Doing it wrong (A.B.C-z, Hasshi/Tottsu)
So I have a thing. A fic thing. Apperently, now I write A.B.C-Z.
I still think some of the characterization is off, but I am trying.
Posted originally in writetomyheart . I changed a few things.
Rushed. It is kind of a mess. And the byproduct of a conversation with nekobot01 involving 354678897654 HasshixTottsu situations. And a lot of flailing.
Title: Doing it wrong
Pairing: HashimotoxTotsuka
Summary: There are no kisses at the end of their dates. Which makes Hasshi wonder if they are even dating, or its all in his head.
Warnings: Mildly self imposed angsty, and then fluffy.
Sorry for any mistakes, as I said it was quick and dirty and rushed but I didn't want to pass.
“Dates are supposed to end with a kiss.” Hashimoto muttered quietly to himself, sitting on the couch flipping through on of their latest magazine shoots. It had been the wedding shoot, with them in the suits at the church, and honestly, between that shooting, and the Mahou Danshi Cherry’s filming which was focusing on keeping them virtuous, he had been thinking more and more about romance.
And more and more about dates.
And more and more about what constituted a date.
Which lead to thoughts about Tottsu, since that was the only person Hasshi went on dates with. ANd then thoughts about kissing and-
Hashimoto stopped thinking, his attention turning to Kawai he settled on the couch next to him. The older man leaned over, sharp chin pressing into his shoulder as Kawai looked at the magazine as well.
“You are frowning Hasshi. Something wrong with the shoot? You liked it at the time.” Kawai kept his voice low and Hashimoto’s frown deepened. Speaking sofrtly was the better choice then. Sometimes, handling things privatly before getting all of the band involved was best.
“Dates end with a kiss right?”
“Hmm.” Kawai answered non-committaly. He was not sure where Hashimoto was going with this, and sometimes it was better to just let it be.
“All the dramas, and the manga, and movies say that dates end with a kiss. All of them.” Hashimoto continued, and Kawai hmmed again. He was starting to see the way this was going, the tight grip that Hashimoto had on Totsuka’s shoot in the magazine.
“And I was thinkin', Tottsu and I go out all the time.”
Kawai nodded. This was true.
“We have dinner, and sometimes go to the park, or to the movies, and go shopping. And he always refuses to let me carry by bags. He has to carry them for me. And he pays, and even why I try and pay he manages to do it first. And its always fun.”
“And he thinks they are fun too.” Kawai could answer that with certainty.
“He always walks me to the door, and makes sure than I get home safe it he doesn't drive and we meet someplace." Hashimoto was ticking off all of Totsuka's good points, and it was nothing surprising, since it was Totsuka, and it was Hashimoto, and they had a special bond. But, Hashimoto seemed to think that there was a problem in paradise.
"But if I try and hold his hand, he scolds me that we are in public. And when he drops me off, he never lets me kiss him. And if I try and hug him, he also reminds me that we were in public. I just want to show him that I care for him, and he never lets me.” Hashimoto turned to Kawai, he eyes wide, and it looked like his world was ending. It had been a long time since that expression had been on Hashimoto's face.
It did not belong there.
“I love him. And I thought he loved me too. Though he never says as much, cause its Tottsu, and words can be hard for him, at least feeling words, but I thought we were dating. I asked him you know, and he didn't really answer, just said he would pick me up that night. But now I was thinking, and if dates end with kissed, I just.... now I don’t know, and Fumitooooooooooo, what do I do? I don’t know what I will do if Tottsu doesn't love me to, and I know that I love him, and, and, and….” Hashimoto collapsed on the couch, the magazine dropping to his lap, and he looked so sad, and so lost that. “Fumito, he loves me, right? Tottsu has to love me....”
While he was processing the words Kawai shifted, pulling Hashimoto into a tight embrace. The other just looked like he needed a hug. Hashimoto should never look that sad. Ever. It also gave Kawai a moment to think and to process things.
If he was not used to a hyperventilating, panicking Hashimoto, Kawai might not have been able to understand what the younger boy was freaking out about. But as a young teenager, and not a young man, full of many many many feelings, they had gotten somewhat used to handing Hashimoto’s overwhelming feelings. It had gotten better since Hashimoto was an "adult" and Totsuka had accepted Hashimoto's feeling. Or so everyone had thought.
So this, however, was a landmine waiting to happen.
Thankfully, the assistant for their photoshoot for the day came in, and asked if they were ready, the others having just finished make up. She didnt even bat an eye at Hashimoto curled up in Kawai's embrace. They had a reputaiton as strange, after all. Amazing. But strange.
Apperently, the others had gone straight to set. All that was needed were there two youngest members. With one last tight hug, and a quick ruffle of his hair (but not enough to mess it for the shoot), Kawai stood and offered Hashimoto his hand, pulling the other up and into an ‘accidental’ hug before they left.
The others would notice something was off. They always did. Hashimoto was easy to read. The important question, though, was would Totsuka be able to tell what was wrong without Hashimoto having another freak out?
