entertained. Arthur beckon’s Merlin’s face down until it is an inch away from his own and gets his threatening voice on. “It’s a good job you don’t have anything of any actual importance to keep secret, isn’t it?” Oh, we’re trotting out the joke again? Fair enough.
Agravaine, missing out on all the fun at Arthur’s expense, opens the doors to the siege tunnels and welcomes in an army of bad guys. Um, if Agravaine was just going to greet them all and lead them into the castle, why did Morgana and Helios need the plans at all?
Back at the feast of Beltane, the subtitles tell us that there is “LAUGHTER AND CHATTER” as everyone gets their drink on and Percival hits on a beautiful young lady seated next to him. WAIT A MINUTE! When did they let chicks into Camelot?
Percival: Good evening, my lady. The name’s Percival, but my friends call me Sir Loin, if you know what I mean.
Lone Woman of Camelot: *sigh* You are handsome and I am hoping proportionally sized everywhere, good Sir, but I’m afraid it cannot be for my father has seen fit to secure my maidenhood with…*clangs as she sits*
Percival: Fear not! Sir Elyan has mad blacksmith skillz and is always ready to help a mate find a scabbard for his sword. Best. Beltane. Ever.
Lone Woman of Camelot: Tee hee.
Arthur: FOREVER ALONE.
Merlin: You okay, bb?
Arthur: NO! YOU CALLED ME FAT AND HURT MY FEELINGS.
Merlin: My bad.
Arthur: *brood, brood, broody brood*
Merlin: “It’s Gwen, isn’t it?”
Me: GASP! WAY TO MENTION HER NAME AGAIN AND GET YOURSELF BANISHED, MERLIN.
Arthur: “I look for her in the room, she’s not there. Then I remember why.”
Me and Merlin: Awwwww.
Arthur: *drowns his sorrows*
To be honest, it’s almost a welcome relief to cross back to Team Evil and watch more random redcapes get their necks broken. The cloaked bad guys douse the lower town with fuel and then Agravaine lights it with his dropped torch. He gets his own slow-mo moment as he walks towards the camera, smirking as the flames roar behind him. On the edge of the forest, Morgana and Helios watch with the rest of their army. “It’s time,” she says. Time to roll the opening titles.
When we return, the fire has taken hold and the people are running around in a panic. Leon and Elyan, who must be on duty and therefore not invited to the party, are trying to help organise an orderly queue to the well until Leon sees the army of bad guys headed their way. He sends Elyan off to sound the alarm and faces the oncoming death himself. Because that’s what my Sir Vivor does, yo.
The bells sound and Gwaine interrupts the feast with a bit of an overacted warning that the city walls have been breached. He’s probably just upset that he wasn’t invited to the party, either. Why is Percival the only one with an RDO? Arthur leaps into action immediately and you have to think that if Morgana was smart, she would have waited a bit longer until everyone was absolutely pissed. Arthur instructs Merlin to take everyone to the inner chamber, Gwaine to secure the amoury, and Percival to follow him. Yeah, because now we all know Percival’s your favourite.
Elyan, having sounded the alarm, is walking down a hallway when he runs right into Agravaine and some henchmen coming from the other direction. Realising that Agravaine is the traitor, he draws his sword. Agravaine, kind of hot when he’s all arrogant, moves to kill him but suddenly Elyan is flying back through the air. I am so fucking sick of this spell. The men part to reveal Morgana. “We don’t have time to play soldiers, Agravaine,” she says. Aaaaaaand, Agravaine is back to being utterly emasculated. Heh. They all walk past Elyan, who is hopefully just unconscious on the floor.
In other areas of the castle, Arthur and Percival lead some men through the corridors, a whole lotta bad guys ride into the courtyard, and Merlin helps Gaius set up yet another emergency hospital. Merlin tells Gaius that the lower town is already lost and it won’t be long until they enter the citadel. In other words: they’re so unbelievably fucked. Gaius wants to know how they became so unbelievably fucked and Merlin thinks the responsibility lies with Agravaine.
