(no subject)
everything i once had
gabe saporta / william beckett, 3096 words
"what's your name?" the guy asks and gabe just blinks at him, incredulous. there isn't anyone he recognizes in the room even though the place hasn't changed one bit since the last time he was here. he runs his fingers along the worn wood of the dining room table and smiles at the way it is still unexplainably soft though the grain is scratched in too many places to count.
the floorboards creak as he walks around the guy to the mantle piece and takes a look at the pictures. it's been years but they are still the same, as though time doesn't exist. gabe's elbow brushes the curtains and he stops, recalling the day when he helped put them up, complaining that purple would have gone better with his hoodie even if it didn't match the walls.
it's as though the apartment is speaking to him, welcoming him home, but most of it doesn't recognize him in a black button up shirt and straight black jeans. over time, the colour in his life slowly faded and now he is left with dull shades and neutral tones and maybe he'd blend into the crowd for once, but tonight he wants to be seen.
"what's your name?" the guy asks again, but someone else answers.
"gabe."
he doesn't need to look to know that it's william, and he almost doesn't want to because he's not sure what he'll see. it's been years and the image of his friend is still in the back of his mind from last time they saw each other.
back then, william's hair was short but growing out and gabe would tug on it and run away laughing. his face was still boyish but he was grown up in so many ways. he wore those glasses, those dork glasses that matched gabe's, and looked so intellectual and wise talking about a new album.
he's brought back to the moment by a hand on his chest; the random guy slapping one of those stickers onto his shirt. hello! my name is gabe. hello! my name is awkward. hello! my name is ex boyfriend, standing between the love of his life and the person who is presumably the new boyfriend, considering he is in charge of labeling the guests and was the one who opened the door and welcomed gabe to the party. he's not even sure what they are celebrating, maybe it's an anniversary or an engagement or the death of gabe saporta's chances of getting laid tonight.
(he tells himself this in his head, though honestly, he had no ill intentions about coming here.)
nameless new boyfriend guy shifts awkwardly in the corner. maybe he knows who gabe is, maybe he doesn't, but it doesn't stop william from walking the short distance between them and wrapping his arms around gabe's shoulders, standing on his toes and immediately taking a deep breath as though he is trying to breathe all of him in before he leaves.
nameless new boyfriend guy is distracted by some friends and some wine in tall glasses so gabe takes it as an opportunity to get tangled up in bill's embrace, kiss his hair and allow his hands to wander over the stiff fabric clinging to his back. he leans in close and whispers, "i love you, and i miss you," because really, what else is there to say?
even if he thinks real hard about it, he can't remember when they stopped talking, and it makes him feel like an asshole. they barely saw each other after australia, after japan. their schedules kept clashing. gabe's studio time got in the way of william's tour around the world; william's promotional stuff took him to cities on the other side of the country, of the world.
it wasn't working anymore and after a year of it, gabe was getting weary of the late night phone calls and the meek voice on the other end that he was too used to sounding lively and excited. he hated seeing bill's sad face in interviews and during shows and knowing that his absence was the reason behind it all.
they broke up over the phone and it wasn't a big deal at the time. william expressed that he was sick of being jet lagged for a quickie and a few kind words and gabe agreed that they didn't need each other like that to still be together. they had been friends for years already, and they were good friends before they were boyfriends. they ended it on those terms, laughing about hooking up whenever they ran into one another and promising to call the next day to talk about bill's show, gabe's ideas for album art and what they'd get pete for his birthday.
but still, gabe knew that they wouldn't last for very long without each other. he had gotten used to seeing william's face on his pillow, however infrequently it happened. he had learned to be quieter to spare his boyfriend's ears and william had learned that utilizing an indoor voice was useless. gabe missed the feel of bill's skin against his, missed the way his hair looked matted down to his forehead, missed the curve of his lips when he smiled and whispered he wanted more.
but it wasn't working and they both knew that it wouldn't as long as they were touring the way they were. gabe was scheduled for another warped tour and william was going back to australia and neither one of them could handle the distance.
