See your back.
I have never told someone goodbye forever. I've never not wanted to hear from someone ever again, dismissed them permanently from my life with no possibility of reparation or discussion. I think it's only happened to me once before this time with H, and that was my mother. Everyone I've broken up with I've wanted to remain friends with, or at least fond acquaintances. I don't 86 people. It's hard to understand why someone would want to do that without any sort of heinous, purposeful crime of betrayal and spite. Say I was neglectful, not as responsive a friend as I could have been. I can admit that. Goodbye forever? Doesn't that seem harsh? Shouldn't there be at least a warning shot over the bow? Hey, you're hurting my feelings, can you try and do better or I'll have to stop thinking of you as a friend?
Squidz points out that we've known H historically to dump friends for perceived slights and betrayals we never fully understood. He says it was always going to happen with me, too, eventually, that I couldn't have prevented it. I know it's self-protection; the only way within control to ensure that someone can't hurt you again. I guess it always hurts me more to sever ties than it does to find ways of letting go and getting a comfortable distance, working to find a healthy way of still having someone in my life.
I guess my view of friendship is more flexible. It's natural to wax and wane as our lives change. I don't expect to see a lot of people when they're first falling in love, or have a baby, or are in graduate school and working full time. I don't expect to have a huge slice of their mindshare. I know that if we're really close, things will come back around again. I had drifted away from H - away from everyone - for a while, and when I drifted back I thought she'd be there. She's drifted and returned enough times. I thought she was just on a longer drift. Now I know she'll never come back. I would always have thrown out a life preserver for her, no matter how long gone ... I guess not the other way around. My ocean seems much, much lonelier knowing that she'll never float into it again.
Squidz points out that we've known H historically to dump friends for perceived slights and betrayals we never fully understood. He says it was always going to happen with me, too, eventually, that I couldn't have prevented it. I know it's self-protection; the only way within control to ensure that someone can't hurt you again. I guess it always hurts me more to sever ties than it does to find ways of letting go and getting a comfortable distance, working to find a healthy way of still having someone in my life.
I guess my view of friendship is more flexible. It's natural to wax and wane as our lives change. I don't expect to see a lot of people when they're first falling in love, or have a baby, or are in graduate school and working full time. I don't expect to have a huge slice of their mindshare. I know that if we're really close, things will come back around again. I had drifted away from H - away from everyone - for a while, and when I drifted back I thought she'd be there. She's drifted and returned enough times. I thought she was just on a longer drift. Now I know she'll never come back. I would always have thrown out a life preserver for her, no matter how long gone ... I guess not the other way around. My ocean seems much, much lonelier knowing that she'll never float into it again.