Q&A - Only one lover
Smutrocket: I've always kind of wondered.. please don't be insulted.. but for someone so open-minded and experimental about sex, how did it come to be that you've only slept with one person? I know that may sound really dumb, please just humor my curiosity.
It's not dumb. I'm very different from most people in a lot of ways, I know that. I don't think I've ever known a sexually active person my age or older who has only slept with one person. Blinkandmissit and I definitely seem to be in a minority there.
The easy explanation is that I fell in love with him and became monogamous with him before I had opportunities with other people, but that's not all there is to it. I did have opportunities, I could have created opportunities. We pretty much have to go back to when I was thirteen for a proper explanation.
At thirteen, I started being medicated for a life long illness. Nothing life threatening, mostly just a major cause of stress. The medication helped a lot, I was drastically better, but it had side effects, one of which is that it completely stopped my libido from functioning. I had absolutely no interest in sex.
This had several interesting effects itself: 1) I never learned to properly masturbate until years and years later. I do recall humping things before that point, and having sexual fantasies from about grade 4 (age 8?), but the years without a libido very much disrupted my development in that area. 2) I had no sexual interest in men, but I did want relationships in certain ways, and started thinking a lot more about women. I think I believed sex with women would be snuggly and gentle and comprised mostly of kissing and groping and humping. Very non threatening. So I categorized myself as gay and developed crushes on girls I knew.
At fifteen I met Blink and we became very close. We told each other everything, and spent all our free time together. When I switched medications at sixteen, all of a sudden my libido came back full force, and I spent a very frustrating week desperate to get off and unable to figure out how to do it myself. Blink and I had a sleep over, and we were together sexually for the first time. It started slowly, with him rubbing my tummy, and ended up with him masturbating me and me watching him masturbate. It was fantastic, and to this day I consider it my first time.
I gradually taught myself to masturbate to orgasm over the next year or two, but it took much longer to figure out that I really do like men. For a long time I thought I was a lesbian who accidentally fell in love with a man. But no, other men are attractive now.
Anyway, Blink and I were very experimental and open to new things. We were too young to buy a dildo so we used candles; we were too young to buy porn so we found it online, with all the eccentricities that made available: orgies, rape, bondage, pee play. And all the time we avoided having "real sex," because we didn't want to risk pregnancy. There was lots of mutual masturbation and humping.
At one point I met a girl, we'll call her Clock Girl, who was interested in me, and I was interested back. She was butch, with very short hair and baggy sweaters. She was an excellent singer, (although she liked country, which I hated at the time,) and had a sense a quiet mystery. She hardly spoke the first time I was introduced to her. When I went to the room she was renting, I found it covered in writings and drawings she had made, and filled with clocks. Dozens of clocks, all ticking very slightly out of sync with each other, although some were digital, and flashing. She said it helped calm her down. The more clocks there are, the more chance she has of knowing the absolute correct time.
She caused one of the great discoveries of my life: I am willing to reject someone I'm interested in physically for the sake of preserving my relationship with Blink. The whole experience was very stressful. I had never had to choose between two people before. But I knew I would never be happy in a real relationship with someone whose conversations all surrounded past disappointments, and failures, and therapy. Oddly enough, she had the same inability to masturbate as I had had before meeting her. She said she'd been dependent on her ex-girlfriend for that. String Along, the same ex-girlfriend from the following gay dance story: She had waited for Clock Girl to put on a button that said she was involved and not looking to hook up, and then String Along had put a button on herself that said she was single. She had flirted all night and Clock Girl had spent the whole dance alone.
I felt guilty for turning her down, because she'd had things so hard, but I was fairly certain I was doing the right thing. Anyway it would be worse to use her just to experiment and then leave her. She was difficult to get a hold of because the woman she was renting from was rude on the phone and wouldn't leave messages. We soon lost touch.
So I've always been monogamous, back then because I wanted to be, and more recently because I'm either too shy to hit on someone, or I hit on the wrong person. I have a friend, who I'll call Princess, who calls herself gay but keeps sleeping with men. She's thin and outgoing and wears poofy dresses and dances and sings in public. She loves princesses and Sailor Moon and shiny colorful things. She hosts pot lucks and wine and cheese parties.
She has often complained to me about how she doesn't want or like sex, she can't wait for it to be over, but she likes using it to have control over her various boyfriends. She also thinks she likes girls, she thinks being with a girl would be so nice and gentle, but she never looks at girls unless she reminds herself to. She has often said "Oh, look at that guy! He has long hair and a guitar and... oh wait, I like girls." It seems so much like I was when I was on that first medication, except that she's not being medicated.
To make a long story... a little shorter, one of the main reasons I'm so open minded about sex is because of Blink, and there are many reasons I haven't slept with anyone else, not the least of which is that I didn't even want sex for a long time. I hope this answers the question. =)
(Apologies to smutrocket for the nickname idea. Actually, now I want to give Jane a nickname too. But that could take a whole other post.)
