(no subject)

[diogenic]

Bus or the other guy?
What do I tell you about now?
bus?
guy?
guy?
bus?
Mmmm...
decisions
decisions
decisions...
life's hard...
OK...
I gotta be careful here
I mean when you talk about other people
you gotta try and protect them
I feel I gotta
cuz...
well it's respect ain't it?
It ain't right to talk about someone
when they can't talk back
so I'm afraid it's mystery man time
no names
no details that might give people away
but umm...
heres the story...

It was the late 1960's
after the summer had died...

FUNERAL NOTICE

HIPPIE
Haight-Ashbury District
of this city
Hippie
devoted son
of
Mass Media
Friends are invited
to attend services
beginning at sunrise
October 6, 1967
at
Buena Vista Park

The warlocks were dead
and the cuckoo had flown south
but in the void many new buses had grown
even if they sometimes spelt Magic with a TR
instead of an M
There was a guy
not that other guy
a different guy
son of a military man
although he'd swear blind his dad was dead...
he wanted him dead....

"Father, I want to kill you"

He'd been studying in LA
he was searching though
looking for something
anything
to grow
to be complete
so he headed east
across the Mojave
into desert wilderness
where he wandered until...
he found a bus
There was a ramshackle
motley crew on the bus
all shapes and sizes
old and young
guys and girls
love and drugs
so the guy jumped on the bus
and hung out for a while
smoked a little
loved a little
ya know the style...
Well this guy turns up
turns up with his troop of followers
thinks he's Jesus on LSD
and you can only have so many gods on one bus
can't ya?
So a war of personalities breaks out
centered on this one girl...
In the end the new guy wins
(well our guy leaves)
and so life rolls on...

Life is like a rolling river
sometimes taker
sometimes giver
but it never turns around for you
so make the most
of what you do...

Anyway guy number one left
took the highway west
west was the best
less crazy
you can do the drugs
cast the spells
sing the songs
love the girls
but we all got limits
don't we?
And guy number two?
He roamed the desert with his family
of followers
before...
Well that's another story...
Anyway...
the girl?
She got pregnant
left California
took a trip out east
but who was the father?
Where's the baby now?

Oh where
oh where
oh where are you now
alone
or not
missed
or missing
where are you now
and when the golden sun
climbs the azure sky
are you watching
are you watching
like I am
wondering if...
and when...
and...
where are you now?

Diogenic
and remembered
this life
that life
and how you keep them
all from mixing
inbetween
and often seen
the crossing over of a dream
and when one is
and when now was
I'll sit and wonder
just because...
diogenic
preamnaesics can

Well you knew about my mother
figured it was time to introduce my father...

Four times he tried
four times he cried
while trying to remember

The edge of the city is a strange place
there's wealth there
the rich have their big houses there
away from all the shit
and scum
that floats through the cities sewers
but...

Who sheds a tear for the clown
when the show is over?
Who spares a thought for him
alone in his trailer
listening to the sounds of happy laughter
of the excited kids
walking
talking
with their parents
as they leave the show
and he's all alone
scrubbing the smiling mask
from his face
as he contemplates another night
of cold solitude
before hitting the road again
in the morning
journey to another town
another show
each one the same as before
driven by desire to please
but never rewarded
just growing old
and bitter
and alone
who shed's a tear for the clown
when the show is over?

Sometimes you dream about the could have beens
and the might have beens
and you wonder what the answers are
how much you were affected
but you can't dwell on the past forever
you gotta look forward
and hope one day
that you find in tomorrow
what you missed in yesterday...

Silver lined
and beech wood finish
natural stone
and...
all the dreams
of all the places
all the textures
all the faces
and in them all
I'm never me
cuz I'm drowning

Was a guy once
nah...
maybe there wasn't
maybe there couldn't have been
but it sure seemed like it at the time...

I wonder where my paintings are now
I ain't painted
or sculpted
nothing since before I can remember
I did well with that
got stuck in some exhibition
and they gave me pieces of paper saying
one day
I might be someone...
Wonder where they are now
if they still exist
if they're framed on a wall somewhere
or just a load of firewood...
I had a dream at the time
the leisure dome
the total experience
sight
sound
touch
smell
and taste
textures
and visions
and words
and pictures
and smells
and music
and sounds
and boy it was good
was something else
I wish I had it still
wish it existed now
so that I might live
or die
within my dream
I always wanted to live
or die
within it
the ultimate journey...

Welcome
inside me
feel me
excite me
stimulate
and feel
and feel
I'm here
you're me
we're flying

My art teacher was some crazy dude
seemed to think...
well he liked me
I used to hang out at his place
with his family
and he let me be so free in class
I could smoke
drink
swear
and fight
ain't often you get to do that in class
I had this little place
I used to sit, on top of a locker
and from there I ruled my domain
across the classroom was the leisure dome
a work of love
beside it was the 100's of paintings
and sculptures I made
and painted
and I could view it all
from my raised position
as I sat and wrote
and thought
and smoked
and dreamt of tomorrow
kinda weird really
I kinda saw a different school from anyone else I met

Sorry
I got distracted there
and wandered of subject
where was I?

ahhh...
yes
Vincy...
Vincy is Armenian
Born in Turkey
spent the 60's in swinging London
and after traveling everywhere was meeting me in Vancouver
and I was high...
total insult to the man really
but I am who I am
so I stumbled in with my Hi's
and hoped I wouldn't be to rude...
it was a quietish meeting
we talked a while
and then went our separate ways
agreeing to meet up again on Sunday at the cafe monmatre
at 28th and main
for an open mic event
that's organized there by T.paul
and DJ Dutchboy
but I'll get to them later...
I walked back down the mountain I'd climbed to meet Vincy
the going was easier on the way back
the slope was in my favour
and the chill of winter was subsiding
we'd sat out on the sidewalk while we'd talked
how Bohemian of us?

I headed back to Robertos
said hi to a few people
(I seem to say hi a lot...)
and then went into downtown Van
to look around
got my self a good deal on a cell phone
that seemed to make sense
I figured if I was in town I should provide a means for people to contact me
and then headed back to my room...

I was kinda very high
but still took more
until I found myself drifting into drug induced dreams of...

there was a room
two rooms
the first had walls of glass
inside you could see everything
and you could look through it
and see out the other side
and through the other side you saw another room
and the other room had four walls
no windows
four white walls
and you couldn't see in it
and you couldn't see through it
and the glass room had no door
and the room with no glass did
and they both stood in a garden
at the top of a hill
and they were my rooms
I built them
and left them there
I wonder what the owners of the garden thought
when they got back from their holiday....

