In shock
I am still in shock. I woke up today after 3 hours sleep and I'm still in shock. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this. What is it?
So.. in my last entry, I was having these horrible feelings of emotional insecurity. I am buying my first house. I should be freaking about that and getting ready to move and yadda yadda. Instead, Scot is all I can think about. I wake up and he comes to mind and he's the last one on my mind when I sleep. When I sleep, I think about him. My life. I swear to God. It could be made into a movie. I can't make this shit up. First of all.. I'll talk about everything that happened yesterday, but let me first talk about something that I found out... which will tie in everything nicely and cause me great emotional grief at the same time.
So, after Scot and I split up, he went on to pursue a music career. He was in a band called Allergic. He was constantly playing gigs and trying to get their name out. One night not too long.. but long enough.. after we broke up, they played a gig at a club. Now take in mind that I was still believing that he had plotted with June the idea to tell me she was pregnant so that they could get me out of their lives.. which, as I said, fucked me up beyond belief.. for my whole life. Sedge went to go see them play. Afterwards, Sedge went up to Scot and told him how much he liked the music, etc. etc. There was also a sign up sheet for their mailing list. Later that night, Scot was entering names into the database and my name was on it. He sat there in stunned disbelief wondering if I was at the show. Of course I wasn't, and he assumed it was a joke from Sedge. So he waited for a long time.. a month maybe. Then he poured out his heart and wrote me a 3 page letter. He sent it, and it was returned. He thought I returned it and walked away. I never got the letter and I went away thinking he never loved me. How much different would my life, our life, have been had I gotten that letter? I know, I wouldn't be where I am today (which I'm pretty happy about), but I wouldn't be here if I had gotten that letter. Neither would he. I don't know what would have happened. But wow. This is straight out of a movie. I can't make this shit up.
So.. with that being said, I went on with my life. My story is up. I've shared it. I also sent Scot and email the day before yesterday. I told him. I told him how much I still love the person he was and how much I needed to separate the 2 people so that I could move on. I need to know who he is now so I can stop picturing the guy wearing Z Cavariccis with the blue eyes who melted my heart. I sat and listened to his music over and over and over and cried and wished that he had written music for me. It's here (http://www.myspace.com/scotchronister) if you are interested. It's quite amazingly beautiful and I really do love it enough that I can keep listening to it over and over. Then again, I'm pretty biased. :) Anyway, I sent him a "throw my heart out on the table and hope for the best" email. I sat in agony waiting to hear back from him. I also did come home and drink a bunch of wine.. enough that I fell asleep waiting. When I woke up to go to bed, I checked and I had an email back. I read it and he told me he had forgiven me a long time ago. He also told me that I wasn't bugging him and not to worry about sending him myspace messages or calling him or whatever. He also told me that he wasn't ready to be with anyone, including his wife. It wasn't, of course, the answer that I wanted, but it wasn't a rejection either. So I replied on my iPhone and told him thank you and that I had needed to hear that.
He didn't get my replies (and I got a note this morning that said they couldn't be delivered). Yesterday morning, he was worried that he hadn't heard back from me and texted me in the morning to ask how I was. That was an open doorway. I texted him back. I told him how much I loved listening his music. I told him what a bad day I had on Thursday and that I really appreciated having his beautiful music to get me through my day and that the fact that it was him was even better. I said the right thing. We kept up the texts. All day long. I hovered near my phone all day replying to his texts whenever I could. I spent my whole day waiting for my keys to my house focused on the next text from him. It was an amazing day for me. He finally told me that he couldn't believe his feelings.. that they were crazy feelings and then told me how much he loved talking to me again. It was just amazing. Not only was I having a conversation with someone I still cared about, but it was HIM. HIM! After all these years.. it was him!
I made up some flimsy excuse about needing him to help me create a room in my garage (which I really do want him to help me with.. but I haven't even moved in yet!). I asked him if I could call him and talk to him about it and he said yes. This was at 6pm last night. We talked it through and I marveled again at how much he didn't sound like the Scot I remembered him to be. It was 9pm before I hung up the phone with him. I sat in the world's most uncomfortable chairs at work and talked to him until he had to put his nephew down for the night.
