Control
Title: Control
Author: DMH/LittleTayy
Rating: Teen
Pairing/Character: Regina Mills, Emma Swan, Henry Mills
Summary: As her control slips, Regina reverts back to an old but harmful coping mechanism.
WARNING: This fanfiction contains graphic depictions of eating disorders; mentions of anorexia and bulimia. If you are recovering from or dealing with an eating disorder, this fanfiction may be triggering. Please be warned and read at your own risk. Thank you.
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Control
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Regina smiled as she flushed the toilet, feeling calm and in control. The sensation of purging and ridding herself of the day’s meals makes her feel in control. She had decided what to put in her body and what was to come out and as sick as it was, this routine provided her with the only bit of control she had left.
The habit was one she'd acquired as an adolescent when her mothers forceful and abusive nature controlled every aspect of her life. She'd continued it on throughout her long, dismal marriage to Leopold where she still was without control. When her magic and powers had grown and she'd started studying the magic arts she'd given up the habit; if only to temporarily gain strength.
It wasn't until Leopold was finally dead and she'd started on her path to vengeance that she'd truly relinquished the habit. In control as the Queen, she had no need for the dangerous, control giving habit and promptly closed the chapter on that part of her life. Until now of course, where her control over everything had slipped and she was spiralling out of control.
She had slipped back into the eat and purge routine shortly after Emma Swan took office as the new sheriff. That had been a major stressor, the first thing in just over 28 years to seriously be out of her control. The feeling of not being in control had sent her into a panic stricken frenzy and the only way to deal with it was to revert back to her calming mechanism; restricting and purging.
It was a dangerous habit for her health and her body but it calmed her and gave her the sense of control which she lacked within the rest of her life. She didn't exactly like having to starve herself and purge but it was the only way she knew how to get back her sense of control. It was a compulsion, one she just couldn't ignore and as things become even for uncontrollable the compulsion got stronger and stronger.
Walking into her room she stood in front of her full length mirror and stripped herself of her clothes. Looking at herself she could not help but notice the ridiculous amount of weight she'd lost, knowing her clothes now hung off her frame. Her arms and legs were thin and so was her stomach, in fact she was so bony now her hip bones has started to strain against her skin. She wondered how much longer she could get away with this before she'd have to hide the dangerous amount of weight loss.
Staring at her tiny reflection it took her back to a time and place long gone where her father had once caught her purging. She had been so ashamed that her father had caught her and she couldn't explain what had made her throw up her meals. He had taken her in his arms then and had gasped in horror at how small she had become. He had watched her closely after that and had begun to force feed her in private when he knew she would purge her meals with Snow or Leopold.
Her husband had taken no notice but Snow had known something was wrong. The young girl had asked about it but just saying she was sick had been a convincing enough lie for the pale brunette. It had hardly mattered though because soon after Leopold was dead and Snow was a fugitive and the control she'd had over the Kingdom had been enough to break her nasty coping mechanism.
Standing for too long had caused a wave of dizziness to wash over her and she quickly closed her eyes, breathing through the odd sensation. Once the dizziness had passed she slowly made her way over to her bed and sat cowboy tiredly in only her bra and underwear. She knew she should probably change into her night gown but exhaustion seeped through her body and she pulled back the covers, lying down in bed without fuss.
She slept somewhat peacefully despite the temperature lowering causing the ex-Queen to shiver. While she slept she dreamt of only one dream, the same recurring dream she'd had for over 28 years. The dream was always of her and Daniel succeeding in running off together and what their life would have been like had her evil mother not crushed his heart to dust.