merlin - the hollow queen
I've just realised how few episodes we have left! Despite anything ranty you may read in this and all subsequent recaps, I'm really gonna miss this show. Expect me to be sobbing and clinging to its ankles at the end.
In a land of myth and a time of really shit security that is getting a bit ridiculous, actually, yet another hooded figure is skulking around Camelot. This one manages to scale a wall to get entry into the city, injuring his arm in the process. Oh, here come some actual guards.
“Sup,” Leon says, striding over to the intruder like a badass. Actually, I ASSUME he said ‘stop’ but it did not sound like that on my initial watch, so I’m going with what I heard because it’s hilarious. Leon, who is walking his badass walk with Gwen and followed by a bunch of random redcapes, demands that the intruder show himself. Aw, it’s a cute boy, I think. “Oh, it’s just a boy!” Gwen says, because we are mind twins this week.
Leon is still suspicious of a boy being out alone in the middle of the night, because Leon still holds the title of actually being good at his job, but Gwen assures him that there is no need for his sword. Excuse me, Gwen, but this is where we differ in opinion. I will ALWAYS have a need for Leon’s sword. (Hey, Leon. Sup. <-- awkward flirting)
The boy kneels in front of Gwen, but she quickly pulls him up and all but pets him on the head and asks where he was going. The boy is out catching frogs, apparently. Frogs?, I think. “Frogs?” says Leon. Hey, new brain twin! “It’s a full moon, Leon,” Gwen says. “We used to do it!” Annnnnnd cue adorable image of wee Gwen and Leon (and Elyan RIP) running around catching frogs and being cute.
But a full moon? What are they, werefrogs? How does a werefrog turn another frog into a werefrog when they have no teeth? This makes no sense. Okay, so a quick google tells me that frogs mate when it’s a full moon. WELL. Given that it’s a full moon every fucking night in Camelot, those frogs must be EXHAUSTED. It’s probably also why the kids of the town have to go out catching them - population control.
And I’m not going to search out a youtube video of frogs mating under a full moon for you, because that just leads to the dark side of youtube that I like to pretend doesn’t exist, so just listen to this instead:
(Some of you may need the cuteness to get through the next scene, trust me.)
After telling the kid to toddle home off to bed, Gwen decides to do the same. When she enters Arthur’s room (I’m still calling it Arthur’s room), she finds the bed decorated with flowers - her favourite - and Arthur overseeing the final touches as Merlin lights candles in the corner. UGH, I know I commented on their lack of passion A LOT but now I TAKE IT ALL BACK. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP.
I CAN’T.
THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.
Sorry, Darren and Kermit, but not even you can help me. I’m calling in the big guns (AKA, that video I cannot watch without tearing up and squeeing every single time):
(I AM NAMING THE OTTERS MERLIN AND ARTHUR AND SOBBING RIGHT NOW.)
Okay, so stuff happened that I am SCRUBBING FROM MY BRAIN and Merlin was an awkward third wheel, Arthur FINALLY THANK YOU JESUS took pity on him and told him to get some sleep, Gwen didn’t like that idea and demanded a hot bath, Merlin wanted everyone to die. Let us never speak of that scene again. OTTERS HOLDING HANDS, YOU GUYS. THAT MOMENT WHEN THEY FINALLY RECONNECT AFTER DRIFTING APART FOR A WHILE. GAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
While Frog Boy walks through the castle using keys that seem to have been placed around especially for him, Merlin is in the kitchen heating water. He takes a break (because damn it, he’s earned it tonight) and proceeds to grope the cook’s buns until he hears a noise. It’s Frog Boy! Frog Boy introduces himself as Daegal and he apparently has a sick sister he needs Merlin to heal. Merlin is understandably cranky at this late hour and tries to dismiss Daegal, telling him to bring his sister to Gaius instead, but Daegal says it’s too dangerous for their kind, and flashes he wrist to show his triskelion tattoo. He’s a Teen Wolf fan, Merlin, you HAVE to help him now! It takes a bit of convincing, given that the sister is all the way out in the Valley of the Fallen Kings, but Merlin ultimately cannot resist Daegal’s puppy charms, and agrees to meet him outside the castle at first light.
Wait, we’re only up to the opening titles and I’ve already flirted with Leon, youtube’d cute animals, made a Teen Wolf reference and had a nervous breakdown. Okay, then.
Merlin busily packs for his trip while Gaius lazes around in bed complaining a lot. It’s pretty cute. Gaius is worried because the Valley of the Fallen Kings is full of bandits and generally bad people and also, he’s pretty sure Arthur is going to notice Merlin is missing at some point. Merlin is confident Gauis will think of a good excuse and besides, some important dude is due to arrive and Arthur will be too busy to even think about Merlin. Gaius gives him a bitch please look and Merlin softens, but he can’t let a poor little Druid girl die, so he heads out and promises to be back by nightfall.
Daegal is waiting for Merlin, who apologises for being late and hands over an Egg McMuffin he picked up from the ride-through on his way. The kid is pretty impressed with Merlin’s kindness as he munches on his delicious breakfast, and asks if he will get in trouble for skipping out on the king. “The king won’t even notice I’m gone,” Merlin says.
“Merlin!” Heh. Okay, this Arthur/Gwen scene is much more adorable. Arthur has a serious case of bedhead and can’t find his comb, despite having looked everywhere, and of course Gwen enters and finds it in five seconds flat. Arthur poutily bounces on the bed as Gwen stands in front of him.
Arthur: “It must have been under something.”
Gwen: “Your nose?”
Arthur: “You just have this way of seeing things.”
Gwen: “Yes, two of them. They’re called eyes.”
Arthur: “And very beautiful they are too.”
Gwen: “Don’t try and get out of this.”
Arthur: “Out of what?”
Gwen: “How hopeless you are.”
Arthur: “I am. I’m hopelessly in love.”
Me: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I can’t help it, their banter is so cute. And then Gwen blocks his kiss by placing the comb between their lips, tells him he needs to prepare for the Sarrum’s arrival, and then PUSHES him back onto the bed. Then with Arthur all spread out in such an inviting manner, she just LEAVES. We are so not brain twins.
Finding himself alone and still adorably rumpled, Arthur goes to Gaius’ chambers in search of his manservant. Gaius makes up some bullshit excuse which has Merlin off on some herb-hunting quest in search of a young, noble but shy plant that could take him all day. Gaius assures Arthur that the plant is invaluable and its properties open up both the liver and the spleen. “He’s in the tavern, isn’t he?” Arthur deadpans. AHAHAHAHAHA. WELCOME BACK, TAVERN JOKES. Gaius’ denial of Arthur’s assumption rises several thousand pitches so Arthur is pretty sure he’s right. “Well, when he’s finished opening up his liver and his spleen, tell him he has exactly one hour to sober up and get to my chambers. We have a guest to prepare for!” And with that, Arthur storms out and I continue laughing.
Trekking through the forest, Merlin hands Daegal his water bottle and notices the arm injury Daegal got from scaling the wall back at Camelot. He makes Daegal stop so he can treat it. They bond a bit, chatting about their respective families (Merlin has Gaius, Daegal has his sister, lots of people are dead) and Merlin is his usual charming, friendly self which makes Daegal go a bit quiet.
