Of Words Unspoken and Actions Done, for dictiongodess (part 2)
Martin’s angry.
He’s beyond angry. He’s fucking pissed and he can’t believe that he didn’t see this coming. He really wishes he had because then maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much as it does, but it does and he wants to hit something.
“Martin, calm down.”
“Calm down? You want me to calm down?”
“Yes, please. I’m asking nicely here. Please just listen to me for a second.”
“What were you doing with her?”
“Nothing, okay. I was doing nothing. We were just talking. I know her from one of my AA meetings and she just started working at the office a little while ago. I thought it would be nice to take her to a bar where they serve something other than alcohol, let her get her bearings. That’s all we were doing.”
“You introduced me as you friend Martin.” Martin says.
He wants to believe that Danny wasn’t cheating. It certainly didn’t look like anything more than talking. He’s seen Danny in flirt mode and that hadn’t been it, but there’s nothing else that can explain it.
“She works in the office.”
“So?” Martin says.
“So… she might… I mean she’s going to recognize you and she might…”
“What? Tell someone? Is this what that’s about?”
“I told you that…”
“Yeah, I know you did. I just didn’t think…”
Martin’s head’s spinning and he’s not sure what to think now. He’s not sure what he can say and it feels like he can’t breathe. He needs to get out of here. He needs time to think that doesn’t involve Danny.
“I need to go.” Martin says.
Danny’s hand reaches out to grab him, but Martin evades him.
“I need to go.” Martin repeats.
“Martin don’t leave. Let’s talk about this.”
“No… I need some time to think about this without you around, okay? Because I can’t think straight with you around and… I just need sometime.”
Danny looks so hurt and everything in Martin is screaming to stop. To stay and talk this out with Danny, but he knows that Danny will lay it on thick even though he doesn’t mean to and Martin will just forgive and forget, but he kind of doesn’t want to. At least not right now.
“Will you be back?” Danny asks.
“I don’t know.”
It’s not the best answer, but it’s the best he can give.
*
A week.
It’s been a whole week and Danny still won’t talk to him. Danny doesn’t even return his phone calls and he won’t even talk to Martin when they’re in the office or on a case together. In fact, he goes out of his way to make sure they’re never paired up together.
Jack frowns when he does it, but doesn’t ask because Jack doesn’t really want to know. Plausible deniability and all that and even if it isn’t technically against office policy, Martin is related to Victor Fitzgerald and when good old dad does find out about his son’s big gay romance, Jack’s smart enough to not want to get in the middle of it.
So he doesn’t say anything when Danny goes off on his own or partner up with Viv or Sam. He just nods and Martin wants to say something, but he doubts Jack would let them work together even if he did after the kissing fiasco.
Which is why Martin finds himself paired up with Sam on their latest case of a missing real estate agent instead of staring at Danny’s head meaningfully hoping that his stare has the power to get Danny to start talking.
“Ever think about moving?” Sam asks as they go through Lance Hamilton’s house.
It’s kind of plain, steer horns not withstanding and, even though Martin’s no interior decorator, even he knows those are hideous. It’s almost like it’s a house he’s getting ready to sell rather than one he already lives in.
“Not here.”
“Oh, I know, but… anywhere. I mean you and Danny…”
“Samantha, I don’t quite think Danny and I are at the stage in our relationship.” Martin says.
Truth be told, he’s not really sure which stage of their relationship they are in. He’s not even sure they still have a relationship. Danny refuses to talk to him about the whole thing and it’s been a week.
Martin’s starting to think it’s Danny’s way of telling him it’s over, but then some times he’ll see Danny staring at him, looking confused and like he wants, but Danny never says anything. Martin has already tried talking to him. It’s Danny’s turn to come to him now.
It’s probably stupid to think that way, but Martin’s not sure what else he can do. Every time he tries to talk to Danny, Danny walks away.
“I can see it.”
“See what?”
“The two of you, living together.”
“We don’t exactly act like a couple around you.”
“That doesn’t matter. I can still see it. It’s in the body language, Martin. Besides I think Danny’s had feelings for you for a really long time.”
“He doesn’t act like it.” Martin mutters.
Sam smiles at him, hand clasping onto his shoulder and she shakes him a little bit.
“Try not listening to what he says so much.” She says.
Martin frowns. He’s never known Sam to be cryptic, but that answer would give Egyptian hieroglyphics a run for their money. He thinks it’s probably something she read in Cosmo once.
“That’s helpful.”
*
“She’s really not your type?” Martin asks.
They’re at Danny’s, lying in Danny’s bed. After a week or so of not talking to each other Danny had apologized for his behavior and had said that he’d try harder, but that everything is still really complicated and he’s just trying to sort through it.
So Martin had accepted his invitation for dinner and a game knowing full well it would lead to other things as well and not really caring.
“Who?”
“The American Goddess.”
“Well considering.” Danny says motioning between the two of them.
Martin rolls his eyes.
“I’ve got it on good authority that you’ve had sex with women. That you’ve had whole relationships with women. You can’t tell me that someone that beautiful isn’t your type.”
“Martin, she was an emotional train wreck. She is an emotional train wreck. We know this for a fact.”
“Okay so maybe not her specifically, but someone pretty like that. Long legs and nice hair. You can’t tell me you’re not attracted to that.”
Danny shakes his head.
“Yeah I guess. You’re not attracted to that type.”
Martin frowns.
“I’ve never… well I mean… I’ve dated women, but it was more to make my parents happy than anything else. I’ve never really thought about it.”
Danny looks at him like he’s sprouted another head and Martin starts to feel a little self-conscious.
“You mean you’re not attracted to women at all?”
Martin bites his lip and lets out a breath. He’s never really had this discussion with Danny. Martin would rather not know about all the women Danny’s slept with or dated, but he guesses that it was bound to come out sooner or later.
“Not really.”
Danny looks taken aback.
“I thought you were.”
“I can appreciate when a woman is beautiful or good looking, but that doesn’t mean attraction.”
“Huh.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“No, it’s not. I wouldn’t be here if that bothered me. I just… thought you were.”
Martin squirms in Danny’s embrace. He hopes Danny will let the subject drop even though Martin’s the one that brought it up.
He’s not even sure why he had. The case is over; they found their victim even though she’d been in pretty bad shape. Martin can’t really blame her though. She’d been through a lot in her life that she was bound to be a little messed up.
If anything Martin felt sorry for her and, considering Danny’s comments, he’d been surprised to see that Danny seemed to feel sorry for her too if the way he told off that guy was any indication.
“You’re right though. It’s not a big deal.” Danny says.
“Great. I just… it’s kind of sad. How she thought so little of herself.”
“Yeah, it is. But being pretty doesn’t change that. There are plenty of women out there that are beautiful and they doubt themselves just like she did.”
“Yeah, I know, you said as much.” Martin mutters.
Danny smiles.
“I don’t agree with the way that guy treated her. The guy’s a bastard. I’d never treat anyone like that.”
Martin has a lot of things he can say to that, none that would help their situation and they’d only end up fighting again. Martin doesn’t want to fight, despite how angry he still feels with Danny.
If it makes him pathetic, then he’s willing to be a little pathetic. There’s something here with Danny that Martin hasn’t felt before with anyone and he’s still not willing to let that go even if it means a few lies here and there.
So instead he just smiles and shakes his head.
“Yeah. I know.”
*
Viv picks up her phone after the second ring.
“Hello Martin.” She says pleasantly.
Martin still can’t believe she’s sick. He still can’t believe that she needs major open heart surgery. He remembers just a week ago she had looked okay. She had walked around and been her usual confident self.
But she is sick and she does need surgery and Martin feels like he should say something, do something because she’s always been there for him when he needed it.
“Hey Viv. How’s it going? Bored out of your mind yet?” Martin says jokingly.
He hears her laugh over the connection and Martin can’t help but smile back at her.
“Yeah, well, I never thought I’d miss the tedious stuff like going over DMV photos and credit card reports.”
“Trust me, you say that now, but if you were here looking through the mess I am, you’d eat your words. There’s nothing here. No social, records or bank accounts. It’s like this girl is a ghost.”
“Just keep looking. She’s out there. They’re always out there.” She says, her voice taking on a sad tone and Martin can sympathize with her.
It’s part of their job.
“Well, look I really called to tell you about this doctor my dad knows. Apparently he’s supposed to be the best cardiologist on the east coast.”
