(no subject)
And what since then?
There was London...
dark city nights...
I never felt as lonely as the night
in all it's dark solitude
with all it's weight
of dreams
and hopes
and fears
and though my mind is crowded
it's empty
by the measures of the universe
the golden clouds of gases
of masses
that swell even the tiniest notion
to a magnitude of...
And I turned back to my window
window watching is a...
no different from whale watching
just...
I saw him walk across the room
the bright light against the dark sky made everything o so visible
He was a strange looking guy
if I didn't know his history I could make one up for him on the spot
I couldn't guarantee it'd be right
but he was a person screaming to be identified by his appearance
don't judge a book by it's cover?
wise advice
but hard to follow
it's like the whole equality thing...
Try it for yourself
find 10
100
1000 men who declare that they fully support that men and women are equal
that they recognise that women are as strong as man
as intelligent as man
and then send a girl in to that room
a pretty girl
send her in crying
and they instantly view her as weak
and vulnerable
and they want to be strong and protective towards her...
People hey?
strong on words
weak on actions
and...
well
who am I to judge
I'm probably just the same...
I lit another cigarette and adjusted my stance
standing up is harder than it seems
I know...
that sounds dumb
what I meant was standing up
in the same spot
hour after hour
unable to move about
that's quite difficult
it wears on the calf's
it's boring
it's uncomfortable
so every now and then you change the balance of your weight
adjust your stance...
He wasn't doing much
he had been to the fridge
helped himself to a soda
and sat down again
I guess I coulda took a picture there and then
it would have been probably good enough
but you want the best you can get
that's what I was being paid for
real results
so I waited
smoked some more
and had a soda of my own
All the smoking of late was ripping at my throat
sometimes I over do the smoking thing
and it fucks my throat up
but when you're in a no sound
no light
boring situation like this then what else are you to do
I could get wasted but then I might screw up so it was sodas and cigarettes
no food
that coulda been dumb
suppose I needed the bathroom?
Taking a piss is easy
you can watch and piss
but not watch and dump...
The door opened in the room across the way
I saw her walk in
I smiled to myself
as it would soon be over now
but I was also worried
I knew this was the tricky part for her
and no matter how much I might preach about the equality of women
here was a vulnerable girl
(yeah, even hookers are vulnerable)
and I was like that guy in the room with the crying girl
I wanted to be tough and protective
I wanted that picture
I wanted it over for her
I didn't want that dirty bastard cop hitting on her no more
and this photo was gonna protect her forever...
And since then...
She was the blizzard that lies between the sacred eternal sleep
and the deafening silence of the heartless city
streets
Even the brightest
most colorful
neon reflection on the perma-rain soaked streets faded next to the hypnotic fire of her eyes
She was walking temptation at the gates to a thousand years of blissful torment
troubled sleeps of imperfection
in the face of ultimate obsession
She was a glimpse in the corner of my eye
that grew to become everything
No one could feed her today's
How could I ever hope to satisfy her thirst for tomorrow?
I touched the razor blade within my mind
and watched my soul turn to blood stained red
Hard and fast images of nightly news bulletins
and adult movies
with sub stratospheric stars
that twinkled only in their secret personal despairs
foot on the gas
no hands on the wheel
eyes closed
as the cliff edge hurtled towards them
at warp speed infinity
Permanent decline
of a never ending empire
Sometimes
between the jolts of streetcars switching lines
a spark of hope would fly off into the ether
but it would always fade before the blinking eye could catch it in it's self-righteous delusions of insanity
Who was I to argue with the fates of the night?
I crossed some of the T's
and dotted some of the I's
but...
even before I knew her name
she had faded into the darkness...
The clock slipped to 2 am
and I lay there
sleepless on a rotational bed ride of alcohol fueled visions
memories
regrets
dreams of how to change the future
and plots of staggered expeditions to a distant bathroom
to release the burden of an over laden bladder
or to vomit
or just to enjoy the mildly more comforting rest place of a cold tiled bathroom floor
I struggled to recall anything beyond her
and failed miserably
It was her face that was spinning on the ceiling above me
I dreamt I used to know her
or I would know her in the future
I dreamt I was rich
or poor
I dreamt I was happy
or sad
but every dream was saturated with the hypnotic fire of her eyes
and that tempting smile
that called to me with silent sirens song
How can love be so blind as to fall down a flight of steps
and to pretend that no one knew the real reason for the scars upon the heart?
We can cry rivers of salted tears
but you can only drown in deserts
Brake light red
Danger!
Danger!
Spiraling disorder
devoid of all feeling
or not
or drowned in so much pain
every micro-ounce of the universe
that reality is shouted down
and nothing becomes everything
and everything becomes nothing
All the noises of the street become your life
and your life becomes nothing but the noises of the streets
Hookers cries
addicts choking in the alley
smoked out on rock fantasies
that turned to nightmares
before maturity kicked in
Slammed doors
of bully boy beaters
leaving blackened wives
to drown their pain in tears
and to cook that dinner again
this time trying to get it 'just' right
so as to avoid another night at Ceasers Palace
Tyson's comeback
part 90503
Frost touching the souls of drunken nomads
who desperately try to remember where they came from
and when they do
drink again to forget
Lost souls in shop doorways
queuing for the undertakers
And you are all of them
and they are all of you
but still...
but still she floats before your eyes
spinning on the ceiling
like some ancient triskelion
I closed my eyes again
but it was too late
dawn was on it's way
and the bright shafts of the dull morning pierced beneath my eyelids
like pins into my eyes
forcing my dried senses to remain conscious of all about me
forcing my shaved mind to hear the hammer drill scratching noises of the world
my eyes to see the blinding visions
and my stomach to wish my brain had never won the right to decide how much to drink
C'est la vie...
It began to rain
from my horizontal position on the bed
I could crane my neck to just make out the window
and watch the globules of rain collecting on it's flat dirty surface
looking like glycerin blisters
bubbles of moisture slowly running down the pane
tick tocking
tick tocking
eating at my savaged over hung mind
tick tock
tick tock
tick tock
I closed my eyes again
searching the corners of my mind for...
something
I folded back a corner of my memory
to read it's contents
I would have cried
but I was to dehydrated for tears...
Sunday night was Chinese night...
I met this girl
a couple of days ago
and she invited me out for a meal
and so...
Sunday night was Chinese night
I was sitting there
enjoying my crispy seaweed
and noodles with a black bean sauce
when I just faded into a daydream
lost concentration
missed my mouth
and stabbed myself
just above my lip
with a chopstick
most weird...
(and embarrassing)
It drew blood
which was surprising
I mean...
chopsticks aren't that sharp or anything
It didn't seem to bother her though
as we had a good night
and we laughed a lot...
I like some Sundays...
In so much as...
and...
I am...
and...
Ummmm...
with regards to...
Ummmm...
because...
because...
because?
I am?
CONCENTRATE!!
Mind fades
wanders
gray swirls
of soft focus
dull vision
lost thought
on the wave of a daydream
Who am I
sitting here?
How am I...
where did...
did?
CONCENTRATE!!
Older
younger
memories that cloud the now
crowd the mind
forcing hands
no royal flush
full house?
No fuckers paying rent
for a jug of old faithful!
Dulcet tones of angels
singing songs of...
of...
of?
concentrate?
Yesterday has gone now
what's the point of swimming?