Hello there, Arthur’s arse. Nice to see you again. Arthur pulls up his trousers with a LOT of effort and bouncing as Gaius arrives to tell him that Merlin hasn’t returned yet. “How am I meant to get dressed?” Arthur asks. Gaius doesn’t think such a task would be too difficult, and Arthur takes that to mean, ‘I will dress you, Sire, it would be my absolute pleasure.’ And AHAHAHAHAHA Arthur bends at the waist and holds both arms out in front of him, wiggling his fingers when Gaius pauses to, probably, question his life and how it led to this moment.
“Shirt. Quickly,” Arthur instructs, STILL BENT OVER, and, look, logically we know Arthur usually does this himself because we see him do it behind that damned annoying screen all the time, and I guess we should assume that Arthur is just fucking with Gaius here, but I just want to pretend it’s seriously like this every morning. Because I like the idea that Merlin has trained Arthur to BEND OVER to put on a simple shirt because, dammit, if Merlin’s life is going to be boring and repetitive, he’s going to make it AWESOME and repetitive. Like, “Yes, Arthur, I need you to get on all fours and let me ride you like a pony when I comb your hair, or I couldn’t reach that bit that sticks up in the back and your court would laugh at you.”
Meanwhile, out in the forest, Merlin is doing his very best to charm the pants off Daegal by feeding him, even if it means giving up his favourite - apples. “Why are you being like this?” Daegal asks. “People I’ve met, they’re not like you, they don’t care, I don’t matter.” Merlin says to never think that. “We all matter.” <3 <3 <3 Daegal looks very, very guilty. Yeah, he’s totally Merlin-bait.
Gwen sneaks out of the castle using the same key Daegal used to get in and leaves something in a hole at the base of a tree trunk.
Gaius is adding the finishing touches to Arthur’s outfit, noting that Arthur is a bit quiet. It seems that Arthur is nervous about meeting this Sarrum guy because apparently even Uther feared him. “They say he takes joy in impaling men,” Arthur says, terrified.
Ahem. I’m wondering what the problem is, exactly, but then Gaius informs us that it’s not just men, but women and children, too. Ugh, this guy is suddenly less awesome. “He also has a fondness for assassinating his friends.” Delightful! Arthur doubts he and the Sarrum will ever be that close (it’s not clear if he means the friendship or impaling part) but they do share a hatred for Morgana. Gaius says rumour has it that this guy once had Morgana under lock and key, and Arthur is hoping their guest will elaborate on the rumours. Dude. This is the guy who made Aithusa sick? I like him even less. Gaius has concerns about trying to forge an alliance with such a massive arsehole, but Arthur thinks it’s the right thing to do, tactically, for peace in the five kingdoms, even if they don’t agree with his regime. Gaius is impressed. “You are becoming a true statesman, Arthur, I hope you realise that.” Arthur blusters and complains about his ‘idle-brained servant’ for a bit. Bless.
Said idle-brained servant is still on his way to save an imaginary six year old girl and his bait is having second thoughts because Merlin is the most delightful human being he has ever met, while Morgana takes Gwen’s secret letter from the tree trunk and smirks. Merlin hears a noise and sees bandits on top of the embankment. He scurries for cover and uses his magical mind-meld voice to call out and warn Daegal. Daegal doesn’t hear him, which is a bit of a surprise to Merlin, who manages to grab him and save his life just in the nick of time.
Camelot’s welcome party is considerably less hot than usual, with only Arthur, Gaius, Mordred and a bunch of redcapes, hilariously all in various shades of red, to stand in migrating goose formation on the steps of the castle as the Sarrum arrives. Arthur welcomes them with friendship. I’d like to welcome that one warrior next to the Sarrum with a bit more than friendship. The Sarrum notes that Arthur was only ten years old the last time they met, when Uther held a tournament in his son’s honour. Arthur tells him he fights his own tournaments now. The Sarrum leers and says they shall enjoy putting Arthur to the test. Gwen looks on smugly.
The trap is set as Daegal leads Merlin to a clearing. Merlin pretty much knows something is up, because he’s not an idiot, and grabs Daegal’s wrist to see that the tattoo is fading. Imposter! He’s not a real Teen Wolf fan! He can probably watch this entire interview without squeeing once:
Oh, and then Morgana appears and knocks Merlin out. She throws Daegal a pouch of coins and thanks him for his services. It was a brilliant plan, really. Because, as Morgana says, Merlin has a weakness for outcasts, especially Druids. Especially good-looking young Druids who appreciate his cooking. And it appears that Daegal has a bit of a thing for manservants with amazing cheekbones and a delightful bedside manner, so he asks why Morgana is doing this. Merlin has meddled in Morgana’s plans once too often, she tells him. Well, it’s about time, I guess, considering he’s been doing it for YEARS now. She pours a vial of thick black liquid into Merlin’s mouth and tells him that he will be glad when death comes, given the agony he will feel. And then she kicks his body over the embankment. At least he lands sunny side up.
Night falls over Camelot, and Arthur is wining and dining the Sarrum. He asks if the rumours are true and the Sarrum tells him that Morgana is nothing to be feared. “I kept her. Like an animal.” Gwen kind of wants to punch him in the face. Hey, we’re brain twins again. Arthur asks how he captured Morgana, given that she’s a high priestess and Sarrum tells him he found Morgana’s weakness - a baby dragon. “Her love for that creature caused her to suffer more than she ever imagined possible.” Basically, Morgana allowed herself to be captured and held prisoner because the Sarrum threatened the life of Aithusa. “All that power, all that beauty, abandoned and forgotten in a living grave.” Um, couldn’t she have used all that power to save herself and her dragon on the first day? We flash back to Morgana and Aithusa locked in the pit, and Arthur is clearly not a fan of this man and I kind of love him for that. The Sarrum says that a lapse on his part allowed Morgana to escape but her time as prisoner was not entirely wasted. “As the dragon grew, the pit became too small. Gradually the creature was crippled, twisted. At night you could hear its cries. They were even more heartbreaking than Morgana,” he says, heart clearly nowhere near breaking. Arthur is appalled. Gwen takes her leave and retires for the night. I want to open this guy’s liver and spleen with a rusty spork.
Instead of retiring as promised, Gwen rides out to meet Morgana and gives her a big, relieved hug. LOVE. And just when I’m cheering them on, Gwen asks about Merlin and Morgana tells her he’s dead and I remember that I’m meant to hate them. Heh. Gwen has doubts about enlisting a fucking psychopath to help them, but Morgana assures her that it will work. He will think he is controlling Gwen, but won’t count on Morgana being there to turn the tables. They’ll get him to kill Arthur, then the knights will turn on him and make Gwen their queen. Morgana makes Gwen promise that the Sarrum’s last moments are filled with agony. Gwen says it will be her pleasure. Then we pan out from them, still close together in the clearing for a very long time and when the scene cuts, you just KNOW they started making out. That was all kinds of hot and now we know why Gwen was so horny during that scene that shall not be named. All these secret meetings would get a girl a little worked up, okay?
As the morning sun peeks through the trees, Merlin is still at the ‘in agony’ part of the dying process. He wakes long enough to check out the icky looking wound on his leg, cough up some foamy stuff, and try to heal himself with glowy-eyed magic which doesn’t work. Nooooooooo!
Gaius wakes back at Camelot, sitting at the table, presumably after staying up waiting for Merlin to come home. Merlin’s dinner is untouched, his little bed neatly made, and Gaius frets.