I climbed the cliff
daily
weekly
monthly
all the times
and all my youth
and then one day
a million years later
I met this pilot
USAF guy
told me he was the only guy who'd climbed the cliff
toast of his unit
a hero
a real man
I smiled
and walked to the bathroom

I had this dream
within my dream
of a dream I'd had as a child
and in this dream
I was in a basement
and this guy was there
and I was scared
cuz it felt like a dream I'd had
and I had a panic attack
and left the room
went outside
and hid under this boat
in the yard
and this black widow spider crawled over my face
and I woke sweating and crying
and I never forgot that dream
and months later I went to Canada
to meet a guy I'd never met before
and I went in his basement
and this guy was there
and I was scared
cuz it felt like a dream I'd had
and I had a panic attack
and left the room
went outside
and hid under this boat
in the yard
and this black widow spider crawled over my face
and I was sweating and crying
but I didn't wake up
cuz second time it wasn't a dream
but I figured why I felt scared
why I sweated and cried
cuz you couldn't change the future...

you ever stood there
knowing what's gonna happen
knowing if you crawl under that boat
a black widow spiders gonna crawl over your face
but you still crawl under
you have to
it was written
it had already happened?

Tears without frontiers
on a butterfly
with gossamer wings

"Blue moon, I saw you standing alone..."

I walked barefoot down the street
a puzzled look on my face
wondering as I was wandering
the cold
rain soaked sidewalk
beneath my step
my sodden feat
softened by the water
hardened by the road
dreaming of...

The night is a mystery
ruled by mother god
she watches as we ponder her mysteries
silent in the aftermath
of great parties known
heavy drinking
and a love song
that never ended
just drifted into another song
something like the blues
but without the rhythm
life ain't got no rhythm
when the wind is calling...
And I walked
and I walked
and every step took me nowhere
just gave me time to try and find an answer
for the waiting stars
but the silver lady of the night knew they weren't coming
knew the answers never come
just more questions
more riddles
and rhymes
more times you ask
less you know
as you wander on...
And the streetlight flickered overhead
distracting from the plan
helping guide the hand of sober tomorrow
over the sorrow of what was
before the dream was over
and the pull of sleep
guides you from the waking dream
and to the thoughts of conscious now
and here
and why am I walking barefoot on the street?
Why am I here?
And so I turn back for a bed
a place to sleep
and to forget
before tomorrow starts the game again...

Dreams...
always dreams
always dreaming
my life within my life
dreams play a large part in my life...

Now you see...
have you spotted it yet?
the reason I will never write a novel?
cuz I jump around to much
I find it boring just telling a story
I lose my way
I'll be half way through telling something
and think

'fuck it'

I have something else I'd rather say
or as is more often the case
I just start thinking about something completely different
well...

'fuck it'

I don't want to write a novel
maybe I'll finish this story sometime
maybe I won't
but for now
bye bye Vancouver
Hello distractions...

but...
here we go
I decide to jump around in the tale
then the first thing that crosses my mind is a story
not to far from where I left off...

OK...
I bought this cell phone
and I was laying in bed one night
I didn't sleep much...
a window that didn't fit
and the noise
combined to stop me having to much sleep
the noise worked on a wave system
room 1 would turn on their music
and room 2 would turn there's up
to drown out the noise of room 1
then room 3 would turn there's on
even louder
to drown out the noise from rooms 2 and 1
and so on
till the whole building was quaking with noise
from 8 am till 2 am the next morning
only 6 hours of cold
cold
silence
and then there was still the street noises
from outside
and one or two people playing there music loudly
in one or two of the rooms
but it felt like silence
compared with the rest of the day
so...
anyway...
that has nothing
or little
to do with my story
so I'll get back to the point in hand
I was laying asleep
at around 3 am
when my cell started ringing
so I woke
and answered it
and this girl asks if this guy was there
I said no
and that she must have the wrong number
but at first she must have thought I was joking
or something
as she started arguing
(not in a nasty way though)
with me
claiming that he must be there
and that if he wouldn't come to the phone could I tell him she wouldn't be home
(or something like that
to be honest
I'm rather rude
and pay little attention to what people are saying
if they are strangers
who phone
and wake me
at about 3 am)
but in the end I convinced her it was the wrong number
and she apologized
and went away...
I was very tired
so I fell back to sleep almost instantly
only to be woken by the same girl again
she said

'you got a really nice voice
would you like to go out with my friend?'
it's a crazy
crazy world...

If that phone rings again I swear I'll scream
driving me crazy
and they always want an answer
impatient bastards
you leave it for a moment
tell your mind you want them to go way
leave you alone
and they sit there letting it ring
letting it fuck you off
can't they take a psychic hint?
if the phone rings again I swear I'll scream
and even if you answer
they only want to talk
to say things
to utter words in electric signals
down your ear
into your brain
and you didn't even want to answer
and now they've filled your understanding
with cancer thoughts
and why the fuck they ringing for?
if that phone rings again I swear I'll scream
what's wrong with silence sometimes
no noise
no noise
what's wrong with that
why do we have to have your chirping song of
ring
ring
ring
and can't you take a psychic hint
fuck off
if that phone rings again I swear I'll scream

Guess what?
Wrong number...

Have you ever been to...
somewhere
somewhere you know so well
somewhere you live
and found yourself a stranger
found yourself a stranger in your own dream

one
two
skip a few
99
100

anyone reading this for the romance?
you're going to be disappointed
I'll get to it later
but the girl in Michigan?
it didn't work out
well it did
but then it unworked out
long and complicated story
skip a few chapters and you'll find it
(well you can't skip a few chapters
cuz I don't write in chapters
but...)

And October brings the rain
Cold spittin'
brain splittin'
ain't no answer
to the questions posed...

I am not a poet
the poem is just my heart
and the songs it sings for you
and the gifts it brings for you

I am not a singer
the song is just my tears
how I cry to be away from you
never seeing the image of you

And if dreams can really come true
then I know one day I will stand with you
cuz the poems have been written
and the songs have been sung

I am not a poet
the poem is just my heart
and the songs it sings for you
and the gifts it brings for you

The heat burnt down upon my body
my legs and arms were sore
and ached with the gentlest of touches
and contact was impossible to avoid
stuck as I was
in this glue of people
this impenetrable mass
body pressed against body
the foul smell of stale breath
from faces pushed into mine
as I tried to struggle
and fight my way through...

The smell
the heat
my sore aching body
I almost wished I had room to feint
but pure animal instinct told me
I had to carry on...