350 g Sausage meat
2 x 15 ml spoons oil (olive)
350 g Onions (peeled and sliced)
1 clove Garlic (crushed)
4 sticks celery (scrubbed and sliced)
1 Red pepper (deseeded and sliced)
3 x 15 ml spoons Tomato puree
300 ml cider
100 g Mushrooms (cleaned and sliced)
2 x 5 ml spoons Sugar
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
225 g Noodles
100 g Cheese (grated)
Cooking time: about 30 minutes
Divide the sausage meat into small pieces
and roll into 24 small balls on a lightly floured surface
Heat the oil in a large pan and add the meat balls
Onions
and Garlic
and fry until brown
Add the Celery
Pepper
Tomato puree
Cider
and Mushrooms
and bring to the boil
and add the sugar and seasoning
Simmer for about 20 minutes
Cook the Noodles as directed on the packet
drain well
and stir into the sauce
with the cheese
Taste and adjust seasoning...
Owner of an unused heart
cosmic survivor
blanc de blanc
can't you see
Christmas is over?
Paper debris
crumpled dreams
of how we sweated
corporate dreams
to do the right thing
when there is no right thing
only till rings
checkout girls
ain't even smiling
cold comfort
of a warm meal
playing happy families
even if you don't got one
Drink
Drink
Drink
Race to be
a plastic container
of recycled visions
Hollywood's vision
of Cola's Santa
Red of St. Nick
and all the green has tumbled
lost in forests
with the dreams that were carried
in bulging sacks
bring it back?
You're not listening
it's you that stopped being Peter Pan
I'm just sitting on old Hooks deck
I'm not a player in the drama
I'm just reading notes from the Captains log
I was never in this dream to start with...
Yesterday morning
day of rest
I lay there
and...
that's about it
that's all Yesterday mornings should ever be full of
either laying there in total nonexistence
or the semi-romantic journey home after a magical night out
nothing else really fits in Yesterday mornings
I toyed with the idea of thinking
but I dismissed it
why bother?
I have 24 hours a day
7 days a week for thinking
why let it flood into the tranquillity of Yesterday?
Take a walk in the park
take a valium pill
read the letter you got
from the memory girl
but it takes more than this
to make sense of the day
yeah it takes more than milk
to get rid of the taste
and you trusted to this
and you trusted to that
and when you saw it all come
it was waving the flag
of the united states of calamity
hey!
after all that you've done boy
I'm sure you're going to pay
And some how the ocean drifted into the room
washing over me
floating me above my bed
and I closed my eyes
and lay there
on internal clouds
rainbow king
flooded out
with the whispers of a hundred dreamers
singing softly
unto me
unto me
singing follow
singing hold my hand
singing love me
and I held
and I loved
and I floated
higher
higher
higher
into smoky clouds
of inner visions
wispy morning paradise...
A butterfly drifted into my head
the breeze from it's fluttering wings cooled my mind
with a rainbow kaleidoscope of picture perfect angels
floating on gossamer wings
held fast inside of crystal tears
that refracted light
into streams of energy
each color representing an emotion
or an aspiration
hope
love
joy
peace
and so on
and I was flying with them all
singing with them all
loving with them all...
I opened my eyes
and lay back on my bed and lit a cigarette
and I contemplated getting up before midday
but then decided against the idea
and closed my eyes
and went back to surfing
with hindsight I should have put the cigarette out first
as I was woken minutes later by the searing pain of burning ash on my fingers
but it was Yesterday morning
and nothing can distract from heaven on a yesterday morning
nothing...
I fastened my seat belt
and fired the ignition button
the booster rockets kicked in
and I was slung out into the stratosphere
hurtling towards heaven at a million miles an hour
Were no lessons learnt from the tower of Babel?
I flew higher and higher
swallowing star after star
supernova breakfasts
cosmic seaweed
blanketing me
in spiraling fantasy
catching nothing but the cold wind
of the void
empty sang my middle name
a space tourist
on the other side of town
darkness is the light
to those that close their eyes
while singing tear drop tunes
of neon yesterdays
Somehow I managed to miss the moon
but still had cheese
with my crackers
blinded by the shuttle
in my eye
and they thought I was dreaming?
And all the songs they sang
were up there
and all the dreams they dreamt
could be touched
with the tips of fingers
stretched out
from cloned gravity free fingers
and the senses danced
in old fashioned dance time
And the opportunity to wake
was spurned
by all who swam
in galaxies
of crystal fantasy
and seas
and oceans filled the heavens
mountains soared
beneath the wings of birds
that no longer feared the wrath of man
And somehow
I found myself dancing
and for some reason
I sang your name
and for some time
I let myself continue dreaming...
And now my birthday is closing in...
another year
and...
The burden of silence
a tear to shatter the sound of the void
a moment to awaken the spirit
that lies dormant inside of yesterday
can you hear me mother?
I am still singing
And the shoulder wheels
and falls limp
the mind follows
and the heart beat slows
a niggling pain lives in the side
as the crackling of the lungs
strains beneath the knowing of the future
It isn't that I couldn't change it all
it's the knowing that I haven't got the motivation
it's knowing that tomorrow just carries the seed of yesterday
it's the knowing that the tear washes away nothing
it just collects at the corner of the lapel
a salted reminder of another promise that faded
with a dream
I cling onto the strap of my guitar
knowing that I'll never make it sing again...
Somewhere in the distance there is a tomorrow
but I wonder if I will ever see it...
I wondered if I want to see it...
I know I'll continue to walk along this path
because...
who ever knows?
But I hold no hope
my pockets are empty
but for memories and smiles
to hand out to passing strangers
I know angels exist
I know the taste of a good kiss
and the saturation of good love
but what compensates for the empty?
What compensates for not existing?
Who am I
but a slave to a system that doesn't even recognize me
Who am I
but the missing number from a world driven by statistics
What am I
but the number
that was never carried
from the one column to the next
6 and 6
can never add to 13
If you ever know me
you know where I am
If you ever want me
just dream a thousand dreams
that's where I am...
And here I am
on the cusp of a new year
on the peak of a wave
that will wash away another empty
and replace it with flavors
that would probably taste the same
but for the one thousandth time
I find myself observing all the same rituals again
staring at clocks
and waiting
like one tick
from a digital hand could make a difference
and I remember...
and I remember...
Never was so lonely as the night
with all it's dreams of yesterday
encapsulated within a moments hesitation
and then tomorrow dawns
a new year
to find the screaming body
dragged from the final breath of the previous chapter
and into darkness.
clouds fill the sky
dark and gray
with flurries of snow
and worries of man
that fall and lie
deep upon the fields of thought
until the vista is such
that even memory can not recognise it's twisted features
a thing of beauty?
a white demon?
who knows what others see
behind the windows of their souls
who hears their silent screams
and runs protective to cradle them within awaking dreams
of how it should have been
it could have been
if only the dice had fallen even
how can life be decided by the flick of a wrist?
And what of chapters new?
of fields yet untrodden
and future speak
of what you seek
alone but not so sure
filled with doubts
of how much longer can the fear of past remain
before it bites upon the very substance of the soul inside
and leaves the dreamer
spineless
and crippled
with no place left to wander
and no mind left to wonder
just dribbled gibberish
of take him off to treatment?
And each heartbeat is different now
each blink of the eye sees a different dream
and no seasons exist
no maps remain
the world is different
a new horizon Hoovers
virgin world
of o so scary
and who will write the chapters
if the spirit breaks?
And within each moment is a lifetime
a million plans
a billion schemes
and each is shattered like the waking dream
on frosty mornings
where the cold drags you screaming
before your memory grasps the purpose of it's nocturnal
quest.
Are tears so personal that others can not share the salt of wounds
without the being of the purpose
and if they can then how is there injustice while we speak of
compassion
or is the only passion
the heavy breathing fucking of an animal
disguised as man
and lonely as the night
vacant and apart
except in electric moments
of need.
What is a tear anyway?
