pretty much the opposite of Basil and Ilya's return posts
I was in the shower about a week ago when a college memory suddenly bubbled up into my consciousness. That memory, which I had long forgotten, somehow managed to capture much of what I'm feeling these days.
While no longer true, I very much, at that time, saw myself as a collection of my tastes and experiences. I very much loved my then girlfriend, and I felt she loved me, but one of my main struggles in that relationship was that she had little to no interest in film or music. And then of course extending those implications to the relationship itself. I was consistently trying to get her to watch Buffy with me or share a new album experience or drive up to the independent theater to see some new obscure excitement with little to no success.
Despite this lack of success, when one of my favorite musicians came to play a show at Vassar, I once again tried to convince my then girlfriend to accompany me. I can't remember the actual discussion at this point, but when I arrived at the show that night, I definitely wasn't expecting her to be there.
But there she was and with an open seat next to her! I arrived very close to show time, so all the seats were taken and only standing room was left. I walked up to her to say hello and take what I assumed was my seat only to discover that she was there with her friends. And that seat was saved for a friend who had gone to the restroom. She offered to stand with me, but I was too upset to want to be around her at that point.
I want to be clear here that this story by no means sums up our relationship. There were plenty of times when she chose me over friendship or other interests. What's important right now is how upsetting it was at the time and how this memory has somehow stuck with me over 8 years later.
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I've never felt unloved in my life. I've never felt like people didn't care for me. But I've always felt invisible in a way, that people forget about me as soon as I step out of the room. I'm not even sure if this should be important to me or if it's just a negative side affect of lack of attention as a child and the resulting low self-esteem.
To be clear again, I'm a very privileged person. I'm very lucky in my life, and I'm not trying to portray myself as in some sort of inescapably awful situation.
But I'm not doing so great in NYC. I could give a lot of reasons for this, but they don't follow any real logic. I could say that I'm isolated and feel unwanted, but within the last couple weeks, I received a very random text from someone I was barely friends with apologizing to me for being a jerk. I don't remember her being a jerk...at all? But there's never been a clearer sign that people do think about me and like me even when I'm not pushing myself on them.
My mom came to visit me last week, and we have a new plan in place for me, but since she left, I haven't done anything toward advancing that plan again.
I guess I don't really have an ending for this post. This is where I'm at now. Feel free to ask questions. I'm not the easiest person to be around right now, and I'm not super believing of people who are affectionate toward me.
While no longer true, I very much, at that time, saw myself as a collection of my tastes and experiences. I very much loved my then girlfriend, and I felt she loved me, but one of my main struggles in that relationship was that she had little to no interest in film or music. And then of course extending those implications to the relationship itself. I was consistently trying to get her to watch Buffy with me or share a new album experience or drive up to the independent theater to see some new obscure excitement with little to no success.
Despite this lack of success, when one of my favorite musicians came to play a show at Vassar, I once again tried to convince my then girlfriend to accompany me. I can't remember the actual discussion at this point, but when I arrived at the show that night, I definitely wasn't expecting her to be there.
But there she was and with an open seat next to her! I arrived very close to show time, so all the seats were taken and only standing room was left. I walked up to her to say hello and take what I assumed was my seat only to discover that she was there with her friends. And that seat was saved for a friend who had gone to the restroom. She offered to stand with me, but I was too upset to want to be around her at that point.
I want to be clear here that this story by no means sums up our relationship. There were plenty of times when she chose me over friendship or other interests. What's important right now is how upsetting it was at the time and how this memory has somehow stuck with me over 8 years later.
----------------
I've never felt unloved in my life. I've never felt like people didn't care for me. But I've always felt invisible in a way, that people forget about me as soon as I step out of the room. I'm not even sure if this should be important to me or if it's just a negative side affect of lack of attention as a child and the resulting low self-esteem.
To be clear again, I'm a very privileged person. I'm very lucky in my life, and I'm not trying to portray myself as in some sort of inescapably awful situation.
But I'm not doing so great in NYC. I could give a lot of reasons for this, but they don't follow any real logic. I could say that I'm isolated and feel unwanted, but within the last couple weeks, I received a very random text from someone I was barely friends with apologizing to me for being a jerk. I don't remember her being a jerk...at all? But there's never been a clearer sign that people do think about me and like me even when I'm not pushing myself on them.
My mom came to visit me last week, and we have a new plan in place for me, but since she left, I haven't done anything toward advancing that plan again.
I guess I don't really have an ending for this post. This is where I'm at now. Feel free to ask questions. I'm not the easiest person to be around right now, and I'm not super believing of people who are affectionate toward me.