(no subject)
Winds come whistle
howl across the vista
of the imagination
sprinkled dreams of
starlike qualities
tender mercies
lost inside a vision
that was laying on an empty seat
in some coach or another
traveling to another town
that no ones ever been to
or ever will again
changing as it does
with every shifting grain of sand
scattered by the breeze
and if a tear should wake the dead
and grant them dreams anew
then maybe we'll dance again
maybe me and you...
I never seen the snake or wolf
I've only ever seen the stars
maybe I should fall asleep
facing another way?
No change really
another beating
soon be another railroad station
another con to fund it...
That ain't a life...
and that's only told you a few brief highlights
doesn't mention
for example
the cop that used to torture me
when I was 11
lived near me
and came round everynight
to torture me and get...
his 'excitement'...
it doesn't tell you about watching a girl I was in love with being burnt to death in a car
in front of my eyes...
it doesn't tell you about being thrown out of a moving taxi at speed
to lay unconscious by the roadside in snow all night...
it tells you a few brief highlights
but enough to show I ain't had a life...
and I don't think I ever will do...
It's funny
lots of people
everyday
seek knowledge about when they'll die
or how long they'll live for
well I'd tell them this
be happy with not knowing
cuz if you know you can't die yet
you know how much more you gotta put up with
and I'll tell you straight
I ain't frightened of death
cuz I seen much much worse
and to me it's a great torture
knowing that I got a lot more of this shit in front of me...
I sat on the kitchen floor once
totally stoned out of my mind with my arm around my room mate
comforting each other after we'd been robbed
it was weird but that moment was beautiful...
in the depths of depression we found a golden moment
I coulda sat there forever...
she was about my...
3rd? sister
when she moved out my second sister moved in
it was good timing
although it wasn't quite the same with sister #2 the second time
Sister #2 was 14 yrs old when I met her
I met her in a park...
I was totally high
(always was in those days...)
and she came and talked to me...
vulnerable people always find people to talk to
over the next few weeks I found out she was being abused by her step father...
at first she used to climb out her window at night and come and sleep in my place
then sneak home in the morning
all she did was sleep
but she just felt safer doing it at my place
but eventually
as she got older
she moved in...
Sister #3 was 18
I think
she wasn't in to much trouble
but she had a room in a house full of guys
and they weren't to respectful
she felt uncomfortable with the way they acted towards her
and the way they treated her
lack of privacy and stuff
which is important for most people
but more so when you're an 18 yr. old girl
so that's why she moved in with me...
I always tried to be the best bro. a guy could be to all my sisters
I only ever felt real bad on one occasion
and that's when I was so full of pills one time
and got kinda a little angry one night
I wasn't like violent
or abusive
but I did raise my voice
and said something harsh
in a very sharp way...
it was no big deal really
but I shouldn't have done it
and that was the last time I took pills to get high
I decided my sister came first
and just kicked the habit there and then
although it wasn't that hard
as I was so full of other junk in those days...
not that they ever knew...
You know there's a lot of lost people out there?
I met a million so far
and I bet I missed most of them...
I'd like a real family
I nearly had it once...
when I was about 16 my girlfriend at the time got pregnant
but she aborted it...
C'est la vie...
I guess I have to understand
she was 16
I was probably never gonna be a 'husband'
in her eyes
and her family would have pushed her...
but it still kinda cuts you know?
My family is kinda complicated
I got a sister
and a brother
that died before I was born...
that's sad
but I never knew them
so it ain't something that hurts as much as if I'd lost someone close...
Then I got another brother
who I ain't seen since less than 1 years old
he lives overseas
and I don't know where
and I don't know his name
or nothing
(only his first name)
so I probably wont ever see him
I tried to track him down but there ain't no official records or nothing...
and then I got a sister but...
her daddy was in movies and she don't know about me
and I ain't gonna screw up his life
or hers
by kinda turning up...
So I'm an only child
with a big family...
if that makes sense?
Should I be jealous?
I'm not
but should I be?
I mean my sister probably has everything
but that just makes me happy
I'd hate to ruin her world
by being part of it..
Only family member I can guarantee exists
or is alive still
is a baseball player
told my sis about him once
it's kinda comforting to know there is someone out there
even if they don't know who I am
or I can't prove I'm me...