Instead of telling me he'd talk to me later, he asked if he could call me back in a few hours. I said ok and I went home. I could tell by talking to him that I was having an effect on him. He was remembering things and kept telling me how he was having crazy feelings and asked me what I was doing to him. It was during this time that he told me about the letter. He told me how much music he'd written over the years and how much he just wished I could hear it. He didn't even care if I told him anything back, he just wanted me to hear it. I remember him saying those things to me a long time ago. We talked a lot about faith and he kept saying that he came up here to try to fix things with his family, which he thought would help his marriage. Instead, he didn't have a problem with his family and was starting to see that it was his marriage. He told me that he had tried really hard to convince himself that his wife was right for him and then he had tried to convince her that she was right for him. Obviously, this was falling apart in their absence from each other. He kept making statements that, knowing him how I do, he was trying to distance himself from his wife. He was also laughing and giggly. I haven't heard him like that. When I talked to him before, he was serious and very guarded. He was almost sounding more like himself.. the way I remembered him.
Then around 10:45 he called me back. I sat down and talked to him for so long. It was 5am when we hung up. How do you talk for 9 hours to someone in one day? I have never talked on the phone that long in my life. Never. So much of what was said was meant for just us. It was us sharing and talking and being the way we have always been with each other. I have never trusted anyone so much as I trust this man. I have never trusted that someone loved me as much as I trust that he loves me. I would trust him with anything. I can hear it in his voice. I can hear it in the way he talks to me and the things he says and the way he says them. There's something there. We're not done. We never were done. We only took a long break from each other. I can't believe this is happening to me. I have been in love with him for so many years and I walked away thinking that it was over and he didn't love me. Now he's back. I told him how so much music I hear reminds me of him. He said the same. I asked him to name a song that reminds him of me. He said that he'd play it for me. He played Never Too Late by 3 Days Grace. I don't know why, but I heard this song the other day and I don't know what it was, it gave me a feeling of intense loneliness and I remember thinking that I should associate this song with someone, but I didn't know who or why. I guess now I know. I came so close to going to his house last night. We kept talking about it and he would say "so when are you leaving?" and I'd say.. ok where are you going and he'd say.. wait.. we can't do this. This went on for so long that I decided to let him sleep because I knew he'd just fall asleep before I got there. We even talked about my concerns about me not looking the same as I did when he knew me. He said "I know what you're concerned about" and I told him the conversations I had with guys at work. I told them that I didn't care what Scot looked like. I mean, he looks as good to me now as he always did, but that no matter what he looks like, I'd still love him. They told me that he doesn't look like a 16 year old either and to give him a little credit.
I still have some doubts. I have let myself go since I broke up with Tim. I didn't care to try to eat right and try to get back to the weight I was when I met him. I had resigned myself to being single forever and just did what made me happy. Granted, I had already vowed to do so when I move into my new house, but I'm not there yet. I'm still nervous about what he will think. I'm nervious that he'll be turned off by my body, but I honestly believe that any weight I have to lose will come off eventually. If he has carried a torch for me for 20 years, he'll still be there and get back down to the size I'm happy with. That's a REALLY hard statement to make and even harder for me to believe, but if I can believe that about any man, it would be him. He'll be there. I know he won't walk away again.
He also told me that between the calls last night, he called his wife and told her that they needed to go their separate ways. I don't know what's going to come of that. It's still a big unknown for him as well. But I think and know in my heart that he's done with her. As we got off the phone last night and decided we'd wait another day to see each other, he kept saying, it's not like we don't have all the time in the world. I'm not going anywhere.
