Lounge act, drama ripple.
Feeling better about life in general the last few days. Thanks for your comments and support. I feel very thankful that I don't seem to have a constitutional tendency to remain depressed for any length of time. It hurts like fuck when it happens, but it usually lightens up after a while. I think my brain gets bored with those chemicals and decides to make happy ones again.
Great show last night with silly band. We're all slightly mystified and surprised that we continue to receive invitations to play. "You want us to play your show? Really? You know what we do, right? Oh, ok, awesome. Are you sure? Alright, neat, we'll be there!"
What I want to talk about, though is a bit of a poly political quandary/drama ripple that seems to have emerged. It doesn't involve me directly, but like ripples do, has spread to my end of the non-monogamous pool.
From the time Squidz met Miss Tasty in October 2007, he thought he made it clear to her that it's important to him to have the freedom to pursue adventures with other people. Everything went on swimmingly for more than a year, with both of them thrilled having sex with each other and her being fine with him and me. During this time, however, they slowly became closer and closer, like people do when they fuck regularly, spend the night, make each other breakfast, etc. At first he rejected the title of boyfriend, but that passed away and boyfriend he became. Negotiations were made to begin using the L word and having some unprotected sex, which brought them still closer, as those things do. They never verbally agreed to a rule change as far as other people went, but it seems that Miss Tasty gradually began to feel, in a very natural and human way, like they were exclusive except for me.
A couple months ago, a young woman (let's say S) from amongst our kinky circle of friends approached the Squid for a date. He was very flattered. She's cute, and she approached him (very gratifying) and he figured it might be one of his last shots at bedding someone in their 20s (he just hit 38 and is feeling it). He mentioned to me and to Miss T that he was going to have a date with her. I assumed they'd have sex and queried him about her. She has a boyfriend and a busy, full life and seemed unlikely to glom on in some needy, inappropriate way; it sounded like she just wanted a bit of fun, which was what the Squid wanted too. I gave him my blessing. I think Miss T must have decided it would just be dinner. Maybe she didn't ask any questions. I don't know.
They had sex. I queried him about it. It was pretty fun, they'd probably do it again. She was a cool person, but he didn't seem smitten in a worrying way, so I congratulated him on a fun, carefree, friendly conquest. Miss T got very upset. She hadn't seen it coming and thought that they were, excepting me, exclusive - I guess because it felt that way. I'm not sure what passed between them, but Squidz went on another date with S about two weeks later. Miss T got very upset again. They had a Big Talk. He went away with the understanding that it was ok for him to date S, but that he and Miss T would work at having threesomes together in the future. (She likes girls too.)
Two weeks later, Squidz had a third date with S. The next day we both got separate friendly emails from S asking us out for coffee and a chat to make sure that we were all friends and fine with her dating Squidz. It was the week of his birthday, and S also offered to help with his party. Miss T was very, very upset, to the point of anxiety attacks and not sleeping well.
Now, I think that she had nothing but friendly, poly-responsible intentions with this email, but the timing made it pretty weird. Why after the third date? It really felt like a leveling up, like she was saying that now she was a girlfriend too, or something. And offering to help with the party enhanced that feeling - that now she was one of us, an intimate, that it was appropriate for her to help with his birthday party. I shrugged it off, but it was the last straw for Miss Tasty. She told S that she wasn't comfortable with them dating. S immediately called Squidz and said she didn't want to have any more dates if someone was upset. Squidz was mildly annoyed with Miss T.
There were some very hard talks between them, but apparently she really pulled some punches on how hurt she was, how badly she thought Squidz had done her wrong, and how scarred she was from her previous poly relationship - one of the things that was making this extra hard for her. Didn't really effectively communicate these things to the Squid at all. Downplayed everything, hinted at stuff. Even though, hello, he is a BOY and it's best to spell things out. Don't women figure this out by the time they hit mid-30s?
However, she did go ahead and meet S for coffee, and she had no problem telling her everything. Laid it all out there for this person, basically a stranger, about how badly the Squid hurt her, how he said they'd be exclusive except for me and possible future threesomes, then he went and saw S again, and basically how miserable Squidz had made Miss T and it was all his fault.
S went to see Squidz and read him the riot act about what a jerk he was. He explained his side, and she seemed mollified, they hugged and parted as friends. Then at a sex party this weekend, S gave them both the cold shoulder, avoided even looking in their direction.
