(no subject)
If I could live forever
I'd be dead now
cast adrift on a memory
of seasons change
and in the waking of the summer
hear the birds sing
of welcome songs for sun rays
and each golden beam
contains your name
a gift for spirits dreaming
of hope and all that walks
within the mind
and how we talk
but even dreams are doomed to die
within the stillness of the eye
of morning coffee
stimulation
hazards of the occupation
of being nothing but the mind
and all inside that you can't hide
within a solitary tear
Even I'm kinda crazy
not just me
my whole life
no wonder I ended up so screwed up...
I mean look at me...
Who am I?
What am I?
Do I even classify as a 'person' ?
Why am I asking you?
You don't know me or my life do you?
All you've had are little glimpses in crazy words...
Another city...
Another time...
My lungs felt like they were going to burst
I felt like I had no breath left inside me
my legs felt like they had turned to sticks of...
they had no strength
but still they carried me on
further
further
further
The sound of heavy breathing behind me had disappeared long time past
but I still didn't dare turn around
I still figured I needed to turn a corner or two before I'd feel safe
so I ran
and ran
and ran
and then I turned a corner
leapt over a fence and found myself in a dark garden
this would do
I dived to the ground
I looked around
nothing
darkness
I slid closer to some bushes
and hugged their shadows
the moon wasn't bright that night
but it gave off enough light to give me shadows to hide in
I lay there begging for my breath to regulate
it probably wasn't that loud
but I could hear it panting
and my heart thumping against the silence of the night
I waited and waited
maybe they would still come
maybe I'd hear them any second
I had to keep quiet
I had to keep still...
It had all happened so fast
the night had been a good night up until the fight
that hadn't been good
but Robert had really been the cause of that
I loved that guy but he was one crazy mother fucker
you know I'm as anti-facist as the next guy
but you don't deal with the problem of racism by going into skinhead bars and getting beaten up and
he knew that that was a skinhead bar and he'd led me in their
my face...
fuck...
I can only imagine my face when we walked in that bar
A black guy and his crazy friend walking into a neo-nazi bar
Robert had strong beliefs
but he was gonna get us killed one day
Actually the bar hadn't been that bad
everyone and everything flew at us at once
and sometimes that works in your favour
you go try and hit a guy at the same time as 100 other people
it ain't as easy as it looks
and your less likely to do damage as ten people having a concentrated and organised assault on you
and that was the problem
when we left the bar
flying through the door
we were followed onto the street
I ran
Robert didn't
I got as far as the corner
but I was aware I wasn't alone
so I turned and looked back
he was taking a hammering
so I turned back
was I crazy?
I figure I was
but I couldn't leave him alone
I could see the beating he was taking
his head smashing against the wall
blood spraying everywhere
you should watch a good beating some time
you really do see the bones breaking
he was in trouble
one eye was already closed on him
several ribs appeared broken
his legs had gone and he looked in a bad way
so I turned back and ran at the crowd
fuck knows what I was intending to do
I don't think I had a plan
I don't think I was thinking
this was an adrenaline moment
one of those times you just grit your teeth
scream
and run
I flew into the pack
fists flailing
legs kicking
screaming
jumping
swinging
I don't know what I was doing
if I was doing any good at all or just looking like a deranged maniac
then there was a moment of silence
o there was noise
but I didn't hear it
the world went slow motion on me
I became aware of the fact that Robert was up the street and disappearing around a corner
Some how he'd got away
and now I was alone
with a group of extremely dangerous
violent skinheads that I had just attacked
that wasn't good....
And then the noise returned
and things sped up again as I felt a fist to the side of my head
I looked around
saw a gap
leapt for it and ran
and ran
and ran
My lungs felt like they were going to burst
I felt like I had no breath left inside me
my legs felt like they had turned to sticks of...
they had no strength
but still they carried me on
further
further
further
The sound of heavy breathing behind me had disappeared long time past
but I still didn't dare turn around
I still figured I needed to turn a corner or two before I'd feel safe
so I ran
and ran
and ran
and then I turned a corner
leapt over a fence and found myself in the dark garden...
I was not happy the next time I met Robert...
but...
I was not happy in that city...
Another night...
Another beating...
Every time I tried to stand up
I fell down again
this was not good
this was not where I wanted to be
and this wasn't drug induced paranoia...
It had started as a good night
I'd gone downtown for a few drinks and a bit of fun
there was a lot of people out
and I like to mingle
especially when I've had a bit and I'm the other side of healthy
and in one bar
or another
I found a couple of nice girls to talk to
well...
I don't know how nice they were
but they looked good
and they laughed when I told a joke
what more does a guy want when he's off his head?
but then Danny and Slater turned up
and one of the girls liked Slater...
If I'd had brains that's when I should have left
but when a man is drunk
and thinking with his dick
his brains shrink rapidly
mine had shrunk to nothing
I stayed
we talked some more
we drank a lot more
did some drugs
and got louder and louder
I was nervous about Danny and Slaters presence
but they seemed to be behaving themselves
so when one of the girls said
'hey, lets go back to my place to party'
I was stupid enough to go...
Things went smoothly for...
o all of 30 minutes
just enough for me to drink to much
so that I was no longer in control of my body
and then the action kicked off
Danny went off to...
the bathroom I think he said
and as he left Slater said something to him and stormed out the apartment
the girls laughed
I went to leave
but...
Every time I tried to stand up
I fell down again
this was not good
this was not where I wanted to be
and this wasn't drug induced paranoia...
Slater stormed back in again
he was carrying a sawn of shotgun
and looking mighty angry
he called out
'Danny get your ass in here'
Danny appeared
I wondered if Danny was in trouble
but it wasn't going to be as easy as that
Slater turned to me
pointed the barrels at me and said
'OK cunt
you touched my girls ass getting out the car didn't you'
The girl stood up
'I'm not your girl' she said
to which Slater replied by wrapping the butt of the shotgun across her skull and knocking her out cold
it was her last contribution to the conversation
Danny laughed
I got more scared...
'well cunt?'
He asked
I looked at him
my lips were moving
but no sounds were coming out
I don't think I had anything to say
but I was trying
'On your feet'
I wish it was that easy I thought
the fear factor was clearing my mind
but the drink was still in control of my body
I tried to stand
fell
and Danny kicked me in the head
I think it knocked me out
but it can't have been for long as I heard the next sentence...
Danny helped me up
(if helped is the right word) and dragged me to the door
they dragged me out side and propped me against the wall
Slater watched over me while Danny went back inside to pick up the girl that was still conscious
she'd screamed when her friend had been knocked out
and had wept kneeling over her body since that moment
but there seemed to be no tears or screams left as Danny dragged her outside
I don't know if it was fear
or if she was just blown away by everything that was happening
'What you bringin' her for?'
Slater asked
Danny laughed
'I'm not
I just want some fun'
he said
Danny laughed a lot
even though few people ever got the joke
I felt sick
not from the drink but because I knew what he meant...
I was to be Slaters fun
My date was to be his...