“Trust me Martin, I’ve gotten a second opinion. The other doctor I saw agrees with Dr. Marsh. I’m passed the diagnostic stage.”
“Well… okay… I mean… it didn’t hurt to try. And if you need anything…”
“Martin, is that the only reason you called.”
Martin frowns.
“Yeah, I just wanted to see how you were.”
He hears her sigh, long and disappointed and Martin’s confused.
“Viv?”
“I know you and Danny are fighting.”
Martin’s eyes widen and he looks around even though it’s stupid and he knows no one else heard because he’s on the phone and it’s kind of impossible for anyone else to hear.
“What do you mean?”
“I saw Danny come in. After the Brian Stone case. And I heard what happened at the scene. I tried talking to him about it…”
“But he was Mister Closed Off.” Martin finishes.
Viv hums.
“Yup. Danny’s a really private person.”
“He opens up to you.”
“He opens up to you too. You just don’t know it.”
“He won’t talk to me about this one, Viv. I’m not even sure we’re still…”
Martin stops talking because he doesn’t want to get into this on the phone, not at the office. It’s just too much to deal with and Martin hates that it’s gotten this deep, that he’s fallen this much and they’ve never even talked about what they’re doing.
“You’re still Martin. Trust me. Danny… he may not say it, but he does care about you. A lot. He’s just not… he’s not used to it.”
“Viv I don’t know if I can… I’d like to know that we’re…”
“Trust me, sweetie. He’s not going to let you go. He just needs some time to realize that.”
*
“Do you think it’s a good idea to send Danny?” Martin asks.
He feels kind of terrible for bringing it up, but he’s kind of worried. Undercover can be scary. It can lead to people being dead or at the very least injured pretty bad. He doesn’t have any personal experience with it, but he’s been in on enough of the operations to know that some times they don’t always go according to plan.
“He’s the only one that can do it. I can’t send Viv, not when she has a family. They don’t allow people with families to be part of an undercover operation. You know that. And you don’t exactly look the part.” Jack says.
He can’t really say anything to that because it’s the truth. Danny would fit the part more and he seems pretty eager to catch the people responsible for Colleen McGrath’s disappearance.
Jack seems to think that’s end of discussion and Martin turns to Danny’s desk. Danny’s looking a bit pensive and Martin knows he probably looks worried.
“It’s going to be fine Martin.”
“I know it’s just… we had plans for Wednesday night.” Martin says a bit lamely.
Danny smiles.
“It’s going to be fine Martin.” Danny repeats.
“You’re not worried?” Martin asks.
“Well I’m not exactly jumping for joy, but Jack’s right. I’m the only one that would be suitable for the job what with Sam being on leave. And besides… I want to catch these guys.” Danny says with determination in his voice.
“I just don’t want you to get hurt.” Martin says.
Danny smiles.
“I’m not going to get hurt okay. It’s going to be…”
“Fine, yeah, I know you said that already.”
Danny’s smile gets bigger and Martin watches as he gets up from his desk and walks over to Martin’s. He leans against the cubical wall and frowns.
“Nothing is going to happen to me, okay. And, while it’s very cute that you’re worried, I’d rather you be more focused on finding these guys than about me being safe. I can handle myself. I’d be more worried about me killing myself out of boredom.”
Martin smiles.
“Well we can’t have that.”
*
“What are you doing here? It’s like 5 in the morning.”
Not that he’s complaining, but it is odd to see Danny standing in his doorway looking like he hasn’t slept in hours.
“Linda’s kid won’t shut up and I was trying to study.” Danny says holding up a bunch of books that he’s got bundled in his arms.
“So you thought, why not come to Martin’s, the guy I’ve been avoiding for the past two weeks.” Martin says.
But even as he says it Danny’s pushing into his apartment like he belongs there and he makes a beeline for the big recliner that Martin doesn’t even like, but hasn’t been able to get rid of.
Danny thinks it’s comfortable and he knows that it’s pathetic but Martin likes to be the cause of Danny’s comfort. Just like he’s got some expensive hair gel in his bathroom and 2 percent milk in his refrigerator. The recliner stays because Danny likes it.
“I haven’t been avoiding you. I’ve been busy. There’s a bar exam at the end of the month which is only two weeks away.”
“We haven’t talked since that night.”
Danny’s already got his books open and he looks at Martin through his eyelashes and Martin wants to punch him for getting in so deep that Martin can’t even complain too much that he’s here because he wants Danny to be here. He doesn’t even care about the reason.
Martin thinks this is what falling must feel like without the hard hit to the ground.
“I’ve been busy.”
“You said that, but that doesn’t explain why we’ve barely spoken a few words to each other. We work together.”
“Martin…”
“Fine, you don’t want to talk about it. We won’t talk about it.” Martin says.
He picks up one of Danny’s books from Danny’s lap and looks it over.
“’Constitutional conflicts. "Grossman's questions & answers of the New York bar exam.”’"
“What are you doing?”
“Quizzing you.”
“I’m not ready.”
“It’s a pop quiz.”
“Martin.”
“Come on, I know you know this stuff. You don’t have to go over it.”
Danny makes another lunge at the book in Martin’s hand, but Martin tries to keep it away, arm reaching as high as he can and Danny pushes forward, books tumbling out of his lap and he puts too much strength into it.
He pushes too hard and he’s tumbling on top of Martin and onto the floor, book crushing between them.
“Danny.” Martin says, voice a little breathy and he looks up and sees Danny on top of him, eyes a bit wide.
He licks his lips and he doesn’t have time to say anything else before Danny’s leaning down and kissing him, lips crashing against his own and hands touching everywhere that they can touch and Martin’s frozen for just a second before his lips snap into action and he’s kissing Danny back, just as desperate and needy.
Danny’s lips move from his and trail down his jaw and to his neck and he can feel Danny’s hands under his shirt and on his skin and he feels too hot and he wants too much.
His skin buzzes and he wants Danny’s skin against his and for a second he almost doesn’t recognize the vibration at first, but then Danny pulls away and Martin tries to drag him back, tries to get that heat again, but Danny’s sitting up.
“Fuck. It’s Sylvia.” He says.
“Answer it.” Martin says, his voice hoarser than it should be.
“Yeah, you’re right.” Danny says as he answers it.
He moves away from Martin and suddenly it’s like the whole incident hadn’t happened and Martin watches as Danny’s face gets more and more distressed till he’s hanging up, abrupt nod and he looks over at Martin, eyes a bit helpless.
“It’s Rafi.”
*
“What are we doing here, Danny?”
Danny lifts his head a bit from Martin’s chest and looks up at him.
“You’re here keeping me company because I gotta pretend like I’m some poor worker guy looking to make a few extra bucks anyway I can and Jack says that means no television. Which means no Knicks. Sam picked a hell of a time to have a broken arm. Jack’s just lucky that it wasn’t baseball season.”
Martin sighs and shakes his head.
“That’s very tragic for you and I wasn’t talking literally.”
“Then what are you talking about?”
“I mean this. This relationship not a relationship. I just…”
“What?”
“I like you.”
“I got that.”
“And I’m not… I don’t think about anyone else. I don’t see anyone else.”
“I don’t either.”
Martin tries not to let the relief show on his face. He knows that Danny isn’t seeing anyone else; he really doesn’t have the time to see anyone else. Nowadays, if they’re not working then they’re at each other’s places.
“What’s really bothering you?” Danny asks.
Martin sighs and watches as Danny moves away putting some distance between the two of them.
“It’s just… the secrecy.”
“You said you were fine with it.”
“I am.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“I’d like to know what we’re keeping secret.”
Danny frowns and Martin almost wishes he hadn’t said anything because Danny looks utterly confused and some crappy hotel room is not the place to be having this kind of conversation especially when Danny’s undercover and Martin’s just supposed to be the pizza delivery boy.
“I thought we were having a relationship. You know… all that sappy stuff.”
“A relationship?”
“We’re dating.”
“Really?”
Danny laughs.
“You seem surprised by that. We’ve been on dates, Martin. Out to restaurants and clubs.”
“Where you freak out if anyone we know sees us.”
“That was one time.”
“One time is a time too many Danny. I just… I need to know that someday you’re going to get over whatever it is keeping you from keeping this known.”
Danny takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair.
“Someday, okay. Someday I’ll get comfortable with the idea.”
It’s the best Martin can hope for, at least right now and it’s something he can live with. Danny’s promising him someday and Danny’s not someone who would go back on his promises. Martin knows this.
