Nothing Good Can Come...
...from google searches for ex-husbands at 1 in the morning.
I hadn't seen him since right after we split up, sometime early in 2000. We were both so much younger then.
One of the issues in our marriage (besides the fact that we had nothing, really, in common, and that he had type 1 diabetes and refused to monitor his blood sugar and take care of himself and so on) was that he said when we married that he didn't want kids "then" (when we got married). He implied that he'd change his mind as we went along. At first, it wasn't a big deal to me. Hell, I wasn't even close to 30 when we got married. But as time went on and he didn't change his mind (his parents had an acrimonious split when he was a young teenager and he felt betrayed), I began to wonder. And worry. And then we grew further apart, and were almost leading our own lives. I felt alone.
Eventually, I grew apart from him and we divorced. I remember asking him if he ever had thought he'd change his mind about having children - and he said no, but I had wanted it, so he thought maybe it would happen later on. To be honest, that wasn't the only reason I wanted to divorce him, and maybe not even the major one. But it was a part of it. I know I could have been the kind of woman who just *had* the kids ("oops, honey, I guess the birth control pills didn't work") but I would *never* do that - my own issues, and a basic sense of right and wrong forbade it for me. I was the girl who played by the rules.
I ended up not having kids with my next husband, either, and by that time, I was getting to what I thought of as "too old for kids." Then I was single. Then I realized I didn't want to change my life for children, and that there was part of me that had never been comfortable with the idea. I was also betrayed by the divorce of my own parents and the way my father was taken out of my life by my mother's actions. I never understood the extent of it until my father died in 2006. So now I'm comfortable with not having children, even if it's difficult dating in a world where most of the men I meet, if they don't have children, they want someone who's going to have kids with them. I know what I've decided is the right thing for me, but it still makes things uncomfortable sometimes.
So tonight, I went and googled my ex. The one who didn't want to have kids, ever. He's in a relationship (according to facebook) with a woman and has two children. His children, with his last name (and not the name of the woman in the relationship with him). They're both boys, and look to be maybe four and six or seven years old. I felt a kick in my stomach when I realized that these were his kids. I'm pretty sure (for a variety of reasons) that they're his kids with this woman and not just a case of him adopting her kids.
I wondered if her pregnancies were a mutual decision. I wondered if he just needed the right person to get over his past and I wasn't that person. I wondered if I had made the wrong decision all those years ago in not getting pregnant. I wondered who the hell I could talk to about this and realized there wasn't anyone I'd feel comfortable telling the story to. I wondered if I'm ever going to find someone who I'll feel like I could tell this to and they'd actually want to hear it. I wonder if I'll ever get over this automatic instinct to blame myself for everything that happens. I realize I wouldn't have been happy with him and that I made the right choices. I realize that the reasons I didn't want to have children with him are still valid now. I know that I'll be fine. I just wish that life would drop these things in my lap when I'm not so wrapped around the axle like this.
I just need to sleep.
I hadn't seen him since right after we split up, sometime early in 2000. We were both so much younger then.
One of the issues in our marriage (besides the fact that we had nothing, really, in common, and that he had type 1 diabetes and refused to monitor his blood sugar and take care of himself and so on) was that he said when we married that he didn't want kids "then" (when we got married). He implied that he'd change his mind as we went along. At first, it wasn't a big deal to me. Hell, I wasn't even close to 30 when we got married. But as time went on and he didn't change his mind (his parents had an acrimonious split when he was a young teenager and he felt betrayed), I began to wonder. And worry. And then we grew further apart, and were almost leading our own lives. I felt alone.
Eventually, I grew apart from him and we divorced. I remember asking him if he ever had thought he'd change his mind about having children - and he said no, but I had wanted it, so he thought maybe it would happen later on. To be honest, that wasn't the only reason I wanted to divorce him, and maybe not even the major one. But it was a part of it. I know I could have been the kind of woman who just *had* the kids ("oops, honey, I guess the birth control pills didn't work") but I would *never* do that - my own issues, and a basic sense of right and wrong forbade it for me. I was the girl who played by the rules.
I ended up not having kids with my next husband, either, and by that time, I was getting to what I thought of as "too old for kids." Then I was single. Then I realized I didn't want to change my life for children, and that there was part of me that had never been comfortable with the idea. I was also betrayed by the divorce of my own parents and the way my father was taken out of my life by my mother's actions. I never understood the extent of it until my father died in 2006. So now I'm comfortable with not having children, even if it's difficult dating in a world where most of the men I meet, if they don't have children, they want someone who's going to have kids with them. I know what I've decided is the right thing for me, but it still makes things uncomfortable sometimes.
So tonight, I went and googled my ex. The one who didn't want to have kids, ever. He's in a relationship (according to facebook) with a woman and has two children. His children, with his last name (and not the name of the woman in the relationship with him). They're both boys, and look to be maybe four and six or seven years old. I felt a kick in my stomach when I realized that these were his kids. I'm pretty sure (for a variety of reasons) that they're his kids with this woman and not just a case of him adopting her kids.
I wondered if her pregnancies were a mutual decision. I wondered if he just needed the right person to get over his past and I wasn't that person. I wondered if I had made the wrong decision all those years ago in not getting pregnant. I wondered who the hell I could talk to about this and realized there wasn't anyone I'd feel comfortable telling the story to. I wondered if I'm ever going to find someone who I'll feel like I could tell this to and they'd actually want to hear it. I wonder if I'll ever get over this automatic instinct to blame myself for everything that happens. I realize I wouldn't have been happy with him and that I made the right choices. I realize that the reasons I didn't want to have children with him are still valid now. I know that I'll be fine. I just wish that life would drop these things in my lap when I'm not so wrapped around the axle like this.
I just need to sleep.