WHO: Padma and Theodore
WHERE: Birmingham and then Cornwall
WHAT: A conversation, a confrontation, and then, perhaps, a resolution.
WHEN: December 24th, morning
RATING: PG
STATUS: COMPLETED LOG.
Padma: With her chess set under her arm and her parents beliveing that she was dashing out to town for some last minute Christmas shopping, Padma hurried across the streets to find Theodore. She wanted to be there before him, so that he didn't get accosted by some Muggles. This was already an incredibly uncomfortable meeting, and she didn't need it to be any worse.
Padma was still in slight shock that she had been so open with him, and even more shocked that he had been open with her. While this could have meant wonderful things for their relationship (not that they actually had one), his honesty had run along the lines of 'I don't want to be with you right now.' Padma wasn't sure how to take it, but she was sure that she needed to be around him again.
Theodore: Theodore had managed to find the library alright, but, as he stood outside it, looking at the Muggles walk by and bundling his jumper against his arms (he didn’t own one of these… marshmallow-type things that the Muggles were wearing to keep themselves warm, only a good winter cloak), he felt extremely nervous. Right now, he was nervous because he was surrounded by Muggles. Theodore had never met a Muggle before. He had seen them, of course, wandering around in King’s Cross and outside the Leaky Cauldron, but he’d never spoken to one, and he was hoping that one of them wouldn’t randomly come up and start talking to him. What would he say if one of them did?
He was also nervous because he was going to be seeing Padma, and the two of them hadn’t spoken a word to each other - except over journals - in two months. And that journal conversation hadn’t exactly been pleasant. What’s more, writing back and forth in a book allowed him to think about his responses more than a face-to-face conversation did. As he saw her approaching, he tried to act natural, and was glad that “natural” for him was usually a little bit uncomfortable when dealing with people. He nodded to her, and said, simply, “Hello.” Normally he would’ve thought of a witty response, but his nervousness was canceling out any witticisms.
Padma: She was relieved to see Theodore, and started walking straight towards him. Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest, but the fact that he was there made her feel confident, and she strode toward him, smiling brightly. Padma had spent an extravagant amount of time perfecting her appearance that morning, and had chosen her clothing just as carefully. She assumed that he would notice. She wanted him to notice. Padma came closer to Theodore and gently put her hand on his arm as a way of greeting him, daring herself to.
He had said that there'd be no point at Hogwarts, and Padma had even admitted that it would be weird to have a secret relationship at Hogwarts, but that didn't mean she wasn't willing to take advantage in any way she could now that they were outside the castle walls. She was almost a Slytherin, wasn't she?
"Hello," she said, smiling up at him. "Happy Christmas eve."
Theodore: He didn’t notice. Her appearance, that is. To Theodore, Padma looked much like the same old Padma, though since he didn’t see her out of her school robes very often so he wasn’t entirely sure of how she normally dressed. He did, notice, however, a particular buoyancy in her step which he found somewhat unusual, considering the circumstances. Looking down at her, he said, “What’s gotten into you today?” Realising this was rude, he added, “And Happy Christmas Eve, to you too, I suppose.”
Padma: She could have been annoyed at his comment, but she didn't. "I'm determined to have a wonderful day," she told him. She was partially determined to get him to re-think most of what he had said.
She pressed her fingers down gently on his arm and inclined her head to the library, staring at the huge building and all the Muggles milling in and out of it. She knew that she should be able to handle this, and that Anthony would be upset with her if she didn't, and so she took a step forward, her hand still on Theodore's arm. "Ready to go in?" she asked.
Theodore: Though the real answer to Padma’s question was a resounding “NO!” Theodore swallowed his protests and nodded his head. “It’s cold outside,” he replied simply, though in his mind, he was having a mild panic attack at the idea of going inside a Muggle building. King’s Cross was different, once he pushed his way past all the Muggles, he would be safely on Platform 9 ¾ and surrounded by wizards, but there was no comforting wizard presence on the other side… just… Muggles. Muggles! Theodore didn’t like Muggles. What if one of them talked to him?