Gwen is dressing Arthur this morning and I kind of love that they’re eroticising something that Merlin does for Arthur every single day. Arthur says that Gwen is much better at it than Gaius, and Gwen reminds him that she was a servant. “You were always much more than that,” Arthur lies, and Gwen tightens his straps a little too tight. When she does it again, Arthur winces. “I want Merlin back, where is he?” <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 I feel the same way. All these other people being in the general vicinity of Arthur’s partial nudity does not sit well with me. Anyway, when Arthur admits that he’s worried about Merlin’s disappearance, Gwen suggests that Merlin is probably just overworked (because you make him run you BATHS at fuck-o’clock at night) and says that Arthur should let him enjoy himself. Besides, she tells Arthur, he has more important things to worry about.
More important than Merlin? Arthur, why are you not at least doubting the woman who tried to have Merlin executed last week?
The important things, it turns out, is getting your arse handed to you by the Sarrum’s very attractive warrior. The guy is basically amazing and Arthur basically sucks. I don’t know if he sucks because his armour is strapped on too tight, or if he’s just missing his favourite cheerleader, but Arthur loses. He compliments the victor, telling the Sarrum that his man wields a sword better than any fighter he’s ever met. *cough* Well, maybe Merlin’s not a FIGHTER, exactly, so Arthur could be telling the truth. The Sarrum says that he trained the man himself and perhaps one day he’ll teach Arthur. OH GOD THE DIRTY IMPALING/SWORD WEILDING SUBTEXT IS KILLING ME. Arthur’s eyes ACTUALLY pan over to the hot warrior guy as he says he’d be honoured. Hot warrior stands in the background hoping he’ll get in on that action, too. As do we all. OH. Okay, maybe Arthur’s flirty hearteyes glances are directed at Gwen who is watching from the window, but the camera angle really does make it look like he’s looking at hot warrior guy so that’s what I’m going with. Gwen can be as eye-rolly and smug as she likes.
Gwen pops out to greet the Sarrum as he walks down the corridor saying that his man showed great skill to beat her husband. He tells her that the men of wherever he’s from are “born with swords in their hands.” I guess the women of wherever he’s from are really, really big fans of birth control, then. Because ouch. Gwen gets a bit flirty. “I can’t help but believe that Camelot could benefit from a leader like you. You should have let him die.” The Sarrum dismisses his men and thinks he must have misheard the queen. She assures him he didn’t, so he asks if she’s not happy with her husband. “I’d be happy if he died tomorrow,” Gwen says. KACHING KACHING , say his eyes. He’s still a bit doubtful so she asks him to meet her later that night to talk freely.
Oh no, Merlin is not looking good. The foam has dried to a crust around his mouth, he is very pale and sweaty, and has a nasty cut on the side of his hairline and across his eyebrow. But at least Daegal the fake Teen Wolf fan frogboy is there to provide some company. Daegal pours some water into Merlin’s mouth and Merlin wakes. He doesn’t look all that happy to see Daegal, his stinkface basically saying, “I BET YOU THINK MTV SHOULD HAVE NOTHING BUT MUSIC VIDEOS!” but Daegal is earnest and still adorable and just wants Merlin to tell him what herbs he should go fetch to cure him. Merlin sends him off with a shopping list.
After a bit of Merlin’s writhing around to tense music, Daegal returns with the tincture as instructed and administers it. He tries to offer Merlin more water, but Merlin takes his hand and places it above his heart instead. I don’t know why. Some kind of CPR? To stop it from beating out of his chest? There’s more convulsing and stuff I can’t bear to watch, and then Merlin goes horribly still and Daegal looks horribly sad.
Gaius enters Arthur’s room, looking for Arthur so they can worry about Merlin together. But Arthur is at a meeting, so Gwen and her again lopsided boobs are there to receive him instead. Gaius thinks they should sent out a search party for Merlin but Gwen doesn’t think that’s a good idea, telling him that with the Sarrum there, it would be best to keep the garrison at full strength. Um, we haven’t even seen Gwaine or Percival this week - surely they could take a quick ride through the forest. Gwen tells Gaius that she’ll ask the servants if they’ve seen Merlin, and heads out for the secret meeting.
Ooh, pretty room with light coming through the stained glass windows to make rainbows on the walls. Gwen has a proposition for the Sarrum, that she is sure would be mutually beneficial. He kills Arthur, she gets the throne, he gets 1/3 of Camelot’s lands as thanks. The people will accept this, Gwen tells him, if she assures them that doing so will ensure their protection, and the knights will remain loyal to her. The Sarrum wonders how he will kill Arthur when the king is surrounded by guards at all times. What guards? Anyway, Gwen says the guards will answer to her and she has it sorted. All he needs is an assassin, and he has just the man for the job. Game on.
It’s dark by the time Merlin wakes and Daegal is surprised that he’s alive, but he must have been sitting around waiting for something to happen. He explains that Morgana offered him money and he didn’t know what Morgana intended. After a bit of pushing, Merlin finally gets Daegal to spill about Morgana’s plan - she and Gwen mean to kill the king. LIKE THERE WAS ANY OTHER OPTION HERE. What else did Merlin THINK their plan entailed? Throwing the king a surprise party with cake and pie? But let’s forget about the stupidity because Merlin’s near-death voice is deep and gravelly and heads off the save Arthurs life, new sidekick at his heels. They try to sneak past the bandits’ camp, but Merlin’s gammy leg causes him to slide right down to them in a very noisy manner. Of course. As the bandits surround them, Merlin urges Daegal to run to safety, but he is determined to not leave Merlin this time. OH, I LOVE THIS SWEET, BRAVE BOY. LET’S KEEP HIM.
Merlin and Daegal stand united and Merlin tells the bandits that if they value their lives, they won’t take another step. Daegal throws over his entire payment for betraying Merlin, hoping that will save them, but Merlin refuses to empty his own pockets, giving the bandits one last chance. The head bandit scoffs at the fact that Merlin doesn’t even have a sword. “I don’t need one,” Merlin says, and his glowy eyes work their magic. Daegal gapes. The rest of the bandits scurry away like mice. I fan myself and try not to die from epic hotness.
Skullduggery is afoot throughout Camelot’s halls. Gwen sneakily passes the Sarrum a key, which he sneakily passes to his hot warrior assassin, telling him that once Arthur is out of the way, all that stands in their way is a serving girl who plays at being a queen.
Out in the forest, Daegal is a lot more chatty now their secrets are out in the open. He seems positively giddy about Merlin having magic. In Camelot. He asks if anyone else knows. Merlin tells him that only Gaius does. “Not Arthur?” Merlin tells him no, and he honestly seems just as annoyed and fed up as the rest of us about this matter, but then he adds, “And if he ever found out he would probably hang me,” and most of me dies on the inside. Daegal, like all of us, wonders why Merlin still helps Arthur, if he would kill him. “In his heart, he’s a good man. And I know that one day he will bring about a world that we all dream of.” WHY MUST YOU KEEP DANGLING THIS BULLSHIT IN FRONT OF US LIKE IT MEANS SOMETHING? IT MEANS NOTHING. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. CAN WE JUST ACCEPT THAT MERLIN IS STILL DOING ALL THIS FOR ARTHUR FOR MUCH THE SAME REASON I AM STILL DOING THESE RECAPS - BECAUSE ONCE UPON A TIME WE BELIEVED IN SOMETHING. AND THAT SOMETHING WAS SO PERFECT AND WONDERFUL THAT WE CAN’T LET IT GO, NOT EVEN NOW THAT IT HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM US, AND WE HAVE TO SEE THIS THROUGH UNTIL THE END. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE GOING TO KEEP PRETENDING IT MIGHT STILL HAPPEN. I DON’T BELIEVE WE’LL GET OUR FAIRYTALE ENDING, BUT I DO WANT TO SEE WHAT ENDING WE WILL GET. WHO KNOWS? IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT WONDERFUL. IT MIGHT SUCK. WE’VE COME TOO FAR NOT TO SEE EITHER WAY.