Merlin races out to find his man, who is currently slashing (and not in the fun sense) his way through a castle full of enemies. There’s slow-mo and artistic frame rate shifts going on everywhere, as Helios gets some knight-slaying action outside. He’s kind of badass and awesome but he is heading towards Leon and therefore I must wish him dead. Leon realises things are pretty grim so orders a retreat to get the surviving people to safety in the woods.
Meanwhile, Arthur is still all RAWR and sticking people with his sword…until someone manages to stick him. Seeing this is enough to make Merlin break out of his slow-mo and pull Arthur around a corner. “Been hiding in a broom cupboard as usual, Merlin?” Now is not the time for closet jokes, Arthur. Merlin response is to shove Arthur down a corridor so he can put a quick spell on the torches in front of the oncoming bad guys and hold them off via flame action. In reality, it’s only at head height so they could totally just duck under the flames and continue on their way, but they don’t seem to realise this, so Arthur and Merlin have time to make their escape.
They take a break from running and Arthur admits he might have a broken rib or two from the fight. Then he sees Morgana and Helios leading their army past and the rib is the least of his worries. His eyes are impossibly blue in this light. Then he spots Agravaine joining Morgana and those blue eyes widen and fill with sadness and it’s pretty clear Arthur needs a hug right now, broken ribs aside. He slumps for a moment, making Merlin look so tall beside him, but then gathers himself and moves to go right out there and run Agravaine through. Merlin stops him from running headlong into an entire army and promises that they can deal with his uncle later. I like the use of ‘we’, and also the decent amount of touching going on already in this episode.
Leon herds the people into the woods like a good scruffy sheepdog and looks back to see Camelot burning. Stay safe, Leon! I don’t much feel like testing your immortality this year.
Inside Camelot, Morgana is sitting on the throne, as casual as can be, when Helios enters to let her know that the city has fallen and Camelot is theirs. Yes, we kind of gathered that, given that Morgana is sitting on the fucking throne, mate. “And?” Morgana asks. She doesn’t just want a pretty chair and an entire kingdom, because that’s the easy part. She also wants Arthur. Get in line, Morgana.
Morgana asks Helios where Arthur is. “He’s right here, my lady. In-“ Okay, who else added “my pants” out loud then? *cough* No, Arthur is in the palace, with nowhere left to run. This news pleases Morgana, who walks off to find her prey, leaving Helios chuckling in her wake. That’s the smile of a man who thinks he’s getting some later.
Having made it to the emergency ward, Merlin watches over Arthur as Gaius treats him. There’s concern that while the rib cage can be bound, Arthur runs the risk of a punctured lung. “Do whatever it takes, Gaius. Just so long as I can swing a sword.” Heh.
The medical examination is interrupted by the arrival of Gwaine and Percival, who I thought we’d lost back in the corridor somewhere. Merlin greets them at the door and Gaius rushes over for the latest news. This news is not good: the citadel is overrun and they have mere minutes before they’re sword fodder as well. Merlin says they’re coming for Arthur, and Percival wants to get him somewhere safe. Gwaine knows enough of Arthur by now to know that he would rather die than abandon his people. It’s up to Merlin and Gauis to sort that out while Gwaine and Percival hold off the inevitable invasion for as long as possible.
Merlin suggests Gaius knock Arthur out with a potion of some sort but Gaius says he doesn’t have anything strong enough. They rack their brains. OH PLEASE, the guy gets knocked out on an almost weekly basis and NOW it’s suddenly impossible? No matter, because Gaius has a light bulb moment. “Arthur won’t go willingly. What if he was to lose his will?” Yep, Merlin is going to magic away Arthur’s will. Remember the time Merlin lost his Will in Ealdor? *sniff*
All little distraction via Gaius poking at the broken ribs a bit, and it’s surprisingly easy to remove Arthur’s will. Arthur’s face goes all blank and open, and he readily agrees to leave when Merlin tells him. Gwaine and Percival are all WTF? but then shrug it off because, hey, gift horses and all that, and Percival holds Arthur against his side and helps him out towards the postern gate. Gwaine stops him, holding out his hand so it’s pretty much sticking in Percival’s armpit, weirdly, but then I realise he’s going for one of those arm-clasping handshake things they do. Gwaine is staying behind to hold the army off a bit longer. There’s a beat for Merlin to recognise what’s happening, too, and then he tells Gaius to gather his things. Nope, Gaius is staying behind as well, because he doesn’t want to slow the boys down. Oh, you beautiful lot of self-sacrificing people. Merlin tries to convince Gaius to come, so Gwaine intervenes and sends him on his way with an apology. Oh, boys. Gotta admit, I love this show when things get dire and everybody wants to die for everybody else. “Look after our king, Merlin,” Gaius says just before Merlin exits, and he and Gwaine turn to face the oncoming invasion.