He didn’t tell say any of this to Padma, of course. Amongst his fellow Slytherins, he easily could’ve admitted that Muggles made him nervous (to put it mildly) and he didn’t like them or want anything to do with them. But he had a feeling that this would be answered with something like, “Oh, come on, they’re just like us!” from Padma. So instead, he asked, evenly, “Do you come here often, then?”
Padma: She stared at the building, and then at Theodore. Padma felt just as uncomfortable around Muggles but she had to pretend not to for the most part. She felt fine around Anthony's mother, but not around any other Muggle's.
"...No," she admitted slowly. "I came here once, with Anthony. I just couldn't think of anywhere else to meet." She shivered under her jumper, reaching to find her wand to try and warm her hands. "And it's very cold outside," her teeth chattered slightly at those last words and she leaned against him, as though to selfishly drain some of the heat out of him, and mumbled a charm under her breath.
"Ow!" she said. It was difficult to do a warm-up charm properly under a cloak, and she'd burned herself slightly. Padma hardly managed to get her wand back in her pocket and she drew her hands out, making a face at the red mark on her hand.
Theodore: Theodore stared at her hand for a moment, and then instinctively reached for his wand in his pocket, to cast a healing charm. Halfway through pulling it out, he realized that there was a Muggle walking towards them and he couldn’t perform any magic. It was a weird feeling - he’d never had to censor himself before. Grimacing, he rubbed his hands together. “Can we just go inside? If you’ve been in before, you know what’s inside there and… how to get in and all of that. Do we just walk inside?” Maybe it would be a better idea to just go back to his estate. As long as she didn’t want to have any in-depth discussions on the status of their “relationship,” or snog, they would be fine. His father couldn’t object to a game of chess with the Head Girl under the Carrows regime. “Perhaps we should just go to my home,” he added quickly.
Padma: Padma hid her hand in her cloak, feeling a bit out of place as he couldn't help her as well. She stared at the library, and then at him, and considered going forward. This would be a growing experience for both of them, she told herself. But, all the same, when she tried to step forward she stopped and slowly nodded at Theodore's words.
"Let's just go to your home," she agreed. "I don't really want to be around Muggles today." She was so glad he was offering.
Theodore: “Okay,” Theodore said, looking around at the Muggles walking down the street. There weren’t that many of them, seeing as it was Christmas Eve, but they walked by and into the library frequently enough to make him nervous they would notice that he and Padma were wizards. Cautiously, he took her by the arm and pulled her along to the side of the building, in between the library and the next building. Confident now that there was no one watching, he pulled out his wand.
“You know where to Apparate to, right?” he asked, twirling his wand between his fingers. It felt good to have it out in the open. “Of course you do. You were there last summer. I’ll see you in a minute.” With that, he waved his wand and disappeared with a soft pop.
Padma: Padma moved easily as he led her, not having any problem getting close to him. She stepped even closer than she needed to at first before taking a quick step back and lifting her wand out. Her hand was still hurt but she cast her own healing charm once Theodore was gone. She took a deep breath, adjusted her cloak, and then apparated to his house.
Theodore: There was no sign of Theodore’s father at the Nott Estate, which was a relief, as he hadn’t particularly been looking forward to introducing Padma to him if it had been necessary. He was probably at the Malfoy Manor, and for once, Theodore was perfectly alright with that. Seeing Padma’s arrival, Theodore got up from the chair that he had been waiting in. “Let’s go to my bedroom, why don’t we?” This was more of a statement than a suggestion, though, and he took her hand at the wrist and led her upstairs. “Less likely to be interrupted.”
Padma had been to his home before, only once, for a game of chess the previous summer. She hadn’t gone to his bedroom because, at the time, that had seemed like something very intimate, though right now, Theodore felt as though they were past that sort of a worry. The room was pristine, as Theodore was somewhat compulsive about neatness and decorated in navy. Not acknowledging that there was anything unusual about her being in his bedroom, he sat down on the large bed in the center of the room and pushed a book sitting upon on it out of his way.