And what purpose is in pain
that we can't feel the thoughts of others in our micro biotic
ever healthy
take a pill of wealth and beauty
cut price in a sale
cuz everything
is yours
if the price is right
consumer
vacuumer
of suck the whole world dry
and shaft it if it's sleeping
just because your father said you had to
just cuz grandma wants the best for you
Footstep or thought?
the commencement of action
no distraction
a new chapter
and where is it?
who knows
the floating impulse of
roll the dice
pray for nice
but take a frozen road
if the gods wish
and pray that this time
like other times
you live to rue the day
you ever went away
instead of dying like all the others did
cuz the fuckers said defeat was not acceptable
and walk on
walk on
and journey to the place of sin
so once again you might begin
in twisted tombs of
what the fuck is happening?
what destination on the ticket?
whatever place seems right
when stolen credit cards are traded
for another place
another face
and who will I be next
the boy died first
and then the artist
then the con
and then...
always dying
never living
chapter after chapter
and now the poets dead
not one more word will fall
like autumn leaves
and as the spring turns
the rotting decay
of a forgotten dream
will fade from memory
to be replaced
by yesterday
before the ghost came...
What difference does a year make?
The song remains the same...
Today I was taking a walk
I walked down this old lane
It was a quaint country lane
The type you see in old Agatha Christie movies
you didn't have to stretch your imagination to far
to picture Miss Marple
cycling down the lane
on her way to share a cup of tea
with the local gentry
or the village policeman
or...
who ever it is that Miss Marple shares cups of tea
and cucumber sandwiches with...
It was the sort of picture book beauty
that you don't really believe exists
in the real world
until you stumble upon it
and here I was
lucky to be strolling down it on a regular basis
on my way from my temporary lodgings
to the computer I used
on a near daily basis
It was a crisp
clear
summers day
the hazy sunshine streaming through the branches
to sprinkle speckled golden sunlight before my feet
The day was beautiful
and the lane was beautiful
I noticed that one of the houses had a board outside of it
a piece of commercial intrusion
in an otherwise rural Idyll
TO LET
contact: GOBBIT and KIRBY
gkl.co.uk
The house had caught my eye before
not just because it was a very nice house
which it undoubtedly was
but also because of it's name
'TENBY'
So why did the name 'Tenby' grab my attention?
Tenby is also the name of a place in Wales
in a part of the country that I visit on a regular basis
well...
I frequently visit the place
but there is nothing regular about my visits
although it is certainly a place I have fond memories of...
Yeah...
I knew Tenby and the area it lived in
Anyway....
I decided to take a second look at the board
just to check the web address
so I glanced back
It's not that I could ever afford such a beautiful house
but I figured I could look it up on the Internet
maybe learn how it got it's name
and as I glanced back
I heard a knocking sound
I looked to see where it was coming from
and spotted a woman
young
maybe early twenties
at one of the upstairs windows
She knocked again
and waved
I smiled
and waved back...
It's not like this is going anywhere
I didn't turn around
go back and speak to her
I may never see her again
but that brief moment
for reasons I can't explain
gladdened my heart
even though it meant nothing
but...
How often has nothing lead to the start of something in my life?
Maybe today will lead nowhere
but...
I have a feeling
sooner or later
something will happen
it always does
I have a feeling my story is far from over...
C'est la vie...
And that's it...
that is all I have to say
that is my life
or the parts of it that I have been willing to share with you
and do you care?
Maybe I should close this journal...
What do you think?
I searched and searched
I couldn't find the answer
it wasn't drowning in the bottom of a bottle
it wasn't to be punctured by a dirty needle
it was nowhere
not for me
I crawled
spewing blood and vomit
I crawled
on my hands and knees
couldn't you see me
bleeding?
You think this is not a nightmare?
Halloween of city streets
darkened hours
of paranoia
a thousand miles
of empty dreams
voidular nightmares
painted
indelible
on the inside of the mind
prisoner
takes the soul
the funk of spirit
scattered
splattered
red stain on the side walk
dreams of daylight
painted on the inside of my mind
catching rainbows
in illusions
I could never make it
not even as me
How am I to make it as another?
And all the time
my backdrop
is the dirty gray of the sidewalk
it's not there to walk on
it's to live on
to lie on
to work and sleep on
stone gray
not a day goes by
when I don't lie in a gutter
looking up at the stars
wishing
wishing
kissing night skies
with hope
and dreams
but I could never make it
not even as me
down is where I am
it's where I belong
in the worlds of grays
and blacks
and blues
of painted smiles
20 bucks a giggle
rock a plenty
try it for a ride
to those stars
fast car
of any place is better
than the bitter taste
of reality...
And if you catch me waking
if you catch the cold day shaking
spirit into my bones
if you hear my moans
if you see me spewing
any signs of life
if you catch me before I die
then just walk by
cuz I don't want sympathy
I overdose on good intentions
I overdose on bleeding hearts
with words like odourless farts
bursts of wind
that float past
as they slide on home
to their warm delusions
leaving us with cold confusions
and they don't have a clue
clever fuckers
more stupid than any night
pimped out on sell out clauses
no pauses
for a sharp intake of reality
a sharp breath
smells to much like death
smells to much
of all the things their running from
it's easier to wave a flag
and pretend that things ain't so bad
even if they live on the edge of hell...
I got drunk last night and fell asleep beneath the stars
It ain't that I had to
It's that I wanted to
It's a case of absolute freedom
It's feeling the cool of the night
a natural cool
so much better than the plastic warmth
of indoors
it's waking up shaking
knowing you're alive
maybe not forever
but for the moment
and that moment is forever
at that time
you have the whole planet to yourself
and every thought in it
maybe I won't be alive for tomorrow
maybe I wasn't alive yesterday
but for that night...
I crossed the T's
I dotted the I's
black staring eyes
paranoid eyes
never again will I
never again will you see
never again will it be
android voices in my head
screaming children
long since dead
lost horizons
who bombed Shangri-La?
I was
wasn't I?
we were
weren't we?
never again will I
never again will you see
never again will it be
fuck this
screaming voices
hard nights
bar fights
drink like you never dreamt
and if the floor comes to fast
then we can laugh
cuz never again will I
never again will you see
never again will it be
and every city is a thousand songs
and every city holds a million tears
behind it's idle flood gates
pain like you never felt
sounds you never heard
you ain't known evil
you ain't known the steams of hell
you ain't seen the dying breath
you ain't held the final words in your head
a thousand nights
a thousand nightmares
they don't fade
nothing fades
nothing drowns in a bottle
nothings punctured by a needle
nothings beyond here
there is no lower circle
there is no lonelier night
there is nothing
and never again will I
and never again will you see
and never again will it be
cuz fuck ain't a dirty word
fuck ain't nothing
cunt ain't nothing
and I'm sorry for those offended
but your journeys never ending
there's a thousand more circuits
on the downward spiral...
stars have gone
hidden behind the dark of night
this is not right
black
hollow skies
no wonder the street cries
no wonder there are screams
take a pocket full of sins
and smear them
head to toe
take a trip down a blind alley
at night
and tell me you can't see
tell me those upon their knees
are not praying
take the stars
from where you see them
and bring them back to our skies
widow married
sons a plenty
holding on to pocket rides
gliding
how you shouldn't
where you shouldn't
in unadulterated cabin rides
and if you're blind
you're still holding hands across your eyes
cuz there's no surprise
and nothing you can't see
when the sound of thunder
is in your ears
and you are on your knees
take the fucking glasses
take the blinkers
lose them
don't abuse them
don't hide behind the comfort of your world
taste the rest
it might not be best
but it's how we live
if you don't know
how can you change
how can we change
if you lie resplendent
on a chaise lounge
happy dreams?