Morgana is at the head of the pack and doesn’t seem to think that Gwaine and Gaius are good substitutes for Arthur. Gaius taunts her a bit, and she smiles. “Prepare the horses. We’re going on a hunt.”
Once on the forest path out of Camelot, Percival releases his hold on Arthur, who thanks him politely, and Merlin asks Arthur if he can walk on his own. “Oh, yes. Just point me in the right direction.” Hee, he is so sweet and biddable and absolutely adorable. The cuteness is cut off when they hear a noise and someone approaches. Percival grabs the intruder and holds him in front of him. It’s Elyan! “Don’t hold back on my account,” Elyan says, still in Percival’s big, strong arms. Yeah, they are allowed to make flirty jokes because Percival has already established his heterosexuality at the feast. There are relieved chuckles all round, except for Arthur who is just looking at them with trusting innocence like, oh, yes, these are my knights who all flirt with each other all the time. Arthur turns back to look at Camelot burning for a moment, until Merlin calls him to follow and he does, like a cute little puppy. Or maybe more like this:
On the run, Elyan says that to escape Morgana, they’ll have to find sanctuary across the border. Luckily Merlin knows a place called Ealdor, beyond the White Mountains. Well, okay, according to the official map of Camelot, Ealdor used to be on the other side of the kingdom to the White Mountains, but I’m sure Merlin knows best. Maybe that’s why Balinor never returned - he couldn’t find the damn village again. Any questions we may have are best left for another time, because the sound of many hooves approaching is heard.
For a fast-moving episode, it sure does have a lot of slow-mo. They run. Agravaine and Morgana get closer. More running. Then Morgana uses the same old magic trick and sends them all flying. When they get back up and keep running, Percival has been lost, but there’s no time to find him. Elyan leads them to the trusty path lined by sheer rock walls and stays behind to hold the bad guys off while Merlin and Arthur escape. I heart these knights. So much.
In the forest, Merlin pauses and Arthur runs smack into the back of him. Arthur immediately apologises and takes the blame. Heh. Merlin is really liking this spell. Now that they’re temporarily safe, Merlin decides that Arthur needs a disguise that isn’t, you know, pretty much screaming KING OVER HERE, KILL HIM NOW. Arthur looks at Merlin. “Whatever you say. I am entirely in your hands.” It’s like there are so many ideas spinning through Merlin’s head, he doesn’t know which one to try first.
Agravaine enters the throne room just as a random knight is being dragged out. Morgana is sitting on her throne and Helios is leaning over it, all intimate like. Agravaine reports that some knights have escaped into the woods but the rest are either in the dungeons or dead. Hopefully, none of Arthur’s A-Team is in the dead category. Agravaine laps up the scrap of praise Morgana throws his way, then when she is told that the people of Camelot will accept no-one but Arthur as their ruler, Morgana orders Agravaine to burn all the crops and starve the children. Yeah, I give up. Morgana is evil and we can either accept that or GTFO.
Just after Helios asks about Arthur’s whereabouts, Elyan is dragged before the throne. “We’ll find Arthur soon enough,” Morgana says. Elyan scowls.
D’awwwwww, enchanted Arthur is so unbelievably cute. He basically leans all over Merlin’s back as they spy on a cottage with washing hanging on the line outside. Merlin doesn’t seem to appreciate the closeness. Has someone enchanted him with an ooc spell, too?
We cut to Merlin leaning against a stone wall while Arthur changes behind it. Chain mail and red cape are tossed in the air like the Swedish Chef is behind there making some king of garment-based salad.