Annnnd, capslock rant over.
Gwen is fixing her hair in the mirror but doesn’t have enough time to adjust her boobs before Gaius and Arthur enter as Gaius is informing Arthur of Merlin’s disappearance. Ha! He snuck past you that time, Gwen! She has to be quick on her feet and makes up a story about Merlin swearing her to secrecy…about going to visit a girl. A GIRL! Gaius is all, bitch please. Arthur is all, what the fucking fuck, a GIRL? Ha! Gwen assures Gaius that there is no reason to worry. “Except for the poor girl,” Arthur adds out loud. And now that everything is sorted, Arthur is more cheerful, especially at the prospect of Gaius helping him get dressed.
Meanwhile, Merlin’s new ‘girl’ is administering first aid to Merlin’s leg. Merlin praises his skill and Daegal thinks he must have inherited it from his mother. She wasn’t a Druid, like he told Merlin back when he was bait, but she had magic like Merlin, and Uther killed her for it. Yep, Merlin is totally falling for this kid. He’s going to bring him back to Camelot and ask Arthur if he can keep him because, after all, it would be good for Mordred to have a playmate.
While Arthur and Gwen head towards their momentous occasion for Camelot in signing the treaty or whatever it is, the hot ass assassin...well, he’s setting up his crossbow and the camera is just focussing on the area from waist to knee as he holds the crossbow in front of his crotch and drags the string back and oh my god, this is totally FILTHY. He fires the thing as a test before we pan up to his face and I AM BLUSHING.
TENSE MOMENTS OF TENSENESS: Merlin and Daegal run/hobble up to the castle. Arthur enters the room of doom. Merlin and Daegal storm into Arthur’s chambers to find them empty. Hot ass assassin keeps walking. As do the royals. Merlin stumbles and Daegal helps him up. Merlin grabs a spear as an OTT walking stick. Hot ass assassin opens a door with his recently acquired key and walks up some stairs. Merlin and Daegal keep walking/limping. Everyone walks around the round table. Hot ass assassin takes his place on the balcony above them. Merlin notices that the door to the stairwell is open when it should be locked, and leads Daegal through. The Sarrum is ready to sign the treaty thing. Hot ass assassin cocks his crossbow. The Sarrum looks up to the balcony. Hot ass assassin is totally hot, you guys. The Sarrum bends to sign the papers. Hot ass assassin’s finger moves to the trigger. Gwen can barely contain her excitement. Daegal and Merlin arrive at the balcony at last. Hot ass assassin is surprised and aims his crossbow at them. He fires. Merlin’s glowy eyes take care of the bolt. Hot ass assassin starts throwing daggers instead. Daegal and Merlin both fall to the ground. The Sarrum is the SLOWEST WRITER EVER, SERIOUSLY. Gwen is growing impatient. Hot ass assassin turns his aim back on Arthur. Merlin magicks the original crossbow straight at hot ass assassin. Hot as assassin’s shot gets thrown wide and hits the Sarrum instead. Hot ass assassin falls against the wall. The Sarrum gets an amazingly hilarious and campy death as Arthur calls for Leon to lead the knights out to investigate. HEY THERE’S PERCIVAL AND GWAINE WITH LEON AND MORDRED - HI GUYS. Gwen thinks, fuck my fucking life. Hot ass assassin is, let’s face it, still pretty hot when he’s dead. Merlin looks over the balcony to ensure that Arthur is okay, then turns to Daegal to celebrate their victory. Daegal shifts to reveal a dagger sticking out of his chest. NOOOOOOOO!
“Did I save Arthur?” Daegal asks. “Did I do something good?” Merlin nods. “Finally, hey?” Daegal says and dammit, this show has got to stop introducing adorable characters, giving Merlin friends, and them TAKING THEM FROM US EVERY WEEK. Somewhere, there is a little slice of the afterlife reserved for Merlin’s friends, where they all meet and reminisce about that one time they met Merlin and died for Arthur in quick succession. I hope they, more than anyone, are happy with the ending we’re going to get very soon. And wherever that place is, Daegal goes to join them. The MUSIC is making me cry, dammit. Merlin whispers again that Daegal did good and my heart aches.
But then Merlin is back on the job, serving Arthur and Gwen. Arthur can’t believe how lucky he was and that he owes the boy his life, without even knowing who he was or where he was from. He tells Merlin to make sure to give him a decent burial. So, what? He serves your meals, looks after your armour and weaponry, cleans your room, does your laundry, fills in as your wife’s handmaiden, dresses you and now he’s your freaking UNDERTAKER? Ugh. Merlin says he will, if Arthur allows him the time. YES, MERLIN! “Oh, Arthur says, “so you can go and visit that girl again?” He’s not jealous, he’s not.
Merlin: “What?”
Arthur: “Giiiirrrrlllll.”
Merlin: “I don’t have one.” BECAUSE THEY ALL DIE.
Arthur: “That’s not what Guinevere tells me.”
Gwen: *smirk*
Arthur: “So! Why don’t you tell us all about her?”
Gwen: *chinhands*
Merlin: “Right.” IT IS ON, GUINEVERE.
Arthur: “And why you’re walking with a limp.” But I’m not jealous, I’m not. It’s just, do I ever make you walk with a limp? No. Not even that time with the fisting a few weeks ago. It wasn’t a girl, was it? TELL ME WHAT HE DID TO YOU. I promise I can be just as good.
Ahem. So Merlin and Gaius give Daegal a nice burial in the woods somewhere. Merlin says his goodbyes and as he leaves, tells Gaius that things with Gwen can’t go on (I mean, he has lost two sweet, adorable friends already, plus the loss of the hot ass assassin still stings) and says they have to do something about her. Gaius agrees. “The question is, what?” And as Merlin thinks over the question, striding back to Camelot, things go all slow-mo and he walks up to and past the camera and MERLIN IS BADASS, OKAY?
NEXT WEEK: Gwen skulks around the castle. And gives Morgana stuff. They’re totally about to make out again. Merlin and Arthur also lurk in the woods together, possibly watching Gwen and Morgana make out. Horses gallop. Aithusa flies. Mordred does…something, I’m sure. Gwen uses baked goods as pillows because she’s totes rich now, plebes. Rocks fall, so does Arthur. Synchronised Merlin and Mordred flying through the air at Morgana’s magic hand. Old Merlin is armed. WITH EXCALIBUR. Scary old hag is scary. Arthur, Mordred, Gwen and Old Morgana at a lake. Gwen’s boobs are about to BE FREE OF THAT GOWN. Merlin wakes. Morgana flies. Aithusa flames. AT MERLIN WTF BB DRAGON? Arthur won’t leave a knight behind but Mordred has given them a chance they can’t throw away, according to Merlin. Yeah, looks like he’s back to his old tricks of trying to kill off Mordred before his time. WHY DON’T YOU JUST BEFRIEND HIM INSTEAD, MERLIN? HE’D BE DEAD IN 3 DAYS TOPS.
