How Gay is Superman? (Part 1)
Title: How Gay is Superman?
Author: DM Wyatt
Cover: DancesWithGary
Warnings: PG-13 or R (if you squint), post-rift, Future-fic, humor
Spoilers: None
Word Count: 9,673 (both parts)
Summary: Lois outs Superman in a cover article in the Advocate. Lex, seeing a new opportunity, makes sometimes clumsy moves on the lovable Big Dumb Alien.
Author Notes: I got this idea in June of 2006 after The Advocate had published an article titled "How Gay is Superman" with the upcoming Superman on the big screen, Brandon Routh, on the cover. Although the Superman here is a Tom Welling version, this is a Smallville fanfic after all. This story is almost pure fluff, nothing serious happens here and the article was far more insightful (it's about how Superheroes hiding their true identities resonates with gay teens who have secrets of their own) than this story hopes to be.
Part 1 of 2
~:::~
Superman (also know as Kal-El, Last Son of Krypton, the Big Blue Boy Scout, the Man of Steel, the Man of Tomorrow, etc) is a manly man. Or, at least, that's what he would have you believe. He does all kinds of studly things, like saving damsels in distress, changing the course of flooding rivers and even rescuing kittens stuck in trees while using his impressively massive muscles.
However, does the fact that he does all those very heroic deeds with his hair set into a perfectly formed spit curl while wearing skin tight royal blue spandex and a voluminous scarlet cape give the people of this country pause? Could his coiffure and sartorial choices be indicative of his sexual orientation?
Just How Gay IS Superman?
By Lois Lane - The Daily Planet, special to The Advocate
Page 34
~:::~
Clark couldn't believe what he was reading as he finished reading the description of Lois' article in the front of the latest edition of The Advocate. He flipped to the article itself...
He stood in the newsroom of the Daily Planet holding the slick magazine, The Advocate. His image - or rather Superman's image - was plastered in full color on the cover and the article, written by Lois, shocked him to the core.
He looked over at Lois in shock as she gloated. "So? What do you think, Smallville?"
"Think? What do I think? I think you're crazy... You're outing Superman in a nationally circulated magazine!"
She got defensive. "Why is that crazy?"
Clark was annoyed. "Well, maybe because Superman isn't gay."
"You can't be serious."
Clark bristled. "He isn't gay. I know Superman better than you do and he is not gay." He threw the magazine back down on her desk.
Lois actually rolled her eyes. "Oh, please...." She looked intently at Clark as she leaned back against her desk and crossed her arms. "Would a straight man rescue an interior decorator from his burning home and then take time to also save the man's window treatments?"
Clark blinked.
He cleared his throat and pushed his glasses back up his nose. "Maybe they were pretty window treatments."
Lois flipped through several pages of a notebook. When she found the page she had been looking for, she smirked at Clark. "As he handed the drapes over to the grateful man, he reportedly said, 'I couldn't let these beautiful drapes be destroyed.'"
He cleared his throat. "What if they were really beautiful drapes?" Lois only arched an eyebrow in Clark's direction as he straightened his tie. "Well.... That doesn't necessarily mean anything, Lois."
"Would a straight superhero feel up the ass of a playboy heir to a chocolate candy fortune he'd just pulled from stormy seas after his sailboat capsized?"
Clark blushed and adjusted his tie nervously, "Now, now... Superman doesn't sexually harass people, Lois."
"Yes, he did, Clark. However, the man wasn't feeling harassed. After I spoke with him, and believe me - he's not the brightest bulb in the pack, the guy was feeling so not harassed that he actually gave me his phone number to pass along to Superman." She pulled out a small piece of paper which had a phone number and a hand written scrawl across its surface. She handed it to him.
Clark blushed as he read the note, which wasn't exactly eloquent. 'You're hot, give me a call.'
"You think you could give that to Superman, Clark?"
Clark again cleared his throat, decided he couldn't trust his voice anyway, nodded and stuck the paper into the breast pocket of his jacket. He felt defensive and cleared his throat again. "I still don't think he's gay."
"Oh, come on Cleopatra...."
Clark scowled at her. "I am not in denial, Lois. Superman just isn't gay."
"You need more proof?" Lois flipped several pages in her notebook and looked up at Clark. "A rock climber who'd been stuck on the side of a mountain said, and I quote..." She read from the page, "'Superman paused significantly after setting me back on solid ground, almost as if he was waiting for a kiss since our lips were very close together, but I didn't kiss him. So, he heaved a huge sigh and flew away', end quote..."