The next ten minutes both flew passed
and crawled
it was unpleasant for me
but probably way worse for the girl I was with
Slater and Danny dragged us down to the car
I had my legs kicked from under me
and Slater watched over me with his shotgun
while Danny laughed
'Well hurry up cunt'
Slater said
and Danny duly obliged
he raped her there in the parking lot
a 5 minute fuck of anger and hate
before she was forced into the trunk of the car
and the trunk locked behind her
this to Danny was the funniest moment of the night so far
to me?
It just increased the fear factor
Fuck it man
why hadn't I left way back when we were in the bar?
They marched me down the street
I was still stumbling a little but between the cold night air
and my total fear I was sobering rapidly...
We walked about two blocks before we reached their destination
a Taxi company's offices
Slater waited outside with me
(and the gun)
While Danny went inside
I assume he ordered us a cab as one turned up moments later and I was bundled inside
I didn't really see where we went as I was made to get on the floor
and so all I saw was darkness...
After...
ten minutes?
of driving around the left hand rear door was opened and my head was pushed out
my nose was inches from the surface of the road and I could feel the breeze from it as we passed over it
I don't know how fast we were doing but...
next time you go out driving stick your head out the door at ground level and look at the road beneath you
it looks fast
and it looks fuckin' scary...
I heard the driver shouting something
him being told to shut up
and then silence
except for the car on the road
this was really freaking me out
I tried to close my eyes
but for some reason I couldn't
then I heard Danny laughing
was it a joke?
Was it going to be OK?
no...
Next thing I know I was forced out the car as it was still travelling
from a moving car at floor level to the street below you
how long does that take to fall?
it can't take long
I'm sure
but as I saw that surface approaching it seemed to take an age
maybe two ages to bridge the gap between the car
and the impact that would send me into unconsciousness...
I don't know how long I lay there unconscious in the snow
medical records said it was all night
but I don't know when we left or how far into the morning it was when they picked me up
in fact I don't know anything about anything until the following evening when I finally came round...
I had serious injuries
and my confidence was shot
it was a long time before I went out drinking again
The second time I went out drinking after that night I felt a thwack on my back
I turned around and Slater was standing there
'hey fucker
took any good rides lately?'
he laughed
like it was all fun
he even bought me a drink
fuckin' psycho...
I left town the next night...
Now some people who know this story have said to me
'hell if it was me...'
and then they tell me they would have done this
or they would have done that
but those guys ain't never met a guy like Slater
I mean...
I do know of a couple of guys once
beat the crap out of him
beat him within an inch of his life
he was in hospital for weeks afterwards
and then when he got out of hospital he disappeared for a while
but then...
one dark winter night
around 3 am on the Sunday morning
the two guys left a club and went to get their car
they walked round the corner from the club and down the alley
there was one of those industrial dumpster, skip things there
the lid flew open
Slater stood up
shot them both dead
according to the story Slater got in at about 6pm
and sat there in the garbage for about 9 hours waiting for them
you see?
Slater doesn't lose
he's determined
there is only one way to beat him
and I ain't no killer...
To do anything would have been suicide...
Yeah...
I never liked that city...
So I took a train out of town...
I was still injecting back in those days
so I boiled myself up a fix
shot up
and laid back...
Winds come whistle
howl across the vista
of the imagination
sprinkled dreams of
star like qualities
tender mercies
lost inside a vision
that was laying on an empty seat
in some train or another
travelling to another town
that no ones ever been to
or ever will again
changing as it does
with every shifting grain of sand
scattered by the breeze
and if a tear should wake the dead
and grant them dreams anew
then maybe we'll dance again
maybe me and you...
I got off the train at the wrong stop
it was a paranoia thing
it's one of the downsides of drug abuse
sometimes
under the influence
you get these mental aberrations
I felt paranoid
there was no danger
but...
because of some irrational fear I found myself miles from where I was meant to be
on a cold night...
residual feelings
laid out upon the carpet
like a mocking bird
I walked out of town
there was nothing there for me
and wandered into the darkness
I got maybe five miles before tiredness
and junk sickness kicked in
so I walked through a gate at the side of the road
and into a field
to look for somewhere to rest and...
I spied a barn across the field
and walked over
and inside...
I sat down and...
well...
what does a junkie do?
what was I?
what...?
'I am here
I am me
I am...'
I kicked off my shoes
lay my head on a pile of straw
and closed my eyes...
'I'll sit here
alone in silence
waiting
waiting
the night is so long
the darkness so deep
'till the morning comes
'till the sunrises
I'll stay here
waiting for the dream
thinking
thinking
the night is my canvas
the darkness my mind
'till the morning comes
And as the sun rises
I rub my eyes
I'm tired
I'm confused
morning brings reality
morning brings the truth
the truth is the day
but the day brings the night...
'I'm still here'
Waiting
waiting
'till the morning comes
'till the sun shines
I'll sit here
alone in silence'
It was a fitful sleep
full of dreams
and visions
of then
and now
and in between
full of people I knew
and those I didn't
places I've been
and places I've never even seen
it was a fitful sleep
and not for one minute
did it calm me
or comfort me...
I stretched
stood up
and walked over to the door
opened it
and wandered out
rubbing the sun out of my eyes
It was early
I don't know what time
but early
a cold one
I was hungry
I don't think I'd eaten for about two days
so I walked back into the town
found myself a little cafe that was open
and got myself a coffee and a donut
I was also hungry for junk
the pains were kicking in
but this was a small town
small towns are bad for connecting in
there is junk there
but...
the world of a junkie
in a small town is more...
private
it's not about street corners
connections
the life of the hustle
small town junk is about being holed up in a room
private highs
private pains
private junk...
so I figured it was a waste of time trying to connect here
it could take time
and I didn't have time
so I figured to head out to my original destination
I walked back out of town again
this time I headed to the highway
stood there with my thumb out
just waiting
I was there a long time
the road was empty
I only saw one or two cars
and they didn't even look at me
so it was with great relief when someone finally did stop
He asked me where I was going
and I told him
he told me he was going most of the way
and could drop me off at his turn off
so I climbed in
and rode the highway...
Paste it up black
on a journey
cuz the road ain't pretty snows
and all the beauty shows
ain't in this state
and the path you take
and the turn you make
and catch you for a twenty
cuz there's always that choice
Left
by the side of the road
watching hope disappearing into the distance
Left
feeling cold
wondering what will make a difference
And the road winds through tree lined corridors
sight lines only wander
for so far
and then a wooded wall
of redwoods
spaced
but unrevealing
in their density
holding secrets
holding secrets
And the gray of day
slides slowly across the sky
as it fades to dusk
and then again
to night
and blackened skies fill the mind
with dark thoughts
foreboding...
The noises fuel imagination
forest noise
outside noise
natural
but unnatural sounding
echoed cries of...
echoed cries of...
And dank smells
fill the lungs
with dampened hope
and though this place is beautiful
by night it's frightening
by night it's somewhere else
sometime else
something else
A slow
careful walk
winds you down the road
step
by step
by careful step
creeping forward
as you listen to the breeze
as you watch the darkness
step
by step
by careful step...
Memories...