Thankfully Totsuka (and the rest of A.B.C-Z) was intuitive enough to tell that something was wrong with Hashimoto. Honestly it was probably as if everyone in the entire building could tell that something was wrong with Hashimoto, as the smiles, and the mood was just off.
He was giving off more of a 'kicked puppy snuggle me' vibe, rather than an 'I love A.B.C-Z and my band and the world and I just want to make the fans HAPPY' vibe. Or the Totsuka is amazing I want all the world to see that vibe.
But nothing anyone could say in the short breaks in the photoshoot was enough to get him smiling and happy off camera.
They all tried. And when Totsuka failed, everyone know that it was serious.
It didn't affect the takes for the group shots, but the mood was very sullen, for A.B.C-Z, and Tsukada went overboard with Kawai on the theatrics for the day, to distract the staff.
Of course, since it summer, and a summer shoot, the theme was summer dates. Which meant various shots of them in various positions and poses and closeness that were appropriate for magazines and enough to get fangirls hearts going.
And every time that someone mentioned the word date, Hashimoto would twitch.
Every time someone mentioned Totsuka and any member of A.B.C-Z that was not Hashimoto and the word date, in reference to a photo shoot set, the wounded kicked puppy expression started to creep up again. It would start in his eyes, and move to the way he held his body, his shoulders starting to sag. By the time it got to that, someone would distract Hashimoto, before his lip began to jut out and he had a full force pout. When that happened, nothing got done, at all, as everyone spent too much time trying ot make Hashimoto smile.
Kawai was just glad that Hashimoto’s shoots with Totsuka were after lunch, as it would give the other a chance to fix things. As it was all morning he had been sending Hashimoto intense, direct glances, and Hashimoto was so out of it, he wasn't even noticing how concerned Totsuka seemed to be.
Totsuka watching Hashimoto was one of the younger man's favorite things. He likes to know that Totsuka, with his intense gaze, was watching him. The gaze that scared juniors, that startles others with its intensity and directness, Hashimoto seemed to live for it.
Usually the dark intensity of Totsuka’s gaze watching him, was enough to make Hashimoto light up brighter than the stage effects of a JE concert. But not this time. Which then had Totsuka frowning, his gaze following Hashimoto the entire time the younger man was shooting his ‘date’ with Goseki.
Kawai was just glad that he didn't have to say anything, since the moment the lunch break was announced, Totsuka was gliding over to Hashimoto, asking the other to go with him back to the green room. Totsuka claimed to have forgotten something there, and needed Hashimoto's help with it.
It was a thinly veiled excuse at best. But one no one would dare comment on it, since at this point, even the idea of private time with Totsuka was not enough to make Hashimoto smile.
Kawai watched them go with a fond smile, and Goseki slid up beside him, not asking what was up, but Kawai told him anyways.
“Totsuka is doing it wrong. I don't know how, but he is." Kawai paused, shooting a glance at Goseki, who shifted slightly closer to him. "You see, earlier, I found Hasshi moping. And Hasshi, he wondered if they were even mutually love.” He waited until Goseki was taking a drink to make the comment. Somehow, his timing was perfect. So perfect in fact that when Goseki spit out his water in disbelief, it was all over Tsukada.
Oops.
Totsuka didn't say anything when they got back to their green room, and Hashimoto was glad. It gave him time to think. Totsuka just shut the door and pulled Hashimoto into a tight hug, leaning back against the door and pulling the taller man with him. Hashimoto could feel the other frown a little, when he took a moment to hug him back, and Totsuka’s arms tightened around him, as if the force of the hug could fix whatever was bothering Hashimoto.
If only it was that easy. Love was never easy. He should have known that. Even it it was Totsuka.
But Totsuka had resisted for so long. Hashimoto was not legal. (Never bothered anytthing else). Hashimoto wasn't serious. Hashimoto wasn't-- Totsuka had always had a lot of excused, and he had throught they were past that. But dates ended in kisses. And they, they were having a serious lack of kisses.
Hashimoto took a step back, and his jaw was set, his eyes bright, and expression firm. Today, there would be an exchange of words.
“Tottsu, you know I love ya, right?” Hashimoto asked directly, and he could see Totsuka’s eyes widen, but the other didn't say anything. “I’ve loved you forever and ever.” Totsuka smiled, but was silent. This was not unusual. And usually Hashimito could brush it off. Usually.
“And we hang out all the time. And it is always a lot of fun.”
Totsuka nodded, hmming his agreement. “You know I enjoy spending time with you Hasshi.” His voice was mild, a hint of fondness there that was always there when he talked to Hashimoto. But Hashimoto was not sure if there was also affection there. But more than affection, he wanted love. Which, the more he throught about it, the more he was sure he did not have.
Hashimoto stepped forward, and grabbed Totsuka’s hand.
Totsuka let him hold it for a moment, before pulling his hand away. “Hasshi, we are at work. You know we can’t.” There was no scolding in his voice, not really. But the response still cut.