Clark wistfully remembered how gorgeous the man was, his cheeks fetchingly made rosy by his exposure to the elements, and how close their mouths had come. Flustered, he stammered. "Th...tha... that is not true. Superman is straight, Lois."
"Can't stand the thought the world's biggest hero not playing for the blue team? Not everyone is as straight a shooter as you, Smallville."
An idea struck Clark. He had an argument to counter her claims, and it wouldn't even be lying. "Well, he can't be gay. Superman has never once tried to hit on me, Lois."
Lois actually snorted as she stood up. "And that means what, Clark? He probably knows you're straight, although going from the vast wasteland that is your love life you could do worse than dating Superman."
"Even if I were homosexual, it'd be hard to date Superman because..." Clark nervously adjusted his glasses again, "...well, because he's not gay." Clark was miffed. "And I don't think my love life qualifies as a wasteland, Lois."
"Really?" Lois crossed her arms and looked at Clark from under her thick bangs. "When was the last time you actually had a date where you made it through to dessert? When I tried to set you up with Vivian in sales, she said you disappeared halfway through dinner and you never came back. Then, as if that didn't make her dinner special enough, you didn't even call her later to explain why you'd left..."
Clark thought of the earthquake in Azerbaijan he had to rush to and frowned. "I had an important... uh, source that I had to talk to... he finally returned my call and wanted to ah... meet right away. I had to leave."
Lois gave him a sober look and nodded knowingly. "Okay. A source is a source. I can understand that, but you never apologized to her." She sighed heavily. "Then there was Sarah from accounting. You never even showed up for that date..."
Clark thought of the commuter train that had derailed outside of Detroit... it took hours to safely pull the people from the unstable wreckage. Clark grimaced and tried to think of another lie but Lois spoke again before he had the chance...
"And then there was Christy from distribution and Lindsay from legal and Rachel from marketing..." Lois put her hands on her hips and looked up at Clark expectantly. "Do I really need to go on?"
Clark remembered the earthquake in Mexico City, the foundered oil tanker off the pristine Japanese coastline, the raging wild fires in southern California... He frowned and replied quietly, "No, you've made your point."
"You know, a bouquet of flowers and a box of expensive chocolates combined with some serious groveling can smooth over a lot of these little road bumps you keep hitting on the road to happily-ever-after, Smallville..." She jabbed a sharp punch into Clark's arm and he just barely remembered to pretend it hurt. Wincing, he rubbed his arm. Lois shook her head. "Seriously, you're not going to get laid this way. You might want to consider hitting on Superman. It seems he's as hard up as you for a date.... He actually might not mind that you're a complete scatter brain."
Clark blushed furiously and had no idea what to say to that so he simply grabbed his coat and strode back out.
There was a fire in a high rise apartment building on the other side of town, anyway. He had work to do...
~:::~
Clark had worried about the affect of Lois' article would have on Superman's reputation. He didn't want to be too controversial...
TV news commentators and newspaper editorialists all had a great time talking about Superman's sexual orientation, but surprisingly most were positive. There were the occasional calls for Superman to be deported from the country from the religious right, being gay was apparently un-American for some, but Clark felt good that for most people his sexual orientation, one way or the other, didn't bother them one bit.
There were actually some who liked the idea of Superman being gay. However, it was troubling to Clark that there were some that liked idea way too much...
Probably the strangest after affect of Lois' article was the kind of people he saved changed. It seemed the type of person Clark had to rescue all started to tend toward young, physically fit males. Before the article he usually rescued young females.
Not that Clark even really realized that anything had changed at first. He didn't until he noticed that most of the physically fit, very attractive and well dressed young men he had been saving had been all hitting on him.
Once he realized that, whenever one of the men would hit on him, he would blush furiously and would forget that he's Superman and supposed to talk in a deep, masculine voice that was both comforting and commanding. His voice would crack and his blush would deepen. However, that reaction only made the other men smile at him affectionately and acted to encourage them to just try harder.
That made Clark uncomfortable and he would invariably leave as soon as possible.
The "emergencies" all these men had been having were clearly setups and most were badly faked. Clark still had to rescue them. He couldn't risk the emergency being real and then NOT show up, assuming it had been faked. He shuddered at the thought if he didn't show up for a real crisis, so all Clark could do was give the man a stern lecture on not calling for his help unless there was a desperate need.