I'm not a forest man
though I recognise
and appreciate it's beauty
but it holds to many fears for me
to many memories
I was born to the ocean
to the great blue
to the deep...
There never was a moment when the bell wasn't tolling
when the tide wasn't rolling
in and out
the perpetual motion of existence
crashing 'pon the rocks of...
there never was a moment when the bell wasn't tolling
Some days saw more ships than others
some days would be filled with blue skies and the activities of the waters would create a vista of energy
a hive of activity
that would lead the mind to wander along the shipping routes
where from?
where to?
and all the world was smaller
for it's vastness
crammed within a dream
a thought
a momentary blinking of the eye
Other days the waters were empty
and it was just me and the ocean
a secret rendezvous of man and nature
blessed with a moment of tranquillity
that allowed the thoughts to float in comfort on the eddies
ripples
and gently breaking waves
no distractions here
but my own thoughts
There wasn't many of us who worked in the warehouse
but the few who did work there all seemed to know the unwritten rules
when it was time for peace
it was time for peace
when it was time for action
there was action
I don't think
in all my time there
any body ever asked for space
or went in search of company
it just seemed to work right...
Early shift was my favorite
and not just for the bonus of the over time pay
although that was never to be sniffed at
I liked the fact that we were there early to greet a ship
but if we motored on the job
we could have it out of there
and then have the early morning ocean to our selves
How could that not sound good?
Paid extra to be alone with the early morning ocean
paid to watch the morning sun rise
spilling it's colors onto the blues and greens and grays
of her majesty the ocean
Yeah
I liked the early shifts...
There never was a moment when the bell wasn't tolling
when the tide wasn't rolling
in and out
the perpetual motion of existence
crashing 'pon the rocks of...
there never was a moment when the bell wasn't tolling
Times were good back then
'till someone cracked down on the casual and illegal workers
regulations
legislation
organisation
god damn centralisation
then the jobs were gone
sometimes I still sit by the ocean
I still enjoy the vistas
the memories
but I just don't get paid for it any more...
I'd trade the nights forest
for the morning ocean
any day...
I know others would disagree
but to each his own
his own dreams
and his own nightmares
been they in his past
in his future
or his imagination...
Never was so lonely as the night
with all it's dreams of yesterday
encapsulated within a moments hesitation
and then tomorrow dawns
a new year...
step
by step
by careful step...
Confusion reigns
in night time tiredness
kissing chaos
with dreams
or nightmares...
I sat by the road
tired
and weary
lost in the darkness
my feet were on the road
but my mind wasn't
it had wandered into a thousand pasts...
Night is a funny time
strange beyond reason
it can bring joy
or misery
or a mixture of both
I know the day can bring the same
but the night colors it differently
etching it in a different corner of the memory
Dark
Dark
Dark
All the time tired
all the time waiting
all the time wanting
but frozen to my roadside seat
I could have slept
I maybe should have slept
but I was hypnotised by the thoughts rushing through my mind
of times
of places
of memories
memories trapped inside my daily living
thoughts that shaped me
made me what I was
even if I didn't know what that was
I saw a truck roll past about midnight
I watched the lights
at first broken
splitting the wall of trees
then whole
and bright
and heading toward me
the low hum of an engine
metamorphisising into a roar as it approached
the lights becoming blinding twin moons
against the black of night
and the bass line of music as it passed
and then I watched it fade
turning to silence
as it's red eyes rushed wearily into the future
destined for somewhere
or for nowhere
who knows...
it was their adventure
not mine...
Widows sing
in night time breezes...
I closed my eyes
and ran my hands against my damp rock seat
touch is often underrated
but I opened my eyes again sharply
when the sensation of the rock only served as a reminder
of long ago
of the stench of...
how can you describe that smell?
Take a male locker room
mix it with an old folks home
roll in a good portion of fear
and multiply by a million
and maybe
just maybe
you might get a whiff of the forest
of the dark
of...
So often we close our eyes to hide internal
from external nightmares
but what if the nightmares lie within?
what if the nightmares are dark memories
are our knowledge
what if we know the nightmare still lives on somewhere
we've only escaped the here and now
not the past
and maybe not the future?
Tangled up in memories
deceptions
perversions
of the natural flow
river running ragged through the mind
meander
meander
Dark
Dark
Dark
I've crossed a thousand deserts
in my mind
some through days
some through nights
but still I stand at the entrance
at the gateway
waiting
waiting
And all who follow lead
and all who lead follow
and all that is was before
and is again tomorrow...
I looked behind me at the wall of black
the place I knew the trees were
and wondered
would it always be this way?
would I always be this way?
Stranded on a lonely highway
dark of night
grasping at memories I'd rather lose...
I wondered
would I ever fly again
as I did
as child
as...
Coyote bit the moon
rabid howl of despair...
I stood and wandered back to the road
stumbled on
heading nowhere
running
running...
I've never been heading anywhere
I've always just been leaving...
step
by step
by careful step...
I wandered all night
and I don't know how far I got
probably not that far
you don't travel far when you use the slow crab walk
step
by step
by careful step...
As the morning sunlight broke through the trees
with dabbled announcements of day
I stuck my thumb out again
hoping that today would be more successful than yesterday
but it wasn't
so that day I ended up walking most of the final thirty miles into town
but that was OK
I don't mind walking
the pedestrian sees so much more of a city
the driver is confined to the road
but the walker has no such limitations
and I've never been a big driver...
I've been to some cities
in the past
and I've been friends with petrol heads
and car junkies
and they might have lived in the city for a hundred years
but within weeks
or even days
I can show them places in their city that they've never even dreamed of
How can they be so blind?
Silent years
spent hiding
fingers crossed
that nightmares
will gently fade away
hoping that a storm cloud
is just for Christmas
and not for life
Are you capable
of offering a flower
or floating on wings
of diamorphic rainbows?
Are you capable
of living as a song
in everlasting summer
at the end of perfect springs?
It was a cold night
and I didn't want to hang around in it
so as soon as I hit town
I wandered straight to a bar
It's good to have friends
it's good...
but when you are a stranger in town
a bar is the best substitute...
'Water dream
of summer city
drifting streets
singing songs of...
and all the while
foot tapping down the line
Itchy feet
a wander
dusty road
tear draped night
singing songs of...
and all the while
foot tapping down the line
and every whistle
sends a shiver
and every whistle
tweaks a dream
from yesterday
and ain't no song
ever sung the beauty
with the pain
and all the blues
ain't the hue of night
and all your tears
flow a different way
and all the kisses
taste a different flavor
illusion mathematicians
twisting minds
with advert lines
of buy
bye
bye
Water dream
of summer city
drifting streets
singing songs of...
and all the while
foot tapping down the line...'
She sang
and my heart listened
alone in the corner
hidden in shadows
hidden in my tears
and all the while
I hung on every note
and every word
and every song she sang for me
invisible in the crowd...
I lit a cigarette
leant back
and closed my eyes
living through her
living through the moment
living through my past
in fading memories
and dreams
holding hopes
that never could be
never should be
cuz comfort takes the edge of the meaning of my life
And I spoke a thousand silent words to her
hidden in the recesses of my mind
left to gather cobwebs
while my cowards heart hid on
living in her voice
illegal alien...
