The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest.
Amanda and I are still together. This month will be our 9th. She just turned 18 on the 1st, and I am no longer a petifile. Honestly, I do love her very much now and we’re very happy to have each other. Of course we’re not perfect, and we don’t want to be either, but still I’m feeling a bit cautious because we still haven’t been in a serious argument. However, im not complaining, and im not about to go and start one just cause I this we should. We’re just fine the way we are. Her family tells me that they love me with all their hearts, and her mom even calls me “my son”. Her brothers and I are tight, even though they sometimes ruin the peace and togetherness Amanda and me enjoy when I’m there. Hell even her Dad and I have been growing closer.
My friends have been closer then ever. Romo, Jesus, G.J., Micky, Eli, and I are still creating music that I am not afraid to go as far as to say, is genius-to me anyway. Likewise, the thinkers I know, are-like always- good company, but never have our conversations been so deep. So deliciously interesting that we strain to find questions to hear how everyone thinks. Friends from my past have even knocked at me door. It’s good to have their partnership again. Speaking of partnership, Colleen and I are still serious friends. As much as I treasure my time with the boys and the personal secrets I’ve revealed, Colleen and me know too much about each other., and I can’t push her away. I still love her. After 3 years how could I not? But now I’m stuck between two women I love, but two women who absolutely hate each other. I want need them both in my life. I don’t want to make a spilt decision but I feel like I must. ….This is a major decision I was informed not to make, because…well…my Dad passed away February 18th, at 5:20 pm. Everyone told me not to make any major decisions or changes until I’ve recovered….. But I’d still like some input if there’s any.
Dad passed away from many things. The initial cause of death was a brain aneurism from major artery located at the top of his brain. Mom called 911 and once he was in the hospital, we were told that he had a mild stroke, as well. Dad couldn’t breath on his own, and his organs began shutting down. His lungs were filling up with fluid and the nurses had to periodically pump it out to keep him alive, while we desperately try to find a neurosurgeon to operate, but there were none in Tucson who were available. They told us that it was the worst case they have ever seen at that hospital. We weren’t able to find a doctor until 8 am the next morning, thanks to my sister being an appointment setter of a doctor who knew one. After his second cat scan, dad began to go into cardiac arrest, and could only be brought back through electro shock every 10 minutes. He was diagnosed brain dead, and was basically a vegetable. My dad has told us all before that if he were ever in that state, we must shut down the life support. I didn’t want to. That was my dad, I still need him. …but I know he doesn’t want it, and I don’t want it. So we said our goodbyes. In less than 24 hours, dad passed away at the age of 47.
The pain began when I had to leave the hospital without him.
I’d like to say more, but I’ll save it for tomorrow.
Sorry for any errors or confusion, but I just can’t reread this all. It’s hard just to type it…..there’s so much detail that I haven’t mentioned, that I was reminded of while I thought of it all again. It’s hard and I’m embarrassing to me, weeping here in Pima’s computer lab, but honestly I feel better. A certain numbness has come back to be, and I’m ready to go outside and face the world like the man my dad raised me to be.