I'd like to be someone normal
normal life
normal family
but I have no education
no money
a criminal record
a history of drugs
and the big one...
I died
(so the records say)
so I don't even have an identity
I am a fake now
the real me
dead
buried
check the record office...
And I might as well be dead for real
cuz I don't have a life
everything you see
everything you hear
every poem
every story
every thought
every opinion is me...
No education
just learnt from my life...
But you know what's good?
I mean you could read this
and be sad about the past
but that's all it is...
the past...
Or you could read it
and see that I survived
that's good ain't it?
So there is some sunlight here
the day isn't all storm clouds
there's always reasons to be happy I guess...
I woke up the next day in my room
it wasn't a good a room
the window didn't shut properly
so when I crossed the room that morning
to find my clothes
I found myself slipping on Ice
who lives in a room with Ice on the floor?
See that crack?
See it in that pane?
that's not my window...
empty room
that once was
and now it is again
in negative
and licked by flames
all around
yet in the center is...
black
and how can black repel the light
unaided
and how can...
Nah...
that has to stay with me...
that's my world...
I'd like to float above my mind
beyond my thoughts and chaos
to leave the tempest down below
and float among the tranquil clouds
that kiss the sky of quiet
I'd love to sleep awake for once
to see the world move slow
instead of shooting stars
of pain filled thoughts...
Room was cold...
well...
compared with the mountains it was warm
but being as how I was now used to milder
it felt cold...
that whole climate thing again
see above
I'm not typing it twice!
repeated theme of mother...
One of the worst insults I've received lately was from a guy
who accused me of trying to take advantage
of 'vulnerable' women
as I like to talk to women a lot
how sad and insulting...
yeah
for one reason or another
I have missed certain key women from my life
so I like to talk to women a lot
not to replace anyone specifically
but because I have a lot of respect
and admiration
for a lot of women
and would like to spend more time in their company
men
I feel
are more 'animal' than women...
And as for 'vulnerable'
so
so
so insulting
most of the women I was talking to
at the time
I actually respected for their strength
their character
their wisdom
their compassion
god
the list goes on
and on
and on
but weak
and vulnerable doesn't enter the equation
didn't women get liberated a few years ago?
Didn't we move on from the weaker sex shit?
Looks like the 'vulnerable' weak one might have been the guy throwing insults to me...
Especially when I saw him arguing with a young girl a day or two later...
Very sad...
But anyway...
the point I wanted to make was that my mother
although I have never known her
has played a key part in my life
I wrote this for her:
I never knew my mother
but she was perfect
I only have one memory of her
one silent picture
I have one of these memories where I can pull things up
like a TV set
and see them once again
in living Technicolor
like they were back then
like they were real again
and I have this one memory of my mother
and she's leaning over me in my crib
and she's weeping
and telling me stuff
and...
Well I was a baby back then
so I didn't understand a word she said
and so I can't pull it up
and hear it again
but I can look at the pictures
and know what she is saying
what else could she be saying?
what can a mother
who is about to give up her child
be saying
as she stands over him weeping?
cuz giving up your child
is the hardest thing you can do...
Some people jump all over a mother
who gives up her child
but man you want to take it easy
and think
cuz these people are making the ultimate sacrifice
they are recognizing
that to give to their child
they must take the heartache
of never knowing them
never seeing them
never being with them
or holding them
or sharing with them
that's heavy stuff
only a strong heart can do that
So I know what she's saying
I can hear her heart
and my mom never argued with me
never shouted at me
all she gave me was a chance
a hope
and the perfect memory of her
dressed immaculate
in the tears of her love
I never knew my mother
but she was perfect
I love her
and always will...
It talks about how her act of love for me
whilst maybe something that might be attacked by a lot of society
is something that I saw as an act of love
and strength
and how I've been able to use that as a support over the years
and to draw on it
I really do have love for her...
Mother used say to me
"Son
if I ever knew you
if we'd ever met
I might of loved you"
And you can't ask for anything more
hope is all you're worth
a dream painted with the face of a clown
smiling in the lighted ring
crying in the shadows
The wind of change sings another song...
I took ride once to my past
stood outside my mothers house
just to see
just to feel like I belonged
like there'd been a beginning
then I wandered off down the road
to a bar at the corner of the street
got high
and blew my money on a card game...
