Could my life get any stranger right now?
So.. it's been a good. Tuesday night I went out and had dinner with Scot. It was sort of a "I want to thank you and talk" dinner... not a date or anything. It was really cool. I offered and he accepted a dinner at a little grill down the street from my house. I had the halibut and it was awesome. It was a little strained and after dinner, we came back to my house. He had picked me up at work (*happy sigh*) and when he brought me back home, we talked a little bit. He had to leave to get his brother, so he didn't stay long. I got some things off my chest and he left with me feeling happy.
Then, Wednesday night, I was thinking I'd go home. Well, then I talked to him (and for the record, he calls me just as much as I call him.. so this is a totally mutual talking to each other several times a day thing). He then proceeded to tell me that he was really bummin' about things with Kori (his wife) and he was going to drink some beer and play video games all day. Having been there/done that, I told him I was coming to get him and take him on an adventure. He wasn't sure about going and kept trying to back out. He kept telling me he wasn't in the mood to go, but I wasn't takin' no for an answer and he let me go get him. I went to pick him up and I took him to see my family's sailboat down at the docks. We walked around looking at boats. During that time, my brother called and told Scot about the existence of my nephew, Damian. So I told him the story of my pregnancy with Dean and how Damian was born (um.. just reread this and it sounds weird. Basically I got pregnant at the same time as my brother's girlfriend and while I didn't keep mine, she did). While we were standing there talking, a plane flew overhead and he made a remark about it. So we got in the car and went down Marine drive and went to park by the runway and watched planes land and take off. During that time, we talked a lot. He said how much he was hurting about Kori and I told him about DBT classes and how DBT taught me that when there's a problem, there are 4 things he could do. I think this helped him a lot. It started to get really cold and I was hungry, so I took him to the Roxy.. which is a little 24 hour diner down in SW. In his words, it was like going back in time. We sat there talking and the juke kept playing all this cool music. By the end of the night, he told me what a good time he had and how happy he was that I made him come out. I could sense that it was a pivotal night for him.
He called me yesterday morning at work and we talked a little bit more. I've tried (am still trying) to stay very neutral about Kori. The last thing I wanna do is talk bad about his wife. One thing that came out of the talking that we did the night before was that he admitted that he was still holding out hope that his marriage would work out. So when we talked yesterday, I said something about the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results). He said a little more and struggled for his words. Finally, I couldn't stand it and asked him if I could be honest with him. He of course asked me to be and I told him how I saw things. I stressed that I didn't want to say anything bad about her since I don't know her, but that the way I was seeing things... whatever he was doing wasn't working. Here he was living 1000 miles from her. Not only was she not here doing what she needed to be doing to work things out with her husband, she wouldn't even talk to him when she was around her friends. I told him that he hadn't really made a decision (which he said he did the previous night) and that until he made one, he was just going to keep being miserable. It sunk in. He said he realized that things really were over and it was time to move on. Then he got angry. Not at me, but at her.
So last night, I was riding home and he called me on the MAX. We talked some more and he started saying how different he felt... how much better he felt. He said that things had changed with him.. that he was feeling better after the previous night and hanging out by the airport. Then I mentioned to him that it was fleet week and asked if he'd wanna go down and see the ships. I said "not tonight" and he said "why not tonight" and I answered that I figured he'd be busy.. but then quickly told him that if he wanted to go to the Rose Festival.. then I'd be happy to go. So he got all excited and said that we should meet up and it was decided that I'd go get him so that he wouldn't have to drive all the way back to Beaverton to drop me off.