I was driven on
forward
forward
what seemed like eternally forward

I had to get through
through the crowds
the mad pack of people
down side streets
and alleys
over debris
and barricades
climbing
crawling
fighting
and walking
forward
forward

Meters seemed like miles
Short streets
that I'd once traveled in seconds
now seemed to take a lifetime...

The heat
the smell
the nausea
but I had to make it
forward
forward
pushing on at any cost
trampling on the bodies
of the poor
the weak
the sick
and the lame
that had fallen
and failed
the casualties of this mass exodus
But I wouldn't fail
I couldn't fail
not if I could keep going
I had to keep going
forward
forward

'and now the end is near
and so I face the final curtain...'

Laughter
mad, incessant laughter
everybody looking at me
pointing
laughing

The heat
no water
I needed water
I needed water...

'why is everyone watching me?
why do they stare?'

Laughing
Laughing

I had to keep going
I had to push on
forward
forward

I was so feint
so weak
so...

It was dark
cool
the streets were empty
I was all alone
where was everybody?
was I dreaming?

No noise now
just silence
such contrast from the madness
the bedlam
but where was everybody?
where had they gone?

The night was still
there was no sound...

The sun rose in the morning sky
there was still no sign of life
no man
no animal
no insect
and most worringly
no sound
not even the sound of my own footsteps
as I walked the lonely, empty streets...

I screamed
A silent scream

'Inner pain
cold from dreaming
nothing left
internal screaming...'

What had happened?
Where was I anyway?
What had I been doing in those strange crowded streets?
Why was I fighting?
Why would anyone ever fight?

It was so peaceful
and quiet
no noise
no noise
not even a morning bird song...

Why not?

Surely I must have gone mad
or perhaps I died
died in the heat
in the struggle
that's it!
I must have died
died or gone mad
or...
maybe I just feinted and everyone went away...

Where was everybody?
Not everyone would go away
someone must be around
someone must be here...
But I couldn't call them
I couldn't shout...

Silence
I couldn't make a sound
Why not?
What had happened?
If I wasn't mad now
I soon would be...

The silence
the emptiness
the loneliness
it was...

It was hot...
The heat burnt down upon my body
my legs and arms were sore
and ached with the gentlest of touches
and contact was impossible to avoid
stuck as I was
in this glue of people...

The sky was...
colored with your smile
painted warm against the night
telling me there's reasons
always reasons
and everywhere I walked I saw your smile
and it told me I was safe
and I was breathing...

Woke with a cough
but then I always do
gotta clear my throat of the scum of a thousand years of self abuse
gotta breathe some how
and it could be worse
had a friend once who used to have to belch his words
his throat was shot from lifetimes of living
shot to death
to belched words of wisdom
on his way out
I pulled the blanket close around me
to try to hide from the cold
but the morning
(or afternoon
who knows when it was
when it is?)
was calling me
so I slipped off the mattress
stood up
and slid on a shoe
where was the other?
O fuck...
I think
if memory serves me right
and it often doesn't
I think it was last seen being thrown after some cockroach that had dared to bug me before I went to bed the night before
the fucking thing had spoilt my night
I'd been sitting
high and happy
just thinking about the night
when this black bastard had shot out from nowhere and started dancing in the corner of my eye
I turned to look and found this damn roach running across the floor
and...
in my stoned state I was to fucked to move so I'd sent my shoe to deal with it...
I crossed over the room and picked up the shoe
it was slightly damp from the rain that had attacked it through the ill fitting window
but it was my only pair so I put it on and suffered
such is life...

I drew back the bottom corner of the curtain to get a look at the day
it was gray
it looked like it had been raining recently
but it was dry and cloudy now
I don't like cloudy
gray skies are to bluesy over gray shitty streets
you need the sun to bring them to life
I looked back at the mattress and considered sleep again
but that was a dumb idea
I'd slept long enough and I'd just lie there for thirty boring minutes tossing and turning before finally giving into the day
besides I had things to do
like eat
drink
raise funds
and buy drugs...

I rolled a morning joint and lit it
just a little something to start the day
and listened for the other residents
I liked to avoid them as much as possible
I don't know why
I just...
they just...
I just liked to avoid them
so I listened to the hostel whilst I sat and smoked
it sounded kinda quiet so I figured it was either early
(pre midday)
and no one was up yet
or it was late
(post three)
and every one was out
it didn't really matter
it just meant I got to leave in peace
I finished the joint
checked my pocket for my key and left

The streets round this way were considered kinda hostile
but I didn't see them that way
sure there was occasional screams
or raised voices
at night
and some of the dealers and hookers could be a little pushy in selling their wares
and there had been that robbery the night before
now I'd been stupid in that
I'd had a sudden munch attack
I wanted one of those sickly rice cake bar things
(what are they called again?)
so I'd gone into the store on the corner one block up from the hostel
it was about eleven o'clock at night and the place was empty apart from me and the shop keeper until these two guys in ski masks burst in brandishing guns and screaming for everyone to get on the floor
now I was totally wasted and I looked down and the floor looked dirty and a million miles away
so I said
if they didn't mind
I'd rather not
and this totally threw them
I remember one of the guys looking straight into my eyes and I could see him thinking
is this a have-a-go hero or is this guy just crazy
(I think crazy was the better description)
and he just stared at me in silence for a good minute before saying
'suit yourself man'
so I did and went of to look for sickly rice cake bar things while they robbed the store...
They didn't get very far
they ran out the door into the arms of waiting cops
I saw them on the ground being searched as I left the shop
the cops asked me if I'd seen anything
I said no
fucking idiots
I'm in a store being robbed
did I see anything?
And they took no as an answer?
Anyway...
regardless of all these little incidents I didn't find the streets in the area that hostile
there was a lot of people around and most seemed friendly so it didn't bother me walking around at anytime of day or night

I didn't really have a plan for the day
I knew I had to make money
and I had to eat
so I headed downtown
there was more money in that direction so it seemed to make sense

I followed the herds of everyday people
walking along
lost in their ant like duties
societies drones
but there didn't seem to be any opportunities
it didn't feel like a good day for making money
so after walking around for to long in a total field of boredom I headed back for my district and ducked into the Internet cafe
I wasn't likely to score any fortunes there but I got on well with the owner so I figured to talk my way into some free time online and have a rest while I chatted to some of my online friends
It was only about a five minute walk to the cafe
but it took me about fifteen as I stopped off en route for another joint

I was right in my assumptions
I turned up at the cafe and talked my way straight online
and found a few of my contacts online
so I sat and chatted awhile

I dunno how long I had been talking for when the noises started
at first it was just a few cars passing
horns honking
people shouting
but as time went by there was an ever increasing stream of noise
what the fuck was going on?
I kept turning to look out the window but all I saw was cars going by with flags waving out the window
OK...
I figured something had happened
but what?
Had a war been won or something?
Were we at war?
Fuck...
I should know these things I thought...