I spent that night in a cell
cold and alone
it's the closest I ever came to my mother
closest I ever came to having a family
but that's life...
On my first full day in Vancouver I wanted to reconnect with some of my friends from my
Internet half of life
I'd been ten days on the road
with little or no contact with most of them
and I missed them
wanted to touch base so to speak
so I went on the trawl for a computer
luckily for me there was one about 3 or 4 doors down from where I was staying...
Roberto was a cool guy
he'd come up to Canada from Peru
he was friendly
and helpful
over the next few weeks I would spend a lot of time there
and I would grow to think of Roberto as a friend...
Witness for the prosecution:
'You have spent a wasted life'
Witness for the defense:
'winter is winter is winter'
One of the first things I did at Robertos was to try and connect with the people I'd said good bye to
about ten days before
it was important to contact sis
Megan is a big part of my life
we've walked a road together now for over two years
and she is the nearest thing I have to family
to real family
I call her sis because that is exactly what she is to me
I don't see her as anything short of blood to me
Megan is an amazing person
so young
lived such a harsh life at times
yet so talented
and so strong
people often praise me for having been there for her
but that's bullshit
she's been there for me
she deserves the praise
no one else
I don't know what she will grow to become
the person she will be a thousand years from now
but I know the person she has been
and I thank god that I knew her
she has touched my life
and touched my heart
and enriched me in a way that few others have done
we have laughed together
and cried together
seen the sunrise
and the storm clouds roll in
I don't think anything could ever detract
from what we have shared
or the path that we have walked together
I dedicate everything to her
and would go to whatever length was necessary
to be there for her
and to support her...
I also wanted to connect with the people in Vancouver
that I had met online
and the girl from Michigan
that was important
it was kinda crazy though
having not received my invitation
while hanging around in the cold
and desolate land of Ohio
now I'd traveled 2500 miles west of there
I was to learn that my Michigander had feelings for me
I was very touched by this
the road can be a very lonely place...
I tried to put her off the idea of me
tried to explain about the baggage I carry
but to no avail
and to be honest
I was glad of that
put a smile upon my face
and then...
She
and a friend
were organizing an event in Michigan
would I be coming?
Miles and miles of smiles upon my face
a place that felt like it was cracking
could she stop me?
I mean...
well screw the event
here was a warm
kind
caring
beautiful
personality
asking if I would like to come and visit
as she liked me...
How could I refuse?
Also...
I connected again with Vincy
he'd just crossed Canada to get back to Vancouver
and he asked me if I wanted a coffee
just up from Broadway and main
30 minutes walk
better get a move on
I walked pretty briskly
had to
I had a phone call to make
and a walk to walk
before I met Vincy
and I was pretty high at the time...
Now I'm sure I was short changed somewhere in here
cuz Broadway and main is uphill ALL the way
so I walked
and walked
and walked
through Chinatown
and up
up
up the mountain
that is Main St. when you're high...
Highing
Flying
Trying
to climb the mountain
Legs that walk
but never move
minds that move
and never stay
to play
in the spot of now
only how
the next moment will happen
flatten the mountain
flatten
the pattern
of flat line dreaming
And I walked
and walked
and walked
while standing still
in dreams of could have beens
and should have beens
and ain't no fucker gonna move me
I belong
but...
I belong
but...
inside and out
it's up to the dreamer
And I walked on down the street
staring at the feet of the buildings
looking at the stones
that held the weight of the city
the foundations that bore the troubles
that bore the sins
that bore the children of the ghetto
tomorrow's tears
I arrived about 11 am
I saw a guy that I thought was Vincy
but I still had the call to make
so I ended up walking all the way around the block
before I finally had a chance to say Hi to him...
well...
before I get to Vincy...
Got a friend coming over tonight
I first met him a couple of years before he changed
and then about um...
fifty years later?
I was in a different town
and noticed him around
and kinda thought to myself
ya know
what's he doing here?
I mean like
after fifty years
you don't expect to see old friends
running around still young and fresh do you?
Anyway...
um...
you see that show?
Nah
I don't think anyone did
I have doubts now if it was actually on TV
Ain't that a pisser?
I'm always doing that
I really enjoy some show
and then...
well I find out it wasn't on at all and...
