All Will Be Revealed
Yeah, so I think this just went beyond humor and into the realm of the absurd. Apologies to everyone in advance who might read this. And I guess this proves we really are crazy folks on the internet -- but this was a damn cracky season they made, you know? TPTB were starting to get weirder than us. It felt like a dare.
Anyway, thanks to zinke for the request! And wisteria_ for the icon, bitterlatinist and M for being my first readers (as always), em_meredith for graciously allowing for inspiration without permisssion, and the flist for the encouragement!
'ALL WILL BE REVEALED'
The 'What if Lee had kept going' version of the finale
Adama: ...and to tell the truth, I doubted this day would ever come. But we have done it. We have found Earth.
(Roslin and Adama embrace; wild celebration ensues)
Lee (leaping on the console and tearing off his jacket): I’m so happy, I feel like - stripping!
CIC officer (clapping wildly): YEAH! Take it OFF!
Another CIC officer: DO IT!
(a crowd gathers)
Adama: Son, get down from there!
Lee: No, Dad. You can’t tell me what to do anymore, and I’ve got almost a decade’s worth of repression to work off!
Adama: No! Control yourself! Suppress those feelings like a man!
Lee: NO. NO MORE. (whirling jacket above his head) To the men and women of Galactica!
(Crowd cheers) To our exploded girlfriends, husbands and wives! (A cheer rises again)
To EARTH! (Crowd goes nuts)
Adama: Leland Adama, stop this right now!
Lee: NEVER!
Roslin (taking him by the elbow): Oh, Bill, just - let him do it. I remember in one of the sacred scrolls, it said something like this would happen: “And the son of the baleful-eyed warrior shall rejoice; and yea verily, they shall doff their clothes, and all will be revealed...”
Adama: Pythia said that? Well, okay then. Can't say I ever really understood religion. But if that is your way...carry on, Son!
Lee: I know now what I was always meant to do!
Roslin: Come along, Bill, we have some important mission debriefing to do -
Adama: We do?
Roslin (steering him rapidly toward the exit): Get a clue, Bill.
Adama: Oh. (twenty second pause) OH!
(They leave)
Lee: And now the fun can really begin. (He flings his jacket into the crowd) Are you ready for a show, Galactica?
Crowd: HELL YEAH!
CIC officer (waving cash): 50 cubits if you go all the way!
Another CIC officer: 70! No, a hundred!
Lee (smiling): Keep your money, folks, this show’s on me.
Yet another officer (with an adoring sigh): He’s such a man of the people!
(Hoshi, Dee and Gaeta sit at Gaeta’s station at the edge of the crowd)
Dee: Leave it to Lee to find new ways to embarrass himself…
Hoshi: Aw, c’mon, this could be good! TAKE IT OFF, LEE, TAKE IT OFF!
Gaeta: Hoshi!
Hoshi: What-? Oh, relax, Gaeta, just enjoy it - and find him a kicky beat.
Gaeta: Oh, FINE. (speakers fill with pulsating music) You’re just lucky I keep my disco techno on hand to play during the night shift.
(Lee begins to slowly remove his shirt in time to the beat; the crowd whistles and hoots)
Crowd: More! MORE! MORE!
Hoshi: Wow, he’s really good for an amateur!
Gaeta: Oh, and you’re the expert now?
Hoshi: Can it, Gaeta, I’m a connoisseur. And this - well this is some damn fine manflesh jigglin’, I have to say. That technique! The saucy way he teases us with each button! And now the belt-! (gasps) He must be a natural!
Dee (covering her eyes) Uhm…well…
Hoshi (pointing): I mean, look at the way he swivels his hips! That right there is an ADVANCED MOVE!
Dee: The thing is, guys…he’s not exactly new to this.
Gaeta: WHAT?
Dee: He had a career in it, before he entered the reserves. Said something about wanting to pay his own way through war college and not being beholden to family, but personally, I think he always wanted to be caught. Anything to stick it to the old man. He stripped for years!
Gaeta: I cannot BELIEVE the rumor mill never got ahold of this!
Dee: Well, he worked under an alias. Maybe people didn’t know.
Hoshi: But Dee, you knew! And you’ve been holding out on us! How could you?
Dee: Well, there’s more…
Hoshi and Gaeta (in unison): Spill!
Dee: He had a special persona that he stripped under, like a superhero character. With a costume and everything!
Gaeta: NO EFFIN WAY.
Dee: And his stage name was-hee, hee, oh gods you’ll love this-it was-
Hoshi: No, don’t tell us, let us guess. ‘Major Tightass’!
Gaeta: ‘Shorty von Beefcake’!
Hoshi: ‘The Emo-nator’!
Gaeta: ‘Pecs McRipple’!
Dee (cracking up) No, you’re ALL wrong -
(Lee tears off his pants to the roar of the crowd)
Hoshi: WHOA! He wears GLITTER underwear!