I got
we got
we can't lose
nightmares
you are so closed inside the box
you are sprung so tight
you are a coiled watch spring
you are the devil in my gin
you are an angel if I sin
you are the street at night
you are my company
when the dreams begin to bite
you are my shield
you are my hope
you are the pressure valve on my mind
you are my god
when I need one
you are summer
you are spring
you are fall
I often fall
don't I?
offer it
on silver rides
offer it in slides from sanity
loud thrashing slides
a million miles an hour rides
and long days
of biting cold
or scalding heat
dust or ice
it's all the same
painted back drop
to everything
that never was
that never could be
a dream is something for the future
a life is something from the past
absailing through the mind
with hands
that caress the inner sanctuary of the brain
and if I am insane
at least I got there feeling
at least I got there knowing
and seeing
and loving
and living
at least I felt the pain
at least I felt the warmth of love
at least I knew a million things
that others only see in dreams
or dream they knew in life
at least my life was never shallow fantasy
or sinful false pretence
at least I'll lie inside my grave
and know
know I can look back and say
if I played it right
if I fucked it up
if I made a difference
if I never mattered
at least I was me
at least I was honest
at least I was a constant truth
that tried my best...
Rip my heart out
with your sinful looks
hook eyes
you got them closed
but you still see
and I see the pretence
but I let you feel
that you own control
that you own my soul
I will give you anything
or nothing
cuz it's all the same
on some empty stage
in here
in nowhere
cuz I was playing
I was only saying
cuz they were the words you asked for
and if I stood by the door
I was never really there
I was a million miles away
in different worlds
in different dreams
playing out a reality
that you will never see
a reality of perfection
of everything
that can ever be
and fuck me
you can dream until you are dead
but no one ever said
the answers would come
I know that some
will hide behind the veil
and if you can't see the veil
then you ain't never looked
beyond the sins of your pretence
and I know where that is
and I don't cry for it
I won't cry for it
I'll laugh at those that bite it
and try and fight it
cuz that's a comedy
true comedy
and I'm not even there
I'm not even here
I am a million places
looking into the shit
looking into what lies in the bowl
cuz the bowl of the bowel
is all that's left tomorrow
and I won't follow
I don't need to
I won't be a slave
I won't ever lose that self
inside of me
that's like a bad dream
I'll never be you
but I'm glad that's true
I'm glad I'm a million miles away
cuz here it's real
here it matters
here the sound of music is on a higher plane
you will never here the songs I hear
you will never see the colors that I see
you will never smell the smells that I see
while you're staring at a detail in a picture that isn't even there
and fuck cbs
and nbc
and cnn
with their fiction
and their fantasy
do you buy that?
do you fall for all those stories?
Man...
reach the world
touch it
smell it
hear it
TV is a play
a movie screen
there's no reality in that magic picture box
of transmitted bullshit
kiss the taste of reality
kiss the taste of where the people are
not in pretty picket land
not in happy contentment
not in minimum wage
or higher
not in burger king
or a coke bottle
there's no taste in there
just calories
just fantasies
and you think you've seen anything?
you think you know anything?
you think the world stops at your front door
and begins again in some borrowed book
or on some piss poor CD
that was written or recorded by some college whore
who fucked the guy at Sony?
influence
affluence
effluence
the money is in your pocket
who cares what you're buying
it's all shit
it's all the soil of the poor man
your dreams are just the paper on his walls
your hopes are just the furrows in his fields
and this time...
and next time...
and why do you bother waking
just to crawl into MTV
to find a fantasy
that ain't even aimed at you
that doesn't even know your name
cuz who knows your name?
just another ten of you
and who cares what the mirror thinks
and who cares if it's clean or stinks
is that really #1 thought in your mind
look behind
at the billions of others out there
don't you even care
don't you see
or feel
or know
or have a comprehension
of pain
of poverty
of starvation
of death
of slavery
of rape
of jail
of gangs of rats
that look at you and laugh
cuz even at the bottom
you're still lower
and you might want to ride a wheel of self satisfaction
but you' re not even a masturbation fantasy
to the real world
you're not even a blink of their eyes
you're not a good time
you're not a bad time
they'd rather vomit on the sidewalk
don't believe me?
watch them
tonight
on any night
the world moves on
and they don't even see you
in your fantasy
you're not the center of a universe
you're not even the first line of a song
you are just...
the subject of these words
and nothing else
and when I stop typing
you cease existing
goodbye...
I don't want to kill myself
but I see no other way
I sat in 1976 last night
so warm
with scent of summer
so safe
but so many years ago
I don't want to kill myself
but I see no other way
Paranoid
and hiding in your self woven fantasy
you think I can't see
the furrowed field
upon your brow
permanent reminder
of the deceit you spun
web of your own creation
drawing in
everything you touch
but who gives a fuck
it's all expendable isn't it?
expandable
until apocalypse?
Hands that glide
can hide
their true location
no vacation
just a fantasy
a recreation
of a moment
that was a million times better
crime scene?
nothing seen
was even worth a whisper
you really thing it's that good?
you think it's that special?
it's just another tear factory
on the never ending road
despair is not a moment
it's a way of life
blue is not a color
it's today
and yesterday was nothing
to the pain of tomorrow
and you can absail from your pulpit
with your sermons
but this is a glass house
and the stones let in the light of day
understand the way
it always has to be?
and if your ass is hurting
then don't blame my boot
my boots went walking
not kicking
the pain upon your ass
is self abuse
from comforts
you haven't earned
and that's the lesson to be learned
selfish is a many colored skin
it can begin at any place
blindness is no excuse
in the eyes of the lord...
Summer swam the rivers of my senses
holding me under water
in choking fits
of warm apathy
pinning me to nothing
in hope that nothing
could ever hurt
in nowhere
that is
and if I took a ride to...
understand
that standing still
is not a way of staying
it's a way of running
Plastic pacifist appeaser
don't you understand
that the pain
doesn't have to come from your hands
it comes from the whole
poisoned chalice
of your life
behind your closed eyes
is a million thorns
that rip the soul
of millions
you dream of peaceful fantasy
but that's all it is
a dream
as you wallow in your rose bath
and turn away
from the road kill
from the poverty
and reality
comfort is a sin
if it's a personal thing
while everyone else is burning
you never heard
that loose lips
sink ships?
you never heard
that poison
is spread
from the thoughts
in a head
from grudges held
from preconceptions
and views
that never change
as you wallow in your rose bath
and turn away
from the road kill
from the poverty
and reality
I never stood
where you did
I never tasted
what you did
I never knew
what you said
could hurt so much
but I shoulda known I had a heart
a heart to hurt
I shoulda known it was still inside of there
somewhere
gathering dust
to be exploited
by a burst
of vitriol
twenty thousand reasons
why the road is long
twenty thousand reasons why my stone
is still standing
held still by visions
and you think I'm still alive?
laugh that laugh you got
cuz the joke is
that I am
not here...
As I fell to death
as the blood wound it's way one final time
with phantom erections
and ghostly emissions
of anything left in the loop
I saw a vision of god
and I said to him
I said
what is the answer
and he said to me
you'll only find that in life
to late I guess
to ever know...
Quality of life?
of...
and take your hand away from my soul
it's not for sale
it's not the property of an angel
it's the property of the night
stamped with darkness
and beer stained
tear stained
cold comfort
or just cold
left exploded
underneath a street light
left with the vomit
it brought forth
instead of rhetoric
instead of...
I don't know
what did you ever want?
I gave heart and soul
I gave spirit and love
I gave everything
what did I miss?
nothing drowns in a bottle
nothings punctured by a needle
this is it
this is the alpha
and omega
this is me
stop looking for more
because there is none
just the guy
that sleeps beneath the stars...