“Okay.”
Danny smiles that charming smile and leans in, brushing his lips against Martin’s.
“I should go.” Martin says.
“Stay.”
“I’ve stayed too long. Jack’s going to be pissed if he finds out I stayed this long.”
“So he doesn’t find out.”
Martin shakes his head. He’d stay too, if Danny asked seriously. If Danny had been serious about Martin staying and them having sex in this dingy hotel room or just Martin staying, but Danny knows the consequences.
“Rain check?” Martin asks.
Danny smiles.
“Of course.”
*
It’s been a heck of a day.
He hadn’t been expecting that one call from Sylvia to turn into a case, but it has and he feels a bit helpless. He’d fully expected Jack to pair Danny up with Sam on this one, to keep the two of them separate like he has been for the past two weeks, but Martin hadn’t even needed to ask to be let in on this one. Jack just assumed he’d be helping Danny at.
And he’s been trying to. Being there for Danny like this is a lot easier than talking about their weird relationship. Danny’s actually talking to him, relaying anecdotes about his life and Martin’s there, absorbing whatever he can and he’d call himself pathetic if he hadn’t been so desperate for it.
They’ve been working it though and Martin gets a glimpse of how good they are together. Not that he hadn’t already known that, but it’s been some time and it feels normal, like nothing happened before.
But then Danny will look at him, something unreadable in his eyes and the air will shift and Martin will feel that chasm again.
“Do you think I need to pull him off the case?” Jack asks.
“He said he can handle it.” Martin says.
“I know what he said. Now I’m asking you if it’s the truth or not.”
Martin purses his lips and shuts his eyes tightly. He keeps thinking about how Danny had been so ready to beat the crap out of Luis Vega. How he’d seen that angry shocked look in Danny’s eyes and everything in him is screaming to tell Jack to take Danny off the case because it is too much. It’s practically killing Danny.
But he knows if he tells Jack that, Danny will find out and whatever ground they’re making, even if it’s none, will be lost because Danny will be pissed. Danny will be beyond pissed and there’s something in Martin telling him that Danny needs this. That Danny needs to see this out till the end.
“He’s fine.”
Jack doesn’t look like he’s buying it for a second, but he just folds his hands and straightens his shoulders.
“There’s a reason I let you work this case with him.”
“What’s that?”
“Because I know, whatever’s going on between you and Danny right now, and I know there’s something even if you don’t want to admit it. But the reason I let you work this with him is because I know you’d tell me if you thought he couldn’t handle it. Because you care about him. So I’m going to trust that what you’re telling me right now is the truth.”
Martin swallows and nods. He takes a deep breath and he can’t believe that Jack’s trusting him this much, that he’s trusting Martin’s judgment this much, but he thinks Jack may have a point. Martin likes to think if he knew for a fact that Danny was going to go off the deep end because of this, he’d tell Jack so Danny wouldn’t self destruct.
“Don’t make me regret it, Martin.”
“I won’t.”
*
“Danny.”
Martin’s never been more terrified in his life and it scares him that he’s like this. He feels like puking or something and he tries to keep his hands steady because he needs to untie Danny. Danny who’s bleeding from cuts on his face and he looks so beat up that Martin wants to be out there shooting at the bad guys, but Jack had told him to untie Danny.
“Martin.”
His voice doesn’t sound slurred so Martin takes that as a good thing. He’s not beat too badly. Danny’s a tough guy apparently.
“It’s going to be okay. Jack’s going after the bad guys. See. I told him this was a bad idea.”
“Yeah, well, you can gloat after we’re done taking me to the hospital.” Danny says sarcastically.
Martin lets out a laugh and hurries with the last of Danny’s bindings. He doesn’t know how long he has until those guys come back and try to shoot him and Danny and he likes their odds better with Danny not being a stationary target.
“You’re going to be fine. Just a few cuts and bruises. Nothing that’s going to mar up your face.” Martin says as he pulls the last of the rope away from Danny.
He hands Danny his extra gun turns around to survey the area. He just wants Danny to protected in case Jack needs back up.
“How’d you find me?” Danny groans.
Martin turns his head a bit to see Danny leaning against the chair.
“Are your legs hurt?”
“Yeah. Nothing’s broken though.”
“Good. Can you stand?”
“Yeah. If I need to.”
“We’re going to make it out of this.”
“Of course we are.”
“Yeah. I’ve shot all the bad guys.”
Martin tears his eyes away from Danny to see Jack standing there, pissed off look on his faced, but Martin guesses that’s for the bad guys and not for them. Martin had been just doing what Jack had told him to do.
“Great.” Martin says.
“Yeah. The ambulance should be here in a little bit.” Jack says gruffly.
“That’s good.” Martin says.
He turns to Danny and helps him up. Danny leans on him a little bit, weight mostly on his right like his left side hurts and Martin wishes he could bundle him up and keep him close. He certainly doesn’t want to go to the hospital where they’re going to want to keep Danny overnight for observations and Martin’s not going to have a good enough excuse to stay without it looking weird.
“Stop thinking so loudly. It’s hurting me more than I already am.” Danny whispers.
“I can’t help it.”
“I’m going to be fine. At most a few broken ribs.”
“At most.” Martin says.
He doesn’t mean for it to sound so hysterical, but it does and Martin can’t help the slight cringe that comes after his words. He feels Danny’s fingers graze his stomach, just slightly and Martin wishes that just that wasn’t enough to keep him from going crazy, but it is.
“I’m going to be fine.”
“I know. I don’t think I could handle it if you weren’t.” Martin mutters.
Danny smiles.
“Oh, you say the sweetest things. Just for that I’m going to let them release me to you early.”
Martin shakes his head.
“Yay, lucky me.”
*
They’re in the hospital adrenaline finally reaching low levels and leaving the both of them a bit shell shocked, but besides that, everything’s fine. Rafi’s going to life, although he’s going to be facing some legal actions, but the main thing is that he’s alive.
“You don’t… you don’t have to wait here. You can go home. You gotta be tired man. I mean I woke you up…”
Danny trails off and he bites his lip like he’s remembering exactly what happened this morning and he doesn’t want to think about it right now.
“If it’s all the same, I think I’ll stay. I want to make sure you’re okay.”
Danny frowns.
“Well at least sit then.” Danny says.
“You first.” Martin mutters.
Danny’s frown turns into a pout and, any other time, Martin would really want to kiss him because no one can resist a pouting Danny. But he settles for standing in front of Danny and doing the meaningful stare thing.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“No, you want to say something. I can feel it when you look at me. You keep looking at me like that.”
“Well maybe if you would just talk to me instead of doing this weird avoiding thing where neither of us talk about what’s going on and both of us are miserable then maybe I wouldn’t stare at you so much.”
“Yeah, right. You just like staring at me, Fitzie.” Danny says with a smirk.
“Damn it, Danny, now’s not the time to act stupid.”
“So now I’m stupid.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then what are you saying.”
“I just want you to talk to me. You know, like normal people do. I hate playing this game with you.”
“I’m not playing a game.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not!” Danny yells.
Some of the hospital staff looks over and Danny looks a bit surprised, like he hadn’t meant to say that so loudly and Martin reaches out. He bites his lip and thinks about it for a second before he grabs Danny’s hand and takes it in his own.
“Danny…”
“I’m sorry I just… thank you.” Danny says softly, eyes focused on their hands.
Martin frowns. He thought for sure Danny was going to say something more, going to talk about this… thing between them and how utterly screwed up it is and why.
But Danny looks so sad and Martin gets why. He’d been there for the whole thing and he thinks he understands Danny a bit more because of it. Because they’re standing in a hospital after a really long search for Rafi that ended with a trip in an ambulance because of some pretty powerful coke and that would make anyone a bit shocky. Danny’s twisting his hands and Martin thinks he’d be talking a million words a minute if he wasn’t frowning so much.
So Martin does the only thing he can. He leans in, hands falling into place at Danny’s side and he almost moans at the feeling of touching Danny again, even if it is over clothes.
Danny makes a small noise in the back of his throat that could be a whimper, but Martin doesn’t say anything about it. He just leans in and kisses Danny like he always has, like he wants to for as long as Danny will let him and Danny just leans into it, soft broken kind of noise emitting from his lips and his hands press hard into Martin’s forearms.
When Martin pulls away, he can’t help looking at Danny’s lips, kiss swollen and wet and he wants to lean in and kiss him all over again, but Danny’s talking, saying something and Martin knows it’s important to listen.