Dee: He went by ‘Captain Democracy’!
(Lee whirls and jiggles his behind with flair)
Gaeta: Oh my Gods, it’s spelled out in sequins on his ass.
Dee (sighing): Those are his favorite pair.
Hoshi: HE’S MAGNIFICENT…
Dee (to Gaeta): You know, looking back, I guess I should've seen it coming. I was never as important to him as his sparkly Democracy pants.
(Gaeta rubs her on the shoulder, looks at her with concern; Lee continues gyrating expertly to the adulation of the crowd)
Hoshi (entranced): Hot DAMN, this is, like, beyond stripping. It’s like being in the presence of a work of ART.
Gaeta: A really dorky work of art.
Hoshi: Oh hush, you. You’re just jealous. He is fah-bu-looouuus! (He leaps up and pumps a fist in the air) WOOOO HOOO, GO LEE! Take it OFF!
Gaeta: Hoshi! Control yourself!
Hoshi: No! I’ve got naked fever! (He tears open his own jacket) AND WE’RE FINALLY HAPPY NOW!
Crowd (chanting): TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!
Hoshi: This awesomeness needs to be shared. Get me a ship-wide channel!
Gaeta: Oh no. Don’t. Nothing good ever happens after we -
Hoshi (lifting receiver): MEN AND WOMEN OF GALACTICA, LEE ADAMA’S ARMS HAVE BEEN LIBERATED. I REPEAT, THE ARMS HAVE BEEN LIBERATED. FREE STRIP SHOW GOING ON NOW IN THE CIC.
Lee: Come on down, the party’s just getting started! (more cheering)
Hoshi: AND HURRY, FOLKS, YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS THE SPARKLY UNDERWEAR. HOSHI OUT.
(Lee does the splits, as the crowd roars again; he flings his tie at Gaeta and winks)
Gaeta (untangling self from tie with a sheepish grin): okay yeah that was actually kinda awesome
Hoshi: HA!
(The CIC fills with an even bigger crowd; the noise level triples)
Kara (charging in at full speed): GODS DAMMIT LEE THOSE BETTER NOT BE MINE YOU’RE WEARING -
Gaeta: What?!
Kara: Uh, erm, long story. (cranes her neck to look above the crowd) Oh good! They AREN’T mine.
Whew. He stretches them out SO much. (glaring at Gaeta as he stares) WHAT?
Gaeta: You have sparkly underwear? That you let Lee borrow from you!?
Kara: Just shut it, okay? You wouldn’t understand.
Gaeta: Riiiight. I forgot, you two have this "special bond."
Dee: Oh, geez. Thank the GODS I no longer care.
Gaeta (throwing an arm around her): Smart girl!
Dee (smiling): Thanks, Felix.
Hoshi (glaring suspiciously at Dee): Hey, Gaeta, about those drinks later -
Gaeta: Don’t you worry, hon, there’s enough of the Big G to go ‘round!
Hoshi: Well…okay. As long as I can keep watching Capt. Bootyshake for a bit.
Gaeta: Oh, don't worry. I wouldn't dream of missing this.
Kara (pushing her way forward): Lee, get down from there!
Lee: No, not unless you get up and do it too.
Crowd: WOOOO!
Kara: Oh no, no way!
Lee: Aw, c’mon! What, are you afraid?
Kara (scowling): No-!
Crowd: STAR-BUCK, STAR-BUCK!
Dee: This is so frakked up, it’s actually amusing.
Gaeta (leaning in close): And I know something that will make it all even better.
Dee: What?
Gaeta: I’ve been taping this on the security feed all along.
Dee (breathlessly): No!
Gaeta: And we’re going to make a killing with it on the black market.
Dee: Felix - I love you.
Gaeta: Dee - I know.
(They kiss; the show goes on)
Lee: As my last act as interim president, I hereby declare this officially: Naked Time! Come on, Kara!
Kara: I dunno, Lee, it all turned out so badly on New Caprica. All this has happened before -
Lee: But it doesn’t have to happen again.
Crowd: STRIP! STRIP! STRIP! STRIP!
Lee: MY NAME - IS LEE - ADAMA -
Kara: Not again!
Lee: AND I LOOOOOVE - NAKED TIIIIIME!
Kara: Ah, frak it. Make some room up there, Apollo - I mean, ‘Captain Democracy.’ You call this a floorshow? I’ll show you how it’s done.
Lee (grinning): About time. Everybody now! Listen! Call the damn toasters, too. We’re going to strip for Earth. Humans and Cylons. Together.
Crowd (with wild applause): SO SAY WE ALL!
(montage of beaming faces and celebration in the crowd)
(Articles of clothing fly through the air)
***fade to black, with bagpipes***
____
Author's note: I couldn't use it in this post because I realized it was spoilery (damn) but look at the icon wisteria_ made!