Despite some stern comments he'd made in the press about how dangerous staged accidents could be, the fake emergencies happened time and time again. However, one "rescue" really was in a league all to itself.
The gorgeous man he'd saved from a rampaging Pekinese had the foresight to invite the media to record the staged emergency and Superman's rescue. Even Jimmy was there. The photographers and videographers had hidden behind the bushes until after the save. Then, as lens motors whirred and flashes popped, the man handed a very surprised Clark a hugely extravagant bouquet of flowers. Then he had knelt down and asked Clark to marry him. He held out a ring, a huge diamond ring...
Startled, Clark just stared at the flowers and then the ring and then the media and then the man. The man was truly gorgeous and had a lot of guts to turn a marriage proposal into a media circus.
Clark panicked and mumbled thanks for the beautiful flowers and that he appreciated the thought, but the answer had to be no to his proposal... As he flew away, he just looked at the card stuck in among the flowers. The card had the guy's name and phone number and Clark just shook his head.
With a growing sense of dread, he wondered where this was all going to go...
~:::~
It turned out that he didn't have long to wait before he found out.
The man who'd asked Superman to marry him apparently had done it as a publicity stunt for a new reality TV series. The man was the host of the show. Each episode would feature a couple and the sometimes excessive means with which the potential groom would use to ask his girlfriend to marry him.
The video and photos of his proposal had spread all over the internet by the time Clark got home less than an hour later. One of the show's producers had even called Clark that night to ask if he could intercede with Superman to allow the video footage to be used in commercials for the show. However, he gave them a flat no and hung up. He was thankful for caller ID. He didn't answer the dozens of calls from the man when he tried calling back.
In the morning, Clark (well, Superman) had again made the front page, but Perry had selected to publish Jimmy's photo of the guy on one knee with Superman holding the flowers and the man holding up the ring, Clark's face had been flushed and his eyes wide.
He groaned.
He'd had the stupidest look on his face in the photo, like a deer caught in the headlights of semi.
As if the look on his face hadn't been bad enough... The Planet, thanks to Lois' article on the stunt, played up how much Superman had apparently liked the flowers. Also her article reinforced the idea that Big Blue apparently had no one to date (you know, since he was hitting on all those guys) and was so touched by the gift of the flowers.
The next morning, Clark entered the Daily Planet bullpen surprised by a small group of people who had surrounded his desk. He approached and Lois noticed him. She hissed, "Here he comes." The crowd turned to look at him sheepishly as Clark stopped a short distance away and eyed them suspiciously.
"What's going on, Lois?"
"Everyone is wondering who sent them."
Clark was confused as he looked at the crowd that surrounded him. "Sent what?"
Lois stepped to the side and revealed a huge arrangement of red roses. Clark blushed as she smirked at him. "I think you have an admirer... Maybe your love life isn't as big a wasteland as I'd thought." She held out a small envelope.
Hope unexpectedly flared up as he looked at what she held, "What's that?"
"The card."
Clark frowned at her fierce look, "You didn't read it, did you?"
"No, but only because you came in and I didn't have time to run to the kitchen to try and steam it open...." She smiled brightly as he scowled at her, "So, I guess I'll let you do the honors."
Annoyed, Clark snatched the card from her fingers. He ripped open the envelope and as he read the card his stomach clenched. Shamed and angry, his lips became a thin line. He shoved the card back into Lois' hands.
He moved the flowers gently to one side of his desk and sat down as he glowered at his coworkers that still loitered around his desk. He logged into his computer as Lois chuckled and the others reluctantly moved away.
"Oh, Smallville... That's too bad." She placed the card addressed to Superman and its envelope on the desk next to Clark's elbow. "You probably don't stand a chance with Superman now that his love life is looking up..."
~:::~
That first bouquet of flowers had a card that had been signed by a man with an accompanying phone number. The next bouquet came with a card that had a man's name along with an address, with the helpful notation: There is a rooftop garden so it will be easy for you to visit, Superman.
That first day, only two bouquets had arrived. The next day it had been five, and then the following day, ten. The day after that it had been thirty-three and then forty-five and then sixty-two...