Distant strength
the length
of un-awakened passions
fashioned by the dream
of glistening waters
from your stream
and...
look into my eyes
the whole worlds sleeping
So I took her hand
and we crossed the road
and I said to him
"Hey
guy
I ain't seen you for fifty years"
and he looked at me
paused a while
and replied
"Fuck that's nothing
I ain't never seen you"
So I had to kinda explain I was someone else
and he took it quite well
sometimes that sort of info. doesn't go down to well...
You ever find yourself looking out a window
and all you see is yourself inside?
I do sometimes
but often the wisps of smoke
from my cigarette
drift back from the glass
and into my eyes
and all I see is the inside of my tears...
Tears
kissing fears
of...
oh my god
what have I done
what has become
of yesterday?
Anyway we decided to go get a beer
it was late
so it suited us both
we left the girl I was with in some dumpster in an alley
just off 5th and main
and walked over to the Spanish quarter
looking for a little bar
that we'd been to many moons ago
but...
well the neighborhood had changed
I don't even think the area was that Spanish anymore
lots of Asian style writing told me it was probably Korean or...
Japanese or...
I dunno
I ain't that hot on geography
or languages
so I'm only trying to kinda guess what was going on
that's the trouble with time
they kinda move things about
and it kinda loses you
I remember once
millions of years ago
driving clear across the country
but that country ain't there no more
just some dumb fuck silos
and a couple of hills
that kinda fool the followers into believing that their following in footsteps
wrong path my friend
wrong dream
don't fool yourself...
Trouble with dying
trouble with crying
the wheels turn
the mind burns
and you're not you no more
I wanna shout sometimes
kinda kick back and scream
but it ain't the thing to do
and that night it was even less appropriate
not with the company I was keeping
he was...
Important in a way
a link to the past
and besides
I loved that coat of his
it was leather
black
but the texture
the cracks
everything
it kinda reminded me of parched earth in Africa
you know like you see on the discovery channel?
Not like sandy deserts
or nothing
but where wet lands have droughted up
and the earth just cracks into lumps
leaves that kinda crazy texture on the land
Pretty weird continent Africa
I never known what to make of it I mean it's...
it's not like...
Peru
Peru ain't like Africa
or a mothers care
or winter in Seattle
not last time I looked anyway
He had eyes too
you ever noticed his eyes?
Deep
deep
deep
blue
deeper than an ocean
you kinda look into his eyes
and feel like your drowning
you feel like you could dive into his soul
and swim
for a million
billion
trillion years
and probably find a million worlds inside his soul
but I guess that's the answer
cuz he's been around so long
ya know?
The eyes reflect so much more
there's so much more to see inside
I wonder what my eyes are like...
Cry for the eyes you drown in
for the rivers they've seen
from the givers they've been
cry for the eyes you drown in
What the fuck are you doing still reading this?
No disrespect or nothing
but...
well...
I noticed this before
you kinda write something
and people go and read it
like it matters or something
and it don't
I mean what is this?
It's just words
nothin' more
just about me
and him
and how we met
and how we were
and Spanish quarters
that ain't Spanish no more
I mean it ain't worth a pile a shit
I ain't a writer
I'm a talker
talkin' on
and on
I guess you can read it if you want
but don't expect nothin'...
First Russian film I ever saw was with him
called "Repentance"
it was OK...
After the movie I said to him...
Hang on...
It'll come to me in a minute...
That's it
I said
"That was OK"
He looked at me for...
maybe 4 years?
Weighing up the options
mulling over what I said
and then fixed me with a look
right between my eyes
like a gun shot
CRACK
and then replied
"yeah"
Deep answer
deeper than a thousand words
my father always said
the deepest answers are the ones the responder makes you answer yourself
say nothing and they'll learn more...
Well my father might have said that
if I'd ever met him
personally I think the guy was a jerk
and didn't have a clue about anything
never liked my dad
even without meeting him
I ever told you about the bus?
I really should
before I stop talking
it's about my beginning
I remember it well
cuz I'd been around forever
before I was born...