“I’m sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does.”
“Well, yeah, okay it does, but you can tell me later. Right now…”
“Right now I just watched my brother try and kill himself and I realized that I’m a mess. Not that I didn’t already know that, but I just… I thought if I could kept it together, if I could keep my distance from Rafi and everything that I could pretend that that part of me… that I wasn’t really one wrong step away.”
Martin’s not sure what any of this has to do with what’s going on with them, but it’s important to Danny and that’s all that matters.
“But I’m always one wrong step away, even without the constant reminder of it and with you…”
“With me what?”
“You make me forget about it and remember it at the same time.”
Martin frowns and Danny shakes his head.
“I’m not saying this right.” Danny says.
“It’s okay. Just… go slow.”
“When I’m with you… sometimes I can’t believe that I’m with you. And it makes me feel like… it makes me feel like I can be me. That you know me and you’re okay with it despite how… utterly fucked I am.”
“You’re not utterly fucked.”
“Fitzie, I’m pretty messed up.”
“But you’ve changed. You’ve grown. You’re a different person.”
“But my past…”
“Is your past and yeah it’s not a pretty one, but you’ve… you’re a strong person Danny. You’re Danny Taylor.” Martin says, small smile on his face.
“Alvarez. My real last name is Alvarez.”
“I know that.”
“I don’t really know who Danny Taylor is.”
“Yes you do.”
“Martin…”
“Danny, just because you made some mistakes in your past, that doesn’t define you. Look at what you’ve done with your life.”
“But it’s not… I mean we’re different Martin. We may have arrived at the same place, but we’re different and I’m sure when people see us, people at the office probably think that I’m just trying to get ahead or something.”
“Danny no one thinks that.”
“It wasn’t just that though. It was… it was nice, just the two of us, no one else knowing.”
It’s all starting to slip into place, Danny’s reasons for keeping them a secret and they have nothing to do with the fact that Danny’s afraid of getting outed like he’d tried to play off. Martin hadn’t thought that was the reason anyway.
All of it’s about Danny and him feeling insecure which isn’t something that had crossed Martin’s mind originally because it’s Danny and Danny’s Mister Confident, more so than Martin ever could be.
“It’s still just us, Danny. Just because people know…”
“I thought it would change.”
“It doesn’t have to.”
“But I thought it would and that’s why I…”
“Agent Taylor.”
Martin and Danny look to the side and see one of the cops that they’d had to call in for this one standing a few feet away. Martin expects Danny to pull away, but Danny just stands there and holds on to Martin like if he lets go he’s going to pass out or something.
“Your brother’s being processed, rules and regulations. I suggest you come down to the precinct with a lawyer and some bail money.”
The cop doesn’t say anything more. He doesn’t even give them a funny stare and Martin sighs in relief because they just don’t need that right now.
“I need to go to Sylvia. I need to tell her what’s going on.”
“Okay.”
“But someone should go with Rafi. Just to be sure that he’s okay. I mean I trust these guys, but…”
“Danny, I’ll go with your brother. You go tell Sylvia what’s going on and you can meet us there.”
“Martin.”
“Shh.” Martin says as he leans in to kiss Danny softly.
“It’s gonna be okay.” Martin whispers against Danny’s lips.
“Yeah, yeah I think it might be.”
*
He catches Danny by himself for once, not busy talking with other people or putting up Christmas decorations and he smiles as Danny hands him another cup of punch.
“Enjoying the party, Fitzie.”
“As a matter of fact I am. I can’t believe we didn’t have a case all day. That’s just…”
“Unheard of, yes, it’s unheard of. Lucky for us though, right.”
“Yeah lucky day for us. Not so lucky for Jack.” Martin says.
He can’t see it but he knows that there’s glass pieces scattered all over the hallway to the interrogation rooms. He’s glad that none of the other agents have made a big deal about it, though there are whisperings going on throughout the party. Martin’s trying his hardest not to listen to any of them.
“Yeah it sucks. Like I said, that lawyer his wife got is a bastard.”
“And yet you’re trying to become one.”
Danny smiles.
“Not a divorce lawyer.” He says fake shudder passing through his body.
“I figured as much. But Taylor and Associates, right.”
Danny just smiles.
“It’s always been a dream of mine.”
“Don’t understand why you’d want to give up this job.”
But he can see Danny as a lawyer, charming and confident in the court room, making you believe that his client is innocent. He just hopes that if Danny decides to become a lawyer, he’s not on the other side of the fence.
“Did I ever tell you how adorable you look in this hat? Very festive of you, Martin.” Danny says.
Martin rolls his eyes.
“Only a million times.”
“Well you do.”
“Yeah and you looked pretty good up there putting up the decorations on the tree.”
“You were just staring at my ass.” Danny whispers.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that.” Martin says jokingly.
Danny smiles.
“You don’t have to. I’ve got you figured out.”
Martin shakes his head and keeps on smiling and Danny keeps smiling back at him.
He takes a drink of his punch and he watches as something changes in Danny’s expression. His eyes get softer and his smile gets wider and Martin frowns at him.
“What?”
“Nothing I was just… I hope we don’t end up like that.
“End up like what?”
“So uncivil to each other we have to talk through lawyers.”
“Well considering we can never get married or anything like that, I’m thinking that the lawyers thing won’t happen.” Martin says.
Danny rolls his eyes.
“You know what I mean. They were in love, you know. I mean I was here before Sam. I saw them back when they were still happy and I never thought…”
“Sometimes you don’t see these things coming.”
“I know. I just… I know we’re not exactly winning any couple of the year awards here and I know that’s mostly my fault…”
“Danny…”
“No, let me finish here. This is important because I’ve… the way I feel about you… I’ve felt that way for a long time and I just… I need some time getting used to it you know.”
Danny pauses for a second before continuing and Martin would like nothing more than to reach out and hold Danny close, but he can’t. Not in front of everyone in the office and not without Danny freaking out about it.
“I just want you to know that you do… that I do…”
Martin stops him, puts his hand over Danny’s as subtly as he possibly can and smiles at Danny.
“I get it, okay.”
“I love you.”
Martin’s a little shocked even though he knew Danny was going to go there. He hadn’t expected Danny to say it during the office Christmas party; he hadn’t really been expecting Danny to say it.
He knows, even without the verbal confirmation and it’s been enough.
“And I just… I need you to… I’m not being easy, I know that. I just… I’m hoping you can bare with me here.”
“Don’t worry. I have a feeling I’m in this for the long haul.”
And the smile Danny gives him is worth the whole secrecy thing. If it means that he can make Danny this happy, then he’ll keep quite as long as Danny needs him too.
“Oh and I love you too.” Martin says.
“Yeah I kind of figured.”
*
“This feels weird.” Martin says.
Danny smiles over at him, fingers trailing the rim of his glass.
“You wanted me to be here.”
“Yes I did. And I’m glad you’re here.”
Danny looks over at him, bright smile on his face and Martin thinks about all the crap and miscommunication it’s taken to get here, happy and together and at Martin’s cousin’s wedding.
It’s sort of the final nail in the coffin because this means they’re something big. This means that they might start thinking about moving in together and going to family for the holidays and just generally being together and Martin thinks about all the relationships he’s had before Danny and realizes it’s never gotten to this point with any of them. Not really anyway.
And it had been hard and Martin’s always had this idea that relationships, if they’re meant to be, should be easy. He’s not sure where he got that idea from, but he’s pretty sure it’s not true because nothing had been easy with Danny and Martin still wouldn’t give it up for anything.
“So what’s the problem?”
“They’re staring.”
“Of course they are. But you’re the one that said you wanted this.”
“I did. I do. My cousin doesn’t care.”
She really doesn’t. She’d been so happy to see Danny there and Danny had just smiled and hugged her and had told her that she looked so beautiful. And he’d hugged Jamie too and had been kind of adorable with Ava and had played it cool with his Uncle Roger.
“Neither does your uncle. Although your parents…”
“Are glaring at you like you’re something that’s stuck to their shoe. Yeah, I noticed. Aren’t you glad you came?”
He turns to see Danny staring at him, eyes soft and kind of happy looking and he watches as Danny takes his hand away from his drink and brushes it over Martin’s until Martin gets it and he takes Danny’s hand in his own.
Danny’s smile gets wider and squeezes Martin’s hand.
“Actually… I kind of am.”