And she says it's shareable!
PS, I firmly believe that that suit had tearaway pants the whole time.
Anyway, thanks to zinke for the request! And wisteria_ for the icon, bitterlatinist and M for being my first readers (as always), em_meredith for graciously allowing for inspiration without permisssion, and the flist for the encouragement!
'ALL WILL BE REVEALED'
The 'What if Lee had kept going' version of the finale
Adama: ...and to tell the truth, I doubted this day would ever come. But we have done it. We have found Earth.
(Roslin and Adama embrace; wild celebration ensues)
Lee (leaping on the console and tearing off his jacket): I’m so happy, I feel like - stripping!
CIC officer (clapping wildly): YEAH! Take it OFF!
Another CIC officer: DO IT!
(a crowd gathers)
Adama: Son, get down from there!
Lee: No, Dad. You can’t tell me what to do anymore, and I’ve got almost a decade’s worth of repression to work off!
Adama: No! Control yourself! Suppress those feelings like a man!
Lee: NO. NO MORE. (whirling jacket above his head) To the men and women of Galactica!
(Crowd cheers) To our exploded girlfriends, husbands and wives! (A cheer rises again)
To EARTH! (Crowd goes nuts)
Adama: Leland Adama, stop this right now!
Lee: NEVER!
Roslin (taking him by the elbow): Oh, Bill, just - let him do it. I remember in one of the sacred scrolls, it said something like this would happen: “And the son of the baleful-eyed warrior shall rejoice; and yea verily, they shall doff their clothes, and all will be revealed...”
Adama: Pythia said that? Well, okay then. Can't say I ever really understood religion. But if that is your way...carry on, Son!
Lee: I know now what I was always meant to do!
Roslin: Come along, Bill, we have some important mission debriefing to do -
Adama: We do?
Roslin (steering him rapidly toward the exit): Get a clue, Bill.
Adama: Oh. (twenty second pause) OH!
(They leave)
Lee: And now the fun can really begin. (He flings his jacket into the crowd) Are you ready for a show, Galactica?
Crowd: HELL YEAH!
CIC officer (waving cash): 50 cubits if you go all the way!
Another CIC officer: 70! No, a hundred!
Lee (smiling): Keep your money, folks, this show’s on me.
Yet another officer (with an adoring sigh): He’s such a man of the people!
(Hoshi, Dee and Gaeta sit at Gaeta’s station at the edge of the crowd)
Dee: Leave it to Lee to find new ways to embarrass himself…
Hoshi: Aw, c’mon, this could be good! TAKE IT OFF, LEE, TAKE IT OFF!
Gaeta: Hoshi!
Hoshi: What-? Oh, relax, Gaeta, just enjoy it - and find him a kicky beat.
Gaeta: Oh, FINE. (speakers fill with pulsating music) You’re just lucky I keep my disco techno on hand to play during the night shift.
(Lee begins to slowly remove his shirt in time to the beat; the crowd whistles and hoots)
Crowd: More! MORE! MORE!
Hoshi: Wow, he’s really good for an amateur!
Gaeta: Oh, and you’re the expert now?
Hoshi: Can it, Gaeta, I’m a connoisseur. And this - well this is some damn fine manflesh jigglin’, I have to say. That technique! The saucy way he teases us with each button! And now the belt-! (gasps) He must be a natural!
Dee (covering her eyes) Uhm…well…
Hoshi (pointing): I mean, look at the way he swivels his hips! That right there is an ADVANCED MOVE!
Dee: The thing is, guys…he’s not exactly new to this.
Gaeta: WHAT?
Dee: He had a career in it, before he entered the reserves. Said something about wanting to pay his own way through war college and not being beholden to family, but personally, I think he always wanted to be caught. Anything to stick it to the old man. He stripped for years!
Gaeta: I cannot BELIEVE the rumor mill never got ahold of this!
Dee: Well, he worked under an alias. Maybe people didn’t know.
Hoshi: But Dee, you knew! And you’ve been holding out on us! How could you?
Dee: Well, there’s more…
Hoshi and Gaeta (in unison): Spill!
Dee: He had a special persona that he stripped under, like a superhero character. With a costume and everything!
Gaeta: NO EFFIN WAY.
Dee: And his stage name was-hee, hee, oh gods you’ll love this-it was-
Hoshi: No, don’t tell us, let us guess. ‘Major Tightass’!
Gaeta: ‘Shorty von Beefcake’!
Hoshi: ‘The Emo-nator’!
Gaeta: ‘Pecs McRipple’!
Dee (cracking up) No, you’re ALL wrong -
(Lee tears off his pants to the roar of the crowd)
Hoshi: WHOA! He wears GLITTER underwear!
Dee: He went by ‘Captain Democracy’!