On your knees
sucker
you dirty fucker
what you think you're dreaming for?
why you got a smile
why come for miles
for nothin'?
geez you are so fuckin' poor
poor of mind
and poor of wisdom
poor of soul
and poor of heart
close your eyes
and start again
sucker...
howl across the vista
of the imagination
sprinkled dreams of
starlike qualities
tender mercies
lost inside a vision
that was laying on an empty seat
in some coach or another
traveling to another town
that no ones ever been to
or ever will again
changing as it does
with every shifting grain of sand
scattered by the breeze
and if a tear should wake the dead
and grant them dreams anew
then maybe we'll dance again
maybe me and you...
I never seen the snake or wolf
I've only ever seen the stars
maybe I should fall asleep
facing another way?
No change really
another beating
soon be another railroad station
another con to fund it...
That ain't a life...
and that's only told you a few brief highlights
doesn't mention
for example
the cop that used to torture me
when I was 11
lived near me
and came round everynight
to torture me and get...
his 'excitement'...
it doesn't tell you about watching a girl I was in love with being burnt to death in a car
in front of my eyes...
it doesn't tell you about being thrown out of a moving taxi at speed
to lay unconscious by the roadside in snow all night...
it tells you a few brief highlights
but enough to show I ain't had a life...
and I don't think I ever will do...
It's funny
lots of people
everyday
seek knowledge about when they'll die
or how long they'll live for
well I'd tell them this
be happy with not knowing
cuz if you know you can't die yet
you know how much more you gotta put up with
and I'll tell you straight
I ain't frightened of death
cuz I seen much much worse
and to me it's a great torture
knowing that I got a lot more of this shit in front of me...
I sat on the kitchen floor once
totally stoned out of my mind with my arm around my room mate
comforting each other after we'd been robbed
it was weird but that moment was beautiful...
in the depths of depression we found a golden moment
I coulda sat there forever...
she was about my...
3rd? sister
when she moved out my second sister moved in
it was good timing
although it wasn't quite the same with sister #2 the second time
Sister #2 was 14 yrs old when I met her
I met her in a park...
I was totally high
(always was in those days...)
and she came and talked to me...
vulnerable people always find people to talk to
over the next few weeks I found out she was being abused by her step father...
at first she used to climb out her window at night and come and sleep in my place
then sneak home in the morning
all she did was sleep
but she just felt safer doing it at my place
but eventually
as she got older
she moved in...
Sister #3 was 18
I think
she wasn't in to much trouble
but she had a room in a house full of guys
and they weren't to respectful
she felt uncomfortable with the way they acted towards her
and the way they treated her
lack of privacy and stuff
which is important for most people
but more so when you're an 18 yr. old girl
so that's why she moved in with me...
I always tried to be the best bro. a guy could be to all my sisters
I only ever felt real bad on one occasion
and that's when I was so full of pills one time
and got kinda a little angry one night
I wasn't like violent
or abusive
but I did raise my voice
and said something harsh
in a very sharp way...
it was no big deal really
but I shouldn't have done it
and that was the last time I took pills to get high
I decided my sister came first
and just kicked the habit there and then
although it wasn't that hard
as I was so full of other junk in those days...
not that they ever knew...
You know there's a lot of lost people out there?
I met a million so far
and I bet I missed most of them...
I'd like a real family
I nearly had it once...
when I was about 16 my girlfriend at the time got pregnant
but she aborted it...
C'est la vie...
I guess I have to understand
she was 16
I was probably never gonna be a 'husband'
in her eyes
and her family would have pushed her...
but it still kinda cuts you know?
My family is kinda complicated
I got a sister
and a brother
that died before I was born...
that's sad
but I never knew them
so it ain't something that hurts as much as if I'd lost someone close...
Then I got another brother
who I ain't seen since less than 1 years old
he lives overseas
and I don't know where
and I don't know his name
or nothing
(only his first name)
so I probably wont ever see him
I tried to track him down but there ain't no official records or nothing...
and then I got a sister but...
her daddy was in movies and she don't know about me
and I ain't gonna screw up his life
or hers
by kinda turning up...
So I'm an only child
with a big family...
if that makes sense?
Should I be jealous?
I'm not
but should I be?
I mean my sister probably has everything
but that just makes me happy
I'd hate to ruin her world
by being part of it..
Only family member I can guarantee exists
or is alive still
is a baseball player
told my sis about him once
it's kinda comforting to know there is someone out there
even if they don't know who I am
or I can't prove I'm me...