he drove for miles one day before bill took off for the land down under, across state lines, all night without stopping so he could pull him into his arms and say goodbye properly.
if there is any way to say goodbye, it's the way they did.
standing here in william's crowded dining room, feeling like a stranger to a home he once called his own while nameless new boyfriend guy explains to friends that he's just visiting, all gabe can think about is the crash of their hips together. he can't help letting his mind wander, recalling that night and the way he held bill close and whispered he loved him over and over in a small voice that didn't belong to him.
he knows it was his fault, their slow but inevitable falling out. he may have said farewell with the sheets thrown off and their sweat intermingling but he never really wanted to go. william let him and some part of him resented the other man for giving up so easily.
from then on, gabe didn't hesitate to mention all the girls he had met, all the conquests and adventures he was having. he talked william's ear off about it all and failed to realize the silence on the other end, only interrupted by unenthusiastic laughter. he was trying not to care, trying to push william away for letting him go so far, and in the meantime, he was breaking both their hearts.
"hey," william whispers, pulling away from gabe and allowing his hands to wonder up and touch the lines of his face. gabe finally gets a moment to take william's appearance in. his hair isn't as long as it once was, but it touches his shoulders and frames his face nicely. he's dressed smartly in a buttoned up t-shirt and light jeans, a chain around his neck and a ring on his finger. it's not on the right finger so gabe breathes easy. he is smiling sadly, his lips curved slightly higher on the right side and his crooked teeth visible under pink lips. he is a little thinner than the last time gabe saw him, but his body still fits so well against his own, as though it was meant to rest there.
he looks the way he did when gabe fell in love with him.
"i shouldn't be here," gabe says, suddenly. he pulls away reluctantly, his hands lingering on william's waist and his eyes moving down, caught by the silver of his necklace and the dip of his clavicle, the pale skin on his chest under his shirt. he realizes now that this isn't the time or the place.
admittedly, he avoided chicago after he realized they had stopped talking. he kept forgetting to call william, caught up in a different city or a different girl, and after leaving annoyed message after annoyed message on his machine to pick up the phone, william stopped trying. gabe didn't want to own up to what he had done so he buried himself in work and tried to forget about the way william said his name in the morning: softly against his ear to wake him up.
it's been years and neither one of them is touring anymore. william's been writing for other bands, doing promotion for fueled by ramen with carden and managing sisky's new band. gabe's making his name producing, still going to ivy leage shows and keeping busy since he's taken over full responsibility of angels and kings. still, it's different. he thought for sure they would find their way back to each other when their lives slowed down and they could be in the same place at the same time, but neither one of them made the first move. it's been years and now all he has are memories are regrets from the life he used to live and a purple hoodie hung in the back of his closet that william scribbled 'i love you' on with a little heart and his name in tiny unreadable block letters.
bill starts to say something but gabe just smiles at him, leans over and kisses him softly on the mouth, doesn't care if nameless new boyfriend guy is watching them or not, and tucks a strand of hair behind bill's ear. he smiles, trying not to be affected by the defeat written across william's face and whispers, "see you around, kid," despite knowing that he won't.
he hurries out of the apartment, peeling the sticker off of his chest and crumpling it up. he takes the stairs two at a time, trying not to think of the way william sighed as he took off or the heavy feeling in his chest like his heart is failing him. the cold breeze hits him and fills his lungs but he has to gasp for air for a moment before he can begin to walk down the street.
he doesn't get that far though, because william comes out after him and catches up in the middle of the street. gabe hadn't noticed before that he wasn't wearing shoes even though he should have known. in a room full of people wearing fancy clothes and dress shoes, the girls all in high heels and sipping fine wine and champagne (it's a fucking cocktail party and for the life of him, he's never known william to be entertained for more than five minutes at one of those things), gabe should have known that william beckett would be barefoot.