In a land of myth and a time of really shit security that is getting a bit ridiculous, actually, yet another hooded figure is skulking around Camelot. This one manages to scale a wall to get entry into the city, injuring his arm in the process. Oh, here come some actual guards.
“Sup,” Leon says, striding over to the intruder like a badass. Actually, I ASSUME he said ‘stop’ but it did not sound like that on my initial watch, so I’m going with what I heard because it’s hilarious. Leon, who is walking his badass walk with Gwen and followed by a bunch of random redcapes, demands that the intruder show himself. Aw, it’s a cute boy, I think. “Oh, it’s just a boy!” Gwen says, because we are mind twins this week.
Leon is still suspicious of a boy being out alone in the middle of the night, because Leon still holds the title of actually being good at his job, but Gwen assures him that there is no need for his sword. Excuse me, Gwen, but this is where we differ in opinion. I will ALWAYS have a need for Leon’s sword. (Hey, Leon. Sup. <-- awkward flirting)
The boy kneels in front of Gwen, but she quickly pulls him up and all but pets him on the head and asks where he was going. The boy is out catching frogs, apparently. Frogs?, I think. “Frogs?” says Leon. Hey, new brain twin! “It’s a full moon, Leon,” Gwen says. “We used to do it!” Annnnnnd cue adorable image of wee Gwen and Leon (and Elyan RIP) running around catching frogs and being cute.
But a full moon? What are they, werefrogs? How does a werefrog turn another frog into a werefrog when they have no teeth? This makes no sense. Okay, so a quick google tells me that frogs mate when it’s a full moon. WELL. Given that it’s a full moon every fucking night in Camelot, those frogs must be EXHAUSTED. It’s probably also why the kids of the town have to go out catching them - population control.
And I’m not going to search out a youtube video of frogs mating under a full moon for you, because that just leads to the dark side of youtube that I like to pretend doesn’t exist, so just listen to this instead:
Click to view(Some of you may need the cuteness to get through the next scene, trust me.)
After telling the kid to toddle home off to bed, Gwen decides to do the same. When she enters Arthur’s room (I’m still calling it Arthur’s room), she finds the bed decorated with flowers - her favourite - and Arthur overseeing the final touches as Merlin lights candles in the corner. UGH, I know I commented on their lack of passion A LOT but now I TAKE IT ALL BACK. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP.
I CAN’T.
THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.
Sorry, Darren and Kermit, but not even you can help me. I’m calling in the big guns (AKA, that video I cannot watch without tearing up and squeeing every single time):
(I AM NAMING THE OTTERS MERLIN AND ARTHUR AND SOBBING RIGHT NOW.)
Okay, so stuff happened that I am SCRUBBING FROM MY BRAIN and Merlin was an awkward third wheel, Arthur FINALLY THANK YOU JESUS took pity on him and told him to get some sleep, Gwen didn’t like that idea and demanded a hot bath, Merlin wanted everyone to die. Let us never speak of that scene again. OTTERS HOLDING HANDS, YOU GUYS. THAT MOMENT WHEN THEY FINALLY RECONNECT AFTER DRIFTING APART FOR A WHILE. GAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
While Frog Boy walks through the castle using keys that seem to have been placed around especially for him, Merlin is in the kitchen heating water. He takes a break (because damn it, he’s earned it tonight) and proceeds to grope the cook’s buns until he hears a noise. It’s Frog Boy! Frog Boy introduces himself as Daegal and he apparently has a sick sister he needs Merlin to heal. Merlin is understandably cranky at this late hour and tries to dismiss Daegal, telling him to bring his sister to Gaius instead, but Daegal says it’s too dangerous for their kind, and flashes he wrist to show his triskelion tattoo. He’s a Teen Wolf fan, Merlin, you HAVE to help him now! It takes a bit of convincing, given that the sister is all the way out in the Valley of the Fallen Kings, but Merlin ultimately cannot resist Daegal’s puppy charms, and agrees to meet him outside the castle at first light.
Wait, we’re only up to the opening titles and I’ve already flirted with Leon, youtube’d cute animals, made a Teen Wolf reference and had a nervous breakdown. Okay, then.
Merlin busily packs for his trip while Gaius lazes around in bed complaining a lot. It’s pretty cute. Gaius is worried because the Valley of the Fallen Kings is full of bandits and generally bad people and also, he’s pretty sure Arthur is going to notice Merlin is missing at some point. Merlin is confident Gauis will think of a good excuse and besides, some important dude is due to arrive and Arthur will be too busy to even think about Merlin. Gaius gives him a bitch please look and Merlin softens, but he can’t let a poor little Druid girl die, so he heads out and promises to be back by nightfall.
Daegal is waiting for Merlin, who apologises for being late and hands over an Egg McMuffin he picked up from the ride-through on his way. The kid is pretty impressed with Merlin’s kindness as he munches on his delicious breakfast, and asks if he will get in trouble for skipping out on the king. “The king won’t even notice I’m gone,” Merlin says.
“Merlin!” Heh. Okay, this Arthur/Gwen scene is much more adorable. Arthur has a serious case of bedhead and can’t find his comb, despite having looked everywhere, and of course Gwen enters and finds it in five seconds flat. Arthur poutily bounces on the bed as Gwen stands in front of him.
Arthur: “It must have been under something.”
Gwen: “Your nose?”
Arthur: “You just have this way of seeing things.”
Gwen: “Yes, two of them. They’re called eyes.”
Arthur: “And very beautiful they are too.”
Gwen: “Don’t try and get out of this.”
Arthur: “Out of what?”
Gwen: “How hopeless you are.”
Arthur: “I am. I’m hopelessly in love.”
Me: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I can’t help it, their banter is so cute. And then Gwen blocks his kiss by placing the comb between their lips, tells him he needs to prepare for the Sarrum’s arrival, and then PUSHES him back onto the bed. Then with Arthur all spread out in such an inviting manner, she just LEAVES. We are so not brain twins.
Finding himself alone and still adorably rumpled, Arthur goes to Gaius’ chambers in search of his manservant. Gaius makes up some bullshit excuse which has Merlin off on some herb-hunting quest in search of a young, noble but shy plant that could take him all day. Gaius assures Arthur that the plant is invaluable and its properties open up both the liver and the spleen. “He’s in the tavern, isn’t he?” Arthur deadpans. AHAHAHAHAHA. WELCOME BACK, TAVERN JOKES. Gaius’ denial of Arthur’s assumption rises several thousand pitches so Arthur is pretty sure he’s right. “Well, when he’s finished opening up his liver and his spleen, tell him he has exactly one hour to sober up and get to my chambers. We have a guest to prepare for!” And with that, Arthur storms out and I continue laughing.
Trekking through the forest, Merlin hands Daegal his water bottle and notices the arm injury Daegal got from scaling the wall back at Camelot. He makes Daegal stop so he can treat it. They bond a bit, chatting about their respective families (Merlin has Gaius, Daegal has his sister, lots of people are dead) and Merlin is his usual charming, friendly self which makes Daegal go a bit quiet.