Night drifted to a shallow end
she left on a musical cloud
drifting in the night air
I left on my lonely feet
following the beat
of her dreams
kissing the cool night air
and dreaming
in hues of blue
dreaming of the nights
that won't be
can't be
shouldn't be
An empty
secret note
passed from my heart
to a cloud filled
summer night sky
-Tell the singer
the female singer
in the lonely bar
that I love her
even though
we've never met-...
I hung around the bar for a while
I'd heard it was a good place to connect
and so it proved...
He was a tall guy
but no meat on him
his hair was long
black
and unkempt
and he sat down next to me
he asked me if I was looking to score
I told him I was
and we conducted a little bit of business
then I excused myself and headed to the bathroom
and set myself up with a hit
I didn't have much
it was more of a taster
I didn't want to get to wasted before I'd found a room
I just wanted to feed the hunger
dull the pain...
When I came out of the bathroom I was surprised to find the guy still sitting at my table
that was unusual
I was young
he was young
young people tend to hustle and move
partly cuz they need to
and partly because of that paranoia thing again
I didn't mind though
new guy in town
I could use the company
so I introduced myself
with a fake name
and he told me his name was Ziggy
or Zippy
or something with a Z...
We talked a little
not to much really
I was to busy soaking in the sounds from the jukebox
it's funny
that night sticks in my mind
even though it was quite unremarkable
I can still remember exactly what was played that night
every tune
in exact order
it's weird how that works isn't it?
It had come up in conversation that I was going to have to leave soon to look for a room
he told me I could stay at his
I guess it made sense
so we left for my new 'home'...
His place was much the same as the every other 'alternative' persons house I'd been in
it's one of life's strange contradictions
but nine out of every ten 'alternative' people follow a fashion identical to all the other 'alternatives'
so most of them end up exactly like the sheep that they hate
that they spend forever attacking
I often wonder if they really hate the sheep
or if they just can't fit
maybe if they were more...
more something...
I don't know
I just wonder if many of them would become sheep if they could...
who knows?
Now I sound really bitchy after that
there's a lot of cool people out there
I don't mean to be horrible or nothing
I'm just saying that there are a lot less individuals
a lot less dynamically unique people out there
then a lot of people think
we are all different
individual
unique
but very few people are THAT different
that is a rarity
and Ziggy wasn't that rare
but he was a good guy
and over the years
whenever our paths have crossed
since that first meeting
he has been a good friend
And Ziggy
if you ever get to read this
thank you for all the times
and all the places...
I remember this one time
I was sent to jail for fraud
it was a credit card thing
it was just a short stretch
the card had been used to death but they could only connect me to the one count
so I didn't have long to do
and it was quite an easy stretch
I mean...
Jail ain't ever 'fun'
but...
it's full of drugs
and if you keep your head down
know who's who
and what's what
then it ain't hard
and you can have the occasional laugh
Anyway...
they dumped me in this cell
then in the morning when they let me out I found that Ziggy was in the cell next to me
now it was his local so he knew who was who and sorted me out
helped me make the right connections and everything
watched my back
it helped a lot
in fact everything went fine until two days before my release date
I wanted a blow out for me and the guys before I was let out
so I went to buy myself a little bit of merchandise
but I wanted to keep it as a surprise so I went to someone different
a young guy
big mistake...
I was stupid
careless
I trusted to much
handed the money over first and got burnt...
it was no big deal
we weren't talking a fortune or anything
and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it
partly cuz the young punk was a lot bigger than me
he was a man mountain
and partly cuz I was getting out in two days
I didn't want risk anything for a few bucks
but Ziggy found out
and...
well he don't like to see a friend ripped off
so he took revenge...
He got an extra 12 months for it
Now...
if Ziggy had talked to me first I would have told him not to do what he did
I would of gone to great lengths to stop him
but...
Even though I don't condone his actions
or the violence
I must admit to feeling touched that he was willing to do an extra 12 months for my sake
it's nice to know people can care that much...
Life...
It's a bit like paradise
but without the humor
it's a bit like summer
on a rainy day...
Inside the dark room
were three dusty little drawers
and inside the middle drawer was a little spider
cowering in the corner
and inside the spider was...
who knows what was inside the spider?
I just know the spider was in the middle drawer
in the dark room
in the dirty building
in a rotten part
of a rotten town
in this 'civilised' land of ours
in a world
that often doesn't care
and for every spider
there's a man
with a dusty drawer
and a forgotten dream
that got shattered
in the darkest corner of his mind
and that's life...
Ziggy looked after me well
I enjoyed staying at his place
but after a month or two
the itchy feet got the better of me
and I headed out
back on the road
Ziggy had done me proud
he'd been a friend
and more
but this wasn't what I was looking for...
But then...
What was I looking for?
I've never really known
what it is I want to find at the end of the rainbow
I know why I hit the road
I was pushed onto it by life
but I've never really known what I was looking for in the way of an exit sign
anything?
something?
nothing?
I guess a lot of what I'm searching for is all the things I've never had
the family
the love
whatever...
maybe one day hey?
maybe one day I might find a place that looks like home
but Ziggy's was not that place
I found the friendship there
but I knew it was a dead end street
a place of midnight blues
I knew I would just end up out of my head day and night
going nowhere
but in endless circles
and I want something more than that
I do want to achieve something
but I'm just not sure what...
Circles hey?
Circular motions
of rambled nothings
moving nowhere
saying nothing
talking just because it's dark
and I don't want to be alone...
You can never hide from the truth
it's in your every day
it's in every way
you think
and move
that's the truth
you can never run from...
So I packed my bag
and one night
when the place was empty
I slipped silently out the door
I never was a great one for goodbyes...
I'm back
I'm me
I'm going to live for ever
watch me...
One for the road
lightning strike
pure gold
illusion
I'm back
I'm me
I'm going to live for ever...
The street was washed clean by rain
wet and beautiful
shinny
shinny
And the warm air lifted me
summer rains refresh so much
touching something that nothing else can reach
And I walked
and walked
going nowhere
with my headphone companion
The streets were busy
full of cars heading somewhere secret
and I raced them
at the interchanges
until we reached the leafy sides of town
Backpacked warrior
on a road to nowhere
headphone back track
and the feel of cooler summer
My shadow kissed the walls
dappled by their tree lined fantasy
suburban myth
secret kiss
of we're more civilised...
I stood on the final corner
waiting
and contemplating
navels
of fluff filled hopes
that drifted long ago
but I never saw it go
from my star eyed crows nest
And I waited
And I waited
And I waited
'till the cars saw me
standing there
being...
someone to touch
someone to be
someone to avoid
someone to meet
someone...
I climbed aboard
the mystery train
shut the door
to the outside world
and drifted
into the sound of the road...
The story of my life is a story of a road
a journey
a meandering voyage
from birth to death
with stops along the way
I guess it's the same for everyone
just some of us walk more physical roads
where as others travel their journeys in the confines of their minds
or within the struggles of domestic life
who knows?