Merlin isn’t very patient, and Arthur apologises for struggling with the tight clothes. Merlin tells him that beggars can’t be choosers and Arthur agrees. “I probably should learn to think before I speak, shouldn’t I?” Merlin thinks that would be a start. Then Arthur emerges and it is the Best. Thing. Ever.
His chosen ensemble is a pair of capri pants to just below the knee and a cropped vest over a midriff-baring shirt. It is accessorised with a pair of SANDALS and a belt securing a great big bag of gold around his waist. Merlin laughs, and tells Arthur he looks like a turniphead. Poor Arthur suggests he could try on something else but Merlin doesn’t want to change a thing, except to take the gold, which he says will be safer with him. Arthur is more than agreeable, and my heart ACHES for how sweet and trusting he is.
Oh, look, while Merlin is playing dressups with his puppy, Morgana has a new pet of her own. And it’s a snake-type thing, naturally. She and Valiant totally should have hooked up back in the first series, in hindsight. Apparently her baby snake is a Nathair from the Mountains of Asgorath which, with a little persuasion, can cause a man pain beyond all imagining. Delightful. Where can I get one? Given the choice of unimaginable pain or revealing the location of Arthur, Elyan goes with the snake. We cut away from the visual while he screams, to see Helios twitching in amusement, then chowing down on what looks like one of Arthur’s capon drumsticks. Agravaine gulps and is obviously not comfortable and WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHY HE IS WITH THESE PEOPLE.
Morgana appears after the torture, having found out that Arthur is headed for Ealdor. They are to leave without delay, and she takes Agravaine aside. “Fail me again and you’ll be taking Elyan’s place.” She walks off with a highly amused Helios, leaving Agravaine to stand alone, all woobie and bullied by the mean kids. If Morgana hasn’t magicked away HIS will, I just don’t know how this will ever make sense.
Elyan is handily dumped in a dungeon cell with Gwaine and Gaius, and Gaius instantly recognises symptoms of someone who has been tortured to the limit of human endurance by a Nathair serpent. WiFi coverage must be very good in the castle for Gaius to be able to wiki that from the dungeons so quickly. He’ll do what he can to help Elyan.
Morgana is chilling in Arthur’s room, reading some documents of some sort at his desk, when Agravaine drops by for a visit, even though he’s supposed to be on the trail of Arthur. He has come to say goodbye and to ask her to take care. And warn her against trusting Helios. And also, explain his feelings via song:
“I am your one true ally, my lady. I am your one true friend.” Actually, you’re a silly old fool, Agravaine, but whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess. Morgana patronisingly explains that she is sending Agravaine on the mission because she trusts him. He says he only wishes it didn’t take him from her side, where he can protect her. “Find Arthur and you need never leave my side again.” Yeah, mate, she’s so gonna kill you once this is done. You’re the second guy she has pretty much promised sexual favours to and you’re not the hottest one, sorry.
Hearing something through the trees, Merlin slowly and pointedly tells Arthur to wait right there as he investigates. Arthur nods, then wanders off in the other direction as soon as Merlin’s back is turned bless him. Merlin finds a bunch of people loading a wagon with boxes. Doesn’t look too suspicious, unless the count the sword now digging into Merlin’s back. He turns around to see who it is and, hey, it’s a hot blonde chick in tight clothing. She seems quite friendly for someone obviously up to no good, and takes Merlin (and Arthur, whom she must have found quite easily) back to the group to introduce them to some blonde guy, who proceeds to throw a dagger at Merlin’s head. Merlin and Arthur duck, and the dagger sticks into the tree where Merlin’s head previously was. Hee, Arthur’s face.
Merlin promises they didn’t see anything, and were just passing through, heading north of the border. “Lot’s kingdom.” the stranger says. “He doesn’t take kindly to strangers, I can tell you. Likes to decorate his fortress with their heads.” Wait, so does Lot have Cenred’s kingdom now, or are we thinking now that Ealdor has been moved, it was never in Cenred’s kingdom anyway, or is Merlin lying about where they’re headed? My head hurts.