They'd originally started to put them all into a conference room and Clark had tried to carry some of them home, saying he would get them to Superman later. He just put them in various places in his apartment. Even though he'd had no intentions of calling the men who'd sent the flowers, although he'd been tempted several times when he'd gotten an especially humorous note, he enjoyed the smell and no one had ever given him flowers before.
And the flowers really brightened up his apartment, but once it was clear that not even Superman (or rather Clark's tiny apartment) could handle all of those flowers, Clark called all the florist shops in town and had them redirect any further flowers to hospitals all over the city. They would just send over the cards to Clark. There were so many, they started to come in large trays like what postal carriers put mail in...
There were so many flowers sent from men all over the world, however, that the hospitals in Metropolis got overwhelmed. Soon the florists started to send the flowers instead to nursing homes and rehab centers and schools and even doctor's offices and churches... Flower shops as far away as Chicago and Gotham sold their inventory to the florists in Metropolis so they could keep up with the demand, but the floral business was definitely booming.
The flower shops started to send Superman thank you cards, chocolates and fruit baskets (they were all out of flowers) out of gratitude.
It had gotten ridiculous.
Clark had been forced to call a press conference as Superman to thank everyone for the thought, but asked that people stop sending him flowers. So, instead Superman started to get cards and letters, all care of Clark at the Daily Planet. All this attention for Superman from gay men worldwide had been depressing.
Superman had all of a sudden become the most eligible gay man in America... No, he was the most eligible gay man on the planet.
Yet Clark couldn't get a date. And, when he wasn't out patrolling, was home alone every Saturday night.
And here are all these gorgeous men, strangers, throwing themselves at Superman, not knowing quiet, geeky Clark was really the same man. Would he get the same attention if people realized he was unattached and looking for love?
He knew the answer to that and it depressed him.
Clark sat at his desk and opened up another card. This man lived in Switzerland and the note said he had a chalet with a beautiful view to the west, very easy for Superman to come and go quickly from his home's multitude of west facing doors and windows. He had enclosed a photo. Clark's eyebrows raised, it wasn't just a chalet. It was a castle tucked into the side of a mountain facing Lake Geneva.
Without even realizing it, he sighed heavily and put it on top of the pile.
He heard a faint sound from Lois and looked over at her. "I don't know why you do it to yourself. You're only going to get further and further into depression seeing how many choices Superman has for potential dates and your love life has completely ground to a halt..." She smiled. "You could suggest he get a post office box or something so you don't have to act as his courier..."
Clark glared at Lois, still angry at her about her most recent article.
About a week after Clark's press conference, Lois had asked for some of the cards and letters that Superman had then been getting. Clark had gladly handed over several handfuls and later he had been very sorry he had.
It turned out that Lois had wanted the cards to do a follow-up to The Advocate article. She had interviewed dozens of men who had sent Superman flowers, letters and cards. What she had intended to be a puff piece about the men pursuing Superman had turned into an exposé on the lonely world of gay men in America and how hard it was to find a nice guy to take home to Mom. It was, apparently, nearly impossible for a gay man to meet his soul mate and Lois, for some reason, had taken it upon herself to reveal the details of their lonely, lovelorn lives to America.
Clark sighed... He didn't have anyone to take home to mom either. It depressed him that Lois' article described almost exactly the details of what passed for his love life. He sadly looked at Lois and sighed again. She was the closest thing he had to a girlfriend and she thought he was a loser.
He idly watched a courier quickly scurry across the bull pen floor as he moved toward Perry's office.... Even without realizing he was doing it, Clark noticed how well the bike messenger's muscular thighs filled out his figure hugging track suit and how tight his ass was as he again sighed, this time heavily. The messenger guy was gorgeous and, Clark was also pretty sure, gay.
He was also pretty sure that he'd never have a chance with him...
The man disappeared into Perry's office, only sparing a quick glance in Clark's direction. It gave him some hope that maybe Gorgeous Bike Messenger Guy might actually like him.
But no one ever really did more than glance at Clark. He was nothing special, but one hint that Superman might be open to romantic overtures and a world full of good looking men were throwing themselves at his feet. Superman's feet, not Clark's.
He considered the fact that maybe Lois was right. His love life was a wasteland and, if it were even possible, he probably should ask Superman out for dinner. He clearly wasn't getting any action any other way, but taking himself out to dinner was just too depressing a thought. He didn't need dinner and romance to get better acquainted with his right hand, after all.