I'd be dead now
cast adrift on a memory
of seasons change
and in the waking of the summer
hear the birds sing
of welcome songs for sun rays
and each golden beam
contains your name
a gift for spirits dreaming
of hope and all that walks
within the mind
and how we talk
but even dreams are doomed to die
within the stillness of the eye
of morning coffee
stimulation
hazards of the occupation
of being nothing but the mind
and all inside that you can't hide
within a solitary tear
Even I'm kinda crazy
not just me
my whole life
no wonder I ended up so screwed up...
I mean look at me...
Who am I?
What am I?
Do I even classify as a 'person' ?
Why am I asking you?
You don't know me or my life do you?
All you've had are little glimpses in crazy words...
Another city...
Another time...
My lungs felt like they were going to burst
I felt like I had no breath left inside me
my legs felt like they had turned to sticks of...
they had no strength
but still they carried me on
further
further
further
The sound of heavy breathing behind me had disappeared long time past
but I still didn't dare turn around
I still figured I needed to turn a corner or two before I'd feel safe
so I ran
and ran
and ran
and then I turned a corner
leapt over a fence and found myself in a dark garden
this would do
I dived to the ground
I looked around
nothing
darkness
I slid closer to some bushes
and hugged their shadows
the moon wasn't bright that night
but it gave off enough light to give me shadows to hide in
I lay there begging for my breath to regulate
it probably wasn't that loud
but I could hear it panting
and my heart thumping against the silence of the night
I waited and waited
maybe they would still come
maybe I'd hear them any second
I had to keep quiet
I had to keep still...
It had all happened so fast
the night had been a good night up until the fight
that hadn't been good
but Robert had really been the cause of that
I loved that guy but he was one crazy mother fucker
you know I'm as anti-facist as the next guy
but you don't deal with the problem of racism by going into skinhead bars and getting beaten up and
he knew that that was a skinhead bar and he'd led me in their
my face...
fuck...
I can only imagine my face when we walked in that bar
A black guy and his crazy friend walking into a neo-nazi bar
Robert had strong beliefs
but he was gonna get us killed one day
Actually the bar hadn't been that bad
everyone and everything flew at us at once
and sometimes that works in your favour
you go try and hit a guy at the same time as 100 other people
it ain't as easy as it looks
and your less likely to do damage as ten people having a concentrated and organised assault on you
and that was the problem
when we left the bar
flying through the door
we were followed onto the street
I ran
Robert didn't
I got as far as the corner
but I was aware I wasn't alone
so I turned and looked back
he was taking a hammering
so I turned back
was I crazy?
I figure I was
but I couldn't leave him alone
I could see the beating he was taking
his head smashing against the wall
blood spraying everywhere
you should watch a good beating some time
you really do see the bones breaking
he was in trouble
one eye was already closed on him
several ribs appeared broken
his legs had gone and he looked in a bad way
so I turned back and ran at the crowd
fuck knows what I was intending to do
I don't think I had a plan
I don't think I was thinking
this was an adrenaline moment
one of those times you just grit your teeth
scream
and run
I flew into the pack
fists flailing
legs kicking
screaming
jumping
swinging
I don't know what I was doing
if I was doing any good at all or just looking like a deranged maniac
then there was a moment of silence
o there was noise
but I didn't hear it
the world went slow motion on me
I became aware of the fact that Robert was up the street and disappearing around a corner
Some how he'd got away
and now I was alone
with a group of extremely dangerous
violent skinheads that I had just attacked
that wasn't good....
And then the noise returned
and things sped up again as I felt a fist to the side of my head
I looked around
saw a gap
leapt for it and ran
and ran
and ran
My lungs felt like they were going to burst
I felt like I had no breath left inside me
my legs felt like they had turned to sticks of...
they had no strength
but still they carried me on
further
further
further
The sound of heavy breathing behind me had disappeared long time past
but I still didn't dare turn around
I still figured I needed to turn a corner or two before I'd feel safe
so I ran
and ran
and ran
and then I turned a corner
leapt over a fence and found myself in the dark garden...
I was not happy the next time I met Robert...
but...
I was not happy in that city...
Another night...
Another beating...
Every time I tried to stand up
I fell down again
this was not good
this was not where I wanted to be
and this wasn't drug induced paranoia...
It had started as a good night
I'd gone downtown for a few drinks and a bit of fun
there was a lot of people out
and I like to mingle
especially when I've had a bit and I'm the other side of healthy
and in one bar
or another
I found a couple of nice girls to talk to
well...
I don't know how nice they were
but they looked good
and they laughed when I told a joke
what more does a guy want when he's off his head?
but then Danny and Slater turned up
and one of the girls liked Slater...
If I'd had brains that's when I should have left
but when a man is drunk
and thinking with his dick
his brains shrink rapidly
mine had shrunk to nothing
I stayed
we talked some more
we drank a lot more
did some drugs
and got louder and louder
I was nervous about Danny and Slaters presence
but they seemed to be behaving themselves
so when one of the girls said
'hey, lets go back to my place to party'
I was stupid enough to go...
Things went smoothly for...
o all of 30 minutes
just enough for me to drink to much
so that I was no longer in control of my body
and then the action kicked off
Danny went off to...
the bathroom I think he said
and as he left Slater said something to him and stormed out the apartment
the girls laughed
I went to leave
but...
Every time I tried to stand up
I fell down again
this was not good
this was not where I wanted to be
and this wasn't drug induced paranoia...
Slater stormed back in again
he was carrying a sawn of shotgun
and looking mighty angry
he called out
'Danny get your ass in here'
Danny appeared
I wondered if Danny was in trouble
but it wasn't going to be as easy as that
Slater turned to me
pointed the barrels at me and said
'OK cunt
you touched my girls ass getting out the car didn't you'
The girl stood up
'I'm not your girl' she said
to which Slater replied by wrapping the butt of the shotgun across her skull and knocking her out cold
it was her last contribution to the conversation
Danny laughed
I got more scared...
'well cunt?'
He asked
I looked at him
my lips were moving
but no sounds were coming out
I don't think I had anything to say
but I was trying
'On your feet'
I wish it was that easy I thought
the fear factor was clearing my mind
but the drink was still in control of my body
I tried to stand
fell
and Danny kicked me in the head
I think it knocked me out
but it can't have been for long as I heard the next sentence...
Danny helped me up
(if helped is the right word) and dragged me to the door
they dragged me out side and propped me against the wall
Slater watched over me while Danny went back inside to pick up the girl that was still conscious
she'd screamed when her friend had been knocked out
and had wept kneeling over her body since that moment
but there seemed to be no tears or screams left as Danny dragged her outside
I don't know if it was fear
or if she was just blown away by everything that was happening
'What you bringin' her for?'
Slater asked
Danny laughed
'I'm not
I just want some fun'
he said
Danny laughed a lot
even though few people ever got the joke
I felt sick
not from the drink but because I knew what he meant...
I was to be Slaters fun
My date was to be his...