Padma: She was, of course, blushing slightly as he led her up to his room. She didn't assume that he intended to do something dirty or rash, but all the same, a room was such a private place. She took a deep breath and followed him up, her eyes glued to his hand on her wrist.
Padma was also glad that his father wasn't around. While she had known that Theodore's father was a death eater, it was one thing to know and another to actually meet him and say hello. How could she do that now? She knew that Anthony was going to flip out if he knew that she was at Theodore's house partially because she would be that close to Death Eaters. What if You-Know-Who actually came by? That thought made her shiver, even though they were now out of the cold.
She moved into his room, and sat down on the bed next to him. She scanned the room and wore a smile as she took in the detailed cleanliness of it all. "It's nice," she said, unsure of what else to say.
Theodore: It’s just a room.” Theodore shrugged, scooting back on his bed and crossing his legs. If he had known she was contemplating You-Know-Who showing up in his house, he would’ve been somewhat offended. He didn’t know if the Dark Lord had ever paid a personal visit. When Death Eater-type activities were going on, he tended to be told to stay in his room and be quiet. Not, of course, that he was going to tell Padma that. “So, are we going to play, then?”
Padma: "If you like," Padma said. She put her chess set down on the bed behind him, looking up at him. "I don't mind. I just wanted to spend some time with you, finally," she said. It wasn't easy being honest, but after he had opened up to her, and then she had upset him with being so careless, she wanted to do the right thing. Padma took a deep breath and considered just kissing him anyway, but she didn't.
"And I was wondering," she said slowly, "If you still feel that way, that being around me brings up unhappy thoughts." She crossed and uncrossed her ankles as she sat there, her now healed hand slipping right next to his, so that their fingers were almost touching.
Theodore: Theodore had a feeling that chess was just a ruse - it had been before, hadn’t it? But then, it had been a ruse to disguise idle banter, and now it was a ruse to disguise - he didn’t know what it was disguising. In silence, he contemplated her question for a while. If anyone else had been silent that long, it might’ve been uncomfortable, but this silence wasn’t, really. It was only still.
“Not as much,” he said blandly, knowing that he had said more powerful words through his quill the previous night. It was much more difficult to be honest in person, when he was looking at her. “Then again, I’ve only been with you for a few minutes.”
Padma: "I'm glad that I don't make you feel bad, yet," she said. She turned her body to him slightly, wondering if he would take advantage of the situation she was offering. It would make everything so much more simpler. "I would rather you enjoy spending time with me," she said. Padma slipped some of her fingers on top of his, and leaned a little closer.
Theodore: Theodore looked at Padma’s body turned towards him. He looked down at her hands on top of his. He looked at her face, which was altogether too close to his for comfort. And he began to panic. Not outwardly - outwardly his face remained calm. But he knew what she wanted and the idea terrified him. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to kiss her. He did, in theory. He found her attractive. He liked her personality. But there was lots of touching involved in kissing, and… He had to ease himself back into the idea.
“Yes,” was the only thing that he managed to say, though he did scoot away from her, as subtly as possible, though he was quite sure she would notice, say something about it, and they would be in another argument.
Padma: Her face fell a bit and she looked down at her hand, noticing that he had scooted away from her. She looked up at him again, her face not nearly as pleasant as it had been a few moments ago. "I don't believe what you said," she said, her voice tinged with bitterness. "Don't you ever accuse me of not trying to kiss you last time. At least I try." She turned her face away, scowling. She was opening the door, why wasn't he walking in? "Even Anthony took the chance when he could." She said that without thinking, and her other hand slowly made it's way up to cover her mouth.