So for one, regarding Miss T's heart-to-heart with S, I have this to say: What the hell? In my book, you confide the most in your partner, and the partner is the first to know if there are problems, and you work on fixing them with that partner. You don't share the problems with near-strangers. You have trust that the partner doesn't want to hurt you, faith that together you can make it better, and respect for that bond as being closer and tighter than with some chick he's fucked a couple times and whom you hardly know. I do not get why it would seem like a good idea to confide in her, except the obvious sabotage to prevent S and Squidz from getting together, or some set of messy emotional problems. I think it's the latter, but still, that's not cool. Miss T has a therapist. That's what you pay them for.
Second, I am quite miffed at S for gladly taking the role of relationship cop and stomping in to accuse Squidz and demand an accounting, and then cold-shouldering him. Probably it's because she feels guilty about her part in hurting Miss T, but if she thought she was building a pleasant sexy friendship with Squidz, where's the benefit of the doubt, innocent till proven guilty? Also, where's the discretion in getting involved in other people's stuff? I think I would have said: Have you told him all this? Because it's between you two, and you should work it out with him. I don't feel comfortable getting your pain dumped on me. I am not part of this problem.
It reminds me a lot of when Trousers' crazy ex made me briefly think that he was a jerk. I felt very bad for being part of hurting her, but in the end, it wasn't about me, it was about their communication problems and her fairly insane expectations and out-of-control behavior. She didn't lose him to a younger woman, or a sexier woman, she lost him to a woman who could hold her shit together and communicate well, and that's the reason he's stuck around for three and a half years and been willing to commit.
Although none of the Squids/Miss Tasty/S situation pertains directly to me, I am sad that Squidz is feeling bad about it all and miffed that Miss T spoke out of turn/with the wrong person and that S is being all, whatever, self-righteous and pissy. My highest loyalty is to my partners, and whoever is unkind to them is not my buddy.
As of last week, S still wanted to meet for coffee. Although I have no interest in her as a person and it doesn't look like she'll continue to see Squidz, I think I'll meet her. I'll be gentle, but I'd like to point out how a few things could have been done differently.
One thing I didn't mention is that at Squidz' birthday party she also flirted hot and heavy with Trousers. It seems a bit presuming to go after both of my men in one week when we haven't really met or anything. I'm not upset about it, was glad for Trousers to get attention, but I wonder if she knows how her actions appear from the outside, or is she only aware of her intentions?
In closing, it's important to acknowledge that none of this stuff is easy and there's not a codified set of rules to follow. We all flounder and get confused. Clear, honest, compassionate communication is the one principle that can be relied upon to create healthy and loving relationships open to growth and adventure.
Insights and feedback are most welcome.
Great show last night with silly band. We're all slightly mystified and surprised that we continue to receive invitations to play. "You want us to play your show? Really? You know what we do, right? Oh, ok, awesome. Are you sure? Alright, neat, we'll be there!"
What I want to talk about, though is a bit of a poly political quandary/drama ripple that seems to have emerged. It doesn't involve me directly, but like ripples do, has spread to my end of the non-monogamous pool.
From the time Squidz met Miss Tasty in October 2007, he thought he made it clear to her that it's important to him to have the freedom to pursue adventures with other people. Everything went on swimmingly for more than a year, with both of them thrilled having sex with each other and her being fine with him and me. During this time, however, they slowly became closer and closer, like people do when they fuck regularly, spend the night, make each other breakfast, etc. At first he rejected the title of boyfriend, but that passed away and boyfriend he became. Negotiations were made to begin using the L word and having some unprotected sex, which brought them still closer, as those things do. They never verbally agreed to a rule change as far as other people went, but it seems that Miss Tasty gradually began to feel, in a very natural and human way, like they were exclusive except for me.
A couple months ago, a young woman (let's say S) from amongst our kinky circle of friends approached the Squid for a date. He was very flattered. She's cute, and she approached him (very gratifying) and he figured it might be one of his last shots at bedding someone in their 20s (he just hit 38 and is feeling it). He mentioned to me and to Miss T that he was going to have a date with her. I assumed they'd have sex and queried him about her. She has a boyfriend and a busy, full life and seemed unlikely to glom on in some needy, inappropriate way; it sounded like she just wanted a bit of fun, which was what the Squid wanted too. I gave him my blessing. I think Miss T must have decided it would just be dinner. Maybe she didn't ask any questions. I don't know.
They had sex. I queried him about it. It was pretty fun, they'd probably do it again. She was a cool person, but he didn't seem smitten in a worrying way, so I congratulated him on a fun, carefree, friendly conquest. Miss T got very upset. She hadn't seen it coming and thought that they were, excepting me, exclusive - I guess because it felt that way. I'm not sure what passed between them, but Squidz went on another date with S about two weeks later. Miss T got very upset again. They had a Big Talk. He went away with the understanding that it was ok for him to date S, but that he and Miss T would work at having threesomes together in the future. (She likes girls too.)
