(no subject)
You never realize just how much you miss someone until you get them back. I've only been home for a few days and I've already experienced a few new things. I've cried in a girls arms. I cried myself to sleep. Since my return I have completely lost my ability to place my mask of happiness over what could only be described as depression.
I start thinking that I've settled, my mask is firmly in place and then a song plays, completely shattering my facade.
It feels as if my heart breaks every time she says "I love you" to him.
For those of you I don't know, I'm a pack-a-day smoker... Being home, being around her, just the two of us talking about whatever, I have NO urge to smoke. I got in monday morning and I've been up for all except about 5 hours since arriving. I JUST finished a pack that I opened in Oklahoma City.
Simply having her to hold whenever I want. Being able to run my hand through her hair and tell her that I love her is enough to make me forget that I have a pack on me. That is... until his name pops up or a song describing my feelings comes on. I light a cigaratte simply to distance myself from her. Her sadness is the last thing I want and I don't ever want her to see the look that adorns my face when all those emotions arise.
She most likely knows why I was the way I was tonight... Most definately if she manages to read this entry. The reason I smoked so much tonight was a simple one. I didn't want to cry. Right now... smoking is the only way i can be near her and not allow her to see when I hurt.
Hopefully I'll get another chance with her.
Until then I need to pick up the pieces and attempt to hide behind my shattered mask.