Voicemail
"--oi, I'm supposed to mention somethin' about leaving a message of some kind, or so I'm told. If you're callin' now, you've sadly just missed my presence, but I'm sure I'll find some way to hear whatever plea you have, given time and motivation."
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"You'll be glad to know I didn't 'hump your dad' and I don't think this is appropriate. I'm sorry about his plague though."
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