Two weeks later, Squidz had a third date with S. The next day we both got separate friendly emails from S asking us out for coffee and a chat to make sure that we were all friends and fine with her dating Squidz. It was the week of his birthday, and S also offered to help with his party. Miss T was very, very upset, to the point of anxiety attacks and not sleeping well.
Now, I think that she had nothing but friendly, poly-responsible intentions with this email, but the timing made it pretty weird. Why after the third date? It really felt like a leveling up, like she was saying that now she was a girlfriend too, or something. And offering to help with the party enhanced that feeling - that now she was one of us, an intimate, that it was appropriate for her to help with his birthday party. I shrugged it off, but it was the last straw for Miss Tasty. She told S that she wasn't comfortable with them dating. S immediately called Squidz and said she didn't want to have any more dates if someone was upset. Squidz was mildly annoyed with Miss T.
There were some very hard talks between them, but apparently she really pulled some punches on how hurt she was, how badly she thought Squidz had done her wrong, and how scarred she was from her previous poly relationship - one of the things that was making this extra hard for her. Didn't really effectively communicate these things to the Squid at all. Downplayed everything, hinted at stuff. Even though, hello, he is a BOY and it's best to spell things out. Don't women figure this out by the time they hit mid-30s?
However, she did go ahead and meet S for coffee, and she had no problem telling her everything. Laid it all out there for this person, basically a stranger, about how badly the Squid hurt her, how he said they'd be exclusive except for me and possible future threesomes, then he went and saw S again, and basically how miserable Squidz had made Miss T and it was all his fault.
S went to see Squidz and read him the riot act about what a jerk he was. He explained his side, and she seemed mollified, they hugged and parted as friends. Then at a sex party this weekend, S gave them both the cold shoulder, avoided even looking in their direction.
So for one, regarding Miss T's heart-to-heart with S, I have this to say: What the hell? In my book, you confide the most in your partner, and the partner is the first to know if there are problems, and you work on fixing them with that partner. You don't share the problems with near-strangers. You have trust that the partner doesn't want to hurt you, faith that together you can make it better, and respect for that bond as being closer and tighter than with some chick he's fucked a couple times and whom you hardly know. I do not get why it would seem like a good idea to confide in her, except the obvious sabotage to prevent S and Squidz from getting together, or some set of messy emotional problems. I think it's the latter, but still, that's not cool. Miss T has a therapist. That's what you pay them for.
Second, I am quite miffed at S for gladly taking the role of relationship cop and stomping in to accuse Squidz and demand an accounting, and then cold-shouldering him. Probably it's because she feels guilty about her part in hurting Miss T, but if she thought she was building a pleasant sexy friendship with Squidz, where's the benefit of the doubt, innocent till proven guilty? Also, where's the discretion in getting involved in other people's stuff? I think I would have said: Have you told him all this? Because it's between you two, and you should work it out with him. I don't feel comfortable getting your pain dumped on me. I am not part of this problem.
It reminds me a lot of when Trousers' crazy ex made me briefly think that he was a jerk. I felt very bad for being part of hurting her, but in the end, it wasn't about me, it was about their communication problems and her fairly insane expectations and out-of-control behavior. She didn't lose him to a younger woman, or a sexier woman, she lost him to a woman who could hold her shit together and communicate well, and that's the reason he's stuck around for three and a half years and been willing to commit.
Although none of the Squids/Miss Tasty/S situation pertains directly to me, I am sad that Squidz is feeling bad about it all and miffed that Miss T spoke out of turn/with the wrong person and that S is being all, whatever, self-righteous and pissy. My highest loyalty is to my partners, and whoever is unkind to them is not my buddy.
As of last week, S still wanted to meet for coffee. Although I have no interest in her as a person and it doesn't look like she'll continue to see Squidz, I think I'll meet her. I'll be gentle, but I'd like to point out how a few things could have been done differently.
One thing I didn't mention is that at Squidz' birthday party she also flirted hot and heavy with Trousers. It seems a bit presuming to go after both of my men in one week when we haven't really met or anything. I'm not upset about it, was glad for Trousers to get attention, but I wonder if she knows how her actions appear from the outside, or is she only aware of her intentions?
In closing, it's important to acknowledge that none of this stuff is easy and there's not a codified set of rules to follow. We all flounder and get confused. Clear, honest, compassionate communication is the one principle that can be relied upon to create healthy and loving relationships open to growth and adventure.
Insights and feedback are most welcome.