I'd like to be someone normal
normal life
normal family
but I have no education
no money
a criminal record
a history of drugs
and the big one...
I died
(so the records say)
so I don't even have an identity
I am a fake now
the real me
dead
buried
check the record office...
And I might as well be dead for real
cuz I don't have a life
everything you see
everything you hear
every poem
every story
every thought
every opinion is me...
No education
just learnt from my life...
But you know what's good?
I mean you could read this
and be sad about the past
but that's all it is...
the past...
Or you could read it
and see that I survived
that's good ain't it?
So there is some sunlight here
the day isn't all storm clouds
there's always reasons to be happy I guess...
I woke up the next day in my room
it wasn't a good a room
the window didn't shut properly
so when I crossed the room that morning
to find my clothes
I found myself slipping on Ice
who lives in a room with Ice on the floor?
See that crack?
See it in that pane?
that's not my window...
empty room
that once was
and now it is again
in negative
and licked by flames
all around
yet in the center is...
black
and how can black repel the light
unaided
and how can...
Nah...
that has to stay with me...
that's my world...
I'd like to float above my mind
beyond my thoughts and chaos
to leave the tempest down below
and float among the tranquil clouds
that kiss the sky of quiet
I'd love to sleep awake for once
to see the world move slow
instead of shooting stars
of pain filled thoughts...
Room was cold...
well...
compared with the mountains it was warm
but being as how I was now used to milder
it felt cold...
that whole climate thing again
see above
I'm not typing it twice!
repeated theme of mother...
One of the worst insults I've received lately was from a guy
who accused me of trying to take advantage
of 'vulnerable' women
as I like to talk to women a lot
how sad and insulting...
yeah
for one reason or another
I have missed certain key women from my life
so I like to talk to women a lot
not to replace anyone specifically
but because I have a lot of respect
and admiration
for a lot of women
and would like to spend more time in their company
men
I feel
are more 'animal' than women...
And as for 'vulnerable'
so
so
so insulting
most of the women I was talking to
at the time
I actually respected for their strength
their character
their wisdom
their compassion
god
the list goes on
and on
and on
but weak
and vulnerable doesn't enter the equation
didn't women get liberated a few years ago?
Didn't we move on from the weaker sex shit?
Looks like the 'vulnerable' weak one might have been the guy throwing insults to me...
Especially when I saw him arguing with a young girl a day or two later...
Very sad...
But anyway...
the point I wanted to make was that my mother
although I have never known her
has played a key part in my life
I wrote this for her:
I never knew my mother
but she was perfect
I only have one memory of her
one silent picture
I have one of these memories where I can pull things up
like a TV set
and see them once again
in living Technicolor
like they were back then
like they were real again
and I have this one memory of my mother
and she's leaning over me in my crib
and she's weeping
and telling me stuff
and...
Well I was a baby back then
so I didn't understand a word she said
and so I can't pull it up
and hear it again
but I can look at the pictures
and know what she is saying
what else could she be saying?
what can a mother
who is about to give up her child
be saying
as she stands over him weeping?
cuz giving up your child
is the hardest thing you can do...
Some people jump all over a mother
who gives up her child
but man you want to take it easy
and think
cuz these people are making the ultimate sacrifice
they are recognizing
that to give to their child
they must take the heartache
of never knowing them
never seeing them
never being with them
or holding them
or sharing with them
that's heavy stuff
only a strong heart can do that
So I know what she's saying
I can hear her heart
and my mom never argued with me
never shouted at me
all she gave me was a chance
a hope
and the perfect memory of her
dressed immaculate
in the tears of her love
I never knew my mother
but she was perfect
I love her
and always will...
It talks about how her act of love for me
whilst maybe something that might be attacked by a lot of society
is something that I saw as an act of love
and strength
and how I've been able to use that as a support over the years
and to draw on it
I really do have love for her...
Mother used say to me
"Son
if I ever knew you
if we'd ever met
I might of loved you"
And you can't ask for anything more
hope is all you're worth
a dream painted with the face of a clown
smiling in the lighted ring
crying in the shadows
The wind of change sings another song...
I took ride once to my past
stood outside my mothers house
just to see
just to feel like I belonged
like there'd been a beginning
then I wandered off down the road
to a bar at the corner of the street
got high
and blew my money on a card game...