Totuka really didn't care for him. He would even hold his hand, in a dressing room with a closed door. That they were leaning against. Totsuka must really not like him. Maybe strong enought to be dislike? It certianly wasn't love.
Hashimoto deflated, stepped away from Totsuka. He walked across the room, curling up on the couch, hugging a pillow to his chest. The words he spoke into the pillow were soft, but somehow Totsuka seemed to hear them anyway, if the quiet gasp, and the additional weight on the couch was any indication. Hashimoto was manhandled into a settling position, though he still stayed curled around the pillow, his eyes peeking out from beneath his bangs.
Totsuka’s gaze was dark and intense. It was the gaze that he fell in love with. It was also slightly less composed that usual. Those dark eyes wide and paniced.
“Ryosuke, what do you mean that ‘you were right and Tottsu never loved me’?” Totsuka's voice cracked slightly, Hashimoto would remember later. But at that moment, all he could see was Totsuka's eyes, and the emotions there. The panic. It was unusual.
“Dates end with kissed. Everyone knows that.” Hashimoto started, glaring up at Totsuka, and the other just stared back, waiting for the other to continue. After a moment, when it was clear that Totsuka was not going to response, he continued.
“But when we go out, you won’t hold my hand. You won’t let me hug you. You won’t do anything. Even when you drop me off at home. You never take me home, or let me stay over anymore. And I thought they were dates. I confessed and you didnt say no. But then i realized you didnt say yes." Hashimoto sighed, his eyes training on the pillow. "Ya know that I want them to be dates. Cause I love ya. Always have. And I thought you did. But I guess they weren’t. And I thought you--” Hashimoto stopped speaking, noticing the way that Totsuka seemed to be gaping at him, his eyes wide.
He had managed to ruffle Totsuka, it seemed.
"What do you I don't--"
Hashimoto noticed the way that Totsuka caught himself before he said the word love. Totuska had never said it. Shown it in some ways yes, but said it, never.
Hashimoto sighed, his eyes glancing towards the clock, towards the door. To anything that wasn't Totuka.
“You won’t even hold my hand in the dressing room, Tottsu. I just, I just want you to love me but you don't.” His voice was sad, he could hear it himself, and the way that Totsuka was looking at him now was unreadable. But with those workd, his meaning was clear. But the reaction was unexpected.
Hashimoto hated not knowing what that gaze meant. He had to look away.
“Hasshi…” Totsuka said after a moment, his voice soft.
Hashimoto did not look at him, clutching the pillow tighter instead.
“Ryosuke….” He tried again, this time with a gentle hand on the side of Hashimoto’s face, thumb tracing along the cheekbone.
He didn't turn his head.
Except then, suddenly, Totsuka was shifting around, twisting his body in a way that had to hurt, his eyes intense and dark, flashing with something for a moment before his lips brushed lightly over Hashimoto’s.
“I am sorry that I made you sad. But I do love you.” Totsuka shifted, sitting up, and Hashimoto followed the movement. Totsuka had a soft smile on his face.
Totsuka loved him! He had said it.
"You can't take it back, now that you said it." Hashimoto demanded and Totsuka just laughed, hugging Hashimoto close for a moment before releasing him and settling back.
“How about our next date is a home date. No prying eyes, nothing to worry about. You can have all the kisses that you want.” Hashimoto took a moment to process the words, and then he threw the pillow to the side, pouncing on Totsuka and hugging him tight.
“Tottsu is the bestest.”
Totsuka’s arms wound tightly around Hashimoto. “Don’t ever doubt that, or my feelings.”
Hashimoto nodded after a moment. "Even I need to hear 'em sometimes, Tottsu."
"I know, and I am sorry. I will do better. I don't like seeing you sad." Totsuka's voice was soft, and Hashimoto smiled, allowing himself to be pulled closer. It seemed now, in this moment, Totsuka would be open with his feelings, and Hashimoto did not want to end that moment, even if he was starving.
Later, as lunch was ending, the Hashimoto that everyone knew and loved was back, more or less full force. He was buzzing with happiness and fluttering around the set watching everything. His laughter, and his smiles, was something that had been missing in the morning.
“We are ready for Totsuka-san and Hashimoto-san’s date. This is the last one of the day. They we just have the group shots.” The assistant called out, and Hashimoto shot Kawai a large grin.
“Tottsu doesn't need to go on any more dates after this. After all, he has me.”
This time, sadly, Kawai’s timing was slightly less that perfect. Since he chocked all over his water, spitting it on Goseki, who stared at Kawai in anger. However, the anger turned to understanding with Hashimoto slung an arm around Totsuka’s waist, pulling him close before they moved to the shoot.
As he spoke his voice was loud enough that his band could hear him, but they all know of his love for Totsuka, His voice was a little possessive as well, but Totsuka smiled indulgently at him, leaning into the embrace and flashing him a real smile.
Hashimoto could not help but grin. The hand around Totsuka's waist slipping just slightly lower, to rest on his hip, fingers curled possessivly over the clothign there.
“First and last. I am the only date that Tottsu needs.”