I turned back to the net
I had friends who were online at that very moment who lived not far away
now they must know what the hell was going on
mustn't they?
So I surfed over to this message board where I knew I'd find them and started reading threads that were posted their for clues
it didn't take long to work out what was going on
they'd only won the fucking gold at the Olympics
now that was something I should have known about
I mean...
not knowing about a war was one thing
but this was sport
in the twenty first century you can't get much more important than sport
(or so it seems...)

Well...
I ain't Mr. Sport but...
winning gold medals equals party time!
So I typed my apologies to my online buddies and hit the road back into downtown...

The place was so different from when I'd been there earlier
the streets were buzzing with cars and people and there was a carnival atmosphere
now...
this wasn't my country but on this day that didn't seem to matter
everyone seemed invited to the party and so I soon found myself sitting in the back of an open top car waving a flag around and screaming and shouting just like the rest of the masses
(well shouting between sips of beer from all the free cans that were being passed my way...)

It was great
there seemed to be a real sense of unity
a real sense of party
and I was loving every minute of it until we were going around the circuit for about the third time...

I don't know what made me look across to that corner
something must have caught my eye
but I couldn't tell you what
but I can tell you what I saw when I looked across
there was a guy
a bum
and he was sitting there
looking like shit
waving a flag
and it just brought a tear to my eye
and from that moment
as we continued driving around
I could suddenly see all the bums
the hobos
the crackheads
the whores
all of them...

So what's my point?
I dunno...
it was just the sadness of the image
the losers
the down and outs
those that had been let down by society
desperately trying to enjoy the moment
even though their country had let them down
they still supported it
I guess they loved their country
even if the politicians fuck it up for them
it made me sad
I could imagine next election day
promises to 'clean up' the streets
lock up the scum
get rid of them all
sweep them under the carpet
and this scum they were talking about?
patriotic citizens...
it was a sad thought
maybe I'm wrong
but people don't fuck things up from the bottom
they fuck things up from the top
I've met so many people who aren't bad people
they're victims
they could be helped
and if they were helped
the world would be a better place...
or maybe I'm a naive fool...
who knows?
who cares?
I'm not in a position to change the world...

Anyway...
the thoughts
the image
the sadness at seeing the poor
the sick
the unfortunate
suffering unseen in doorways
kinda put me off my celebration
so I wandered back to the cafe and started talking to my friends again
I'd go out later to find food and money...

It was winter
so it got dark pretty early
the gray streets outside became black streets
even more depressing...
It hadn't felt like a very long day
but then again it might not have been
I might have got up later than I thought
I don't know
I have a watch but I very rarely use it
Anyway...
sometime during the night
after it had got dark
I decided it was time to go feed
I was hungry
and I don't like hunger
I've been hungry to many times
I've known the pain of it
so it kinda freaks me when I go with out food
I hate it when you're forced to go without food for days and your stomach contracts and then
the famine is broken by some dish you absolutely love but you can't manage more than a mouthful
and you can't savour it and...
the down sides of poverty
so...
So I like to eat when I can
and I still had a few bucks in my pocket yet
so I went to feed

There was a place
about a block or two away that sold pizza slices for ninety nine cents
that worked for me
they were good size slices
and I'd always liked pizza so I went and got myself a slice of pepperoni
(I love pepperoni pizza but I very rarely spell it the same way twice
I wish they could call it something simpler...)
I got my slice and left the store
eating it as I walked down the street
I liked to eat on the night street
I liked to drink on the night street
I liked to walk on the night street
there's just something magical about the night
about it's cool night air
I'm not sure what it is but the night is just so magical...

I didn't really have a plan
so I just walked aimlessly as I ate
I wasn't really paying attention to anything
or anyone
I was vaguely aware that a couple of people had approached me to try and sell me rocks
but I hadn't so much as looked up at them
I'd just greeted them with a sharp no and a shake of my head

I think crack is my least favorite drug
sure the hit is good
but it seems to be the most debilitating of drugs
(in the long term)
it really seems to fuck people up
there's something dark about it that I just don't like
I guess the same could be said for most of the shit I've done in my life but I just have this thing about crack

I think I must have ate slowly that night as I seemed to cover a heck of long distance whilst I walked and ate so I was kinda surprised when I looked up and found myself about ten blocks away from the hostel
it was no big deal
I could walk back again pretty quickly
it was just a surprise
and it was a bigger surprise yet when I heard a voice from a dark doorway calling my name...

At first I figured I must have imagined it
but then I heard it again
so I looked across at the doorway
but it was to dark to see anyone's face

'Who's that?'

I asked

Black widows
in darkened doorways
ticking time bombs...

'Don't you recognise me?'

She said
as she stepped out of the doorway
and as the street light hit her
I did recognise her
Paula James
blonde
crackhead
hooker
I think she was from Seattle
but I'd met in a few cities
I first met her when I was thirteen and she was about eighteen
she'd fucked me for my birthday
and then robbed me of my birthday gifts while I'd been asleep
I hadn't got much
just a couple of things from my friends
but it hurt like shit
I guess I got fucked twice that night...

'Hi Paula'

I said

'Still working?'

A lame line
but what else do you ask?

'Yeah
I'm looking for some rock
you holding?'

'Nah'

I answered
I should have figured she'd only made herself known cuz she was after something...

'I don't play that game no more
don't play many games like that
I'm trying to keep myself clean
straight
trying to make a life...'

She laughed
and I can't say that I blamed her
I guess it sounded funny to people from my past
me trying to be honest?
trying to be normal?
who was I trying to kid?
I didn't stand a chance
but I still tried to aim for the dream...

'So you got a room?'

She asked

'Yeah
shit hole of a place
but I got somewhere
you?'

she looked at me
she smiled
I knew I should have said no
I knew what was coming next...

'Yeah
I got a place but it's out Abbotsford
I can't get back to night
any chance of staying at your place?'

I'm a sucker every time
I knew she was building to the ask
and I walked right into it...

'I got some grass
some smokes
come on...'

