And So It Begins Again Where It Left Off Before
I woke up this morning with this urge to listen to Tool. I don't know why. A need to get back to set of times and memories long since gone or just a need to listen to Maynard remind me how fvcked up the world really is, either or, I'm not sure which, but both take place, so, maybe for both.
I've come to realize over the morning that there has been something missing for quite a few years now from my life. Simply put, intelligent conversation with other like minded intelligent individuals. I hate to say this, but there are very few of these people left in the world and while the past years have been fun, i do think I may have separated myself from the people I once could discuss intelligent topics with. Not so much on purpose, but in truth on purpose, not knowing that it was purpose of self-social acknowledgment that I was in search for. A need for people to see and know that I was more than what 1 person made me to be so long ago.
It's been one of those moments of clarity where you can glimpse back at events that you had long since forgotten. As if a key was inserted into the lock that opened the doors just the right way for you to see all the way down the corridors back to a time that things were different. I'll admit that in that time I was so very happy, but I was also under the belief that everything I was because of 1 person when in actuality it was all because of me, they just gave me the drive outside to kick start the clutch and get moving on. But they were simpler times. Where it was simply work and home and friends. I don't really have that anymore these days. Oh sure, I have friends, but you're all the way back in Texas and I'm so very far away. I don't see you. I don't go to a bar every Friday with you anymore. Obviously this has not made us any less of friends, but it has created a distance that is not easy to cross.
When I got home last night, is when this clarity began to come into existence. This may not make sense, but I noticed it when I was sitting on my bed starring at my TV, off no less, and I suddenly remembered what i use to do att hat time every night. The Drew Carey Show. As messed up as it may seem, I missed the show. I wished it was on right then and there. I'll be honest, I turned the TV on and searched the guide for Drew Carey, but nothing came up. Then I remembered, you can never go back. That's just how it goes. But then, why would I want to go back? I mean side from the fact that it was a simpler time for me. I knew less about the world and the pains in it. Sadly I knew less of you. But it was easier then, there's no doubt about that.
Back then I knew the world was screwed but I didn't know how bad it really was. Heh, I even knew I was screwed, but I didn't have any idea how badly. Ignorance is bliss, partial blindness is what I was living truly though. But as I sat and pondered the years, I started remembering the joy I felt back then. I miss that. I knew not what emotional pain really was. What I knew was I had someone that cared for me and I cared for them and I had great friends and a decent job and a pretty nice freakin place to. But once aware, you can never become unaware again can you?
I miss the way it used to be, the way I used to be and I'm afraid that I may never find that state of bliss that I had once back then.
I'm thinking of coming back to Texas next year. Not Houston. But to Texas. There's quite a few major game developers in Texas, mainly in Austin. I just feel the need to be close to my friends again as well as my family, not to mention the cost of living out here is asinine. Time to get out while the getting is good I guess. The fact is that I can continue my career back in Texas just as I could out here, but at least in Texas I'll be someplace I know. That's part of the issue as well. I don't know anything out here. It feels alien to me sometimes.
Stranger in a Strangeland.
I do look at it like this, if I move back to Texas, I'm not coming back because California kicked my ass. I'm moving back as a success. How many people do we all know that have come out and come back with their tail between their legs broke and homeless? I certainly am not the richest man on the face of the planet, I am however a successful person now. I know what i need to do to be successful as well and that is an important factor in my continued growth as a human being. So it'll be Austin or Dallas, but I hope Austin, because it's like Cali, just not with the stupid high cost of living.
It's time to come home though, I'll probably make it through this year and then move back, unless I get an offer before then, but I think I'm done with California now. It's been real, but, I'm a Texan, and this is not Texas here.
Heh, so how many people are gonna be pissed that I'm coming back I wonder? ROFL I know there's a hater brigade out there who just simply hates me for whatever reason, I'm sure they'll love to hear this. LOL
I've come to realize over the morning that there has been something missing for quite a few years now from my life. Simply put, intelligent conversation with other like minded intelligent individuals. I hate to say this, but there are very few of these people left in the world and while the past years have been fun, i do think I may have separated myself from the people I once could discuss intelligent topics with. Not so much on purpose, but in truth on purpose, not knowing that it was purpose of self-social acknowledgment that I was in search for. A need for people to see and know that I was more than what 1 person made me to be so long ago.
It's been one of those moments of clarity where you can glimpse back at events that you had long since forgotten. As if a key was inserted into the lock that opened the doors just the right way for you to see all the way down the corridors back to a time that things were different. I'll admit that in that time I was so very happy, but I was also under the belief that everything I was because of 1 person when in actuality it was all because of me, they just gave me the drive outside to kick start the clutch and get moving on. But they were simpler times. Where it was simply work and home and friends. I don't really have that anymore these days. Oh sure, I have friends, but you're all the way back in Texas and I'm so very far away. I don't see you. I don't go to a bar every Friday with you anymore. Obviously this has not made us any less of friends, but it has created a distance that is not easy to cross.
When I got home last night, is when this clarity began to come into existence. This may not make sense, but I noticed it when I was sitting on my bed starring at my TV, off no less, and I suddenly remembered what i use to do att hat time every night. The Drew Carey Show. As messed up as it may seem, I missed the show. I wished it was on right then and there. I'll be honest, I turned the TV on and searched the guide for Drew Carey, but nothing came up. Then I remembered, you can never go back. That's just how it goes. But then, why would I want to go back? I mean side from the fact that it was a simpler time for me. I knew less about the world and the pains in it. Sadly I knew less of you. But it was easier then, there's no doubt about that.
Back then I knew the world was screwed but I didn't know how bad it really was. Heh, I even knew I was screwed, but I didn't have any idea how badly. Ignorance is bliss, partial blindness is what I was living truly though. But as I sat and pondered the years, I started remembering the joy I felt back then. I miss that. I knew not what emotional pain really was. What I knew was I had someone that cared for me and I cared for them and I had great friends and a decent job and a pretty nice freakin place to. But once aware, you can never become unaware again can you?
I miss the way it used to be, the way I used to be and I'm afraid that I may never find that state of bliss that I had once back then.
I'm thinking of coming back to Texas next year. Not Houston. But to Texas. There's quite a few major game developers in Texas, mainly in Austin. I just feel the need to be close to my friends again as well as my family, not to mention the cost of living out here is asinine. Time to get out while the getting is good I guess. The fact is that I can continue my career back in Texas just as I could out here, but at least in Texas I'll be someplace I know. That's part of the issue as well. I don't know anything out here. It feels alien to me sometimes.
Stranger in a Strangeland.
I do look at it like this, if I move back to Texas, I'm not coming back because California kicked my ass. I'm moving back as a success. How many people do we all know that have come out and come back with their tail between their legs broke and homeless? I certainly am not the richest man on the face of the planet, I am however a successful person now. I know what i need to do to be successful as well and that is an important factor in my continued growth as a human being. So it'll be Austin or Dallas, but I hope Austin, because it's like Cali, just not with the stupid high cost of living.
It's time to come home though, I'll probably make it through this year and then move back, unless I get an offer before then, but I think I'm done with California now. It's been real, but, I'm a Texan, and this is not Texas here.
Heh, so how many people are gonna be pissed that I'm coming back I wonder? ROFL I know there's a hater brigade out there who just simply hates me for whatever reason, I'm sure they'll love to hear this. LOL