The next ten minutes both flew passed
and crawled
it was unpleasant for me
but probably way worse for the girl I was with
Slater and Danny dragged us down to the car
I had my legs kicked from under me
and Slater watched over me with his shotgun
while Danny laughed
'Well hurry up cunt'
Slater said
and Danny duly obliged
he raped her there in the parking lot
a 5 minute fuck of anger and hate
before she was forced into the trunk of the car
and the trunk locked behind her
this to Danny was the funniest moment of the night so far
to me?
It just increased the fear factor
Fuck it man
why hadn't I left way back when we were in the bar?
They marched me down the street
I was still stumbling a little but between the cold night air
and my total fear I was sobering rapidly...
We walked about two blocks before we reached their destination
a Taxi company's offices
Slater waited outside with me
(and the gun)
While Danny went inside
I assume he ordered us a cab as one turned up moments later and I was bundled inside
I didn't really see where we went as I was made to get on the floor
and so all I saw was darkness...
After...
ten minutes?
of driving around the left hand rear door was opened and my head was pushed out
my nose was inches from the surface of the road and I could feel the breeze from it as we passed over it
I don't know how fast we were doing but...
next time you go out driving stick your head out the door at ground level and look at the road beneath you
it looks fast
and it looks fuckin' scary...
I heard the driver shouting something
him being told to shut up
and then silence
except for the car on the road
this was really freaking me out
I tried to close my eyes
but for some reason I couldn't
then I heard Danny laughing
was it a joke?
Was it going to be OK?
no...
Next thing I know I was forced out the car as it was still travelling
from a moving car at floor level to the street below you
how long does that take to fall?
it can't take long
I'm sure
but as I saw that surface approaching it seemed to take an age
maybe two ages to bridge the gap between the car
and the impact that would send me into unconsciousness...
I don't know how long I lay there unconscious in the snow
medical records said it was all night
but I don't know when we left or how far into the morning it was when they picked me up
in fact I don't know anything about anything until the following evening when I finally came round...
I had serious injuries
and my confidence was shot
it was a long time before I went out drinking again
The second time I went out drinking after that night I felt a thwack on my back
I turned around and Slater was standing there
'hey fucker
took any good rides lately?'
he laughed
like it was all fun
he even bought me a drink
fuckin' psycho...
I left town the next night...
Now some people who know this story have said to me
'hell if it was me...'
and then they tell me they would have done this
or they would have done that
but those guys ain't never met a guy like Slater
I mean...
I do know of a couple of guys once
beat the crap out of him
beat him within an inch of his life
he was in hospital for weeks afterwards
and then when he got out of hospital he disappeared for a while
but then...
one dark winter night
around 3 am on the Sunday morning
the two guys left a club and went to get their car
they walked round the corner from the club and down the alley
there was one of those industrial dumpster, skip things there
the lid flew open
Slater stood up
shot them both dead
according to the story Slater got in at about 6pm
and sat there in the garbage for about 9 hours waiting for them
you see?
Slater doesn't lose
he's determined
there is only one way to beat him
and I ain't no killer...
To do anything would have been suicide...
Yeah...
I never liked that city...
So I took a train out of town...
I was still injecting back in those days
so I boiled myself up a fix
shot up
and laid back...
Winds come whistle
howl across the vista
of the imagination
sprinkled dreams of
star like qualities
tender mercies
lost inside a vision
that was laying on an empty seat
in some train or another
travelling to another town
that no ones ever been to
or ever will again
changing as it does
with every shifting grain of sand
scattered by the breeze
and if a tear should wake the dead
and grant them dreams anew
then maybe we'll dance again
maybe me and you...
I got off the train at the wrong stop
it was a paranoia thing
it's one of the downsides of drug abuse
sometimes
under the influence
you get these mental aberrations
I felt paranoid
there was no danger
but...
because of some irrational fear I found myself miles from where I was meant to be
on a cold night...
residual feelings
laid out upon the carpet
like a mocking bird
I walked out of town
there was nothing there for me
and wandered into the darkness
I got maybe five miles before tiredness
and junk sickness kicked in
so I walked through a gate at the side of the road
and into a field
to look for somewhere to rest and...
I spied a barn across the field
and walked over
and inside...
I sat down and...
well...
what does a junkie do?
what was I?
what...?
'I am here
I am me
I am...'
I kicked off my shoes
lay my head on a pile of straw
and closed my eyes...
'I'll sit here
alone in silence
waiting
waiting
the night is so long
the darkness so deep
'till the morning comes
'till the sunrises
I'll stay here
waiting for the dream
thinking
thinking
the night is my canvas
the darkness my mind
'till the morning comes
And as the sun rises
I rub my eyes
I'm tired
I'm confused
morning brings reality
morning brings the truth
the truth is the day
but the day brings the night...
'I'm still here'
Waiting
waiting
'till the morning comes
'till the sun shines
I'll sit here
alone in silence'
It was a fitful sleep
full of dreams
and visions
of then
and now
and in between
full of people I knew
and those I didn't
places I've been
and places I've never even seen
it was a fitful sleep
and not for one minute
did it calm me
or comfort me...
I stretched
stood up
and walked over to the door
opened it
and wandered out
rubbing the sun out of my eyes
It was early
I don't know what time
but early
a cold one
I was hungry
I don't think I'd eaten for about two days
so I walked back into the town
found myself a little cafe that was open
and got myself a coffee and a donut
I was also hungry for junk
the pains were kicking in
but this was a small town
small towns are bad for connecting in
there is junk there
but...
the world of a junkie
in a small town is more...
private
it's not about street corners
connections
the life of the hustle
small town junk is about being holed up in a room
private highs
private pains
private junk...
so I figured it was a waste of time trying to connect here
it could take time
and I didn't have time
so I figured to head out to my original destination
I walked back out of town again
this time I headed to the highway
stood there with my thumb out
just waiting
I was there a long time
the road was empty
I only saw one or two cars
and they didn't even look at me
so it was with great relief when someone finally did stop
He asked me where I was going
and I told him
he told me he was going most of the way
and could drop me off at his turn off
so I climbed in
and rode the highway...
Paste it up black
on a journey
cuz the road ain't pretty snows
and all the beauty shows
ain't in this state
and the path you take
and the turn you make
and catch you for a twenty
cuz there's always that choice
Left
by the side of the road
watching hope disappearing into the distance
Left
feeling cold
wondering what will make a difference
And the road winds through tree lined corridors
sight lines only wander
for so far
and then a wooded wall
of redwoods
spaced
but unrevealing
in their density
holding secrets
holding secrets
And the gray of day
slides slowly across the sky
as it fades to dusk
and then again
to night
and blackened skies fill the mind
with dark thoughts
foreboding...
The noises fuel imagination
forest noise
outside noise
natural
but unnatural sounding
echoed cries of...
echoed cries of...
And dank smells
fill the lungs
with dampened hope
and though this place is beautiful
by night it's frightening
by night it's somewhere else
sometime else
something else
A slow
careful walk
winds you down the road
step
by step
by careful step
creeping forward
as you listen to the breeze
as you watch the darkness
step
by step
by careful step...
Memories...