Batman briefly crossed his mind, but he rejected that man as an option. He was sexy as hell, but Bruce had more than a few issues he needed to work out and Clark wasn't sure he'd be up to helping him with those.
Also, he was pretty sure he believed what he'd told Lois. Superman wasn't gay, he wasn't gay, but why on earth did he do some of the things he did if he were straight?
Was he so desperate for physical affection that he'd feel up a waterlogged chocolate candy fortune heir?
Was he so hard up for love that he'd even considered calling some of the thousands of men that had sent Superman post cards and letters and flowers?
Of course none of them would send him, Clark, post cards or letters or flowers so why should he bother?
He wasn't just the flying alien in the suit, he was the geeky guy in glasses too...
Clark's eyes followed Gorgeous Bike Messenger Guy as he'd left Perry's office. He'd actually offered a welcoming smile in Clark's direction as he hurried back toward the elevators. Clark felt a sense of hope as he returned the smile and sat up straighter, but it was only as the guy got closer before he walked past him toward the elevator that Clark realized the smile wasn't for him and he blushed deeply in his profound embarrassment.
Sexy Bike Messenger Guy hadn't been looking at Clark; he had actually been looking at someone behind him. Clark turned to follow the direction of his gaze. Sexy Bike Messenger Guy had been looking at the gossip columnist, an extremely well dressed and extremely trim man who was unashamedly gay...
The man had just looked past him as if he was just another piece of furniture and it depressed him...
Even though blending in was the intent of his disguise, the glasses and the ill-fitting suits, it still hurt. He wanted to be more than just a mild mannered reporter. He wanted to find his own girl, or maybe even a guy, to take home to the farm.
He was very glad he didn't have to brood about that anymore when he heard someone off in the distance scream, "Help, Superman!"
~:::~
The relief that he had something he could do to get his mind off the sorry state of his love life died a quick, yet extremely painful death. It turned out that it had been Lex Luthor's voice he'd heard. He warily approached where Lex was, an abandoned warehouse near the docks, ready for any apparent trap.
Clark searched the warehouse with his x-ray vision and was annoyed when he saw nothing but blue... the walls had been lined with lead. When he entered the warehouse, Lex was being beaten by one of a trio of apparent kidnappers, but Clark hadn't been fooled. None of the goons' guns had been loaded and the guy hitting Lex had been obviously pulling his punches.
He made quick work of them and soon the three men lay unconscious at Lex's feet, and he'd turned their empty guns into crumpled steel balls mostly out of spite. Clark stood and looked at Lex with his arms crossed and an eyebrow arched. He didn't make a move to untie the bald billionaire.
Luthor wore uncharacteristically casual attire. He had on a t-shirt with a string of apparent nonsense letters and numbers on it, jeans, and loafers with no socks.
He growled at Lex. "What are you up to, Luthor?"
Luthor was too glib for Clark to believe that he was in any real danger. "Aren't you going to untie me, Superman?"
He frowned. "I want to find out what's going on here and where you've hidden the kryptonite."
"I don't have any kryptonite, Superman, I swear."
Suspicious, despite the lack of meteor rock, Clark's eyes narrowed. "I know you're up to something..."
Lex tried to act innocent, "I don't know what you mean." Clark didn't buy it.
He leaned down into Lex's personal space and snarled, "You were being held by men wearing thrift store coats yet they have perfect manicures, two hundred dollar hair cuts, Rolex watches, and the one guy pulled his punches as he beat you. He didn't cause even a single bruise. Their guns weren't even loaded and the ropes you're tied with are so loose you could easily free yourself." He stood again and crossed his arms indignantly. "You obviously staged this whole thing."
Lex sniffed and very badly faked being indignant. "I don't know where on earth you got..."
Clark interrupted, in a rare display of rudeness. "And why are you wearing that t-shirt? I don't think I've ever seen you in a t-shirt before..." Clark looked at the nonsense emblazoned across Lex's chest.
2QT2BSTR8
He pointed at the gibberish, "What does that mean anyway?"
"If you don't know, I'm not telling..." Lex sighed as he easily pulled free of the ropes that 'tied' his wrists to the chair and stood. "Okay, are you going to take me to safety now?"
Clark scowled and waved a hand at the men groaning on the floor. "Have those men take you home after they come around." He immediately flew away and could hear Lex softly cursing him as he flew straight up into the sky.
Part two...