I can't believe this is happening. I've been so lonely for so long. I've been so miserable for so long wishing that someone was there in my life. Never, ever, in a million years, would I have believed that the person to come back into my life would be him. Never did I ever think, in a million years, that he'd even want to come back into my life. Last night he kept telling me that all the carefully constructed walls he's put up around himself after I left out of his life were back down. Something about me and the way I talk to him, he had opened himself up to me and he was so ok with that. I could even hear that his voice was the same as the way it was when I knew him before. He sounded much more like himself and so happy. He was giggling and things were said that I don't think that people say to each other. I have never felt the way I do with him about anyone else. I hesitate to say this because it sounds so corny. My dad got remarried to Kate and he told me that what he had in her was his soulmate. It's a once in a lifetime connection with another person. I can't help but think that's what the case is here. I trust him so implicitly. There's no doubt. There's nothing I could say to him that would be bad. When we were 16, I even cheated on him, but he was ok with it. You know why? It wasn't that it didn't hurt him, because it did. Bad. But I told him. I always told him everything. I never hid things from him. My life with him is an open book and I've never kept anything from him. Is he my soulmate? Is he what I have been quietly waiting for my whole life? Is he the reason I can't love again or feel anything for anyone else? I feel nothing for other guys. All the guys I dated within the past YEARS (except Tim) I felt nothing for. I wished I could, but I felt nothing. Now here he is and all my feelings are back and after talking to him, I know that I still love him. We kept wanting to say things last night and would be unsure of it and we kept reminding each other "hey.. it's me" and we'd both laugh and the words would come spilling out. I"m sad about the loss of time and years that we might have had, but then again, the timing may not have been right. The timing is good now. I'm at a place where I'm so ready to be in a faithful committed relationship the rest of my life. I think he is too. He's done trying to make it in a band (which isn't to say he's not going to keep up his music.. but he's done trying to be the rockstar). He's coming out of a marriage and that scares me a little, but the fact is that I have a place in his heart that no one can ever take.
I know I'm jumping the gun here, but I used to cry. A lot. When I pictured myself getting married, it was always to him. I would cry for the lost wedding date (June 9, 1991) and the fact that I'd never walk down the aisle to him. I used to cry that my dad didn't get to give me away to him. Maybe this is what I was waiting for. Here is in, coincidentally, living in the city I live in at a time when we're both open to each other. Just maybe. I'm trying to be careful, I'm trying to take it slow, but it's so hard. It's him. It's him. It's him. How long have I been waiting for someone and it's him!
So.. in my last entry, I was having these horrible feelings of emotional insecurity. I am buying my first house. I should be freaking about that and getting ready to move and yadda yadda. Instead, Scot is all I can think about. I wake up and he comes to mind and he's the last one on my mind when I sleep. When I sleep, I think about him. My life. I swear to God. It could be made into a movie. I can't make this shit up. First of all.. I'll talk about everything that happened yesterday, but let me first talk about something that I found out... which will tie in everything nicely and cause me great emotional grief at the same time.
So, after Scot and I split up, he went on to pursue a music career. He was in a band called Allergic. He was constantly playing gigs and trying to get their name out. One night not too long.. but long enough.. after we broke up, they played a gig at a club. Now take in mind that I was still believing that he had plotted with June the idea to tell me she was pregnant so that they could get me out of their lives.. which, as I said, fucked me up beyond belief.. for my whole life. Sedge went to go see them play. Afterwards, Sedge went up to Scot and told him how much he liked the music, etc. etc. There was also a sign up sheet for their mailing list. Later that night, Scot was entering names into the database and my name was on it. He sat there in stunned disbelief wondering if I was at the show. Of course I wasn't, and he assumed it was a joke from Sedge. So he waited for a long time.. a month maybe. Then he poured out his heart and wrote me a 3 page letter. He sent it, and it was returned. He thought I returned it and walked away. I never got the letter and I went away thinking he never loved me. How much different would my life, our life, have been had I gotten that letter? I know, I wouldn't be where I am today (which I'm pretty happy about), but I wouldn't be here if I had gotten that letter. Neither would he. I don't know what would have happened. But wow. This is straight out of a movie. I can't make this shit up.