I'm not a forest man
though I recognise
and appreciate it's beauty
but it holds to many fears for me
to many memories
I was born to the ocean
to the great blue
to the deep...
There never was a moment when the bell wasn't tolling
when the tide wasn't rolling
in and out
the perpetual motion of existence
crashing 'pon the rocks of...
there never was a moment when the bell wasn't tolling
Some days saw more ships than others
some days would be filled with blue skies and the activities of the waters would create a vista of energy
a hive of activity
that would lead the mind to wander along the shipping routes
where from?
where to?
and all the world was smaller
for it's vastness
crammed within a dream
a thought
a momentary blinking of the eye
Other days the waters were empty
and it was just me and the ocean
a secret rendezvous of man and nature
blessed with a moment of tranquillity
that allowed the thoughts to float in comfort on the eddies
ripples
and gently breaking waves
no distractions here
but my own thoughts
There wasn't many of us who worked in the warehouse
but the few who did work there all seemed to know the unwritten rules
when it was time for peace
it was time for peace
when it was time for action
there was action
I don't think
in all my time there
any body ever asked for space
or went in search of company
it just seemed to work right...
Early shift was my favorite
and not just for the bonus of the over time pay
although that was never to be sniffed at
I liked the fact that we were there early to greet a ship
but if we motored on the job
we could have it out of there
and then have the early morning ocean to our selves
How could that not sound good?
Paid extra to be alone with the early morning ocean
paid to watch the morning sun rise
spilling it's colors onto the blues and greens and grays
of her majesty the ocean
Yeah
I liked the early shifts...
There never was a moment when the bell wasn't tolling
when the tide wasn't rolling
in and out
the perpetual motion of existence
crashing 'pon the rocks of...
there never was a moment when the bell wasn't tolling
Times were good back then
'till someone cracked down on the casual and illegal workers
regulations
legislation
organisation
god damn centralisation
then the jobs were gone
sometimes I still sit by the ocean
I still enjoy the vistas
the memories
but I just don't get paid for it any more...
I'd trade the nights forest
for the morning ocean
any day...
I know others would disagree
but to each his own
his own dreams
and his own nightmares
been they in his past
in his future
or his imagination...
Never was so lonely as the night
with all it's dreams of yesterday
encapsulated within a moments hesitation
and then tomorrow dawns
a new year...
step
by step
by careful step...
Confusion reigns
in night time tiredness
kissing chaos
with dreams
or nightmares...
I sat by the road
tired
and weary
lost in the darkness
my feet were on the road
but my mind wasn't
it had wandered into a thousand pasts...
Night is a funny time
strange beyond reason
it can bring joy
or misery
or a mixture of both
I know the day can bring the same
but the night colors it differently
etching it in a different corner of the memory
Dark
Dark
Dark
All the time tired
all the time waiting
all the time wanting
but frozen to my roadside seat
I could have slept
I maybe should have slept
but I was hypnotised by the thoughts rushing through my mind
of times
of places
of memories
memories trapped inside my daily living
thoughts that shaped me
made me what I was
even if I didn't know what that was
I saw a truck roll past about midnight
I watched the lights
at first broken
splitting the wall of trees
then whole
and bright
and heading toward me
the low hum of an engine
metamorphisising into a roar as it approached
the lights becoming blinding twin moons
against the black of night
and the bass line of music as it passed
and then I watched it fade
turning to silence
as it's red eyes rushed wearily into the future
destined for somewhere
or for nowhere
who knows...
it was their adventure
not mine...
Widows sing
in night time breezes...
I closed my eyes
and ran my hands against my damp rock seat
touch is often underrated
but I opened my eyes again sharply
when the sensation of the rock only served as a reminder
of long ago
of the stench of...
how can you describe that smell?
Take a male locker room
mix it with an old folks home
roll in a good portion of fear
and multiply by a million
and maybe
just maybe
you might get a whiff of the forest
of the dark
of...
So often we close our eyes to hide internal
from external nightmares
but what if the nightmares lie within?
what if the nightmares are dark memories
are our knowledge
what if we know the nightmare still lives on somewhere
we've only escaped the here and now
not the past
and maybe not the future?
Tangled up in memories
deceptions
perversions
of the natural flow
river running ragged through the mind
meander
meander
Dark
Dark
Dark
I've crossed a thousand deserts
in my mind
some through days
some through nights
but still I stand at the entrance
at the gateway
waiting
waiting
And all who follow lead
and all who lead follow
and all that is was before
and is again tomorrow...
I looked behind me at the wall of black
the place I knew the trees were
and wondered
would it always be this way?
would I always be this way?
Stranded on a lonely highway
dark of night
grasping at memories I'd rather lose...
I wondered
would I ever fly again
as I did
as child
as...
Coyote bit the moon
rabid howl of despair...
I stood and wandered back to the road
stumbled on
heading nowhere
running
running...
I've never been heading anywhere
I've always just been leaving...
step
by step
by careful step...
I wandered all night
and I don't know how far I got
probably not that far
you don't travel far when you use the slow crab walk
step
by step
by careful step...
As the morning sunlight broke through the trees
with dabbled announcements of day
I stuck my thumb out again
hoping that today would be more successful than yesterday
but it wasn't
so that day I ended up walking most of the final thirty miles into town
but that was OK
I don't mind walking
the pedestrian sees so much more of a city
the driver is confined to the road
but the walker has no such limitations
and I've never been a big driver...
I've been to some cities
in the past
and I've been friends with petrol heads
and car junkies
and they might have lived in the city for a hundred years
but within weeks
or even days
I can show them places in their city that they've never even dreamed of
How can they be so blind?
Silent years
spent hiding
fingers crossed
that nightmares
will gently fade away
hoping that a storm cloud
is just for Christmas
and not for life
Are you capable
of offering a flower
or floating on wings
of diamorphic rainbows?
Are you capable
of living as a song
in everlasting summer
at the end of perfect springs?
It was a cold night
and I didn't want to hang around in it
so as soon as I hit town
I wandered straight to a bar
It's good to have friends
it's good...
but when you are a stranger in town
a bar is the best substitute...
'Water dream
of summer city
drifting streets
singing songs of...
and all the while
foot tapping down the line
Itchy feet
a wander
dusty road
tear draped night
singing songs of...
and all the while
foot tapping down the line
and every whistle
sends a shiver
and every whistle
tweaks a dream
from yesterday
and ain't no song
ever sung the beauty
with the pain
and all the blues
ain't the hue of night
and all your tears
flow a different way
and all the kisses
taste a different flavor
illusion mathematicians
twisting minds
with advert lines
of buy
bye
bye
Water dream
of summer city
drifting streets
singing songs of...
and all the while
foot tapping down the line...'
She sang
and my heart listened
alone in the corner
hidden in shadows
hidden in my tears
and all the while
I hung on every note
and every word
and every song she sang for me
invisible in the crowd...
I lit a cigarette
leant back
and closed my eyes
living through her
living through the moment
living through my past
in fading memories
and dreams
holding hopes
that never could be
never should be
cuz comfort takes the edge of the meaning of my life
And I spoke a thousand silent words to her
hidden in the recesses of my mind
left to gather cobwebs
while my cowards heart hid on
living in her voice
illegal alien...