Martin smiles.
“Yeah, so am I.”
He’s beyond angry. He’s fucking pissed and he can’t believe that he didn’t see this coming. He really wishes he had because then maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much as it does, but it does and he wants to hit something.
“Martin, calm down.”
“Calm down? You want me to calm down?”
“Yes, please. I’m asking nicely here. Please just listen to me for a second.”
“What were you doing with her?”
“Nothing, okay. I was doing nothing. We were just talking. I know her from one of my AA meetings and she just started working at the office a little while ago. I thought it would be nice to take her to a bar where they serve something other than alcohol, let her get her bearings. That’s all we were doing.”
“You introduced me as you friend Martin.” Martin says.
He wants to believe that Danny wasn’t cheating. It certainly didn’t look like anything more than talking. He’s seen Danny in flirt mode and that hadn’t been it, but there’s nothing else that can explain it.
“She works in the office.”
“So?” Martin says.
“So… she might… I mean she’s going to recognize you and she might…”
“What? Tell someone? Is this what that’s about?”
“I told you that…”
“Yeah, I know you did. I just didn’t think…”
Martin’s head’s spinning and he’s not sure what to think now. He’s not sure what he can say and it feels like he can’t breathe. He needs to get out of here. He needs time to think that doesn’t involve Danny.
“I need to go.” Martin says.
Danny’s hand reaches out to grab him, but Martin evades him.
“I need to go.” Martin repeats.
“Martin don’t leave. Let’s talk about this.”
“No… I need some time to think about this without you around, okay? Because I can’t think straight with you around and… I just need sometime.”
Danny looks so hurt and everything in Martin is screaming to stop. To stay and talk this out with Danny, but he knows that Danny will lay it on thick even though he doesn’t mean to and Martin will just forgive and forget, but he kind of doesn’t want to. At least not right now.
“Will you be back?” Danny asks.
“I don’t know.”
It’s not the best answer, but it’s the best he can give.
*
A week.
It’s been a whole week and Danny still won’t talk to him. Danny doesn’t even return his phone calls and he won’t even talk to Martin when they’re in the office or on a case together. In fact, he goes out of his way to make sure they’re never paired up together.
Jack frowns when he does it, but doesn’t ask because Jack doesn’t really want to know. Plausible deniability and all that and even if it isn’t technically against office policy, Martin is related to Victor Fitzgerald and when good old dad does find out about his son’s big gay romance, Jack’s smart enough to not want to get in the middle of it.
So he doesn’t say anything when Danny goes off on his own or partner up with Viv or Sam. He just nods and Martin wants to say something, but he doubts Jack would let them work together even if he did after the kissing fiasco.
Which is why Martin finds himself paired up with Sam on their latest case of a missing real estate agent instead of staring at Danny’s head meaningfully hoping that his stare has the power to get Danny to start talking.
“Ever think about moving?” Sam asks as they go through Lance Hamilton’s house.
It’s kind of plain, steer horns not withstanding and, even though Martin’s no interior decorator, even he knows those are hideous. It’s almost like it’s a house he’s getting ready to sell rather than one he already lives in.
“Not here.”
“Oh, I know, but… anywhere. I mean you and Danny…”
“Samantha, I don’t quite think Danny and I are at the stage in our relationship.” Martin says.
Truth be told, he’s not really sure which stage of their relationship they are in. He’s not even sure they still have a relationship. Danny refuses to talk to him about the whole thing and it’s been a week.
Martin’s starting to think it’s Danny’s way of telling him it’s over, but then some times he’ll see Danny staring at him, looking confused and like he wants, but Danny never says anything. Martin has already tried talking to him. It’s Danny’s turn to come to him now.
It’s probably stupid to think that way, but Martin’s not sure what else he can do. Every time he tries to talk to Danny, Danny walks away.
“I can see it.”
“See what?”
“The two of you, living together.”
“We don’t exactly act like a couple around you.”
“That doesn’t matter. I can still see it. It’s in the body language, Martin. Besides I think Danny’s had feelings for you for a really long time.”
“He doesn’t act like it.” Martin mutters.
Sam smiles at him, hand clasping onto his shoulder and she shakes him a little bit.
“Try not listening to what he says so much.” She says.
Martin frowns. He’s never known Sam to be cryptic, but that answer would give Egyptian hieroglyphics a run for their money. He thinks it’s probably something she read in Cosmo once.
“That’s helpful.”
*
“She’s really not your type?” Martin asks.
They’re at Danny’s, lying in Danny’s bed. After a week or so of not talking to each other Danny had apologized for his behavior and had said that he’d try harder, but that everything is still really complicated and he’s just trying to sort through it.
So Martin had accepted his invitation for dinner and a game knowing full well it would lead to other things as well and not really caring.
“Who?”
“The American Goddess.”
“Well considering.” Danny says motioning between the two of them.
Martin rolls his eyes.
“I’ve got it on good authority that you’ve had sex with women. That you’ve had whole relationships with women. You can’t tell me that someone that beautiful isn’t your type.”
“Martin, she was an emotional train wreck. She is an emotional train wreck. We know this for a fact.”
“Okay so maybe not her specifically, but someone pretty like that. Long legs and nice hair. You can’t tell me you’re not attracted to that.”
Danny shakes his head.
“Yeah I guess. You’re not attracted to that type.”
Martin frowns.
“I’ve never… well I mean… I’ve dated women, but it was more to make my parents happy than anything else. I’ve never really thought about it.”
Danny looks at him like he’s sprouted another head and Martin starts to feel a little self-conscious.
“You mean you’re not attracted to women at all?”
Martin bites his lip and lets out a breath. He’s never really had this discussion with Danny. Martin would rather not know about all the women Danny’s slept with or dated, but he guesses that it was bound to come out sooner or later.
“Not really.”
Danny looks taken aback.
“I thought you were.”
“I can appreciate when a woman is beautiful or good looking, but that doesn’t mean attraction.”
“Huh.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“No, it’s not. I wouldn’t be here if that bothered me. I just… thought you were.”
Martin squirms in Danny’s embrace. He hopes Danny will let the subject drop even though Martin’s the one that brought it up.
He’s not even sure why he had. The case is over; they found their victim even though she’d been in pretty bad shape. Martin can’t really blame her though. She’d been through a lot in her life that she was bound to be a little messed up.
If anything Martin felt sorry for her and, considering Danny’s comments, he’d been surprised to see that Danny seemed to feel sorry for her too if the way he told off that guy was any indication.
“You’re right though. It’s not a big deal.” Danny says.
“Great. I just… it’s kind of sad. How she thought so little of herself.”
“Yeah, it is. But being pretty doesn’t change that. There are plenty of women out there that are beautiful and they doubt themselves just like she did.”
“Yeah, I know, you said as much.” Martin mutters.
Danny smiles.
“I don’t agree with the way that guy treated her. The guy’s a bastard. I’d never treat anyone like that.”
Martin has a lot of things he can say to that, none that would help their situation and they’d only end up fighting again. Martin doesn’t want to fight, despite how angry he still feels with Danny.
If it makes him pathetic, then he’s willing to be a little pathetic. There’s something here with Danny that Martin hasn’t felt before with anyone and he’s still not willing to let that go even if it means a few lies here and there.
So instead he just smiles and shakes his head.
“Yeah. I know.”
*
Viv picks up her phone after the second ring.
“Hello Martin.” She says pleasantly.
Martin still can’t believe she’s sick. He still can’t believe that she needs major open heart surgery. He remembers just a week ago she had looked okay. She had walked around and been her usual confident self.
But she is sick and she does need surgery and Martin feels like he should say something, do something because she’s always been there for him when he needed it.
“Hey Viv. How’s it going? Bored out of your mind yet?” Martin says jokingly.
He hears her laugh over the connection and Martin can’t help but smile back at her.
“Yeah, well, I never thought I’d miss the tedious stuff like going over DMV photos and credit card reports.”
“Trust me, you say that now, but if you were here looking through the mess I am, you’d eat your words. There’s nothing here. No social, records or bank accounts. It’s like this girl is a ghost.”
“Just keep looking. She’s out there. They’re always out there.” She says, her voice taking on a sad tone and Martin can sympathize with her.
It’s part of their job.
“Well, look I really called to tell you about this doctor my dad knows. Apparently he’s supposed to be the best cardiologist on the east coast.”
“Trust me Martin, I’ve gotten a second opinion. The other doctor I saw agrees with Dr. Marsh. I’m passed the diagnostic stage.”