As Merlin and the new guy face off, each trying to work the other out, Arthur interjects with an, “I agree with him!” and he is all kinds of adorable, still. The new guy asks what’s wrong with him. “He’s a simpleton, he can’t help it,” Merlin says, actually quite defensive, and the new guy asks if Merlin looks after him. “Without me, he wouldn’t last a day.” Hee, Arthur nods in agreement. And standing there, gormless expression, belly sticking out, Arthur really does seem like the Arthur he should be after all those head wounds. We now know that it’s only Arthur’s will that is keeping him from permanent brain damage.
Satisfied that Merlin’s story checks out, the new guy is willing to let them be on their way, but Merlin has another idea - he wants to travel with them. Merlin explains that he would be grateful for the company, pointedly glancing at Arthur. “I’m very annoying,” Arthur confides. The new guy is not convinced, however, until Merlin offers to pay in gold. NOW, they’re interested. And Arthur is still the cutest thing ever and I am definitely going to some special part of hell for my thoughts.
Agravaine has followed the trail to the scene of Arthur’s transformation into Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder and has found Arthur’s clothes. “What kind of coward would deny who he is,” he says. I’m going to go with a coward who is a bit smart to think of putting on a disguise, but not smart enough to hide the evidence. Merlin obviously got too distracted by Arthur’s new pants and forgot about that little detail.
The travellers have found a place to make camp for the night. Arthur has been riding in the wagon with his head out the little window.
(One of my fave youtube dogs, btw - check out his channel sometime)
Merlin pushes Arthur back in the wagon while he watches the new guy help the hot chick down from the front seat. They’re nauseatingly loved-up, and you can see Merlin’s little shipper eyes light up at the prospect of a rebound OTP. Arthur, meanwhile, sticks a sandaled foot in Merlin’s face. Heh.
Later, Merlin helps the gang unpack the wagon, while Arthur is made stand in the background, hugging a tree. Literally. He really loves that tree, too. You can tell because those pants don’t leave much to the imagination and are so tight, one could see that Arthur is most definitely not a capon. Cock-a-doodle-doo. It’s a bit distracting, actually, having him in the background while Merlin snoops around in a box he’s found and is sprung by the hot blonde. Merlin recognised the scent of frankincense coming from the box, and also recognises how much it’s worth. Great, we’ve got frankincense and gold already, and now we just need some bloke to show up with some myrrh so we can all get to Ealdor and watch Gwen give birth to the son of god in a barn for the series finale. Hey, I’m not discounting anything at this point. ANYWAY, Merlin realises they’re smugglers, and reminds them that, by edict of the king, they could be killed if caught.
“Caught? Tristan and Isolde? I don’t think so.” Oh, so they have names at last. And what familiar names they are! Not going to mean anything at all in the context of this episode, but still. Tristan continues to brag. “We’re too quick and too smart for the half-wit king in Camelot.” And at that moment, the camera returns focus to Arthur, knocking on the tree trunk and waiting for a response. WOODWORM! Also, I’m really loving Isolde. I don’t know why, given that we know nothing about her, but she just seems great.
Merlin heads over to Arthur and very sweetly leads him away. Now they’re both cute. Night falls, and the boys sit around their own fire while Merlin serves Arthur some soup. He is being very liberal with the pleases and thank yous, and Merlin mentions this. Arthur is a bit surprised to learn that manners aren’t his strong point. Merlin explains that Arthur is usually, “Rude, thoughtless, insensitive. And that’s when you’re in a good mood.” Arthur is sorry to hear that. “I don’t think you realise how hard I work for you. I know you’re the king, but it would be nice if you could do one small thing for yourself, as a gesture, a mark of respect.” Arthur apologises for being a disappointment and he is SO SAD and I just want to hug him. He says he’ll try harder in the future. Why wait, Merlin decides, and sends Arthur off to clean the dishes and give the horses a rub-down, which Arthur says would be his pleasure. Dear lord, Arthur’s arse is SPECTACULAR in those pants. Then we lose the sight, as Arthur trips and falls into the bushes. Merlin has an indulgent chuckle and lays down beside the fire.
Okay, I’m just going to assume that Merlin sent him away because sitting around a romantic campfire with Arthur so compliant was too much of a temptation for him to handle. Because, sending your friend with BROKEN RIBS off for a bit of manual labour and then LAUGHING when he falls over, is not cool, Merlin.