Night drifted to a shallow end
she left on a musical cloud
drifting in the night air
I left on my lonely feet
following the beat
of her dreams
kissing the cool night air
and dreaming
in hues of blue
dreaming of the nights
that won't be
can't be
shouldn't be
An empty
secret note
passed from my heart
to a cloud filled
summer night sky
-Tell the singer
the female singer
in the lonely bar
that I love her
even though
we've never met-...
I hung around the bar for a while
I'd heard it was a good place to connect
and so it proved...
He was a tall guy
but no meat on him
his hair was long
black
and unkempt
and he sat down next to me
he asked me if I was looking to score
I told him I was
and we conducted a little bit of business
then I excused myself and headed to the bathroom
and set myself up with a hit
I didn't have much
it was more of a taster
I didn't want to get to wasted before I'd found a room
I just wanted to feed the hunger
dull the pain...
When I came out of the bathroom I was surprised to find the guy still sitting at my table
that was unusual
I was young
he was young
young people tend to hustle and move
partly cuz they need to
and partly because of that paranoia thing again
I didn't mind though
new guy in town
I could use the company
so I introduced myself
with a fake name
and he told me his name was Ziggy
or Zippy
or something with a Z...
We talked a little
not to much really
I was to busy soaking in the sounds from the jukebox
it's funny
that night sticks in my mind
even though it was quite unremarkable
I can still remember exactly what was played that night
every tune
in exact order
it's weird how that works isn't it?
It had come up in conversation that I was going to have to leave soon to look for a room
he told me I could stay at his
I guess it made sense
so we left for my new 'home'...
His place was much the same as the every other 'alternative' persons house I'd been in
it's one of life's strange contradictions
but nine out of every ten 'alternative' people follow a fashion identical to all the other 'alternatives'
so most of them end up exactly like the sheep that they hate
that they spend forever attacking
I often wonder if they really hate the sheep
or if they just can't fit
maybe if they were more...
more something...
I don't know
I just wonder if many of them would become sheep if they could...
who knows?
Now I sound really bitchy after that
there's a lot of cool people out there
I don't mean to be horrible or nothing
I'm just saying that there are a lot less individuals
a lot less dynamically unique people out there
then a lot of people think
we are all different
individual
unique
but very few people are THAT different
that is a rarity
and Ziggy wasn't that rare
but he was a good guy
and over the years
whenever our paths have crossed
since that first meeting
he has been a good friend
And Ziggy
if you ever get to read this
thank you for all the times
and all the places...
I remember this one time
I was sent to jail for fraud
it was a credit card thing
it was just a short stretch
the card had been used to death but they could only connect me to the one count
so I didn't have long to do
and it was quite an easy stretch
I mean...
Jail ain't ever 'fun'
but...
it's full of drugs
and if you keep your head down
know who's who
and what's what
then it ain't hard
and you can have the occasional laugh
Anyway...
they dumped me in this cell
then in the morning when they let me out I found that Ziggy was in the cell next to me
now it was his local so he knew who was who and sorted me out
helped me make the right connections and everything
watched my back
it helped a lot
in fact everything went fine until two days before my release date
I wanted a blow out for me and the guys before I was let out
so I went to buy myself a little bit of merchandise
but I wanted to keep it as a surprise so I went to someone different
a young guy
big mistake...
I was stupid
careless
I trusted to much
handed the money over first and got burnt...
it was no big deal
we weren't talking a fortune or anything
and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it
partly cuz the young punk was a lot bigger than me
he was a man mountain
and partly cuz I was getting out in two days
I didn't want risk anything for a few bucks
but Ziggy found out
and...
well he don't like to see a friend ripped off
so he took revenge...
He got an extra 12 months for it
Now...
if Ziggy had talked to me first I would have told him not to do what he did
I would of gone to great lengths to stop him
but...
Even though I don't condone his actions
or the violence
I must admit to feeling touched that he was willing to do an extra 12 months for my sake
it's nice to know people can care that much...
Life...
It's a bit like paradise
but without the humor
it's a bit like summer
on a rainy day...
Inside the dark room
were three dusty little drawers
and inside the middle drawer was a little spider
cowering in the corner
and inside the spider was...
who knows what was inside the spider?
I just know the spider was in the middle drawer
in the dark room
in the dirty building
in a rotten part
of a rotten town
in this 'civilised' land of ours
in a world
that often doesn't care
and for every spider
there's a man
with a dusty drawer
and a forgotten dream
that got shattered
in the darkest corner of his mind
and that's life...
Ziggy looked after me well
I enjoyed staying at his place
but after a month or two
the itchy feet got the better of me
and I headed out
back on the road
Ziggy had done me proud
he'd been a friend
and more
but this wasn't what I was looking for...
But then...
What was I looking for?
I've never really known
what it is I want to find at the end of the rainbow
I know why I hit the road
I was pushed onto it by life
but I've never really known what I was looking for in the way of an exit sign
anything?
something?
nothing?
I guess a lot of what I'm searching for is all the things I've never had
the family
the love
whatever...
maybe one day hey?
maybe one day I might find a place that looks like home
but Ziggy's was not that place
I found the friendship there
but I knew it was a dead end street
a place of midnight blues
I knew I would just end up out of my head day and night
going nowhere
but in endless circles
and I want something more than that
I do want to achieve something
but I'm just not sure what...
Circles hey?
Circular motions
of rambled nothings
moving nowhere
saying nothing
talking just because it's dark
and I don't want to be alone...
You can never hide from the truth
it's in your every day
it's in every way
you think
and move
that's the truth
you can never run from...
So I packed my bag
and one night
when the place was empty
I slipped silently out the door
I never was a great one for goodbyes...
I'm back
I'm me
I'm going to live for ever
watch me...
One for the road
lightning strike
pure gold
illusion
I'm back
I'm me
I'm going to live for ever...
The street was washed clean by rain
wet and beautiful
shinny
shinny
And the warm air lifted me
summer rains refresh so much
touching something that nothing else can reach
And I walked
and walked
going nowhere
with my headphone companion
The streets were busy
full of cars heading somewhere secret
and I raced them
at the interchanges
until we reached the leafy sides of town
Backpacked warrior
on a road to nowhere
headphone back track
and the feel of cooler summer
My shadow kissed the walls
dappled by their tree lined fantasy
suburban myth
secret kiss
of we're more civilised...
I stood on the final corner
waiting
and contemplating
navels
of fluff filled hopes
that drifted long ago
but I never saw it go
from my star eyed crows nest
And I waited
And I waited
And I waited
'till the cars saw me
standing there
being...
someone to touch
someone to be
someone to avoid
someone to meet
someone...
I climbed aboard
the mystery train
shut the door
to the outside world
and drifted
into the sound of the road...
The story of my life is a story of a road
a journey
a meandering voyage
from birth to death
with stops along the way
I guess it's the same for everyone
just some of us walk more physical roads
where as others travel their journeys in the confines of their minds
or within the struggles of domestic life
who knows?