How could I say no?
Easily I guess
but I don't like to let people down...
not to their faces

Shit that sounds shallow
so I'm willing to let a person down behind their back?
I didn't mean it like that
I meant...
I don't ever like to let a person down
but if I'm going to
or if I have to
it's easier to not do it to their face

So we walked the ten blocks or so back to my room
I wasn't meant to have any visitors
there was a charge of an extra ten dollars for visitors in your room
and if they stayed past eleven
(and it was probably way past that already...)
you had to pay double room rates
even if it's a single room

Luckily there was no one about when we arrived so I managed to sneak Paula in and upstairs without incurring costs
although she'd assured me that if we'd been caught she would have paid
I don't know if she really would though
so it was a relief not to have to put it to the test

We sat on the bed
we tried to talk
but it was hard
most of our shared interests were street things
drugs
sex
poverty
shit like that
and I wasn't in the mood to talk about that stuff
especially when she was coming from the angle of wanting to buy drugs
or sell herself
she offered it to me for twenty bucks
then when I said no
ten bucks
even five bucks
then she tried for nothing...

I never understood that
there's a sort of...
I dunno
it's like the Patty Hearst thing
the hostage thing
where you spend long enough as a prisoner you form a sort of mental bound with your captives
or...
An abused woman
who gets beaten by her husband everyday
beaten badly
yet she stays around
or even worse
when she finally escapes the cycle of violence and torture she goes back to him...
Well prostitution can be like that
you degrade yourself selling your body to sweaty
fat
nasty men
who have no respect for you
you loathe them
you loathe yourself
sex becomes a job
a ritual
it gives you no pleasure
yet you try to push it on to people
for nothing
when there's no need
she was like that that night
there was no need to try and make moves on me
but she did
in the end
(and maybe that was the intention and I just fell for it
but I doubt it...)
in the end I offered her ten dollars to go buy a rock
maybe if she got high
got pre occupied I might get some sleep without having to fuck her for the sake of it
I'm sorry
maybe I'm a fool
maybe I was looking a gift horse in the mouth
but I only like sex within a loving relationship
no disrespect to anyone who wants it different from that
that's up to them
but I prefer to lay with someone I love
I just think it's better that way
it means more
the love
the passion
it heightens the experience for me...

So...
Having smuggled her in
now we had to sneak out again to go buy a rock...

It was definitely late by now
the normal people had long since left the streets
only the disenfranchised and the people of the night remained

We headed off for a corner about two blocks away
it was a well known place to buy and sell drugs
the closer we got to the corner the more people we encountered
the authorities could deny it all they wanted but the city had a drugs problem
and the cops were scared of it
they couldn't just send in one car
or two cars
not even ten cars
or twenty
it wouldn't be enough
even now
in the middle of the night they would have found themselves well out numbered even if they sent in fifty or a hundred cars
so instead they sent in none
and pretended nothing was wrong
they only picked up the dealers that dared to stray away from the corner into other places
places where they had no back up
and where 'decent' folk might walk

She knew where she was heading
she knew her man
and made a b-line straight for him
dodging the grasping hands of rival dealers

'wanna buy a rock?'

'wanna rock?'

'wanna buy a rock?'

It was like a mantra
some sick mantra
from some sick crackhead religion
over and over again
the faces pushing into yours
invading
invading
I hate crackheads
it just doesn't work for me...
So I stood on the corner as she scored her rock

'All done?'

I asked
I figured she was but I thought I better just check that there hadn't been any complications
I hate complications
they usually result in having to run away
being beaten up
or getting shot at
three of my least favorite pastimes...

'Kinda...'

She said
and looked at me and smiled again

'O fuck'

I thought
this is not how it was advertised on the label...

'What the fuck do you mean?'

I asked
my voice slightly raised
I'm usually a pretty pacive sort of guy
but I was tired
cold
and pissed off
and not in the mood to get mixed up in anything
hadn't she been listening to me earlier?

'I don't play that game no more
don't play many games like that
I'm trying to keep myself clean
straight
trying to make a life...'

I'm sure that's what I'd said to her...
but then again
she had laughed hadn't she?
I guess she still saw me as the me of old
or maybe she still saw me as that thirteen year old that she'd met all those years ago
she'd tried to fuck me in my room hadn't she?
maybe she still felt she could fuck me over too...
and maybe she could...

'We just have to go see someone else'

she said

'Why?'

I asked
not sure if I wanted to know
but I felt it might just be safer that way...

'Well...'

She said

'I got a regular not to far from here who will pay twenty for this rock'

She looked kinda guilty for messing me about
I don't know if that was the way she felt
or if she had just mastered the look

'But I thought you wanted a rock?
you been looking that way...'

'I do'

She answered

'But I had a ten already so I bought myself a rock
but I wanted a speedball so I need to get some H as well
and if I sell your rock for twenty bucks then I can buy some H and I got another rock from back there and...
well I'll have a speedball won't I?
don't worry
I still got some more grass yet
so you won't go without...'

'Stupid womens gonna kill herself...'

I thought to myself
but there was no point in arguing with the situation
I'd been there myself in the past so I know that sort of approach was futile
you can't talk an addict out of addiction
they have to want to leave
and she said this John of hers wasn't to far from here so I figured to tail behind for a little while longer

We walked the dark and dirty night streets
her idea of not to far was obviously based on the concept of being out of your head as not to far was actually a hell of a long way to my grass infected mind
The streets were busy though
even for two in the morning
or three
or whatever the time was
there was still plenty of girls looking for guys to pay for a good time
still plenty of dealers looking to sell rocks
or grass
though very few trying to sell heroine
but that's not unusual
I guess the down effect of heroine makes it a slightly less street corner drug than the ultra up of crack
my experience told me that more heroine dealers pushed from houses than the street
there was also the party crowd out and about making there way home
or to other parties
and the occasional cop who circled like a serengetti lion
looking to pick off any weak pray that strayed from the packs
Justice?
don't make me laugh
cowardice
they didn't want the hard arrests
they just want to bust the young punk who strays from the pack
he's easy
no risks of others joining in to defend him
no risks of him being smart enough
or having been around long enough to know how to beat the charge
or any other charge they might pin on the off chance that he hadn't actually done anything...
I was lucky
I'd passed that age
I didn't look so green to them
cops saw me as being work
so they let me pass relatively unhindered these days

Turned out the trick lived about twenty blocks away
not the few short blocks that Paula had promised
but what can you do?
By the time you're there it's to late to argue isn't it?
I waited on the roof of the building next door as she went to do her business
I didn't see a point of going in with her
it would only make him nervous
and she had assured me the guy was non violent so I wouldn't have served a purpose
so instead I stood on the roof of the adjacent building and watched the city night from up high for a while
I liked places like this
I know it's kinda bluesy and melancholy
but it's...
I just like to kick back and watch the people of the night
and to think
although my only thoughts that night were about how fucked up people were
and how so many others are totally unaware of it
which kind of made them fucked up as well
(by my reckoning anyway)
I mean this trick was a good example
so fucked up that he didn't mind some whore knocking on his door at two or three in the morning to sell him some drugs that he'd never asked for
and fucked up enough to actually buy them
or maybe it was fucked up enough to actually need to buy them
who knows
and then there was me
fucked up enough to be walking around with Paula when all the normal
regular people were at home asleep in bed waiting for another days droning
and then there was those normal
regular drones
who didn't realise that this world existed
didn't realise that some guy stood on their roof at night watching the city
with a silent blues song in his heart
they were fucked up to
everyone is fucked up
the whole world is fucked up
but can you ever put it right?
I dunno
it's gonna be hard
very hard
when no one seems to be able to see the whole picture
only little glimpses of it
how can you decide what is right when you can't even see all the picture?