No rest for the wicked, however. Agravaine and his men ride all night. Well, he rides, while the rest run. These Southron guys are hardcore.
Morning breaks, and Arthur strides across the camp towards Merlin. Wait, he’s striding. Purposefully and angrily. WELCOME BACK, ARTHUR! Now I can stop feeling so skeevy about perving on you in those clothes. Arthur kicks Merlin awake with a sandaled foot, telling him there better be a damn good explanation. When Merlin remains silent, Arthur decides that continuing to kick him will compensate a little. Merlin gets to his feet. “You’re back!” Arthur is v. confused, and Merlin has to give him the Cliff Notes version: Camelot is lost, you were injured and passed out, I had to get you out and take you to a safe haven, so we’re heading north to Ealdor where the knights will hopefully meet up with us. Oh, and by the way, we’re travelling with smugglers and you’re dressed as the village idiot and now you have to keep in character so nobody will know who you really are.
Arthur asks what character, and then Tristan appears and asks Merlin to explain when they’re leaving to “the simpleton.” Ahaha, if looks could kill. Merlin cheeky grin is absolutely delightful, though.
At some point between then and now, just as they’re about to leave, Arthur has found a pair of gumboots to replace the sandals. He also grabs his sword from Merlin, which Tristan immediately notices. Merlin has just enough time to remind Arthur to stay in character before Tristan approaches. “Impressive piece,” he says, looking down at Arthur’s crotch. I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH. Arthur, bless him, attempts to stay in character. It’s just that Arthur seems to equate simpletons with…well, pirates. “Thankyee, sirrrrrr,” he says, and lets Tristan and Isolde examine the sword. Tristan knows that such magnificent workmanship can only have come from the royal forge of Camelot and wants to know how Arthur got it. Merlin jumps in to tell them he won it in a card game and gave it to Arthur as a present because it makes him feel safe. Like a security blanket, but pointier. A bit menacing, Tristan hopes their story is true, because he’d hate to think he was riding with a Knight of Camelot. He gives the sword back and Arthur hugs it to his chest and responds with another pirate, “Aye.” Ahahaha, I love how different Simpleton Arthur is from Pretending to be Simpleton Arthur, from Real Arthur. Very nicely done, Bradley James.
Isolde scoffs at Arthur being a Knight of Camelot. And Tristan agrees. “The knights may be stupid, but they’re not that stupid.” They walk away to the fake laughter from Arthur and Merlin. Merlin tells his “simpleton” to pack his things and Arthur fake smiles as he leans in. “Call me that again and I’ll run you through.” Merlin assures him they won’t have to keep up the charade for much longer and Arthur wants to know how long…just as an arrow whistles through the air and gets the guy next to them in the neck.
I’m thinking the jig is up now, as Arthur goes into full instinctive Arthur mode by protecting Merlin and ordering him to stay close. Joining Tristan and Isolde behind the wagon, Arthur tells them to run to the trees while he and Merlin cover them. Tristan is all WTF? and wants to stay behind to question Arthur, but Isolde drags him away. Merlin and Arthur start firing their crossbows. Arthur tells Merlin it’s their turn to run for safety and Merlin wants to know who’s going to cover them. “Don’t be a simpleton, Merlin,” Arthur says, and drags him over to where Tristan and Isolde and hiding, just in time to avoid Agravaine.
Isolde is relieved that the bad guys haven’t found their cargo yet, and Tristan tells her it wasn’t the cargo they were after. “Who the hell are you?” he asks Arthur. “
Arthur: “My name is Arthur Pendragon.”
Tristan: Oh fucking great, the fucking King of fucking Camelot. “I’ve lost everything I’ve worked for for some good-for-nothing king!”
Arthur: I call bullshit since you’re a hippie smuggler.
Tristan: “Well, I wouldn’t have to be a smuggler if it wasn’t for your damn taxes, would I?”
Arthur: “Those taxes help protect the people of this land.”
Tristan: “My people are dead.” I AM THE 99%
Merlin: Sorry to interrupt, but…we’re already kind of dealing with one Occupy Camelot movement at the moment so can we maybe save the political debate for another time when, say, THOSE GUYS AREN’T ABOUT TO KILL US ALL.