“Well… okay… I mean… it didn’t hurt to try. And if you need anything…”
“Martin, is that the only reason you called.”
Martin frowns.
“Yeah, I just wanted to see how you were.”
He hears her sigh, long and disappointed and Martin’s confused.
“Viv?”
“I know you and Danny are fighting.”
Martin’s eyes widen and he looks around even though it’s stupid and he knows no one else heard because he’s on the phone and it’s kind of impossible for anyone else to hear.
“What do you mean?”
“I saw Danny come in. After the Brian Stone case. And I heard what happened at the scene. I tried talking to him about it…”
“But he was Mister Closed Off.” Martin finishes.
Viv hums.
“Yup. Danny’s a really private person.”
“He opens up to you.”
“He opens up to you too. You just don’t know it.”
“He won’t talk to me about this one, Viv. I’m not even sure we’re still…”
Martin stops talking because he doesn’t want to get into this on the phone, not at the office. It’s just too much to deal with and Martin hates that it’s gotten this deep, that he’s fallen this much and they’ve never even talked about what they’re doing.
“You’re still Martin. Trust me. Danny… he may not say it, but he does care about you. A lot. He’s just not… he’s not used to it.”
“Viv I don’t know if I can… I’d like to know that we’re…”
“Trust me, sweetie. He’s not going to let you go. He just needs some time to realize that.”
*
“Do you think it’s a good idea to send Danny?” Martin asks.
He feels kind of terrible for bringing it up, but he’s kind of worried. Undercover can be scary. It can lead to people being dead or at the very least injured pretty bad. He doesn’t have any personal experience with it, but he’s been in on enough of the operations to know that some times they don’t always go according to plan.
“He’s the only one that can do it. I can’t send Viv, not when she has a family. They don’t allow people with families to be part of an undercover operation. You know that. And you don’t exactly look the part.” Jack says.
He can’t really say anything to that because it’s the truth. Danny would fit the part more and he seems pretty eager to catch the people responsible for Colleen McGrath’s disappearance.
Jack seems to think that’s end of discussion and Martin turns to Danny’s desk. Danny’s looking a bit pensive and Martin knows he probably looks worried.
“It’s going to be fine Martin.”
“I know it’s just… we had plans for Wednesday night.” Martin says a bit lamely.
Danny smiles.
“It’s going to be fine Martin.” Danny repeats.
“You’re not worried?” Martin asks.
“Well I’m not exactly jumping for joy, but Jack’s right. I’m the only one that would be suitable for the job what with Sam being on leave. And besides… I want to catch these guys.” Danny says with determination in his voice.
“I just don’t want you to get hurt.” Martin says.
Danny smiles.
“I’m not going to get hurt okay. It’s going to be…”
“Fine, yeah, I know you said that already.”
Danny’s smile gets bigger and Martin watches as he gets up from his desk and walks over to Martin’s. He leans against the cubical wall and frowns.
“Nothing is going to happen to me, okay. And, while it’s very cute that you’re worried, I’d rather you be more focused on finding these guys than about me being safe. I can handle myself. I’d be more worried about me killing myself out of boredom.”
Martin smiles.
“Well we can’t have that.”
*
“What are you doing here? It’s like 5 in the morning.”
Not that he’s complaining, but it is odd to see Danny standing in his doorway looking like he hasn’t slept in hours.
“Linda’s kid won’t shut up and I was trying to study.” Danny says holding up a bunch of books that he’s got bundled in his arms.
“So you thought, why not come to Martin’s, the guy I’ve been avoiding for the past two weeks.” Martin says.
But even as he says it Danny’s pushing into his apartment like he belongs there and he makes a beeline for the big recliner that Martin doesn’t even like, but hasn’t been able to get rid of.
Danny thinks it’s comfortable and he knows that it’s pathetic but Martin likes to be the cause of Danny’s comfort. Just like he’s got some expensive hair gel in his bathroom and 2 percent milk in his refrigerator. The recliner stays because Danny likes it.
“I haven’t been avoiding you. I’ve been busy. There’s a bar exam at the end of the month which is only two weeks away.”
“We haven’t talked since that night.”
Danny’s already got his books open and he looks at Martin through his eyelashes and Martin wants to punch him for getting in so deep that Martin can’t even complain too much that he’s here because he wants Danny to be here. He doesn’t even care about the reason.
Martin thinks this is what falling must feel like without the hard hit to the ground.
“I’ve been busy.”
“You said that, but that doesn’t explain why we’ve barely spoken a few words to each other. We work together.”
“Martin…”
“Fine, you don’t want to talk about it. We won’t talk about it.” Martin says.
He picks up one of Danny’s books from Danny’s lap and looks it over.
“’Constitutional conflicts. "Grossman's questions & answers of the New York bar exam.”’"
“What are you doing?”
“Quizzing you.”
“I’m not ready.”
“It’s a pop quiz.”
“Martin.”
“Come on, I know you know this stuff. You don’t have to go over it.”
Danny makes another lunge at the book in Martin’s hand, but Martin tries to keep it away, arm reaching as high as he can and Danny pushes forward, books tumbling out of his lap and he puts too much strength into it.
He pushes too hard and he’s tumbling on top of Martin and onto the floor, book crushing between them.
“Danny.” Martin says, voice a little breathy and he looks up and sees Danny on top of him, eyes a bit wide.
He licks his lips and he doesn’t have time to say anything else before Danny’s leaning down and kissing him, lips crashing against his own and hands touching everywhere that they can touch and Martin’s frozen for just a second before his lips snap into action and he’s kissing Danny back, just as desperate and needy.
Danny’s lips move from his and trail down his jaw and to his neck and he can feel Danny’s hands under his shirt and on his skin and he feels too hot and he wants too much.
His skin buzzes and he wants Danny’s skin against his and for a second he almost doesn’t recognize the vibration at first, but then Danny pulls away and Martin tries to drag him back, tries to get that heat again, but Danny’s sitting up.
“Fuck. It’s Sylvia.” He says.
“Answer it.” Martin says, his voice hoarser than it should be.
“Yeah, you’re right.” Danny says as he answers it.
He moves away from Martin and suddenly it’s like the whole incident hadn’t happened and Martin watches as Danny’s face gets more and more distressed till he’s hanging up, abrupt nod and he looks over at Martin, eyes a bit helpless.
“It’s Rafi.”
*
“What are we doing here, Danny?”
Danny lifts his head a bit from Martin’s chest and looks up at him.
“You’re here keeping me company because I gotta pretend like I’m some poor worker guy looking to make a few extra bucks anyway I can and Jack says that means no television. Which means no Knicks. Sam picked a hell of a time to have a broken arm. Jack’s just lucky that it wasn’t baseball season.”
Martin sighs and shakes his head.
“That’s very tragic for you and I wasn’t talking literally.”
“Then what are you talking about?”
“I mean this. This relationship not a relationship. I just…”
“What?”
“I like you.”
“I got that.”
“And I’m not… I don’t think about anyone else. I don’t see anyone else.”
“I don’t either.”
Martin tries not to let the relief show on his face. He knows that Danny isn’t seeing anyone else; he really doesn’t have the time to see anyone else. Nowadays, if they’re not working then they’re at each other’s places.
“What’s really bothering you?” Danny asks.
Martin sighs and watches as Danny moves away putting some distance between the two of them.
“It’s just… the secrecy.”
“You said you were fine with it.”
“I am.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“I’d like to know what we’re keeping secret.”
Danny frowns and Martin almost wishes he hadn’t said anything because Danny looks utterly confused and some crappy hotel room is not the place to be having this kind of conversation especially when Danny’s undercover and Martin’s just supposed to be the pizza delivery boy.
“I thought we were having a relationship. You know… all that sappy stuff.”
“A relationship?”
“We’re dating.”
“Really?”
Danny laughs.
“You seem surprised by that. We’ve been on dates, Martin. Out to restaurants and clubs.”
“Where you freak out if anyone we know sees us.”
“That was one time.”
“One time is a time too many Danny. I just… I need to know that someday you’re going to get over whatever it is keeping you from keeping this known.”
Danny takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair.
“Someday, okay. Someday I’ll get comfortable with the idea.”
It’s the best Martin can hope for, at least right now and it’s something he can live with. Danny’s promising him someday and Danny’s not someone who would go back on his promises. Martin knows this.
“Okay.”