Theodore: More silence. This time, the silence was stunned, rather than still, as Theodore processed the words “Even Anthony took the chance to kiss me when he could.” The silence became even longer as he waited to respond until he knew the words would come out clearly, but still, when he spoke, he sputtered a bit. “You… Goldstein what?” He tried not to put too much emphasis on this question, or the fact that he was having trouble forming coherent sentences.
Theodore began to realize, as he sat there staring at her, that he had assumed that, if she fancied him, she wouldn’t snog anyone else. That all the rumours about her and Goldstein were just… rumours. And, frankly, that if she was going to let someone else kiss her, she would at least choose someone he didn’t detest.
Padma: She slowly turned and looked at him, astonished that he had sputtered. Theodore never sputtered. "We snogged." She said, studying his face and trying to gauge if she had just made the worst mistake in her life by telling him, or if this might possibly work to his advantage. "We were sitting together, we were just joking around, and then we snogged." She folded her arms over her chest. "We snogged."
Theodore: “Okay!” Theodore replied, his voice rising in decibel ever so slightly. “Okay, I understood you the first time. You…” His voice trailed off, and when he finally mustered the last of the sentence, he sounded disgusted. “Snogged.” The mental image of her kissing Goldstein made him want to shutter. Or break things. There was a mirror over dresser that looked like a prime target. Or maybe her chess set.
Theodore had never really believed that Padma and Anthony’s relationship was romantic, in part because he thought highly of her taste and in part because she had always said that they were merely platonic. He stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets so that they wouldn’t go out of control and start smashing things. What’s more, the two of them were capable of a physical intimacy, even as friends, which he wasn’t.
Padma: She stopped, her hand resting against one of her shoulders as she watching him standing in front of her with his hands in his pockets. Padma fought to not smile-- not because she was especially happy, but because she didn't trust herself to keep a straight face in this moment of high energy.
"Yes," she said slowly. "We did." She swallowed. "Are you--?" She wanted to ask if he was all right, but she couldn't quite get the words out.
Theodore: “When?” He demanded, and then continued. “Where? How many times? Merlin, why?” Theodore was fighting to keep his emotions under control, namely anger, betrayal, and a strong dash of jealousy. How could she snog Goldstein? They were just supposed to be friends. He was annoying. Besides, she said so herself that she fancied him! Even though he hadn’t kissed her just now, he hadn’t gone out and kissed anyone else.
Padma: She lifted her chin up high, her back straight as she stared at him and answered his questions. "Three days ago," she said. "Just once. And because I wanted to be snogged and you wouldn't even look at me." She had snogged Anthony the night before she wrote to Theodore. Snogging Anthony had been one of the reasons why she knew she needed to write to Theodore. Padma's hands were shaking a bit but she tried to hide that as best she could, as it completely defeated the 'in control' look she was aiming for. "And why not?"
Theodore: Theodore was resisting a strong urge to find out where Anthony Goldstein lived, track him down, and kill him. Or, at the very least, perform a few well-aimed hexes that would cause permanent damage, preferably to his stupid mouth and tongue, which had probably been stuck in Padma’s mouth. For a moment, he wondered how long his saliva could linger there, but the thought disgusted him and he pushed it away. Finally, he said in a strangled voice, “Why not? Because! You fancy me!”
Padma: "What does that matter?" she said. "You said you fancy me but you don't even do anything about it except ignore me. You didn't even talk to me after we kissed. You completely ignored me and now you say that you don't even like to be around me. So I should just sit and wait to be snogged? Wait and see if you still fancy me in a year? I can't even trust that you fancy me now." She stood up, her hands on her hips, even if she was considerably shorter than Theodore. "I have needs," she said, before realizing how completely ridiculous that sounded. Although she was cringing inwardly, she tried to keep a smooth face. "And you don't care about them--or me."
Theodore: Theodore had been mentally preparing himself to address her accusations as rationally as possible. He had run out of excuses besides the truth - that he was clueless to the subject of intimacy. That being close to people both physically and emotionally made him nervous. But the phrase “I have needs” within the context of this conversation returned him to sputtering. “Needs?” He screeched. “Goldstein met your needs?” He made a loud noise of disgust.