There was London...
dark city nights...
I never felt as lonely as the night
in all it's dark solitude
with all it's weight
of dreams
and hopes
and fears
and though my mind is crowded
it's empty
by the measures of the universe
the golden clouds of gases
of masses
that swell even the tiniest notion
to a magnitude of...
And I turned back to my window
window watching is a...
no different from whale watching
just...
I saw him walk across the room
the bright light against the dark sky made everything o so visible
He was a strange looking guy
if I didn't know his history I could make one up for him on the spot
I couldn't guarantee it'd be right
but he was a person screaming to be identified by his appearance
don't judge a book by it's cover?
wise advice
but hard to follow
it's like the whole equality thing...
Try it for yourself
find 10
100
1000 men who declare that they fully support that men and women are equal
that they recognise that women are as strong as man
as intelligent as man
and then send a girl in to that room
a pretty girl
send her in crying
and they instantly view her as weak
and vulnerable
and they want to be strong and protective towards her...
People hey?
strong on words
weak on actions
and...
well
who am I to judge
I'm probably just the same...
I lit another cigarette and adjusted my stance
standing up is harder than it seems
I know...
that sounds dumb
what I meant was standing up
in the same spot
hour after hour
unable to move about
that's quite difficult
it wears on the calf's
it's boring
it's uncomfortable
so every now and then you change the balance of your weight
adjust your stance...
He wasn't doing much
he had been to the fridge
helped himself to a soda
and sat down again
I guess I coulda took a picture there and then
it would have been probably good enough
but you want the best you can get
that's what I was being paid for
real results
so I waited
smoked some more
and had a soda of my own
All the smoking of late was ripping at my throat
sometimes I over do the smoking thing
and it fucks my throat up
but when you're in a no sound
no light
boring situation like this then what else are you to do
I could get wasted but then I might screw up so it was sodas and cigarettes
no food
that coulda been dumb
suppose I needed the bathroom?
Taking a piss is easy
you can watch and piss
but not watch and dump...
The door opened in the room across the way
I saw her walk in
I smiled to myself
as it would soon be over now
but I was also worried
I knew this was the tricky part for her
and no matter how much I might preach about the equality of women
here was a vulnerable girl
(yeah, even hookers are vulnerable)
and I was like that guy in the room with the crying girl
I wanted to be tough and protective
I wanted that picture
I wanted it over for her
I didn't want that dirty bastard cop hitting on her no more
and this photo was gonna protect her forever...
And since then...
She was the blizzard that lies between the sacred eternal sleep
and the deafening silence of the heartless city
streets
Even the brightest
most colorful
neon reflection on the perma-rain soaked streets faded next to the hypnotic fire of her eyes
She was walking temptation at the gates to a thousand years of blissful torment
troubled sleeps of imperfection
in the face of ultimate obsession
She was a glimpse in the corner of my eye
that grew to become everything
No one could feed her today's
How could I ever hope to satisfy her thirst for tomorrow?
I touched the razor blade within my mind
and watched my soul turn to blood stained red
Hard and fast images of nightly news bulletins
and adult movies
with sub stratospheric stars
that twinkled only in their secret personal despairs
foot on the gas
no hands on the wheel
eyes closed
as the cliff edge hurtled towards them
at warp speed infinity
Permanent decline
of a never ending empire
Sometimes
between the jolts of streetcars switching lines
a spark of hope would fly off into the ether
but it would always fade before the blinking eye could catch it in it's self-righteous delusions of insanity
Who was I to argue with the fates of the night?
I crossed some of the T's
and dotted some of the I's
but...
even before I knew her name
she had faded into the darkness...
The clock slipped to 2 am
and I lay there
sleepless on a rotational bed ride of alcohol fueled visions
memories
regrets
dreams of how to change the future
and plots of staggered expeditions to a distant bathroom
to release the burden of an over laden bladder
or to vomit
or just to enjoy the mildly more comforting rest place of a cold tiled bathroom floor
I struggled to recall anything beyond her
and failed miserably
It was her face that was spinning on the ceiling above me
I dreamt I used to know her
or I would know her in the future
I dreamt I was rich
or poor
I dreamt I was happy
or sad
but every dream was saturated with the hypnotic fire of her eyes
and that tempting smile
that called to me with silent sirens song
How can love be so blind as to fall down a flight of steps
and to pretend that no one knew the real reason for the scars upon the heart?
We can cry rivers of salted tears
but you can only drown in deserts
Brake light red
Danger!
Danger!
Spiraling disorder
devoid of all feeling
or not
or drowned in so much pain
every micro-ounce of the universe
that reality is shouted down
and nothing becomes everything
and everything becomes nothing
All the noises of the street become your life
and your life becomes nothing but the noises of the streets
Hookers cries
addicts choking in the alley
smoked out on rock fantasies
that turned to nightmares
before maturity kicked in
Slammed doors
of bully boy beaters
leaving blackened wives
to drown their pain in tears
and to cook that dinner again
this time trying to get it 'just' right
so as to avoid another night at Ceasers Palace
Tyson's comeback
part 90503
Frost touching the souls of drunken nomads
who desperately try to remember where they came from
and when they do
drink again to forget
Lost souls in shop doorways
queuing for the undertakers
And you are all of them
and they are all of you
but still...
but still she floats before your eyes
spinning on the ceiling
like some ancient triskelion
I closed my eyes again
but it was too late
dawn was on it's way
and the bright shafts of the dull morning pierced beneath my eyelids
like pins into my eyes
forcing my dried senses to remain conscious of all about me
forcing my shaved mind to hear the hammer drill scratching noises of the world
my eyes to see the blinding visions
and my stomach to wish my brain had never won the right to decide how much to drink
C'est la vie...
It began to rain
from my horizontal position on the bed
I could crane my neck to just make out the window
and watch the globules of rain collecting on it's flat dirty surface
looking like glycerin blisters
bubbles of moisture slowly running down the pane
tick tocking
tick tocking
eating at my savaged over hung mind
tick tock
tick tock
tick tock
I closed my eyes again
searching the corners of my mind for...
something
I folded back a corner of my memory
to read it's contents
I would have cried
but I was to dehydrated for tears...
Sunday night was Chinese night...
I met this girl
a couple of days ago
and she invited me out for a meal
and so...
Sunday night was Chinese night
I was sitting there
enjoying my crispy seaweed
and noodles with a black bean sauce
when I just faded into a daydream
lost concentration
missed my mouth
and stabbed myself
just above my lip
with a chopstick
most weird...
(and embarrassing)
It drew blood
which was surprising
I mean...
chopsticks aren't that sharp or anything
It didn't seem to bother her though
as we had a good night
and we laughed a lot...
I like some Sundays...
In so much as...
and...
I am...
and...
Ummmm...
with regards to...
Ummmm...
because...
because...
because?
I am?
CONCENTRATE!!
Mind fades
wanders
gray swirls
of soft focus
dull vision
lost thought
on the wave of a daydream
Who am I
sitting here?
How am I...
where did...
did?
CONCENTRATE!!
Older
younger
memories that cloud the now
crowd the mind
forcing hands
no royal flush
full house?
No fuckers paying rent
for a jug of old faithful!
Dulcet tones of angels
singing songs of...
of...
of?
concentrate?
Yesterday has gone now
what's the point of swimming?