Danny smiles that charming smile and leans in, brushing his lips against Martin’s.
“I should go.” Martin says.
“Stay.”
“I’ve stayed too long. Jack’s going to be pissed if he finds out I stayed this long.”
“So he doesn’t find out.”
Martin shakes his head. He’d stay too, if Danny asked seriously. If Danny had been serious about Martin staying and them having sex in this dingy hotel room or just Martin staying, but Danny knows the consequences.
“Rain check?” Martin asks.
Danny smiles.
“Of course.”
*
It’s been a heck of a day.
He hadn’t been expecting that one call from Sylvia to turn into a case, but it has and he feels a bit helpless. He’d fully expected Jack to pair Danny up with Sam on this one, to keep the two of them separate like he has been for the past two weeks, but Martin hadn’t even needed to ask to be let in on this one. Jack just assumed he’d be helping Danny at.
And he’s been trying to. Being there for Danny like this is a lot easier than talking about their weird relationship. Danny’s actually talking to him, relaying anecdotes about his life and Martin’s there, absorbing whatever he can and he’d call himself pathetic if he hadn’t been so desperate for it.
They’ve been working it though and Martin gets a glimpse of how good they are together. Not that he hadn’t already known that, but it’s been some time and it feels normal, like nothing happened before.
But then Danny will look at him, something unreadable in his eyes and the air will shift and Martin will feel that chasm again.
“Do you think I need to pull him off the case?” Jack asks.
“He said he can handle it.” Martin says.
“I know what he said. Now I’m asking you if it’s the truth or not.”
Martin purses his lips and shuts his eyes tightly. He keeps thinking about how Danny had been so ready to beat the crap out of Luis Vega. How he’d seen that angry shocked look in Danny’s eyes and everything in him is screaming to tell Jack to take Danny off the case because it is too much. It’s practically killing Danny.
But he knows if he tells Jack that, Danny will find out and whatever ground they’re making, even if it’s none, will be lost because Danny will be pissed. Danny will be beyond pissed and there’s something in Martin telling him that Danny needs this. That Danny needs to see this out till the end.
“He’s fine.”
Jack doesn’t look like he’s buying it for a second, but he just folds his hands and straightens his shoulders.
“There’s a reason I let you work this case with him.”
“What’s that?”
“Because I know, whatever’s going on between you and Danny right now, and I know there’s something even if you don’t want to admit it. But the reason I let you work this with him is because I know you’d tell me if you thought he couldn’t handle it. Because you care about him. So I’m going to trust that what you’re telling me right now is the truth.”
Martin swallows and nods. He takes a deep breath and he can’t believe that Jack’s trusting him this much, that he’s trusting Martin’s judgment this much, but he thinks Jack may have a point. Martin likes to think if he knew for a fact that Danny was going to go off the deep end because of this, he’d tell Jack so Danny wouldn’t self destruct.
“Don’t make me regret it, Martin.”
“I won’t.”
*
“Danny.”
Martin’s never been more terrified in his life and it scares him that he’s like this. He feels like puking or something and he tries to keep his hands steady because he needs to untie Danny. Danny who’s bleeding from cuts on his face and he looks so beat up that Martin wants to be out there shooting at the bad guys, but Jack had told him to untie Danny.
“Martin.”
His voice doesn’t sound slurred so Martin takes that as a good thing. He’s not beat too badly. Danny’s a tough guy apparently.
“It’s going to be okay. Jack’s going after the bad guys. See. I told him this was a bad idea.”
“Yeah, well, you can gloat after we’re done taking me to the hospital.” Danny says sarcastically.
Martin lets out a laugh and hurries with the last of Danny’s bindings. He doesn’t know how long he has until those guys come back and try to shoot him and Danny and he likes their odds better with Danny not being a stationary target.
“You’re going to be fine. Just a few cuts and bruises. Nothing that’s going to mar up your face.” Martin says as he pulls the last of the rope away from Danny.
He hands Danny his extra gun turns around to survey the area. He just wants Danny to protected in case Jack needs back up.
“How’d you find me?” Danny groans.
Martin turns his head a bit to see Danny leaning against the chair.
“Are your legs hurt?”
“Yeah. Nothing’s broken though.”
“Good. Can you stand?”
“Yeah. If I need to.”
“We’re going to make it out of this.”
“Of course we are.”
“Yeah. I’ve shot all the bad guys.”
Martin tears his eyes away from Danny to see Jack standing there, pissed off look on his faced, but Martin guesses that’s for the bad guys and not for them. Martin had been just doing what Jack had told him to do.
“Great.” Martin says.
“Yeah. The ambulance should be here in a little bit.” Jack says gruffly.
“That’s good.” Martin says.
He turns to Danny and helps him up. Danny leans on him a little bit, weight mostly on his right like his left side hurts and Martin wishes he could bundle him up and keep him close. He certainly doesn’t want to go to the hospital where they’re going to want to keep Danny overnight for observations and Martin’s not going to have a good enough excuse to stay without it looking weird.
“Stop thinking so loudly. It’s hurting me more than I already am.” Danny whispers.
“I can’t help it.”
“I’m going to be fine. At most a few broken ribs.”
“At most.” Martin says.
He doesn’t mean for it to sound so hysterical, but it does and Martin can’t help the slight cringe that comes after his words. He feels Danny’s fingers graze his stomach, just slightly and Martin wishes that just that wasn’t enough to keep him from going crazy, but it is.
“I’m going to be fine.”
“I know. I don’t think I could handle it if you weren’t.” Martin mutters.
Danny smiles.
“Oh, you say the sweetest things. Just for that I’m going to let them release me to you early.”
Martin shakes his head.
“Yay, lucky me.”
*
They’re in the hospital adrenaline finally reaching low levels and leaving the both of them a bit shell shocked, but besides that, everything’s fine. Rafi’s going to life, although he’s going to be facing some legal actions, but the main thing is that he’s alive.
“You don’t… you don’t have to wait here. You can go home. You gotta be tired man. I mean I woke you up…”
Danny trails off and he bites his lip like he’s remembering exactly what happened this morning and he doesn’t want to think about it right now.
“If it’s all the same, I think I’ll stay. I want to make sure you’re okay.”
Danny frowns.
“Well at least sit then.” Danny says.
“You first.” Martin mutters.
Danny’s frown turns into a pout and, any other time, Martin would really want to kiss him because no one can resist a pouting Danny. But he settles for standing in front of Danny and doing the meaningful stare thing.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“No, you want to say something. I can feel it when you look at me. You keep looking at me like that.”
“Well maybe if you would just talk to me instead of doing this weird avoiding thing where neither of us talk about what’s going on and both of us are miserable then maybe I wouldn’t stare at you so much.”
“Yeah, right. You just like staring at me, Fitzie.” Danny says with a smirk.
“Damn it, Danny, now’s not the time to act stupid.”
“So now I’m stupid.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then what are you saying.”
“I just want you to talk to me. You know, like normal people do. I hate playing this game with you.”
“I’m not playing a game.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not!” Danny yells.
Some of the hospital staff looks over and Danny looks a bit surprised, like he hadn’t meant to say that so loudly and Martin reaches out. He bites his lip and thinks about it for a second before he grabs Danny’s hand and takes it in his own.
“Danny…”
“I’m sorry I just… thank you.” Danny says softly, eyes focused on their hands.
Martin frowns. He thought for sure Danny was going to say something more, going to talk about this… thing between them and how utterly screwed up it is and why.
But Danny looks so sad and Martin gets why. He’d been there for the whole thing and he thinks he understands Danny a bit more because of it. Because they’re standing in a hospital after a really long search for Rafi that ended with a trip in an ambulance because of some pretty powerful coke and that would make anyone a bit shocky. Danny’s twisting his hands and Martin thinks he’d be talking a million words a minute if he wasn’t frowning so much.
So Martin does the only thing he can. He leans in, hands falling into place at Danny’s side and he almost moans at the feeling of touching Danny again, even if it is over clothes.
Danny makes a small noise in the back of his throat that could be a whimper, but Martin doesn’t say anything about it. He just leans in and kisses Danny like he always has, like he wants to for as long as Danny will let him and Danny just leans into it, soft broken kind of noise emitting from his lips and his hands press hard into Martin’s forearms.
When Martin pulls away, he can’t help looking at Danny’s lips, kiss swollen and wet and he wants to lean in and kiss him all over again, but Danny’s talking, saying something and Martin knows it’s important to listen.