Hello there, Arthur’s arse. Nice to see you again. Arthur pulls up his trousers with a LOT of effort and bouncing as Gaius arrives to tell him that Merlin hasn’t returned yet. “How am I meant to get dressed?” Arthur asks. Gaius doesn’t think such a task would be too difficult, and Arthur takes that to mean, ‘I will dress you, Sire, it would be my absolute pleasure.’ And AHAHAHAHAHA Arthur bends at the waist and holds both arms out in front of him, wiggling his fingers when Gaius pauses to, probably, question his life and how it led to this moment.
“Shirt. Quickly,” Arthur instructs, STILL BENT OVER, and, look, logically we know Arthur usually does this himself because we see him do it behind that damned annoying screen all the time, and I guess we should assume that Arthur is just fucking with Gaius here, but I just want to pretend it’s seriously like this every morning. Because I like the idea that Merlin has trained Arthur to BEND OVER to put on a simple shirt because, dammit, if Merlin’s life is going to be boring and repetitive, he’s going to make it AWESOME and repetitive. Like, “Yes, Arthur, I need you to get on all fours and let me ride you like a pony when I comb your hair, or I couldn’t reach that bit that sticks up in the back and your court would laugh at you.”
Meanwhile, out in the forest, Merlin is doing his very best to charm the pants off Daegal by feeding him, even if it means giving up his favourite - apples. “Why are you being like this?” Daegal asks. “People I’ve met, they’re not like you, they don’t care, I don’t matter.” Merlin says to never think that. “We all matter.” <3 <3 <3 Daegal looks very, very guilty. Yeah, he’s totally Merlin-bait.
Gwen sneaks out of the castle using the same key Daegal used to get in and leaves something in a hole at the base of a tree trunk.
Gaius is adding the finishing touches to Arthur’s outfit, noting that Arthur is a bit quiet. It seems that Arthur is nervous about meeting this Sarrum guy because apparently even Uther feared him. “They say he takes joy in impaling men,” Arthur says, terrified.
Ahem. I’m wondering what the problem is, exactly, but then Gaius informs us that it’s not just men, but women and children, too. Ugh, this guy is suddenly less awesome. “He also has a fondness for assassinating his friends.” Delightful! Arthur doubts he and the Sarrum will ever be that close (it’s not clear if he means the friendship or impaling part) but they do share a hatred for Morgana. Gaius says rumour has it that this guy once had Morgana under lock and key, and Arthur is hoping their guest will elaborate on the rumours. Dude. This is the guy who made Aithusa sick? I like him even less. Gaius has concerns about trying to forge an alliance with such a massive arsehole, but Arthur thinks it’s the right thing to do, tactically, for peace in the five kingdoms, even if they don’t agree with his regime. Gaius is impressed. “You are becoming a true statesman, Arthur, I hope you realise that.” Arthur blusters and complains about his ‘idle-brained servant’ for a bit. Bless.
Said idle-brained servant is still on his way to save an imaginary six year old girl and his bait is having second thoughts because Merlin is the most delightful human being he has ever met, while Morgana takes Gwen’s secret letter from the tree trunk and smirks. Merlin hears a noise and sees bandits on top of the embankment. He scurries for cover and uses his magical mind-meld voice to call out and warn Daegal. Daegal doesn’t hear him, which is a bit of a surprise to Merlin, who manages to grab him and save his life just in the nick of time.
Camelot’s welcome party is considerably less hot than usual, with only Arthur, Gaius, Mordred and a bunch of redcapes, hilariously all in various shades of red, to stand in migrating goose formation on the steps of the castle as the Sarrum arrives. Arthur welcomes them with friendship. I’d like to welcome that one warrior next to the Sarrum with a bit more than friendship. The Sarrum notes that Arthur was only ten years old the last time they met, when Uther held a tournament in his son’s honour. Arthur tells him he fights his own tournaments now. The Sarrum leers and says they shall enjoy putting Arthur to the test. Gwen looks on smugly.
The trap is set as Daegal leads Merlin to a clearing. Merlin pretty much knows something is up, because he’s not an idiot, and grabs Daegal’s wrist to see that the tattoo is fading. Imposter! He’s not a real Teen Wolf fan! He can probably watch this entire interview without squeeing once:
Oh, and then Morgana appears and knocks Merlin out. She throws Daegal a pouch of coins and thanks him for his services. It was a brilliant plan, really. Because, as Morgana says, Merlin has a weakness for outcasts, especially Druids. Especially good-looking young Druids who appreciate his cooking. And it appears that Daegal has a bit of a thing for manservants with amazing cheekbones and a delightful bedside manner, so he asks why Morgana is doing this. Merlin has meddled in Morgana’s plans once too often, she tells him. Well, it’s about time, I guess, considering he’s been doing it for YEARS now. She pours a vial of thick black liquid into Merlin’s mouth and tells him that he will be glad when death comes, given the agony he will feel. And then she kicks his body over the embankment. At least he lands sunny side up.
Night falls over Camelot, and Arthur is wining and dining the Sarrum. He asks if the rumours are true and the Sarrum tells him that Morgana is nothing to be feared. “I kept her. Like an animal.” Gwen kind of wants to punch him in the face. Hey, we’re brain twins again. Arthur asks how he captured Morgana, given that she’s a high priestess and Sarrum tells him he found Morgana’s weakness - a baby dragon. “Her love for that creature caused her to suffer more than she ever imagined possible.” Basically, Morgana allowed herself to be captured and held prisoner because the Sarrum threatened the life of Aithusa. “All that power, all that beauty, abandoned and forgotten in a living grave.” Um, couldn’t she have used all that power to save herself and her dragon on the first day? We flash back to Morgana and Aithusa locked in the pit, and Arthur is clearly not a fan of this man and I kind of love him for that. The Sarrum says that a lapse on his part allowed Morgana to escape but her time as prisoner was not entirely wasted. “As the dragon grew, the pit became too small. Gradually the creature was crippled, twisted. At night you could hear its cries. They were even more heartbreaking than Morgana,” he says, heart clearly nowhere near breaking. Arthur is appalled. Gwen takes her leave and retires for the night. I want to open this guy’s liver and spleen with a rusty spork.
Instead of retiring as promised, Gwen rides out to meet Morgana and gives her a big, relieved hug. LOVE. And just when I’m cheering them on, Gwen asks about Merlin and Morgana tells her he’s dead and I remember that I’m meant to hate them. Heh. Gwen has doubts about enlisting a fucking psychopath to help them, but Morgana assures her that it will work. He will think he is controlling Gwen, but won’t count on Morgana being there to turn the tables. They’ll get him to kill Arthur, then the knights will turn on him and make Gwen their queen. Morgana makes Gwen promise that the Sarrum’s last moments are filled with agony. Gwen says it will be her pleasure. Then we pan out from them, still close together in the clearing for a very long time and when the scene cuts, you just KNOW they started making out. That was all kinds of hot and now we know why Gwen was so horny during that scene that shall not be named. All these secret meetings would get a girl a little worked up, okay?
As the morning sun peeks through the trees, Merlin is still at the ‘in agony’ part of the dying process. He wakes long enough to check out the icky looking wound on his leg, cough up some foamy stuff, and try to heal himself with glowy-eyed magic which doesn’t work. Nooooooooo!
Gaius wakes back at Camelot, sitting at the table, presumably after staying up waiting for Merlin to come home. Merlin’s dinner is untouched, his little bed neatly made, and Gaius frets.