350 g Sausage meat
2 x 15 ml spoons oil (olive)
350 g Onions (peeled and sliced)
1 clove Garlic (crushed)
4 sticks celery (scrubbed and sliced)
1 Red pepper (deseeded and sliced)
3 x 15 ml spoons Tomato puree
300 ml cider
100 g Mushrooms (cleaned and sliced)
2 x 5 ml spoons Sugar
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
225 g Noodles
100 g Cheese (grated)
Cooking time: about 30 minutes
Divide the sausage meat into small pieces
and roll into 24 small balls on a lightly floured surface
Heat the oil in a large pan and add the meat balls
Onions
and Garlic
and fry until brown
Add the Celery
Pepper
Tomato puree
Cider
and Mushrooms
and bring to the boil
and add the sugar and seasoning
Simmer for about 20 minutes
Cook the Noodles as directed on the packet
drain well
and stir into the sauce
with the cheese
Taste and adjust seasoning...
Owner of an unused heart
cosmic survivor
blanc de blanc
can't you see
Christmas is over?
Paper debris
crumpled dreams
of how we sweated
corporate dreams
to do the right thing
when there is no right thing
only till rings
checkout girls
ain't even smiling
cold comfort
of a warm meal
playing happy families
even if you don't got one
Drink
Drink
Drink
Race to be
a plastic container
of recycled visions
Hollywood's vision
of Cola's Santa
Red of St. Nick
and all the green has tumbled
lost in forests
with the dreams that were carried
in bulging sacks
bring it back?
You're not listening
it's you that stopped being Peter Pan
I'm just sitting on old Hooks deck
I'm not a player in the drama
I'm just reading notes from the Captains log
I was never in this dream to start with...
Yesterday morning
day of rest
I lay there
and...
that's about it
that's all Yesterday mornings should ever be full of
either laying there in total nonexistence
or the semi-romantic journey home after a magical night out
nothing else really fits in Yesterday mornings
I toyed with the idea of thinking
but I dismissed it
why bother?
I have 24 hours a day
7 days a week for thinking
why let it flood into the tranquillity of Yesterday?
Take a walk in the park
take a valium pill
read the letter you got
from the memory girl
but it takes more than this
to make sense of the day
yeah it takes more than milk
to get rid of the taste
and you trusted to this
and you trusted to that
and when you saw it all come
it was waving the flag
of the united states of calamity
hey!
after all that you've done boy
I'm sure you're going to pay
And some how the ocean drifted into the room
washing over me
floating me above my bed
and I closed my eyes
and lay there
on internal clouds
rainbow king
flooded out
with the whispers of a hundred dreamers
singing softly
unto me
unto me
singing follow
singing hold my hand
singing love me
and I held
and I loved
and I floated
higher
higher
higher
into smoky clouds
of inner visions
wispy morning paradise...
A butterfly drifted into my head
the breeze from it's fluttering wings cooled my mind
with a rainbow kaleidoscope of picture perfect angels
floating on gossamer wings
held fast inside of crystal tears
that refracted light
into streams of energy
each color representing an emotion
or an aspiration
hope
love
joy
peace
and so on
and I was flying with them all
singing with them all
loving with them all...
I opened my eyes
and lay back on my bed and lit a cigarette
and I contemplated getting up before midday
but then decided against the idea
and closed my eyes
and went back to surfing
with hindsight I should have put the cigarette out first
as I was woken minutes later by the searing pain of burning ash on my fingers
but it was Yesterday morning
and nothing can distract from heaven on a yesterday morning
nothing...
I fastened my seat belt
and fired the ignition button
the booster rockets kicked in
and I was slung out into the stratosphere
hurtling towards heaven at a million miles an hour
Were no lessons learnt from the tower of Babel?
I flew higher and higher
swallowing star after star
supernova breakfasts
cosmic seaweed
blanketing me
in spiraling fantasy
catching nothing but the cold wind
of the void
empty sang my middle name
a space tourist
on the other side of town
darkness is the light
to those that close their eyes
while singing tear drop tunes
of neon yesterdays
Somehow I managed to miss the moon
but still had cheese
with my crackers
blinded by the shuttle
in my eye
and they thought I was dreaming?
And all the songs they sang
were up there
and all the dreams they dreamt
could be touched
with the tips of fingers
stretched out
from cloned gravity free fingers
and the senses danced
in old fashioned dance time
And the opportunity to wake
was spurned
by all who swam
in galaxies
of crystal fantasy
and seas
and oceans filled the heavens
mountains soared
beneath the wings of birds
that no longer feared the wrath of man
And somehow
I found myself dancing
and for some reason
I sang your name
and for some time
I let myself continue dreaming...
And now my birthday is closing in...
another year
and...
The burden of silence
a tear to shatter the sound of the void
a moment to awaken the spirit
that lies dormant inside of yesterday
can you hear me mother?
I am still singing
And the shoulder wheels
and falls limp
the mind follows
and the heart beat slows
a niggling pain lives in the side
as the crackling of the lungs
strains beneath the knowing of the future
It isn't that I couldn't change it all
it's the knowing that I haven't got the motivation
it's knowing that tomorrow just carries the seed of yesterday
it's the knowing that the tear washes away nothing
it just collects at the corner of the lapel
a salted reminder of another promise that faded
with a dream
I cling onto the strap of my guitar
knowing that I'll never make it sing again...
Somewhere in the distance there is a tomorrow
but I wonder if I will ever see it...
I wondered if I want to see it...
I know I'll continue to walk along this path
because...
who ever knows?
But I hold no hope
my pockets are empty
but for memories and smiles
to hand out to passing strangers
I know angels exist
I know the taste of a good kiss
and the saturation of good love
but what compensates for the empty?
What compensates for not existing?
Who am I
but a slave to a system that doesn't even recognize me
Who am I
but the missing number from a world driven by statistics
What am I
but the number
that was never carried
from the one column to the next
6 and 6
can never add to 13
If you ever know me
you know where I am
If you ever want me
just dream a thousand dreams
that's where I am...
And here I am
on the cusp of a new year
on the peak of a wave
that will wash away another empty
and replace it with flavors
that would probably taste the same
but for the one thousandth time
I find myself observing all the same rituals again
staring at clocks
and waiting
like one tick
from a digital hand could make a difference
and I remember...
and I remember...
Never was so lonely as the night
with all it's dreams of yesterday
encapsulated within a moments hesitation
and then tomorrow dawns
a new year
to find the screaming body
dragged from the final breath of the previous chapter
and into darkness.
clouds fill the sky
dark and gray
with flurries of snow
and worries of man
that fall and lie
deep upon the fields of thought
until the vista is such
that even memory can not recognise it's twisted features
a thing of beauty?
a white demon?
who knows what others see
behind the windows of their souls
who hears their silent screams
and runs protective to cradle them within awaking dreams
of how it should have been
it could have been
if only the dice had fallen even
how can life be decided by the flick of a wrist?
And what of chapters new?
of fields yet untrodden
and future speak
of what you seek
alone but not so sure
filled with doubts
of how much longer can the fear of past remain
before it bites upon the very substance of the soul inside
and leaves the dreamer
spineless
and crippled
with no place left to wander
and no mind left to wonder
just dribbled gibberish
of take him off to treatment?
And each heartbeat is different now
each blink of the eye sees a different dream
and no seasons exist
no maps remain
the world is different
a new horizon Hoovers
virgin world
of o so scary
and who will write the chapters
if the spirit breaks?
And within each moment is a lifetime
a million plans
a billion schemes
and each is shattered like the waking dream
on frosty mornings
where the cold drags you screaming
before your memory grasps the purpose of it's nocturnal
quest.
Are tears so personal that others can not share the salt of wounds
without the being of the purpose
and if they can then how is there injustice while we speak of
compassion
or is the only passion
the heavy breathing fucking of an animal
disguised as man
and lonely as the night
vacant and apart
except in electric moments
of need.
What is a tear anyway?