'You a cop?'

A voice invaded my thoughts

'You are aren't you?'

and again
I swung round to see a girl standing on the roof behind me
sitting on the half wall around the edge

'No
you're all right babe'

I answered
that was the down side to maturing
the cops left you alone but the kids became nervous

'wanna buy a rock Mr. Undercover?'

She asked
I laughed
poor pathetic thing
here she was
half sure I was a cop
but still desperate enough to try and sell a rock to me
she hadn't been around that long either
you could tell cuz she still had her looks
she was only maybe about sixteen or seventeen
and actually very pretty
the drugs
the pimps
the pushers
the streets
and the night would soon erode all that
but for now she had survived

'Nah
I'm just waiting for someone'

I answered

'You are a cop aren't you?'

She asked again
I smiled at her

'Chill babe
I'm no cop
just waiting on a friend
she's in the house next door...'

She dropped her interest in me and started searching the floor around her feet

'You lost something?'

I asked

'A rock Mr cop
I lost a rock...'

So I went over and joined her search
we weren't searching long when Paula joined us on the roof
it turned out she knew this girl
so she joined the search for a minute while I took a piss
as soon as I'd finished though Paula lost interest in the search
sure it was ten bucks but she had her twenty
and possibly more
she'd been gone a long time so I figured she may well have turned a trick as well as having made a sale
(or maybe there had never been a sale to make
maybe she had always intended on keeping the original rock and making the additional twenty from the john...)

'Come on'

She said
like it was me dragging out the night

'One more stop and then it's back to your place'

It couldn't come to soon for my liking
so I hurried off the roof as fast as my legs would carry me

'See you around Mr. Undercover'

the other girl called out
as we disappeared
I didn't answer...

Thankfully
as far as I was concerned
the connection she used for scoring her junk was back in the direction of my place so we were walking home right from the moment we left the roof
having already walked about twenty five blocks away from mine that night I was glad of this as I didn't really intend walking any further...

He turned out to live in an old apartment only about four blocks from my house
so I told her to hurry up and that I'd walk slowly and she could catch me up on the way back to mine or at the doors of the hostel
I dunno if she did hurry but I was waiting outside the hostel for a good fifteen minutes before she caught up with me
another five minutes and I might have gone in without her
although I had told myself that five minutes before that so...
I may well not have kept that promise either

We got back in my room with no problems
there was never anyone on the desk at this time of night so you could come and go as you pleased
the other residents wouldn't say anything
it didn't work that way
they all had their own secrets too

We sat back down on the bed and she explained to me that she had scored an extra amount of smack so she'd just have a hit of junk now and save the speedball for the morning
I figured that that confirmed she'd turned that trick with the john
but it was none of my business
I just sat there and watched as she took off her shoe
the veins in her arms were shot so she was injecting in her feet these days
I decided that I didn't particularly want to watch so I took her supply of grass and began to roll myself another joint
OK...
I had my own supply but I figured I'd earned some of hers by trawling around behind all night like I had done...

I finished rolling
lit the joint
and sat back to smoke it
and looked across to see that she was pretty stoned already
that stuff rushes fast...

'Tell us a story'

She asked
I laughed out loud
it had been a long time

I used to write stories years ago

Captain Zero was the most popular
Captain Zero...

A blast from the past
The adventures of Captain Zero and his space mission
the craziest junkie that ever flew the universe...

I used to enjoy writing about him
a true anti-hero
but all the time
he was just survival
nothing more
nothing less
a page of survival here
a page of survival there
survival

I used to pass the story out on the streets
to order
which meant I had little say in the matter
but Torrance is neighbored by some bad districts so if they want the adventures of Captain
Zero then that's what they'll get
am I gonna argue?
Besides I could do with the protection and the cheap supply of drugs...

I remember one of the last instalments I wrote
I'd had the flu and I was running late on it when a visitor was sent to my room

'is it ready?'

he asked

it was
so I picked it up and accompanied him to pass it to the boss
now the boss was a big guy
very intimidating just in appearance
and the reality of the man was much meaner
and much more scary than the image
so I never enjoyed these visits but he preferred for me to make them
so I found myself in this garage handing him his pieces of paper
when in come two other guys with this girl
she couldn't have been much older than about 14
she looked a mess
but she also looked very fragile and vulnerable
and I felt sympathy for her
even though I didn't know why
she might have been happy with her life for all I knew
but I just figured a girl of that age shouldn't even know characters like this
let alone be mixed up with them
I drifted back into a darkened corner
I would have like to have left but it's best not to leave until it's been indicated that you
are free to do so

so I just hovered in the shadows
The boss walked over to the girl
smiled at her
and asked her were the money was
from what I could make out she was working the streets for him and he believed she had taken
some of 'his' money and spent it on her habit
(I'm not sure quiet how it works out to be his money when it came from HER laying on her back,
but then ain't that always the way?)
Anyway she denied the charges
and he smiled again
walked across the garage
picked up half a pool stick
walked back across to her and broke it across her face
she fell to the ground bleeding and unconscious
I shuddered and let out a whimper
I hadn't been ready for that
they looked at me and laughed at my wimpish behaviour...
The boss indicated to the girl and a couple of his 'friends' walked over and half stripped her
searching for money
I think they found a bit
but it didn't look more than about $20 to me in $5's and $1's
they then dragged her out the garage door and propped by the wall and came back in again
I hung around for a short while longer
and then as soon as the signal was given that I was free to leave I sped right out of the place
as I came out the garage the girl was still sitting there bleeding and crying
she'd regained consciousness but still appeared very dazed
well...
I always was a sucker for a girl
so I told her she could come back to my room
clean up
and if need be sleep the night
she accepted my offer and came with me
we sat late into the night that night
talking about this
talking about that
she offered me sex but I told her I preferred my relationships to be based on love
not on a feeling of debt
so I declined
but the offer made me feel good
and I went to sleep with a smile that night
woke up with a frown though
she'd woken before me and robbed my room before leaving...