Gwen is dressing Arthur this morning and I kind of love that they’re eroticising something that Merlin does for Arthur every single day. Arthur says that Gwen is much better at it than Gaius, and Gwen reminds him that she was a servant. “You were always much more than that,” Arthur lies, and Gwen tightens his straps a little too tight. When she does it again, Arthur winces. “I want Merlin back, where is he?” <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 I feel the same way. All these other people being in the general vicinity of Arthur’s partial nudity does not sit well with me. Anyway, when Arthur admits that he’s worried about Merlin’s disappearance, Gwen suggests that Merlin is probably just overworked (because you make him run you BATHS at fuck-o’clock at night) and says that Arthur should let him enjoy himself. Besides, she tells Arthur, he has more important things to worry about.
More important than Merlin? Arthur, why are you not at least doubting the woman who tried to have Merlin executed last week?
The important things, it turns out, is getting your arse handed to you by the Sarrum’s very attractive warrior. The guy is basically amazing and Arthur basically sucks. I don’t know if he sucks because his armour is strapped on too tight, or if he’s just missing his favourite cheerleader, but Arthur loses. He compliments the victor, telling the Sarrum that his man wields a sword better than any fighter he’s ever met. *cough* Well, maybe Merlin’s not a FIGHTER, exactly, so Arthur could be telling the truth. The Sarrum says that he trained the man himself and perhaps one day he’ll teach Arthur. OH GOD THE DIRTY IMPALING/SWORD WEILDING SUBTEXT IS KILLING ME. Arthur’s eyes ACTUALLY pan over to the hot warrior guy as he says he’d be honoured. Hot warrior stands in the background hoping he’ll get in on that action, too. As do we all. OH. Okay, maybe Arthur’s flirty hearteyes glances are directed at Gwen who is watching from the window, but the camera angle really does make it look like he’s looking at hot warrior guy so that’s what I’m going with. Gwen can be as eye-rolly and smug as she likes.
Gwen pops out to greet the Sarrum as he walks down the corridor saying that his man showed great skill to beat her husband. He tells her that the men of wherever he’s from are “born with swords in their hands.” I guess the women of wherever he’s from are really, really big fans of birth control, then. Because ouch. Gwen gets a bit flirty. “I can’t help but believe that Camelot could benefit from a leader like you. You should have let him die.” The Sarrum dismisses his men and thinks he must have misheard the queen. She assures him he didn’t, so he asks if she’s not happy with her husband. “I’d be happy if he died tomorrow,” Gwen says. KACHING KACHING , say his eyes. He’s still a bit doubtful so she asks him to meet her later that night to talk freely.
Oh no, Merlin is not looking good. The foam has dried to a crust around his mouth, he is very pale and sweaty, and has a nasty cut on the side of his hairline and across his eyebrow. But at least Daegal the fake Teen Wolf fan frogboy is there to provide some company. Daegal pours some water into Merlin’s mouth and Merlin wakes. He doesn’t look all that happy to see Daegal, his stinkface basically saying, “I BET YOU THINK MTV SHOULD HAVE NOTHING BUT MUSIC VIDEOS!” but Daegal is earnest and still adorable and just wants Merlin to tell him what herbs he should go fetch to cure him. Merlin sends him off with a shopping list.
After a bit of Merlin’s writhing around to tense music, Daegal returns with the tincture as instructed and administers it. He tries to offer Merlin more water, but Merlin takes his hand and places it above his heart instead. I don’t know why. Some kind of CPR? To stop it from beating out of his chest? There’s more convulsing and stuff I can’t bear to watch, and then Merlin goes horribly still and Daegal looks horribly sad.
Gaius enters Arthur’s room, looking for Arthur so they can worry about Merlin together. But Arthur is at a meeting, so Gwen and her again lopsided boobs are there to receive him instead. Gaius thinks they should sent out a search party for Merlin but Gwen doesn’t think that’s a good idea, telling him that with the Sarrum there, it would be best to keep the garrison at full strength. Um, we haven’t even seen Gwaine or Percival this week - surely they could take a quick ride through the forest. Gwen tells Gaius that she’ll ask the servants if they’ve seen Merlin, and heads out for the secret meeting.
Ooh, pretty room with light coming through the stained glass windows to make rainbows on the walls. Gwen has a proposition for the Sarrum, that she is sure would be mutually beneficial. He kills Arthur, she gets the throne, he gets 1/3 of Camelot’s lands as thanks. The people will accept this, Gwen tells him, if she assures them that doing so will ensure their protection, and the knights will remain loyal to her. The Sarrum wonders how he will kill Arthur when the king is surrounded by guards at all times. What guards? Anyway, Gwen says the guards will answer to her and she has it sorted. All he needs is an assassin, and he has just the man for the job. Game on.
It’s dark by the time Merlin wakes and Daegal is surprised that he’s alive, but he must have been sitting around waiting for something to happen. He explains that Morgana offered him money and he didn’t know what Morgana intended. After a bit of pushing, Merlin finally gets Daegal to spill about Morgana’s plan - she and Gwen mean to kill the king. LIKE THERE WAS ANY OTHER OPTION HERE. What else did Merlin THINK their plan entailed? Throwing the king a surprise party with cake and pie? But let’s forget about the stupidity because Merlin’s near-death voice is deep and gravelly and heads off the save Arthurs life, new sidekick at his heels. They try to sneak past the bandits’ camp, but Merlin’s gammy leg causes him to slide right down to them in a very noisy manner. Of course. As the bandits surround them, Merlin urges Daegal to run to safety, but he is determined to not leave Merlin this time. OH, I LOVE THIS SWEET, BRAVE BOY. LET’S KEEP HIM.
Merlin and Daegal stand united and Merlin tells the bandits that if they value their lives, they won’t take another step. Daegal throws over his entire payment for betraying Merlin, hoping that will save them, but Merlin refuses to empty his own pockets, giving the bandits one last chance. The head bandit scoffs at the fact that Merlin doesn’t even have a sword. “I don’t need one,” Merlin says, and his glowy eyes work their magic. Daegal gapes. The rest of the bandits scurry away like mice. I fan myself and try not to die from epic hotness.
Skullduggery is afoot throughout Camelot’s halls. Gwen sneakily passes the Sarrum a key, which he sneakily passes to his hot warrior assassin, telling him that once Arthur is out of the way, all that stands in their way is a serving girl who plays at being a queen.
Out in the forest, Daegal is a lot more chatty now their secrets are out in the open. He seems positively giddy about Merlin having magic. In Camelot. He asks if anyone else knows. Merlin tells him that only Gaius does. “Not Arthur?” Merlin tells him no, and he honestly seems just as annoyed and fed up as the rest of us about this matter, but then he adds, “And if he ever found out he would probably hang me,” and most of me dies on the inside. Daegal, like all of us, wonders why Merlin still helps Arthur, if he would kill him. “In his heart, he’s a good man. And I know that one day he will bring about a world that we all dream of.” WHY MUST YOU KEEP DANGLING THIS BULLSHIT IN FRONT OF US LIKE IT MEANS SOMETHING? IT MEANS NOTHING. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. CAN WE JUST ACCEPT THAT MERLIN IS STILL DOING ALL THIS FOR ARTHUR FOR MUCH THE SAME REASON I AM STILL DOING THESE RECAPS - BECAUSE ONCE UPON A TIME WE BELIEVED IN SOMETHING. AND THAT SOMETHING WAS SO PERFECT AND WONDERFUL THAT WE CAN’T LET IT GO, NOT EVEN NOW THAT IT HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM US, AND WE HAVE TO SEE THIS THROUGH UNTIL THE END. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE GOING TO KEEP PRETENDING IT MIGHT STILL HAPPEN. I DON’T BELIEVE WE’LL GET OUR FAIRYTALE ENDING, BUT I DO WANT TO SEE WHAT ENDING WE WILL GET. WHO KNOWS? IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT WONDERFUL. IT MIGHT SUCK. WE’VE COME TOO FAR NOT TO SEE EITHER WAY.