So.. with that being said, I went on with my life. My story is up. I've shared it. I also sent Scot and email the day before yesterday. I told him. I told him how much I still love the person he was and how much I needed to separate the 2 people so that I could move on. I need to know who he is now so I can stop picturing the guy wearing Z Cavariccis with the blue eyes who melted my heart. I sat and listened to his music over and over and over and cried and wished that he had written music for me. It's here (http://www.myspace.com/scotchronister) if you are interested. It's quite amazingly beautiful and I really do love it enough that I can keep listening to it over and over. Then again, I'm pretty biased. :) Anyway, I sent him a "throw my heart out on the table and hope for the best" email. I sat in agony waiting to hear back from him. I also did come home and drink a bunch of wine.. enough that I fell asleep waiting. When I woke up to go to bed, I checked and I had an email back. I read it and he told me he had forgiven me a long time ago. He also told me that I wasn't bugging him and not to worry about sending him myspace messages or calling him or whatever. He also told me that he wasn't ready to be with anyone, including his wife. It wasn't, of course, the answer that I wanted, but it wasn't a rejection either. So I replied on my iPhone and told him thank you and that I had needed to hear that.
He didn't get my replies (and I got a note this morning that said they couldn't be delivered). Yesterday morning, he was worried that he hadn't heard back from me and texted me in the morning to ask how I was. That was an open doorway. I texted him back. I told him how much I loved listening his music. I told him what a bad day I had on Thursday and that I really appreciated having his beautiful music to get me through my day and that the fact that it was him was even better. I said the right thing. We kept up the texts. All day long. I hovered near my phone all day replying to his texts whenever I could. I spent my whole day waiting for my keys to my house focused on the next text from him. It was an amazing day for me. He finally told me that he couldn't believe his feelings.. that they were crazy feelings and then told me how much he loved talking to me again. It was just amazing. Not only was I having a conversation with someone I still cared about, but it was HIM. HIM! After all these years.. it was him!
I made up some flimsy excuse about needing him to help me create a room in my garage (which I really do want him to help me with.. but I haven't even moved in yet!). I asked him if I could call him and talk to him about it and he said yes. This was at 6pm last night. We talked it through and I marveled again at how much he didn't sound like the Scot I remembered him to be. It was 9pm before I hung up the phone with him. I sat in the world's most uncomfortable chairs at work and talked to him until he had to put his nephew down for the night.
Instead of telling me he'd talk to me later, he asked if he could call me back in a few hours. I said ok and I went home. I could tell by talking to him that I was having an effect on him. He was remembering things and kept telling me how he was having crazy feelings and asked me what I was doing to him. It was during this time that he told me about the letter. He told me how much music he'd written over the years and how much he just wished I could hear it. He didn't even care if I told him anything back, he just wanted me to hear it. I remember him saying those things to me a long time ago. We talked a lot about faith and he kept saying that he came up here to try to fix things with his family, which he thought would help his marriage. Instead, he didn't have a problem with his family and was starting to see that it was his marriage. He told me that he had tried really hard to convince himself that his wife was right for him and then he had tried to convince her that she was right for him. Obviously, this was falling apart in their absence from each other. He kept making statements that, knowing him how I do, he was trying to distance himself from his wife. He was also laughing and giggly. I haven't heard him like that. When I talked to him before, he was serious and very guarded. He was almost sounding more like himself.. the way I remembered him.
Then around 10:45 he called me back. I sat down and talked to him for so long. It was 5am when we hung up. How do you talk for 9 hours to someone in one day? I have never talked on the phone that long in my life. Never. So much of what was said was meant for just us. It was us sharing and talking and being the way we have always been with each other. I have never trusted anyone so much as I trust this man. I have never trusted that someone loved me as much as I trust that he loves me. I would trust him with anything. I can hear it in his voice. I can hear it in the way he talks to me and the things he says and the way he says them. There's something there. We're not done. We never were done. We only took a long break from each other. I can't believe this is happening to me. I have been in love with him for so many years and I walked away thinking that it was over and he didn't love me. Now he's back. I told him how so much music I hear reminds me of him. He said the same. I asked him to name a song that reminds him of me. He said that he'd play it for me. He played Never Too Late by 3 Days Grace. I don't know why, but I heard this song the other day and I don't know what it was, it gave me a feeling of intense loneliness and I remember thinking that I should associate this song with someone, but I didn't know who or why. I guess now I know. I came so close to going to his house last night. We kept talking about it and he would say "so when are you leaving?" and I'd say.. ok where are you going and he'd say.. wait.. we can't do this. This went on for so long that I decided to let him sleep because I knew he'd just fall asleep before I got there. We even talked about my concerns about me not looking the same as I did when he knew me. He said "I know what you're concerned about" and I told him the conversations I had with guys at work. I told them that I didn't care what Scot looked like. I mean, he looks as good to me now as he always did, but that no matter what he looks like, I'd still love him. They told me that he doesn't look like a 16 year old either and to give him a little credit.