When I got there, he informed me that it was too cold and rainy to go out to the ships and instead he wanted to go out and do Karaoke. I've been to a little bar right by my work, so we went there. Along the way, he brought up some stuff about Kori and it's very clear that he's done.. and angry. He said how he kept making excuses for her for this and that and he was done. Anyway.. so we parked and he got to see the boats docked out at the waterfront. Then we went over to The Boiler Room. He loved the place. I liked it too. He was so excited. He got even happier when I told him that I'd totally get up and sing too. So we sat down and it was just him and I. It was so just like old times. He handed me 20 bucks and said to get him something cheap tonight. Of course I came back with 2 PBR and he got all happy about that. We didn't do much drinking. I think we only had a couple of beers a piece. Scot, when he sings, sounds just like dude from Incubus. I was listening to his old band, Allergic, and in one of the songs, he's a dead ringer for Incubus. He knows that because it was one of the reasons that they had so much trouble getting signed. It also would make for a good incubus cover, so he got up and sang Drive. Next it was my turn and I sang Just Like Heaven.. of course, making sure to look right at him through so much of it. We waited around until he got to sing again. He sang Closer. It was so cool because some girl was standing there as he was singing and she said to her friend "Am I just really drunk or is he really good?". I couldn't have been more proud at that moment. Then right after that, I sang I Love Rock 'n Roll. He just stood there grinning at me. Then, right after that, the girl who made the comment got up and sing Sweet Child 'O Mine.. which is a really special song to me.. because of him. He didn't remember why, so we left and I reminded him. This launched into a lot of talk about him and I and the end of our relationship and how much it hurt both of us.
Pictures here too! Scot
Then.. He dropped the bomb.
As we were driving, he says "Lewanna.. I have to tell you something". He was so totally serious and I could tell whatever it was, he was afraid to tell me. Then he tells me: "You were my first". My stomach just dropped. I was completely floored. I didn't know what to say. I felt so numb all over. I was so adamant about me not being his first. All those years, he told me about some girl who "taught" him stuff, and he said that they never did anything.. they just talked about it. I wish I had known. It would have changed so much. Oh well. I can't change it now. We talked about a lot of stuff after that as well and I finally got him to his house. After that, we hugged.. for a really long time. There was something really different about him and I asked what it was. He said he was just reliving a lot of stuff. When he finally pushed away there was this awkward moment. See.. all night long, it was like old times. I wanted to hold his hand and kiss him. I kept going to reach for him.. outta habit.. but then stopping myself. When the hug was over, I almost went to kiss him, but I stopped myself. I think he stopped himself too.
So this morning he had an interview. It was doing the same thing he was doing down in Cali. He just called as I was writing this and told me how things went. Pending a background check and a drug test, he got the job. The other REALLY good part of it was that he said that he told them how much he was making down in Cali and they didn't bat an eye. They told him there'd be no problem with him making that here. So, best of all, if he gets a job.. a good job.. making what he was making down there.. which was a good salary.. then I think he'll stay. That's the thing that scares me the most. I don't want him to leave back to Cali. He's not tied here, but if he gets a good job, making Cali wages in Oregon, he'll stay. He even said that if he was making that kind of money that he could afford to buy a house in a few years... which he totally could. The hardest thing is that he misses his son. Tracy (who by the way, I found out, has been completely terrified for years and years that he'd find me and leave her for me.. lol) would never let Jake move up here. That's going to be hard. However his family is all here. He has a good job here. He's got a lot going for him here now and to leave it all just to be close to his son is going to be a tough decision... not one that I want to see him in, but never the less, it's going to be tough.
I am trying not to get my hopes up.. but I think there's a lot going on here. He's happy hanging out with me. We are so close. A constant statement that we make with each other is "hey.. it's me". This allows brutal honesty with each other. I know he knows that I'm completely in love with him. I've hinted at it so much. He also told me the other day that when he sees me that he sees "an open door". This was in regards to the fact that we were talking about trust and how when I'm with him, I don't have to have that guardedness that I have with other people. I just trust him and he trusts me. I told him as well that I'd do anything for him.. which I would. Ah.. so strange to have him around again. He's becoming my best friend again and things are so easy between us... just like they always were.
Ok.. I really gotta get some work done. Gonna stop babbling now. :)