"where are you going?" he asks, tugging on gabe's sleeve and turning him around.
gabe doesn't hesitate because he doesn't know when he'll get the opportunity to do this again; this feels like the last time they might see each other for another long while and he's glad that bill had the courage to follow him because he certainly didn't have the courage to go back inside. he turns around and holds william at the hip, brings his hand up to the other man's face and kisses him. it isn't sweet like the kiss he gave him inside, it isn't a simple brush of their lips together. gabe kisses him the way he would after a month of missing each others phone calls and randomly seeing each other at a party, the way they would find their way across a crowded room and not care one bit who told them to find a hotel.
his tongue against bill's is the most familiar feeling and as he licks into his ex boyfriend's mouth, he can't help but get caught up in it, allowing his hands to roam free over a thin frame of noodly arms and ribs that stick out too much. they press against his own, william's hips awkwardly angled and digging into his body. though his arms are pinned under gabe's tight hold on him, he isn't protesting. he sucks on gabe's bottom lip, quiet moans escaping his lips and his head tilting to the side to get a better angle, to deepen their kiss and get lost in the moment. gabe is almost afraid they'll get caught, that someone will look out of the window and see them, but william doesn't seem to share the same fears. he grabs at the fabric of gabe's shirt and lets his hands slide under so he can feel gabe's skin against his fingertips.
they only stop so they can breathe, their chests heaving together as gabe pushes hair out of william's eyes and looks at him like he used to. "i miss you," he admits. after so long, he can't help himself. he's wanted to say so many things since he left william's apartment after their night of goodbyes claiming he'd call and taking the long way back to new york to work on an album he ended up hating anyway.
"i miss the way you'd make me breakfast and yell at me when i wanted to eat it in bed, but you'd climb in with me and brush bread crumbs off my chin. i miss the way you kissed my eyelids and cured my insomnia, the way you held my hand when we crossed the street to make sure i wouldn't get hit by cars. i miss the way you feel and the way you taste and the way you closed your eyes when i sang to you; the way we danced in my living room and you hummed along to songs because you didn't know the words. you probably still don't know them, do you? i don't know, i don't know you anymore." he takes a breath and bites his bottom lip, his eyes stinging though he refuses to look away. "i miss making love to you all night and watching you sleep afterwards, smiling to yourself and sighing these great big breaths. god, i miss your skin, the way you kiss me, the way you make me smile. i don't smile anymore." he shakes his head, finally looking down at the space between them, of which there is very little. "i'm not happy, bill, i haven't been happy and here you are, having cocktail parties with some guy i don't know in an apartment that doesn't remember me. here you are, living your life and i am empty and alone."
william looks like he might cry and even if gabe is on the verge of tears, he won't let himself do it. he is already weak and losing control, allowing himself to say things he never thought he would want bill to hear. william makes a noise between a choked laugh and a sigh but gabe just shakes his head.
"i'm sorry," he apologizes in a small, quiet voice. "i shouldn't be doing this, i shouldn't even be here. i just-- i know now that this whole thing is my fault. i'm the one who pushed you away, i'm the one who ruined us. i was the one worth leaving and i'm sorry." he presses another kiss against william's lips and shrugs his shoulders, defeated. "just tell me, tell me one thing before i leave and you'll never have to see me again."
william still looks like he wants to say something important but he nods, at a loss for words at the moment.
"what's his name?" gabe asks quietly. "this guy, this guy that you're in love with, that you're gonna go back to and kiss goodnight and spend the rest of your life with. this guy that better love you with all his heart and more because you deserve it, you deserve everything. what's his name?"
bill shakes his head, sliding his hands up against gabe's chest and sighs. gabe looks down and sees, resting against the harsh bones on william's chest, the black mamba he gave to him on his birthday to match his own gold cobra. he looks up, his eyebrows furrowed, a little confused. william kisses him slowly, his tongue gentle against gabe's mouth, his hands pressed firmly between their beating hearts.
he pulls back and smiles. "his name," william whispers, "his name is gabe saporta."
--
for ourgossip_lips. know that i cried while writing this and that no one should ever listen to far more by the honorary title while writing such intense angst. oh and nameless new boyfriend guy is a roommate, probably straight."is this the sound of our demise, or is just the opposite?
i love you and i miss you, what else is there to say?"