I still have some doubts. I have let myself go since I broke up with Tim. I didn't care to try to eat right and try to get back to the weight I was when I met him. I had resigned myself to being single forever and just did what made me happy. Granted, I had already vowed to do so when I move into my new house, but I'm not there yet. I'm still nervous about what he will think. I'm nervious that he'll be turned off by my body, but I honestly believe that any weight I have to lose will come off eventually. If he has carried a torch for me for 20 years, he'll still be there and get back down to the size I'm happy with. That's a REALLY hard statement to make and even harder for me to believe, but if I can believe that about any man, it would be him. He'll be there. I know he won't walk away again.
He also told me that between the calls last night, he called his wife and told her that they needed to go their separate ways. I don't know what's going to come of that. It's still a big unknown for him as well. But I think and know in my heart that he's done with her. As we got off the phone last night and decided we'd wait another day to see each other, he kept saying, it's not like we don't have all the time in the world. I'm not going anywhere.
I can't believe this is happening. I've been so lonely for so long. I've been so miserable for so long wishing that someone was there in my life. Never, ever, in a million years, would I have believed that the person to come back into my life would be him. Never did I ever think, in a million years, that he'd even want to come back into my life. Last night he kept telling me that all the carefully constructed walls he's put up around himself after I left out of his life were back down. Something about me and the way I talk to him, he had opened himself up to me and he was so ok with that. I could even hear that his voice was the same as the way it was when I knew him before. He sounded much more like himself and so happy. He was giggling and things were said that I don't think that people say to each other. I have never felt the way I do with him about anyone else. I hesitate to say this because it sounds so corny. My dad got remarried to Kate and he told me that what he had in her was his soulmate. It's a once in a lifetime connection with another person. I can't help but think that's what the case is here. I trust him so implicitly. There's no doubt. There's nothing I could say to him that would be bad. When we were 16, I even cheated on him, but he was ok with it. You know why? It wasn't that it didn't hurt him, because it did. Bad. But I told him. I always told him everything. I never hid things from him. My life with him is an open book and I've never kept anything from him. Is he my soulmate? Is he what I have been quietly waiting for my whole life? Is he the reason I can't love again or feel anything for anyone else? I feel nothing for other guys. All the guys I dated within the past YEARS (except Tim) I felt nothing for. I wished I could, but I felt nothing. Now here he is and all my feelings are back and after talking to him, I know that I still love him. We kept wanting to say things last night and would be unsure of it and we kept reminding each other "hey.. it's me" and we'd both laugh and the words would come spilling out. I"m sad about the loss of time and years that we might have had, but then again, the timing may not have been right. The timing is good now. I'm at a place where I'm so ready to be in a faithful committed relationship the rest of my life. I think he is too. He's done trying to make it in a band (which isn't to say he's not going to keep up his music.. but he's done trying to be the rockstar). He's coming out of a marriage and that scares me a little, but the fact is that I have a place in his heart that no one can ever take.
I know I'm jumping the gun here, but I used to cry. A lot. When I pictured myself getting married, it was always to him. I would cry for the lost wedding date (June 9, 1991) and the fact that I'd never walk down the aisle to him. I used to cry that my dad didn't get to give me away to him. Maybe this is what I was waiting for. Here is in, coincidentally, living in the city I live in at a time when we're both open to each other. Just maybe. I'm trying to be careful, I'm trying to take it slow, but it's so hard. It's him. It's him. It's him. How long have I been waiting for someone and it's him!