Padma: Padma had always said that Theodore had passion. She had always been sure of it, that despite his calm demeanor and lack of obvious emotion, that there was more deep down inside of him. Although this situation wasn't perfect, although she had been more interested in seeing him passionate instead of raging, she was, on the whole, quite happy.
"I would have rather you met them." She said, lifting her chin up again. "But if you're going to give me a list of all the reasons why you wont instead of taking an opportunity I don't really see why you should expect me to wait." She took a step closer to him. "I told you I wanted to snog you."
Theodore: As she stepped towards him, Theodore realized that he had been raising his voice and cleared his throat. He stepped closer to her, so that he could put his hands on her waist, a bit possessively. His temper evening slightly, having been pacified by her admission she would’ve rathered been snogging him, he admitted in a much more reasonable tone of voice, “Closeness makes me uncomfortable.”
He contemplated apologizing for this, but decided not to. “I’m not touchy-feely like he is. I don’t know how to do - this whole extravaganza. I need to… ease myself into it.” These admissions made him feel naked. He swallowed, afraid of what she was going to say in response.
Padma: She relaxed as he put his hands on her waist, glad that he wasn't repulsed by her. She had been worried that, as he raged on and on about Anthony. She put her own hands on his waist, taking half a step closer.
"I know you aren't like he is," she said. "If you were exactly like him, or he exactly like you, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Obviously I like that you aren't just like him." Padma took a deep breath. She was slightly touched that he was admitting such personal things, and the thumb on her left hand rubbed against his shirt gently.
"I'm not asking you to--" she paused, unable to even say it. "Is it really hard for you to even snog me? Or at least actually kiss me?"
Theodore: “Well, I can hardly kiss you right now,” Theodore said, feeling as though yelling at her and then snogging her would be… too many emotions at once. He had heard of the concept of “make up sex” and while there was absolutely no way that he was going to have “make up sex” with her - the mere idea made him want to throw himself under his bed and hide - he supposed that it could be construed as a “make up snog.”
Padma: "What?" She said. "Why can't you kiss me now?" Her eyebrows lowered and instead of gently rubbing at his side with her thumb, she dug it into him without thinking. "What could possibly be stopping you? I'm here, we're alone, and you know that I want you to." She looked away from him, feeling frustrated and upset that after she felt like they had come so far they were suddenly almost right back to where they started.
Theodore: Wrinkling his nose in discomfort, he pushed her hand away from his side. “That hurt,” he told her, looking down at her. He was feeling frustrated as well. She didn’t seem to ever understand what he was trying to say unless he was one hundred percent honest and open with her, and Theodore wasn’t one hundred percent honest and open with anyone on a regular basis. “We just argued,” he explained. “A snog doesn’t seem like a very good follow up.”
Padma: "I'm sorry," she said, only sounding half sorry, though she fully meant it. She took a step back from him, moving so that his hands were no longer on her waist. "I think that a snog is the right sort of follow-up when you're arguing about how someone won't snog you." She turned away from him, her hands balling into two fists. She wanted him to make her believe that he actually cared, and here he was refusing to move forward.
Theodore: Padma was being very stubborn about this. For Theodore, it was only snogging. Something that people did to amuse themselves because their hormones were raging. Her company was far more important to him than snogging her. While he did want to snog her, he didn’t think it would be the end of the world if he didn’t. Swallowing a sigh, he shook his head and took her hands in his - this felt weird - and told her, “Fine, maybe we should just snog.” Having said that, he leaned down and kissed her.
Padma: She was being stubborn and, of course, her hormones were raging. She allowed him to take one of his hands but the other went to grip onto his shoulder, holding onto him as she kissed him back, certain to show him that she absolutely was kissing him this time. She squeezed his hand and balanced herself carefully on the balls of her feet as she kissed him.