Bad Guys: Aaaaarrrrrgh!
Arthur: Wait, are they simpletons, too?
The sword-clanging commences and after a bit of action, Isolde is injured. Her attacker is just about to deliver the final blow when Arthur runs him through. Yay, Arthur! Tristan runs to her in slow-mo, as you do. “We had a deal. Partners for life, remember?” Ugh, there’s a bit more sap until Arthur reminds them that they have to keep moving before the next wave of attackers. Tristan isn’t too keen on going anywhere with the King of Camelot, but is talked into it in order to save Isolde, even though Arthur and his kind bring nothing but misery to this land. But of a Debbie Downer, this guy, isn’t he?
Back in Camelot’s dungeons, Morgana pays the captured regulars a visit. They’re all starving, apparently, and Gaius isn’t faring so well. Morgana doesn’t really give a shit, considering Gwaine and Elyan killed a lot of her men. Gwaine walks up to the front of the cell and Morgana arches an eyebrow through the bars. “I think not of myself,” Gwaine tells her, “but of Gaius. He can’t survive long without food.” Wow, these two are hot together, aren’t they? Morgana assures the “handsome and selfless” Gwaine that he shall have some supper…as long as he’s prepared to sing for it. If they make him sing Halleluiah, I’m outta here.
Our two couples stand at the border between Camelot and Lot’s kingdom, and Merlin tells them Ealdor lies on the far side of the valley, about half a day away, so they decide to make camp. Merlin takes Isolde away to make a fire and keep her warm. Arthur offers Tristan a drink from his skin, which is summarily refused, and Arthur is left standing alone on his side of the border, midriff on display for no-one. Heh.
Back at the castle, Gwaine is dragged into the throne room to be surrounded by a lot of roaring men, and one extra roary man for him to fight. Morgana sits back in her throne and enjoys the primetime evening lineup.
Another Arthur/Merlin campfire chat. We are truly spoiled this week. Also, when did Arthur get his cute sandals back? Arthur says that Merlin knew Agravaine was betraying him and Merlin said he had his suspicions but couldn’t be sure - the lying liar. Arthur feels like a fool for trusting Agravaine and being blind to his treachery, just like he was to Morgana’s. Merlin tells him he was deceived and it could happen to anyone. “Yet it keeps happening to me,” Arthur says, a little snappy. Oh,OUCH. And again, we’re back to thinking about MERLIN’S deception and what that will mean to Arthur, especially when Arthur continues to talk about how he has cared about the people who have betrayed him and he doesn’t understand what he’s done wrong to make them hate him. Arthur just really needs a hug and somebody who isn’t going to lie to him. I think Merlin could provide both of these things, if the show would just give us what we all want in the next episode.
Merlin assures Arthur that they don’t hate him, they just want his power for themselves, which leads Arthur to wonder if they’d still want that power if he was the King his people deserved. Well, Morgana, yes, because she’s batshit insane like her father at this point, and who can say what Agravaine’s reasons are, because he seemingly WOULD have been better off keeping Arthur as king and using his close relationship to advise him for his own means - one of the things he was good at until Morgana got too involved.
“All I know,” Merlin says, “Is that for all your many faults, you are honest and brave and true-hearted. And one day you will be the greatest King this land has ever known.” Merlin’s breathing heavily and can’t look Arthur in the eye for long, while Arthur continues to gaze at him, all soft and pleased. He tells Merlin it’s good to know he at least has the support of his servant. “I’m not alone. Believe me,” Merlin says, still a bit worked up, and we leave them both to think it over.
Things are not so quiet and emotional back in Camelot as Gwaine fights the big guy who is unfairly armed with many weapons. After a bit of both physical and verbal sparring, and a whole lot of hair-swishing, Gwaine finally claims victory. Morgana offers him a slowclap, and then the reward of half a loaf of very mouldy bread. She’s not completely mean-spirited, though, and at least gives him the chance to earn some more- this time fighting two of Helios’ men.
