Randomness...you can skip it...
I was kind of mum over the weekend. I know that I’m just starting to post again so bear with me.
For some reason I have gotten it into my head that I’m not dealing with things very well. I’m probably right on the money in how I’m feeling. I think the problem is that I’m just trying to get things back to normal and I know things are never going to be the same. It’s going to take a long time until I feel “normal” and I just have to accept that.
Everything has changed.
Television…
I used to watch television with Pat. I would tape some show like NCIS, Criminal Minds or even Supernatural. We would sit there and question why we were still watching the shows. There was a time when we used to enjoy watching them but there have been too many changes. Sadly, we both agreed that they had all ‘jumped the shark’ and maybe it was time to stop watching them. The day before he died we had been watching something and had almost decided to stop.
Ever since he died I cannot bring myself to watch any of those shows. I just keep racking up other shows in my DVR to watch. I’m going to watch the last season of Grimm. I spent last year getting Pat caught up on it. I’m going to watch Taboo which from the ads I think he would have liked. I am going to miss our talks about television.
This is an aside and has to do with all the fandoms I have been interested in over the years. So, I spent years(2001-2005approx) saving people’s stories to floppy discs. I had hundreds of discs. I have two computers which do not have a floppy disc drive. A couple of years ago I bought a floppy disc drive off of Ebay. A couple of weeks ago in my organizing I found the floppy disc drive and the discs. I have been transferring what I can and ditching the floppy discs.
I also found a bunch of cases of floppy discs in Pat’s closet. He was not into stories. He was into movie images. He loved to get stills of movies, posters, old comic books or old paperback covers. He liked to collect publicity stills. I tried to transfer a lot of them but about a third of the images were corrupted. I did salvage a lot of his collection. To tell you the truth I think it matters more to me than it did to him. He had the discs on the shelf gathering dust since 2005 and most are easily gotten off the internet.
Why do I mention this? The whole experience has been kind of upsetting. I’m kind of reliving my past (sort of). I can see the dates and my progression through the various fandoms. I also get upset if a file is corrupted. I’m kind of beyond what ever fandom it was at the time but it’s just the thought of losing something.
Lastly, just because I seem to bouncing around, I think I chose the wrong hobby. My hobby is genealogy. In my present state of mind this has to be the most depressing hobby I could have been involved in. I’m basically researching dead people. People who I will never meet. People who become very real when I find pictures, stories or just review the bits of data they left behind. I probably would have given up the hobby for a while but through Ancestry.com and Pat’s dying I have reconnected with some cousins who have started their own quest.
Well…that was a slight mess of a post but then my mind keeps jumping around. I can tell you that everything leads back to him and I need time to regroup. It’s a healing process.
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