I spent that night in a cell
cold and alone
it's the closest I ever came to my mother
closest I ever came to having a family
but that's life...
On my first full day in Vancouver I wanted to reconnect with some of my friends from my
Internet half of life
I'd been ten days on the road
with little or no contact with most of them
and I missed them
wanted to touch base so to speak
so I went on the trawl for a computer
luckily for me there was one about 3 or 4 doors down from where I was staying...
Roberto was a cool guy
he'd come up to Canada from Peru
he was friendly
and helpful
over the next few weeks I would spend a lot of time there
and I would grow to think of Roberto as a friend...
Witness for the prosecution:
'You have spent a wasted life'
Witness for the defense:
'winter is winter is winter'
One of the first things I did at Robertos was to try and connect with the people I'd said good bye to
about ten days before
it was important to contact sis
Megan is a big part of my life
we've walked a road together now for over two years
and she is the nearest thing I have to family
to real family
I call her sis because that is exactly what she is to me
I don't see her as anything short of blood to me
Megan is an amazing person
so young
lived such a harsh life at times
yet so talented
and so strong
people often praise me for having been there for her
but that's bullshit
she's been there for me
she deserves the praise
no one else
I don't know what she will grow to become
the person she will be a thousand years from now
but I know the person she has been
and I thank god that I knew her
she has touched my life
and touched my heart
and enriched me in a way that few others have done
we have laughed together
and cried together
seen the sunrise
and the storm clouds roll in
I don't think anything could ever detract
from what we have shared
or the path that we have walked together
I dedicate everything to her
and would go to whatever length was necessary
to be there for her
and to support her...
I also wanted to connect with the people in Vancouver
that I had met online
and the girl from Michigan
that was important
it was kinda crazy though
having not received my invitation
while hanging around in the cold
and desolate land of Ohio
now I'd traveled 2500 miles west of there
I was to learn that my Michigander had feelings for me
I was very touched by this
the road can be a very lonely place...
I tried to put her off the idea of me
tried to explain about the baggage I carry
but to no avail
and to be honest
I was glad of that
put a smile upon my face
and then...
She
and a friend
were organizing an event in Michigan
would I be coming?
Miles and miles of smiles upon my face
a place that felt like it was cracking
could she stop me?
I mean...
well screw the event
here was a warm
kind
caring
beautiful
personality
asking if I would like to come and visit
as she liked me...
How could I refuse?
Also...
I connected again with Vincy
he'd just crossed Canada to get back to Vancouver
and he asked me if I wanted a coffee
just up from Broadway and main
30 minutes walk
better get a move on
I walked pretty briskly
had to
I had a phone call to make
and a walk to walk
before I met Vincy
and I was pretty high at the time...
Now I'm sure I was short changed somewhere in here
cuz Broadway and main is uphill ALL the way
so I walked
and walked
and walked
through Chinatown
and up
up
up the mountain
that is Main St. when you're high...
Highing
Flying
Trying
to climb the mountain
Legs that walk
but never move
minds that move
and never stay
to play
in the spot of now
only how
the next moment will happen
flatten the mountain
flatten
the pattern
of flat line dreaming
And I walked
and walked
and walked
while standing still
in dreams of could have beens
and should have beens
and ain't no fucker gonna move me
I belong
but...
I belong
but...
inside and out
it's up to the dreamer
And I walked on down the street
staring at the feet of the buildings
looking at the stones
that held the weight of the city
the foundations that bore the troubles
that bore the sins
that bore the children of the ghetto
tomorrow's tears
I arrived about 11 am
I saw a guy that I thought was Vincy
but I still had the call to make
so I ended up walking all the way around the block
before I finally had a chance to say Hi to him...
well...
before I get to Vincy...
Got a friend coming over tonight
I first met him a couple of years before he changed
and then about um...
fifty years later?
I was in a different town
and noticed him around
and kinda thought to myself
ya know
what's he doing here?
I mean like
after fifty years
you don't expect to see old friends
running around still young and fresh do you?
Anyway...
um...
you see that show?
Nah
I don't think anyone did
I have doubts now if it was actually on TV
Ain't that a pisser?
I'm always doing that
I really enjoy some show
and then...
well I find out it wasn't on at all and...