And what purpose is in pain
that we can't feel the thoughts of others in our micro biotic
ever healthy
take a pill of wealth and beauty
cut price in a sale
cuz everything
is yours
if the price is right
consumer
vacuumer
of suck the whole world dry
and shaft it if it's sleeping
just because your father said you had to
just cuz grandma wants the best for you
Footstep or thought?
the commencement of action
no distraction
a new chapter
and where is it?
who knows
the floating impulse of
roll the dice
pray for nice
but take a frozen road
if the gods wish
and pray that this time
like other times
you live to rue the day
you ever went away
instead of dying like all the others did
cuz the fuckers said defeat was not acceptable
and walk on
walk on
and journey to the place of sin
so once again you might begin
in twisted tombs of
what the fuck is happening?
what destination on the ticket?
whatever place seems right
when stolen credit cards are traded
for another place
another face
and who will I be next
the boy died first
and then the artist
then the con
and then...
always dying
never living
chapter after chapter
and now the poets dead
not one more word will fall
like autumn leaves
and as the spring turns
the rotting decay
of a forgotten dream
will fade from memory
to be replaced
by yesterday
before the ghost came...
What difference does a year make?
The song remains the same...
Today I was taking a walk
I walked down this old lane
It was a quaint country lane
The type you see in old Agatha Christie movies
you didn't have to stretch your imagination to far
to picture Miss Marple
cycling down the lane
on her way to share a cup of tea
with the local gentry
or the village policeman
or...
who ever it is that Miss Marple shares cups of tea
and cucumber sandwiches with...
It was the sort of picture book beauty
that you don't really believe exists
in the real world
until you stumble upon it
and here I was
lucky to be strolling down it on a regular basis
on my way from my temporary lodgings
to the computer I used
on a near daily basis
It was a crisp
clear
summers day
the hazy sunshine streaming through the branches
to sprinkle speckled golden sunlight before my feet
The day was beautiful
and the lane was beautiful
I noticed that one of the houses had a board outside of it
a piece of commercial intrusion
in an otherwise rural Idyll
TO LET
contact: GOBBIT and KIRBY
gkl.co.uk
The house had caught my eye before
not just because it was a very nice house
which it undoubtedly was
but also because of it's name
'TENBY'
So why did the name 'Tenby' grab my attention?
Tenby is also the name of a place in Wales
in a part of the country that I visit on a regular basis
well...
I frequently visit the place
but there is nothing regular about my visits
although it is certainly a place I have fond memories of...
Yeah...
I knew Tenby and the area it lived in
Anyway....
I decided to take a second look at the board
just to check the web address
so I glanced back
It's not that I could ever afford such a beautiful house
but I figured I could look it up on the Internet
maybe learn how it got it's name
and as I glanced back
I heard a knocking sound
I looked to see where it was coming from
and spotted a woman
young
maybe early twenties
at one of the upstairs windows
She knocked again
and waved
I smiled
and waved back...
It's not like this is going anywhere
I didn't turn around
go back and speak to her
I may never see her again
but that brief moment
for reasons I can't explain
gladdened my heart
even though it meant nothing
but...
How often has nothing lead to the start of something in my life?
Maybe today will lead nowhere
but...
I have a feeling
sooner or later
something will happen
it always does
I have a feeling my story is far from over...
C'est la vie...
And that's it...
that is all I have to say
that is my life
or the parts of it that I have been willing to share with you
and do you care?
Maybe I should close this journal...
What do you think?
I searched and searched
I couldn't find the answer
it wasn't drowning in the bottom of a bottle
it wasn't to be punctured by a dirty needle
it was nowhere
not for me
I crawled
spewing blood and vomit
I crawled
on my hands and knees
couldn't you see me
bleeding?
You think this is not a nightmare?
Halloween of city streets
darkened hours
of paranoia
a thousand miles
of empty dreams
voidular nightmares
painted
indelible
on the inside of the mind
prisoner
takes the soul
the funk of spirit
scattered
splattered
red stain on the side walk
dreams of daylight
painted on the inside of my mind
catching rainbows
in illusions
I could never make it
not even as me
How am I to make it as another?
And all the time
my backdrop
is the dirty gray of the sidewalk
it's not there to walk on
it's to live on
to lie on
to work and sleep on
stone gray
not a day goes by
when I don't lie in a gutter
looking up at the stars
wishing
wishing
kissing night skies
with hope
and dreams
but I could never make it
not even as me
down is where I am
it's where I belong
in the worlds of grays
and blacks
and blues
of painted smiles
20 bucks a giggle
rock a plenty
try it for a ride
to those stars
fast car
of any place is better
than the bitter taste
of reality...
And if you catch me waking
if you catch the cold day shaking
spirit into my bones
if you hear my moans
if you see me spewing
any signs of life
if you catch me before I die
then just walk by
cuz I don't want sympathy
I overdose on good intentions
I overdose on bleeding hearts
with words like odourless farts
bursts of wind
that float past
as they slide on home
to their warm delusions
leaving us with cold confusions
and they don't have a clue
clever fuckers
more stupid than any night
pimped out on sell out clauses
no pauses
for a sharp intake of reality
a sharp breath
smells to much like death
smells to much
of all the things their running from
it's easier to wave a flag
and pretend that things ain't so bad
even if they live on the edge of hell...
I got drunk last night and fell asleep beneath the stars
It ain't that I had to
It's that I wanted to
It's a case of absolute freedom
It's feeling the cool of the night
a natural cool
so much better than the plastic warmth
of indoors
it's waking up shaking
knowing you're alive
maybe not forever
but for the moment
and that moment is forever
at that time
you have the whole planet to yourself
and every thought in it
maybe I won't be alive for tomorrow
maybe I wasn't alive yesterday
but for that night...
I crossed the T's
I dotted the I's
black staring eyes
paranoid eyes
never again will I
never again will you see
never again will it be
android voices in my head
screaming children
long since dead
lost horizons
who bombed Shangri-La?
I was
wasn't I?
we were
weren't we?
never again will I
never again will you see
never again will it be
fuck this
screaming voices
hard nights
bar fights
drink like you never dreamt
and if the floor comes to fast
then we can laugh
cuz never again will I
never again will you see
never again will it be
and every city is a thousand songs
and every city holds a million tears
behind it's idle flood gates
pain like you never felt
sounds you never heard
you ain't known evil
you ain't known the steams of hell
you ain't seen the dying breath
you ain't held the final words in your head
a thousand nights
a thousand nightmares
they don't fade
nothing fades
nothing drowns in a bottle
nothings punctured by a needle
nothings beyond here
there is no lower circle
there is no lonelier night
there is nothing
and never again will I
and never again will you see
and never again will it be
cuz fuck ain't a dirty word
fuck ain't nothing
cunt ain't nothing
and I'm sorry for those offended
but your journeys never ending
there's a thousand more circuits
on the downward spiral...
stars have gone
hidden behind the dark of night
this is not right
black
hollow skies
no wonder the street cries
no wonder there are screams
take a pocket full of sins
and smear them
head to toe
take a trip down a blind alley
at night
and tell me you can't see
tell me those upon their knees
are not praying
take the stars
from where you see them
and bring them back to our skies
widow married
sons a plenty
holding on to pocket rides
gliding
how you shouldn't
where you shouldn't
in unadulterated cabin rides
and if you're blind
you're still holding hands across your eyes
cuz there's no surprise
and nothing you can't see
when the sound of thunder
is in your ears
and you are on your knees
take the fucking glasses
take the blinkers
lose them
don't abuse them
don't hide behind the comfort of your world
taste the rest
it might not be best
but it's how we live
if you don't know
how can you change
how can we change
if you lie resplendent
on a chaise lounge
happy dreams?
