(no subject)
I weighed myself today for the first time in almost 2 years. I knew the numbers before they even appeared
but I did it anyways, to make myself suffer, to make myself cry.
I watched them rise up from the darkness of the small screen and then I stepped off the scale, naked and numb.
Shocked. Saddened. Tired.
And at first it almost didn't seem to matter, I thought I can handle this, its not as though the world is ending, so I'm 130.5 lbs.
130.5 lbs.
130.5 lbs
130.5 lbs
So Im bigger than I have ever been in my entire life.
So I now have a BMI of 19.2.
So fucking what?
But the numbers echoed in my head.
Over and over and over.
I can't shake it.
I can't let it go.
Because this only confirms what I have suspected for days and weeks.
I knew I was bigger, I could see it in my thighs, my breasts, the slow loss of my ribs and the final dissapearence of my hip bones. I could see it everywhere.
I knew I had gained more weight.
And I had to confirm it.
So I could torture myself.
So I could use it as a weapon against myself.
So I can end up sitting here at my desk and cry and tell myself how awful I am.
Because lately thats exactly how I feel.
AWFUL.
Thats basically what ruined everything on Valentines Day weeked.
I hate myself.
I hate the way I look.
I hate who I am and what I see.
I feel like I dont deserve Beaux.
I feel like he needs someone who is everything I am not and everything he is: beautiful, in shape, motivated, not emotional, unjealous, self-satisfied.
I see how people look at him in wonderment and lust and then I wonder why in the hell he is with me.
Why would he want to be with a fat, selfish, hypocritical, jealous bitch of a girlfriend who cant stop crying when she gets on the phone with him?
I wonder why anyone would want to love me, want to be with me, find me the slightest bit attractive.
I feel like I am slipping and I am so scared...I am terrified I'm really going to lose him and everything we stand for. I feel like he's sand slipping between my fingers and I cant close my fingers, I cant close my hands.
I am driving him away with my insecurities and my tears and my irrational needs and I dont know how to stop.
How can I stop when I feel so horrible about how I look and nothing he or anyone else says makes me feel better?
Sometimes I think we should just take a break because he doesnt deserve to put up with my bullshit.
Because I am afraid of losing him anyways and I dont want him to hurt and leave me first.
Because I am terrified, plain and simple.
I was doing so well and suddenly my depression is creeping back, slowly sinking, filtering, and stripping me and my heart.
I think I need to up my medication again.
I think I need to start realizing how insecure I am still.
I think I need to see how irrational my jelaousy is.
God I cant even tell you how scared I am right now.
I wish I could just crawl into bed and never come out and never eat and never have to look in the mirror again.
But that's not how life works.