“I’m sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does.”
“Well, yeah, okay it does, but you can tell me later. Right now…”
“Right now I just watched my brother try and kill himself and I realized that I’m a mess. Not that I didn’t already know that, but I just… I thought if I could kept it together, if I could keep my distance from Rafi and everything that I could pretend that that part of me… that I wasn’t really one wrong step away.”
Martin’s not sure what any of this has to do with what’s going on with them, but it’s important to Danny and that’s all that matters.
“But I’m always one wrong step away, even without the constant reminder of it and with you…”
“With me what?”
“You make me forget about it and remember it at the same time.”
Martin frowns and Danny shakes his head.
“I’m not saying this right.” Danny says.
“It’s okay. Just… go slow.”
“When I’m with you… sometimes I can’t believe that I’m with you. And it makes me feel like… it makes me feel like I can be me. That you know me and you’re okay with it despite how… utterly fucked I am.”
“You’re not utterly fucked.”
“Fitzie, I’m pretty messed up.”
“But you’ve changed. You’ve grown. You’re a different person.”
“But my past…”
“Is your past and yeah it’s not a pretty one, but you’ve… you’re a strong person Danny. You’re Danny Taylor.” Martin says, small smile on his face.
“Alvarez. My real last name is Alvarez.”
“I know that.”
“I don’t really know who Danny Taylor is.”
“Yes you do.”
“Martin…”
“Danny, just because you made some mistakes in your past, that doesn’t define you. Look at what you’ve done with your life.”
“But it’s not… I mean we’re different Martin. We may have arrived at the same place, but we’re different and I’m sure when people see us, people at the office probably think that I’m just trying to get ahead or something.”
“Danny no one thinks that.”
“It wasn’t just that though. It was… it was nice, just the two of us, no one else knowing.”
It’s all starting to slip into place, Danny’s reasons for keeping them a secret and they have nothing to do with the fact that Danny’s afraid of getting outed like he’d tried to play off. Martin hadn’t thought that was the reason anyway.
All of it’s about Danny and him feeling insecure which isn’t something that had crossed Martin’s mind originally because it’s Danny and Danny’s Mister Confident, more so than Martin ever could be.
“It’s still just us, Danny. Just because people know…”
“I thought it would change.”
“It doesn’t have to.”
“But I thought it would and that’s why I…”
“Agent Taylor.”
Martin and Danny look to the side and see one of the cops that they’d had to call in for this one standing a few feet away. Martin expects Danny to pull away, but Danny just stands there and holds on to Martin like if he lets go he’s going to pass out or something.
“Your brother’s being processed, rules and regulations. I suggest you come down to the precinct with a lawyer and some bail money.”
The cop doesn’t say anything more. He doesn’t even give them a funny stare and Martin sighs in relief because they just don’t need that right now.
“I need to go to Sylvia. I need to tell her what’s going on.”
“Okay.”
“But someone should go with Rafi. Just to be sure that he’s okay. I mean I trust these guys, but…”
“Danny, I’ll go with your brother. You go tell Sylvia what’s going on and you can meet us there.”
“Martin.”
“Shh.” Martin says as he leans in to kiss Danny softly.
“It’s gonna be okay.” Martin whispers against Danny’s lips.
“Yeah, yeah I think it might be.”
*
He catches Danny by himself for once, not busy talking with other people or putting up Christmas decorations and he smiles as Danny hands him another cup of punch.
“Enjoying the party, Fitzie.”
“As a matter of fact I am. I can’t believe we didn’t have a case all day. That’s just…”
“Unheard of, yes, it’s unheard of. Lucky for us though, right.”
“Yeah lucky day for us. Not so lucky for Jack.” Martin says.
He can’t see it but he knows that there’s glass pieces scattered all over the hallway to the interrogation rooms. He’s glad that none of the other agents have made a big deal about it, though there are whisperings going on throughout the party. Martin’s trying his hardest not to listen to any of them.
“Yeah it sucks. Like I said, that lawyer his wife got is a bastard.”
“And yet you’re trying to become one.”
Danny smiles.
“Not a divorce lawyer.” He says fake shudder passing through his body.
“I figured as much. But Taylor and Associates, right.”
Danny just smiles.
“It’s always been a dream of mine.”
“Don’t understand why you’d want to give up this job.”
But he can see Danny as a lawyer, charming and confident in the court room, making you believe that his client is innocent. He just hopes that if Danny decides to become a lawyer, he’s not on the other side of the fence.
“Did I ever tell you how adorable you look in this hat? Very festive of you, Martin.” Danny says.
Martin rolls his eyes.
“Only a million times.”
“Well you do.”
“Yeah and you looked pretty good up there putting up the decorations on the tree.”
“You were just staring at my ass.” Danny whispers.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that.” Martin says jokingly.
Danny smiles.
“You don’t have to. I’ve got you figured out.”
Martin shakes his head and keeps on smiling and Danny keeps smiling back at him.
He takes a drink of his punch and he watches as something changes in Danny’s expression. His eyes get softer and his smile gets wider and Martin frowns at him.
“What?”
“Nothing I was just… I hope we don’t end up like that.
“End up like what?”
“So uncivil to each other we have to talk through lawyers.”
“Well considering we can never get married or anything like that, I’m thinking that the lawyers thing won’t happen.” Martin says.
Danny rolls his eyes.
“You know what I mean. They were in love, you know. I mean I was here before Sam. I saw them back when they were still happy and I never thought…”
“Sometimes you don’t see these things coming.”
“I know. I just… I know we’re not exactly winning any couple of the year awards here and I know that’s mostly my fault…”
“Danny…”
“No, let me finish here. This is important because I’ve… the way I feel about you… I’ve felt that way for a long time and I just… I need some time getting used to it you know.”
Danny pauses for a second before continuing and Martin would like nothing more than to reach out and hold Danny close, but he can’t. Not in front of everyone in the office and not without Danny freaking out about it.
“I just want you to know that you do… that I do…”
Martin stops him, puts his hand over Danny’s as subtly as he possibly can and smiles at Danny.
“I get it, okay.”
“I love you.”
Martin’s a little shocked even though he knew Danny was going to go there. He hadn’t expected Danny to say it during the office Christmas party; he hadn’t really been expecting Danny to say it.
He knows, even without the verbal confirmation and it’s been enough.
“And I just… I need you to… I’m not being easy, I know that. I just… I’m hoping you can bare with me here.”
“Don’t worry. I have a feeling I’m in this for the long haul.”
And the smile Danny gives him is worth the whole secrecy thing. If it means that he can make Danny this happy, then he’ll keep quite as long as Danny needs him too.
“Oh and I love you too.” Martin says.
“Yeah I kind of figured.”
*
“This feels weird.” Martin says.
Danny smiles over at him, fingers trailing the rim of his glass.
“You wanted me to be here.”
“Yes I did. And I’m glad you’re here.”
Danny looks over at him, bright smile on his face and Martin thinks about all the crap and miscommunication it’s taken to get here, happy and together and at Martin’s cousin’s wedding.
It’s sort of the final nail in the coffin because this means they’re something big. This means that they might start thinking about moving in together and going to family for the holidays and just generally being together and Martin thinks about all the relationships he’s had before Danny and realizes it’s never gotten to this point with any of them. Not really anyway.
And it had been hard and Martin’s always had this idea that relationships, if they’re meant to be, should be easy. He’s not sure where he got that idea from, but he’s pretty sure it’s not true because nothing had been easy with Danny and Martin still wouldn’t give it up for anything.
“So what’s the problem?”
“They’re staring.”
“Of course they are. But you’re the one that said you wanted this.”
“I did. I do. My cousin doesn’t care.”
She really doesn’t. She’d been so happy to see Danny there and Danny had just smiled and hugged her and had told her that she looked so beautiful. And he’d hugged Jamie too and had been kind of adorable with Ava and had played it cool with his Uncle Roger.
“Neither does your uncle. Although your parents…”
“Are glaring at you like you’re something that’s stuck to their shoe. Yeah, I noticed. Aren’t you glad you came?”
He turns to see Danny staring at him, eyes soft and kind of happy looking and he watches as Danny takes his hand away from his drink and brushes it over Martin’s until Martin gets it and he takes Danny’s hand in his own.
Danny’s smile gets wider and squeezes Martin’s hand.
“Actually… I kind of am.”
Martin smiles.
“Yeah, so am I.”