Annnnd, capslock rant over.
Gwen is fixing her hair in the mirror but doesn’t have enough time to adjust her boobs before Gaius and Arthur enter as Gaius is informing Arthur of Merlin’s disappearance. Ha! He snuck past you that time, Gwen! She has to be quick on her feet and makes up a story about Merlin swearing her to secrecy…about going to visit a girl. A GIRL! Gaius is all, bitch please. Arthur is all, what the fucking fuck, a GIRL? Ha! Gwen assures Gaius that there is no reason to worry. “Except for the poor girl,” Arthur adds out loud. And now that everything is sorted, Arthur is more cheerful, especially at the prospect of Gaius helping him get dressed.
Meanwhile, Merlin’s new ‘girl’ is administering first aid to Merlin’s leg. Merlin praises his skill and Daegal thinks he must have inherited it from his mother. She wasn’t a Druid, like he told Merlin back when he was bait, but she had magic like Merlin, and Uther killed her for it. Yep, Merlin is totally falling for this kid. He’s going to bring him back to Camelot and ask Arthur if he can keep him because, after all, it would be good for Mordred to have a playmate.
While Arthur and Gwen head towards their momentous occasion for Camelot in signing the treaty or whatever it is, the hot ass assassin...well, he’s setting up his crossbow and the camera is just focussing on the area from waist to knee as he holds the crossbow in front of his crotch and drags the string back and oh my god, this is totally FILTHY. He fires the thing as a test before we pan up to his face and I AM BLUSHING.
TENSE MOMENTS OF TENSENESS: Merlin and Daegal run/hobble up to the castle. Arthur enters the room of doom. Merlin and Daegal storm into Arthur’s chambers to find them empty. Hot ass assassin keeps walking. As do the royals. Merlin stumbles and Daegal helps him up. Merlin grabs a spear as an OTT walking stick. Hot ass assassin opens a door with his recently acquired key and walks up some stairs. Merlin and Daegal keep walking/limping. Everyone walks around the round table. Hot ass assassin takes his place on the balcony above them. Merlin notices that the door to the stairwell is open when it should be locked, and leads Daegal through. The Sarrum is ready to sign the treaty thing. Hot ass assassin cocks his crossbow. The Sarrum looks up to the balcony. Hot ass assassin is totally hot, you guys. The Sarrum bends to sign the papers. Hot ass assassin’s finger moves to the trigger. Gwen can barely contain her excitement. Daegal and Merlin arrive at the balcony at last. Hot ass assassin is surprised and aims his crossbow at them. He fires. Merlin’s glowy eyes take care of the bolt. Hot ass assassin starts throwing daggers instead. Daegal and Merlin both fall to the ground. The Sarrum is the SLOWEST WRITER EVER, SERIOUSLY. Gwen is growing impatient. Hot ass assassin turns his aim back on Arthur. Merlin magicks the original crossbow straight at hot ass assassin. Hot as assassin’s shot gets thrown wide and hits the Sarrum instead. Hot ass assassin falls against the wall. The Sarrum gets an amazingly hilarious and campy death as Arthur calls for Leon to lead the knights out to investigate. HEY THERE’S PERCIVAL AND GWAINE WITH LEON AND MORDRED - HI GUYS. Gwen thinks, fuck my fucking life. Hot ass assassin is, let’s face it, still pretty hot when he’s dead. Merlin looks over the balcony to ensure that Arthur is okay, then turns to Daegal to celebrate their victory. Daegal shifts to reveal a dagger sticking out of his chest. NOOOOOOOO!
“Did I save Arthur?” Daegal asks. “Did I do something good?” Merlin nods. “Finally, hey?” Daegal says and dammit, this show has got to stop introducing adorable characters, giving Merlin friends, and them TAKING THEM FROM US EVERY WEEK. Somewhere, there is a little slice of the afterlife reserved for Merlin’s friends, where they all meet and reminisce about that one time they met Merlin and died for Arthur in quick succession. I hope they, more than anyone, are happy with the ending we’re going to get very soon. And wherever that place is, Daegal goes to join them. The MUSIC is making me cry, dammit. Merlin whispers again that Daegal did good and my heart aches.
But then Merlin is back on the job, serving Arthur and Gwen. Arthur can’t believe how lucky he was and that he owes the boy his life, without even knowing who he was or where he was from. He tells Merlin to make sure to give him a decent burial. So, what? He serves your meals, looks after your armour and weaponry, cleans your room, does your laundry, fills in as your wife’s handmaiden, dresses you and now he’s your freaking UNDERTAKER? Ugh. Merlin says he will, if Arthur allows him the time. YES, MERLIN! “Oh, Arthur says, “so you can go and visit that girl again?” He’s not jealous, he’s not.
Merlin: “What?”
Arthur: “Giiiirrrrlllll.”
Merlin: “I don’t have one.” BECAUSE THEY ALL DIE.
Arthur: “That’s not what Guinevere tells me.”
Gwen: *smirk*
Arthur: “So! Why don’t you tell us all about her?”
Gwen: *chinhands*
Merlin: “Right.” IT IS ON, GUINEVERE.
Arthur: “And why you’re walking with a limp.” But I’m not jealous, I’m not. It’s just, do I ever make you walk with a limp? No. Not even that time with the fisting a few weeks ago. It wasn’t a girl, was it? TELL ME WHAT HE DID TO YOU. I promise I can be just as good.
Ahem. So Merlin and Gaius give Daegal a nice burial in the woods somewhere. Merlin says his goodbyes and as he leaves, tells Gaius that things with Gwen can’t go on (I mean, he has lost two sweet, adorable friends already, plus the loss of the hot ass assassin still stings) and says they have to do something about her. Gaius agrees. “The question is, what?” And as Merlin thinks over the question, striding back to Camelot, things go all slow-mo and he walks up to and past the camera and MERLIN IS BADASS, OKAY?
NEXT WEEK: Gwen skulks around the castle. And gives Morgana stuff. They’re totally about to make out again. Merlin and Arthur also lurk in the woods together, possibly watching Gwen and Morgana make out. Horses gallop. Aithusa flies. Mordred does…something, I’m sure. Gwen uses baked goods as pillows because she’s totes rich now, plebes. Rocks fall, so does Arthur. Synchronised Merlin and Mordred flying through the air at Morgana’s magic hand. Old Merlin is armed. WITH EXCALIBUR. Scary old hag is scary. Arthur, Mordred, Gwen and Old Morgana at a lake. Gwen’s boobs are about to BE FREE OF THAT GOWN. Merlin wakes. Morgana flies. Aithusa flames. AT MERLIN WTF BB DRAGON? Arthur won’t leave a knight behind but Mordred has given them a chance they can’t throw away, according to Merlin. Yeah, looks like he’s back to his old tricks of trying to kill off Mordred before his time. WHY DON’T YOU JUST BEFRIEND HIM INSTEAD, MERLIN? HE’D BE DEAD IN 3 DAYS TOPS.