Signs

[discipleofchaos]

I'm given this rather distinct feeling almost on a daily basis that I should just cut my throat open with a piece of broken glass and get it over with. I had the same feeling early in high school, it never really went away, and so far I VERY much might as well have. By the time i'm 35 I'm really going to wish I just went ahead and did that. And

Comments

[deluin]

You know, despite the fact I've known you for what is now like five or six years (right? At least since we started hanging out its been 5 or 6 years) we never really discuss this. We have a lot in common on this end than I think you realize, and that is one of the reasons we've always gotten along so well, despite the fact we're kind of a mismatch upon first glance

[discipleofchaos]

That's all true. And I can, and have handled that with normal difficulty and parameters for a long time. The part that continues and never really lets up even for a moment still after 20 some odd years, making me crazy, is this constant super fight for just any little speck of luck. To have SOMETHING go my way that would be expected to, might, or probably should. Instead of fighting to get to a point where I should have no reason not to think everything is going to be fine, only to have the most unlikly and bizarre thing happen instead to pull the rug from under me. Reapeatedly to a rediculous, impossible amount. And that's when things were looking fine. So in turn if things would need a push there's no bother to even hope over it. Constantly getting screwed by the impossible and a complete lack of any upswing to counter that fact. That's why I can't imagine that it's not something about me to have this deliberate cloud raining on my head. Spirit gremlins or something. The social insecurity issues are therefore caused by

[gothica]

I know how ya feel at times hon. Hence the reason I grew up Goth...lol

You're actually surrounded by people who understand totally where you're coming from on this.. but if you really need a change of scenery you can always come visit me :)

*HUG*

[discipleofchaos]

It'd be nice but I couldn't even afford the extra pair of shoes it would take to walk there. lol I would really like, if I could, to either go west for awhile. I've never been far off this east coast in any of my limited travels. Or I'd be ok with just going a lot farther east instead. Somewhere where things are pretty laid back like Holland of course, or Australia. Le sigh.

[gothica]

I wouldn't mind getting to Holland myself...lol

(My Dad was born there...)

I know, one of us has to win the lottery and take the other on a trip :)

[discipleofchaos]

Ha. Good luck, to me at least, on that one I imagine. Or I'd win it but it'd be a small jackpot that miraculously 4 other people hit too and after taxes there wouldn't be much left.