Being robbed by hookers seems to be a recurring theme from my younger days
I guess everyone picks on someone lower down the food chain
and being a very young kid living on the streets made me an obvious target
and I was very green in those days...

I leant back on the bed
took another pull on the joint
and began a story...

'Lost at a crossroads
tired
and searching for an answer
waiting
waiting
He lit a another cigarette
wisps of gray thoughts floated before him
lost in semi-vision
as his mind switched from the near of here
to the distant of a memory
or a half thought
or...
his mind wasn't sure
maybe it was just a feeling
an emotional taste of melancholy
and he sat
waiting
waiting
another car rolled by
rushing off to nowhere
from nowhere
but probably full of something
a moment
and adventure
a bubble of joy
or despair

'dis pair
or dat pair'

fuck it
his mind had wandered again
away from a vision
a dream
a...
and the car had gone now...

He stretched back against the side of the building
maybe out of boredom
maybe out of tiredness
maybe it was a subliminal way of saying to those inside the diner

'hey look at me
I'm someone
I'm going somewhere
to do something
ain't you jealous?'

but whatever the reason
the stretch was over in a second
and his mind was back on his wisps of gray thoughts that he breathed after each draw on his cigarette

He tried to remember something worthy
but the sun had taken his energy
it was a hot day
not a thoughtful one
he was happy to just sit in the golden rays
warm and comfortable
but he needed a purpose didn't he?

The door of the diner swung open
and another line of thought was lost as an overweight farmer stumbled past and into his truck
the engine started and the vehicle pulled out of the lot
slowly so the driver could examine the nomad sitting at the stop

He was used to being stared at
he was always the stranger
his face never fitted
but it didn't really bother him
or if it did
he'd long past noticing
he just yawned and stretched again
lowered his head
and closed his eyes for a second
was he tired?
Probably
but the eyes were often closed
as an aide to his search around his mind for a new train of thought

He was lost at the crossroads
tired
and searching for an answer
waiting
waiting

Summers come
summers go
but the pattern remains constant
rolling along highways
searching
searching
never sure what for
just knowing that it's out there
and that one day
and maybe only for a day
he'd find the answer...

The bus rolled in and he boarded
walked to a seat near the rear
and sat and stared out the window
he thought for a while
as the bus readied to leave

'What was this place called?'

He didn't know
he didn't know where he was going
where he was
and he could he barely recall where he'd started from
but he was moving
he had to get there
didn't he?

She smiled at him
his arrival was a welcome distraction
she'd been thinking before he got on the bus
She often found herself
on empty mornings
remembering
it could strike at any time
she could be doing laundry
or just sitting listening to the radio
and the memories would slip in unannounced
and leave her with a tear
in the corner of her eye

It had been a million years now
everyone had said
'it'll get easier with time'
but no one had said that she'd still find a tear
on a random Wednesday morning
a million years later
and she missed him
fifteen years they'd been one unit
one entity
a moving
breathing
act of love
and then he'd gone
god only knows why he'd been taken
but...

and the tear rolled down her cheek
but it was a silent tear
a hidden tear
a tear she could never share
she had to remain strong
for those left behind
even though she felt the pain
harder and deeper than any other
and so she'd dry her eye
and get back to the laundry
or write a letter
or think about work
anything to mask the pain
not from herself
but from the others
from the world...

He'd seen the tear
and felt the pain
even though he didn't know the problem
so when he saw her smile
he smiled back
to comfort her
he might be lost
he might be a drifter
but he had a heart

'Where you headed?'

She asked

He smiled again
he was amused by the fact that he'd forgotten
he'd drifted so far that one journey had become much like the previous
or the next
So he reached inside his pocket and pulled out his ticket

'Artesia'

He said
and put the ticket back in his pocket

'Long ride'

She said
and turned back to stare out the window
she wanted to talk to the guy
he seemed nice
and she wanted company
but there was something about him...
He...
He sort of reminded her of 'him'
at about the age he was when she'd first met him
and so it had suddenly become uncomfortable for a second
like talking to a ghost
like talking to the past

'You silly old woman'

She thought to herself and turned back to her travelling companion

'You going there for any reason?
work?
vacation?'

He looked at her
and thought for a while
Why was he going there?

'Not sure'

He replied

'I was just...
at the last stop...
I needed to go somewhere and...
not sure...'

She smiled
He smiled
they drifted back into silence

She reminded him of someone he'd never known
a comforting person
he'd never known his mother
but if he had
he'd have liked her to be like this
he liked this women
she was warm
caring
loving
but he could feel her pain
and wanted to help...

The rain was welcomed when it came
the world had been dry and dusty for to long
gold's are only beautiful up to a point
the world needs greens and blues to breathe
the air was fresh again
dust free
and the heat slipped effortlessly from sight
to be replaced with a cool
a magic cool
that filled the whole body with life

'I used to live in Artesia'

She said
starting up the conversation again

'Grew up not far from there
we were a large family
but close...'

His eyes lit up at these words
Family was like a magic word to him
it was a word from his dreams
from his hopes
from the history he had never had

'What was it like?'

He asked

'Artesia?'

'No, growing up with a big family'

It was her turn to smile again
she didn't mind talking about the old days
growing up with her family
the times from before the heartache
she smiled again
took a breath
and started to tell him her tales

'We weren't rich
not in a money sense
but we were rich in many other ways
the house was always full with love
and smiles
and happiness
sure...
I know how that sounds
it always seemed sunnier when you were young
and...
yes
I guess with so many of us under one roof we had our fair shares of arguments and fights
but we never went to sleep on a fight
so we always woke with a smile
and we were never lonely
never wanted for someone to share a long summers day with
they were good days...'

For forty miles she shared her memories
she didn't need the audience
she was happy just to remember
but it was nice to share it out loud with someone else
especially when she could see from the smile on his face and the look in his eyes that he was drawing almost as much pleasure from the tales as she was

'You never had a big family did you?'