It's not dumb. I'm very different from most people in a lot of ways, I know that. I don't think I've ever known a sexually active person my age or older who has only slept with one person. Blinkandmissit and I definitely seem to be in a minority there.
The easy explanation is that I fell in love with him and became monogamous with him before I had opportunities with other people, but that's not all there is to it. I did have opportunities, I could have created opportunities. We pretty much have to go back to when I was thirteen for a proper explanation.
At thirteen, I started being medicated for a life long illness. Nothing life threatening, mostly just a major cause of stress. The medication helped a lot, I was drastically better, but it had side effects, one of which is that it completely stopped my libido from functioning. I had absolutely no interest in sex.
This had several interesting effects itself: 1) I never learned to properly masturbate until years and years later. I do recall humping things before that point, and having sexual fantasies from about grade 4 (age 8?), but the years without a libido very much disrupted my development in that area. 2) I had no sexual interest in men, but I did want relationships in certain ways, and started thinking a lot more about women. I think I believed sex with women would be snuggly and gentle and comprised mostly of kissing and groping and humping. Very non threatening. So I categorized myself as gay and developed crushes on girls I knew.
At fifteen I met Blink and we became very close. We told each other everything, and spent all our free time together. When I switched medications at sixteen, all of a sudden my libido came back full force, and I spent a very frustrating week desperate to get off and unable to figure out how to do it myself. Blink and I had a sleep over, and we were together sexually for the first time. It started slowly, with him rubbing my tummy, and ended up with him masturbating me and me watching him masturbate. It was fantastic, and to this day I consider it my first time.
I gradually taught myself to masturbate to orgasm over the next year or two, but it took much longer to figure out that I really do like men. For a long time I thought I was a lesbian who accidentally fell in love with a man. But no, other men are attractive now.
Anyway, Blink and I were very experimental and open to new things. We were too young to buy a dildo so we used candles; we were too young to buy porn so we found it online, with all the eccentricities that made available: orgies, rape, bondage, pee play. And all the time we avoided having "real sex," because we didn't want to risk pregnancy. There was lots of mutual masturbation and humping.
At one point I met a girl, we'll call her Clock Girl, who was interested in me, and I was interested back. She was butch, with very short hair and baggy sweaters. She was an excellent singer, (although she liked country, which I hated at the time,) and had a sense a quiet mystery. She hardly spoke the first time I was introduced to her. When I went to the room she was renting, I found it covered in writings and drawings she had made, and filled with clocks. Dozens of clocks, all ticking very slightly out of sync with each other, although some were digital, and flashing. She said it helped calm her down. The more clocks there are, the more chance she has of knowing the absolute correct time.
She caused one of the great discoveries of my life: I am willing to reject someone I'm interested in physically for the sake of preserving my relationship with Blink. The whole experience was very stressful. I had never had to choose between two people before. But I knew I would never be happy in a real relationship with someone whose conversations all surrounded past disappointments, and failures, and therapy. Oddly enough, she had the same inability to masturbate as I had had before meeting her. She said she'd been dependent on her ex-girlfriend for that. String Along, the same ex-girlfriend from the following gay dance story: She had waited for Clock Girl to put on a button that said she was involved and not looking to hook up, and then String Along had put a button on herself that said she was single. She had flirted all night and Clock Girl had spent the whole dance alone.
I felt guilty for turning her down, because she'd had things so hard, but I was fairly certain I was doing the right thing. Anyway it would be worse to use her just to experiment and then leave her. She was difficult to get a hold of because the woman she was renting from was rude on the phone and wouldn't leave messages. We soon lost touch.
So I've always been monogamous, back then because I wanted to be, and more recently because I'm either too shy to hit on someone, or I hit on the wrong person. I have a friend, who I'll call Princess, who calls herself gay but keeps sleeping with men. She's thin and outgoing and wears poofy dresses and dances and sings in public. She loves princesses and Sailor Moon and shiny colorful things. She hosts pot lucks and wine and cheese parties.
She has often complained to me about how she doesn't want or like sex, she can't wait for it to be over, but she likes using it to have control over her various boyfriends. She also thinks she likes girls, she thinks being with a girl would be so nice and gentle, but she never looks at girls unless she reminds herself to. She has often said "Oh, look at that guy! He has long hair and a guitar and... oh wait, I like girls." It seems so much like I was when I was on that first medication, except that she's not being medicated.
To make a long story... a little shorter, one of the main reasons I'm so open minded about sex is because of Blink, and there are many reasons I haven't slept with anyone else, not the least of which is that I didn't even want sex for a long time. I hope this answers the question. =)
(Apologies to smutrocket for the nickname idea. Actually, now I want to give Jane a nickname too. But that could take a whole other post.)