Distant strength
the length
of un-awakened passions
fashioned by the dream
of glistening waters
from your stream
and...
look into my eyes
the whole worlds sleeping
So I took her hand
and we crossed the road
and I said to him
"Hey
guy
I ain't seen you for fifty years"
and he looked at me
paused a while
and replied
"Fuck that's nothing
I ain't never seen you"
So I had to kinda explain I was someone else
and he took it quite well
sometimes that sort of info. doesn't go down to well...
You ever find yourself looking out a window
and all you see is yourself inside?
I do sometimes
but often the wisps of smoke
from my cigarette
drift back from the glass
and into my eyes
and all I see is the inside of my tears...
Tears
kissing fears
of...
oh my god
what have I done
what has become
of yesterday?
Anyway we decided to go get a beer
it was late
so it suited us both
we left the girl I was with in some dumpster in an alley
just off 5th and main
and walked over to the Spanish quarter
looking for a little bar
that we'd been to many moons ago
but...
well the neighborhood had changed
I don't even think the area was that Spanish anymore
lots of Asian style writing told me it was probably Korean or...
Japanese or...
I dunno
I ain't that hot on geography
or languages
so I'm only trying to kinda guess what was going on
that's the trouble with time
they kinda move things about
and it kinda loses you
I remember once
millions of years ago
driving clear across the country
but that country ain't there no more
just some dumb fuck silos
and a couple of hills
that kinda fool the followers into believing that their following in footsteps
wrong path my friend
wrong dream
don't fool yourself...
Trouble with dying
trouble with crying
the wheels turn
the mind burns
and you're not you no more
I wanna shout sometimes
kinda kick back and scream
but it ain't the thing to do
and that night it was even less appropriate
not with the company I was keeping
he was...
Important in a way
a link to the past
and besides
I loved that coat of his
it was leather
black
but the texture
the cracks
everything
it kinda reminded me of parched earth in Africa
you know like you see on the discovery channel?
Not like sandy deserts
or nothing
but where wet lands have droughted up
and the earth just cracks into lumps
leaves that kinda crazy texture on the land
Pretty weird continent Africa
I never known what to make of it I mean it's...
it's not like...
Peru
Peru ain't like Africa
or a mothers care
or winter in Seattle
not last time I looked anyway
He had eyes too
you ever noticed his eyes?
Deep
deep
deep
blue
deeper than an ocean
you kinda look into his eyes
and feel like your drowning
you feel like you could dive into his soul
and swim
for a million
billion
trillion years
and probably find a million worlds inside his soul
but I guess that's the answer
cuz he's been around so long
ya know?
The eyes reflect so much more
there's so much more to see inside
I wonder what my eyes are like...
Cry for the eyes you drown in
for the rivers they've seen
from the givers they've been
cry for the eyes you drown in
What the fuck are you doing still reading this?
No disrespect or nothing
but...
well...
I noticed this before
you kinda write something
and people go and read it
like it matters or something
and it don't
I mean what is this?
It's just words
nothin' more
just about me
and him
and how we met
and how we were
and Spanish quarters
that ain't Spanish no more
I mean it ain't worth a pile a shit
I ain't a writer
I'm a talker
talkin' on
and on
I guess you can read it if you want
but don't expect nothin'...
First Russian film I ever saw was with him
called "Repentance"
it was OK...
After the movie I said to him...
Hang on...
It'll come to me in a minute...
That's it
I said
"That was OK"
He looked at me for...
maybe 4 years?
Weighing up the options
mulling over what I said
and then fixed me with a look
right between my eyes
like a gun shot
CRACK
and then replied
"yeah"
Deep answer
deeper than a thousand words
my father always said
the deepest answers are the ones the responder makes you answer yourself
say nothing and they'll learn more...
Well my father might have said that
if I'd ever met him
personally I think the guy was a jerk
and didn't have a clue about anything
never liked my dad
even without meeting him
I ever told you about the bus?
I really should
before I stop talking
it's about my beginning
I remember it well
cuz I'd been around forever
before I was born...
On your knees
sucker
you dirty fucker
what you think you're dreaming for?
why you got a smile
why come for miles
for nothin'?
geez you are so fuckin' poor
poor of mind
and poor of wisdom
poor of soul
and poor of heart
close your eyes
and start again
sucker...