She asked
she'd figured it out by his reaction
here was someone being introduced to a strange new world through her stories
if he'd had a big family he would have recognised at least some of the things she said
but this was a whole new world to him

'Not really'

He answered

'Not at all
I never had any family of any kind
Mom couldn't cope with me I guess
so she sent me off to...
I dunno
she just gave me up when I was a baby and I kinda never had a settled home after that
I guess my families came in kids homes
and places like that'

He'd nearly said

'...and in jail'

but he'd stopped himself at the last minute
he didn't want to admit to that part of his past
not to her
he liked her and he was scared she might be repulsed to know he wasn't snow white
he wanted to be good for her
to please her
to make her proud
more and more he was feeling something new when he was around her
more and more he felt like he was finding something that he'd always been missing

He smiled at her

'but it's OK
I was a survivor
I'm OK...'

She looked at him
he so reminded her of...
'him'...

They rolled into the next stop and he excused himself
got off the bus and went for a smoke...

Just like the stop he'd got on at this wasn't much of a place
a diner
a gas station
and...
there was a couple of other buildings
but there was no obvious purpose to their existence
usually he might have stood there while he smoked making up some story to account for there existence but on this occasion his mind was preoccupied with his travelling partner
he could feel her watching him out of the bus window
but he didn't want to look up
this was a crazy time for him
he wasn't comfortable with being comfortable
and so he didn't really know how to handle the situation
he was used to being cool
offhand
distant
this women seemed to be breaking down his barriers
that was a strange sensation...

He slouched against the side of the gas station building
he was dragging out the cigarette
he liked to be the last person back on the bus
gave him more freedom
more air time
more thinking space
he always felt kinda claustrophobic on buses
all those people
close quarters
it was hard
and he hated the non smoking rules
smoking was essential
smoking was part of life
his one luxury
but everything has to come to an end
and this stop was coming to and end fast
the last passenger was back on board and the driver was looking over at him
he knew the driver wouldn't dare say anything to him
he was a big guy and looked kinda mean in his trash attire
he wasn't a bad person
but sometimes he let people believe in the image
it kept them at bay
but he knew he couldn't
and shouldn't hold everyone for ever so he flipped his cigarette off somewhere to the side and reboarded the bus...

'I used to smoke'

she said

'Why d'ya quit?'

He asked

She hadn't thought he might ask this when she'd made the statement
but now he asked she had to answer
even though she didn't want to answer

'I quit cuz of him'

She said

'My husband
the smoking got to him and killed him...'

He didn't know what to say to this
death made him uncomfortable
so he just kinda looked at her
gave a slight shrug and said

'Sorry...'

'It was a long time ago now'

She said

'You kinda remind me of him a little
he was a good guy...
We met when my family moved up north to Montana
he was a local up those ways
and worked in the lumber trade
I met him outside a store one day
he walked past about four times before he mustered the courage to say hi to me
he was a strong man
handsome
and wise
but he had this shyness to him as well
we talked a while
about this and that
nothing really
while he shuffled around and worked up enough guts to ask me to a dance the following weekend
he needn't have worried
I would have said yes to any invitation from that man
right up from the first moment I laid eyes on him'

'Love at first sight then?'

He asked

She laughed

'Love at first sight
and love right up to the last sight
I was by his bed when he passed away
I still miss him
I always will
but I carry a million memories in my heart
I was lucky to have known him
and that joy at having shared my life with him will stay with me forever'

'Sounds like you had something beautiful'

'O we did
we did
We were a happy couple
We lived together in the same home all our married life
a home he built for us with hard work
love
and sweat
He felled every tree
it was all about us...
And you know
for the length of our marriage
fifteen long and happy years
he would go out and collect bits of wood and carve these little animals for me
he'd never tell me about them
I'd just come out in a morning and every now and then find a new companion sitting there waiting for Me
It was beautiful
that's the sort of attention to detail that makes a
marriage last...'

She fell silent
all the memories were flooding back
and she could feel the tears welling in her stomach and streaming up towards her eyes
she couldn't let him see
so she turned once more to gaze out of the window
He said nothing
just lay his hand gently on her
it was the only comfort he could think to offer
he didn't have words
nor wisdom of these things
but it was enough
the comfort of his hand put an edge on her feelings
tempered her sorrow with a smile...

They travelled on silence
she was lost in her memories
he was lost in memories he'd never had
they stayed like that for the next twenty or thirty miles
until they were approaching the next stop

'Are you going right through?'

She asked as they entered the town

He looked at her with a puzzled expression
he wasn't really sure what she meant

'Sorry?'

'Are you riding through the night
or getting off to stay at a motel?'

'O
sorry
you lost me there for a minute
I ride through the night
bus seats make cheaper beds than motels
I can't really afford it...'

She looked at him and smiled

'My room has two beds
you're welcome to take one if you want'

He wasn't sure what to make of this
it was a generous offer
but that's what threw him
he wasn't used to kindness

'I don't know...
are you sure?'

She smiled again

'Of course I'm sure
I'm paying for two beds
it'd be a shame to waste one
and besides
you look tired
you look like you could use a bed for the night'

She was right
he was tired
and he sure could use a bed for the night
it'd been a long time since he'd slept in a bed
more often than not he found himself sleeping on buses
or in shelters
or in a doorway somewhere in a strange town
it had been nearly two weeks since he'd last laid his head down on a real bed
and then it had been in a rough room that was almost felt like outdoors with it's not fitting windows and doors
how could he refuse her offer
he didn't want to impose
but he wanted the bed
and he was enjoying her company
this women was...
she felt to him like something he'd been missing all his life

'Thanks
that would be great...
If you're sure you don't mind?'

The bus rolled into it's stop
this was the first semi-big town they'd hit since he'd got on board way back when
it was getting dark
but the lights from the buildings showed him this town was big enough for brick buildings and solid looking structures
he could see signs of life
motels
car lots
bars
stores
diners
this was a real place
He might even be able to make a few bucks before he boarded the next bus to Artesia

She was looking out the window too
but she saw it differently
she didn't see opportunities
or money
or...
she only saw the past
she saw the past in everything
she saw the past in her friend
he was so like...
She smiled at him

'This is it'

He smiled back and they got off the bus
she led him down the road about a block and into the super-8 motel

'You have a room for Mrs. Hankey I believe'

She said to the young girl behind the desk
the girl looked up
then thumbed through a big book on the table before looking up again and answering

'Mrs. Hankey?
Yes
we have a room for Mrs. Hankey
but it doesn't mention anything about a guest'

She looked at the guy

'It's OK'

Said the woman

'Probably some mix up
it doesn't matter
but we're here now so if we could just have the room?'

The girl stopped looking at the guy and turned her attention back to the woman

'Yes
it was probably the new girl took the booking
she's always messing up
if I could just take your card and details I'll get your key for you'

He wasn't i