I got
we got
we can't lose
nightmares
you are so closed inside the box
you are sprung so tight
you are a coiled watch spring
you are the devil in my gin
you are an angel if I sin
you are the street at night
you are my company
when the dreams begin to bite
you are my shield
you are my hope
you are the pressure valve on my mind
you are my god
when I need one
you are summer
you are spring
you are fall
I often fall
don't I?
offer it
on silver rides
offer it in slides from sanity
loud thrashing slides
a million miles an hour rides
and long days
of biting cold
or scalding heat
dust or ice
it's all the same
painted back drop
to everything
that never was
that never could be
a dream is something for the future
a life is something from the past
absailing through the mind
with hands
that caress the inner sanctuary of the brain
and if I am insane
at least I got there feeling
at least I got there knowing
and seeing
and loving
and living
at least I felt the pain
at least I felt the warmth of love
at least I knew a million things
that others only see in dreams
or dream they knew in life
at least my life was never shallow fantasy
or sinful false pretence
at least I'll lie inside my grave
and know
know I can look back and say
if I played it right
if I fucked it up
if I made a difference
if I never mattered
at least I was me
at least I was honest
at least I was a constant truth
that tried my best...
Rip my heart out
with your sinful looks
hook eyes
you got them closed
but you still see
and I see the pretence
but I let you feel
that you own control
that you own my soul
I will give you anything
or nothing
cuz it's all the same
on some empty stage
in here
in nowhere
cuz I was playing
I was only saying
cuz they were the words you asked for
and if I stood by the door
I was never really there
I was a million miles away
in different worlds
in different dreams
playing out a reality
that you will never see
a reality of perfection
of everything
that can ever be
and fuck me
you can dream until you are dead
but no one ever said
the answers would come
I know that some
will hide behind the veil
and if you can't see the veil
then you ain't never looked
beyond the sins of your pretence
and I know where that is
and I don't cry for it
I won't cry for it
I'll laugh at those that bite it
and try and fight it
cuz that's a comedy
true comedy
and I'm not even there
I'm not even here
I am a million places
looking into the shit
looking into what lies in the bowl
cuz the bowl of the bowel
is all that's left tomorrow
and I won't follow
I don't need to
I won't be a slave
I won't ever lose that self
inside of me
that's like a bad dream
I'll never be you
but I'm glad that's true
I'm glad I'm a million miles away
cuz here it's real
here it matters
here the sound of music is on a higher plane
you will never here the songs I hear
you will never see the colors that I see
you will never smell the smells that I see
while you're staring at a detail in a picture that isn't even there
and fuck cbs
and nbc
and cnn
with their fiction
and their fantasy
do you buy that?
do you fall for all those stories?
Man...
reach the world
touch it
smell it
hear it
TV is a play
a movie screen
there's no reality in that magic picture box
of transmitted bullshit
kiss the taste of reality
kiss the taste of where the people are
not in pretty picket land
not in happy contentment
not in minimum wage
or higher
not in burger king
or a coke bottle
there's no taste in there
just calories
just fantasies
and you think you've seen anything?
you think you know anything?
you think the world stops at your front door
and begins again in some borrowed book
or on some piss poor CD
that was written or recorded by some college whore
who fucked the guy at Sony?
influence
affluence
effluence
the money is in your pocket
who cares what you're buying
it's all shit
it's all the soil of the poor man
your dreams are just the paper on his walls
your hopes are just the furrows in his fields
and this time...
and next time...
and why do you bother waking
just to crawl into MTV
to find a fantasy
that ain't even aimed at you
that doesn't even know your name
cuz who knows your name?
just another ten of you
and who cares what the mirror thinks
and who cares if it's clean or stinks
is that really #1 thought in your mind
look behind
at the billions of others out there
don't you even care
don't you see
or feel
or know
or have a comprehension
of pain
of poverty
of starvation
of death
of slavery
of rape
of jail
of gangs of rats
that look at you and laugh
cuz even at the bottom
you're still lower
and you might want to ride a wheel of self satisfaction
but you' re not even a masturbation fantasy
to the real world
you're not even a blink of their eyes
you're not a good time
you're not a bad time
they'd rather vomit on the sidewalk
don't believe me?
watch them
tonight
on any night
the world moves on
and they don't even see you
in your fantasy
you're not the center of a universe
you're not even the first line of a song
you are just...
the subject of these words
and nothing else
and when I stop typing
you cease existing
goodbye...
I don't want to kill myself
but I see no other way
I sat in 1976 last night
so warm
with scent of summer
so safe
but so many years ago
I don't want to kill myself
but I see no other way
Paranoid
and hiding in your self woven fantasy
you think I can't see
the furrowed field
upon your brow
permanent reminder
of the deceit you spun
web of your own creation
drawing in
everything you touch
but who gives a fuck
it's all expendable isn't it?
expandable
until apocalypse?
Hands that glide
can hide
their true location
no vacation
just a fantasy
a recreation
of a moment
that was a million times better
crime scene?
nothing seen
was even worth a whisper
you really thing it's that good?
you think it's that special?
it's just another tear factory
on the never ending road
despair is not a moment
it's a way of life
blue is not a color
it's today
and yesterday was nothing
to the pain of tomorrow
and you can absail from your pulpit
with your sermons
but this is a glass house
and the stones let in the light of day
understand the way
it always has to be?
and if your ass is hurting
then don't blame my boot
my boots went walking
not kicking
the pain upon your ass
is self abuse
from comforts
you haven't earned
and that's the lesson to be learned
selfish is a many colored skin
it can begin at any place
blindness is no excuse
in the eyes of the lord...
Summer swam the rivers of my senses
holding me under water
in choking fits
of warm apathy
pinning me to nothing
in hope that nothing
could ever hurt
in nowhere
that is
and if I took a ride to...
understand
that standing still
is not a way of staying
it's a way of running
Plastic pacifist appeaser
don't you understand
that the pain
doesn't have to come from your hands
it comes from the whole
poisoned chalice
of your life
behind your closed eyes
is a million thorns
that rip the soul
of millions
you dream of peaceful fantasy
but that's all it is
a dream
as you wallow in your rose bath
and turn away
from the road kill
from the poverty
and reality
comfort is a sin
if it's a personal thing
while everyone else is burning
you never heard
that loose lips
sink ships?
you never heard
that poison
is spread
from the thoughts
in a head
from grudges held
from preconceptions
and views
that never change
as you wallow in your rose bath
and turn away
from the road kill
from the poverty
and reality
I never stood
where you did
I never tasted
what you did
I never knew
what you said
could hurt so much
but I shoulda known I had a heart
a heart to hurt
I shoulda known it was still inside of there
somewhere
gathering dust
to be exploited
by a burst
of vitriol
twenty thousand reasons
why the road is long
twenty thousand reasons why my stone
is still standing
held still by visions
and you think I'm still alive?
laugh that laugh you got
cuz the joke is
that I am
not here...
As I fell to death
as the blood wound it's way one final time
with phantom erections
and ghostly emissions
of anything left in the loop
I saw a vision of god
and I said to him
I said
what is the answer
and he said to me
you'll only find that in life
to late I guess
to ever know...
Quality of life?
of...
and take your hand away from my soul
it's not for sale
it's not the property of an angel
it's the property of the night
stamped with darkness
and beer stained
tear stained
cold comfort
or just cold
left exploded
underneath a street light
left with the vomit
it brought forth
instead of rhetoric
instead of...
I don't know
what did you ever want?
I gave heart and soul
I gave spirit and love
I gave everything
what did I miss?
nothing drowns in a bottle
nothings punctured by a needle
this is it
this is the alpha
and omega
this is me
stop looking for more
because there is none
just the guy
that sleeps beneath the stars...