Ealdor! The little village is all green and lush and seems to be thriving under Lot’s rule, at least. The trees are in fruit, the geese and ducks look fat and healthy, and there is no sign of any evil bandits anywhere. As the gang enter the village, Hunith rounds a corner, carrying a basket in her arms. Said basket is immediately dropped and replaced with a whole lotta Merlin. “Welcome home, Merlin,” she says and the other three stand aside awkwardly while Merlin hugs his mummy a bit more.
I have missed Hunith a lot, and there is so much I want to see - a conversation about Balinor, some advice about maybe not keeping Merlin’s magic so secret now, another joke about her bad cooking…but what I really want is some Arthur/Hunith screentime. Arthur REALLY needs a mum right now. It’s a shame we’re not going to get any of that.
Inside the hut, Merlin has cleaned Isolde’s wound and can’t see a sign of infection so she should be fine after a good rest. Tristan, eating at the table with Arthur, thanks Merlin for everything he has done for her. Aw, he likes Merlin. Arthur apologies for bringing misfortune upon them, but it seems that Tristan has had time to think things through. “I may have lost my cargo, but I still have my beloved Isolde.” Arthur tells him he is richer than he knows, and his bottom lip gets a bit trembly as we hear a hint of the love theme.
Oh, good to see the full moon shines over Ealdor as well. It also provides a bit of extra light for Agravaine and his men, who don’t seem to sleep at all. They spread out to surround the village.
Merlin and Hunith find time for a bit of a chat. Hunith understands that Merlin’s life in Camelot keeps him away from her, but she worries about him and the dangers he must face sometimes. Merlin gets all cute and muuuuuum! about it and Hunith says she can’t help doing what mothers do. “Well, we are safe here. All of us,” Merlin tells her. *snort* I will say that he looks a lot more grown up next to her than he did last time we saw them together.
Merlin changes the subject by asking, “How’s she been?” She? Who? Hunith tells him that ‘she’ has been doing as well as can be expected, but it takes time to mend a broken heart…and then we cut to the candlelight-framed silhouette of Gwen standing inside a doorway, randomly tacked on to the end of the episode. Merlin and his mum give her some privacy as she moves further inside.
Oh, she’s tending Arthur’s wound. I’m wondering if he was shirtless before or after she arrived. Nice to see Arthur gets a bed this time - no sleeping on the floor beside Merlin for the king! He wakes up as she finishes the bandage and sits up a bit. She says Ealdor was as good a place as any to go to (and also she knew Arthur would eventually visit with Merlin anyway), and that she has missed Arthur. Arthur has missed her, too. They hug with a bit of a violin soundtrack to accompany them. It’s all rather racy for them, what with Arthur mostly naked, and Gwen virtually naked in just a tunic and tights, so we cut back to Merlin and Hunith sitting together on a bench outside.
Cue screaming, as the village is invaded. Agravaine has found them. Somehow, they have enough time to all get dressed and meet up inside but WHERE IS HUNITH? Sending the others out the back, Merlin creates yet another flamey distraction, then follows Arthur, Gwen Tristan and Isolde into the woods. Agravaine sees them, and the chase is on. TO BE CONTINUED.
HUNITH, WHERE ARE YOU? YOU HAVEN’T EVEN HUGGED ARTHUR YET.
Next Week: Dragon! Flames! Arthur back with his knights! (At least we know Percival and Leon are still alive, then.) Merlin looking awed by something glowy! Agravaine discovering SOMEONE has magic (please let that be a red herring.) Old!Merlin with a straw man? Morgana fighting with a sword! Morgana and Gwen fighting each other with swords! Arthur maybe getting knocked out AGAIN. Was that Merlin killing Agravaine? Gwen and Morgana face off. AND OH MY FUCKING GOD ARTHUR IS ABOUT TO PULL THE SWORD FROM THE STONE AND IT IS SO, SO BEAUTIFUL AND I HAVE DECIDED IT IS TOTALLY WORTH GETTING UP FOR ON CHRISTMAS DAY.
P.S. As the finale airs on Christmas morning, my time, and I don't think family and friends (and dog, who has been promised a proper spoiling this Christmas considering his first one was spent starved and locked up by his previous owner) are going to let me get away with locking myself in a room with my computer all day, there is going to be an even bigger delay on the recap. But I have the entire week after that off work, so should find time for it (and the missing ep) at some point.