(Lee whirls and jiggles his behind with flair)
Gaeta: Oh my Gods, it’s spelled out in sequins on his ass.
Dee (sighing): Those are his favorite pair.
Hoshi: HE’S MAGNIFICENT…
Dee (to Gaeta): You know, looking back, I guess I should've seen it coming. I was never as important to him as his sparkly Democracy pants.
(Gaeta rubs her on the shoulder, looks at her with concern; Lee continues gyrating expertly to the adulation of the crowd)
Hoshi (entranced): Hot DAMN, this is, like, beyond stripping. It’s like being in the presence of a work of ART.
Gaeta: A really dorky work of art.
Hoshi: Oh hush, you. You’re just jealous. He is fah-bu-looouuus! (He leaps up and pumps a fist in the air) WOOOO HOOO, GO LEE! Take it OFF!
Gaeta: Hoshi! Control yourself!
Hoshi: No! I’ve got naked fever! (He tears open his own jacket) AND WE’RE FINALLY HAPPY NOW!
Crowd (chanting): TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!
Hoshi: This awesomeness needs to be shared. Get me a ship-wide channel!
Gaeta: Oh no. Don’t. Nothing good ever happens after we -
Hoshi (lifting receiver): MEN AND WOMEN OF GALACTICA, LEE ADAMA’S ARMS HAVE BEEN LIBERATED. I REPEAT, THE ARMS HAVE BEEN LIBERATED. FREE STRIP SHOW GOING ON NOW IN THE CIC.
Lee: Come on down, the party’s just getting started! (more cheering)
Hoshi: AND HURRY, FOLKS, YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS THE SPARKLY UNDERWEAR. HOSHI OUT.
(Lee does the splits, as the crowd roars again; he flings his tie at Gaeta and winks)
Gaeta (untangling self from tie with a sheepish grin): okay yeah that was actually kinda awesome
Hoshi: HA!
(The CIC fills with an even bigger crowd; the noise level triples)
Kara (charging in at full speed): GODS DAMMIT LEE THOSE BETTER NOT BE MINE YOU’RE WEARING -
Gaeta: What?!
Kara: Uh, erm, long story. (cranes her neck to look above the crowd) Oh good! They AREN’T mine.
Whew. He stretches them out SO much. (glaring at Gaeta as he stares) WHAT?
Gaeta: You have sparkly underwear? That you let Lee borrow from you!?
Kara: Just shut it, okay? You wouldn’t understand.
Gaeta: Riiiight. I forgot, you two have this "special bond."
Dee: Oh, geez. Thank the GODS I no longer care.
Gaeta (throwing an arm around her): Smart girl!
Dee (smiling): Thanks, Felix.
Hoshi (glaring suspiciously at Dee): Hey, Gaeta, about those drinks later -
Gaeta: Don’t you worry, hon, there’s enough of the Big G to go ‘round!
Hoshi: Well…okay. As long as I can keep watching Capt. Bootyshake for a bit.
Gaeta: Oh, don't worry. I wouldn't dream of missing this.
Kara (pushing her way forward): Lee, get down from there!
Lee: No, not unless you get up and do it too.
Crowd: WOOOO!
Kara: Oh no, no way!
Lee: Aw, c’mon! What, are you afraid?
Kara (scowling): No-!
Crowd: STAR-BUCK, STAR-BUCK!
Dee: This is so frakked up, it’s actually amusing.
Gaeta (leaning in close): And I know something that will make it all even better.
Dee: What?
Gaeta: I’ve been taping this on the security feed all along.
Dee (breathlessly): No!
Gaeta: And we’re going to make a killing with it on the black market.
Dee: Felix - I love you.
Gaeta: Dee - I know.
(They kiss; the show goes on)
Lee: As my last act as interim president, I hereby declare this officially: Naked Time! Come on, Kara!
Kara: I dunno, Lee, it all turned out so badly on New Caprica. All this has happened before -
Lee: But it doesn’t have to happen again.
Crowd: STRIP! STRIP! STRIP! STRIP!
Lee: MY NAME - IS LEE - ADAMA -
Kara: Not again!
Lee: AND I LOOOOOVE - NAKED TIIIIIME!
Kara: Ah, frak it. Make some room up there, Apollo - I mean, ‘Captain Democracy.’ You call this a floorshow? I’ll show you how it’s done.
Lee (grinning): About time. Everybody now! Listen! Call the damn toasters, too. We’re going to strip for Earth. Humans and Cylons. Together.
Crowd (with wild applause): SO SAY WE ALL!
(montage of beaming faces and celebration in the crowd)
(Articles of clothing fly through the air)
***fade to black, with bagpipes***
____
Author's note: I couldn't use it in this post because I realized it was spoilery (damn) but look at the icon wisteria_ made!
And she says it's shareable!
PS, I firmly believe that that suit had tearaway pants the whole time.