Friends with Benefits (part iv)
You wake up to the sound of gentle rain pit-pattering at the window.
It's near the end of Summer, the weather alternating between hot and cold to embrace the tip of Fall.
Throwing a dazed glance at the clock, you realize it's only barely past 7 am.
You woke too early, considering you were tossing and turning in bed until the wee hours last night and couldn't have gotten more than four hours of sleep give and take in between.
Questions are drilling through your brain. And the image of Kyungsoo laughing with that girl tripping in every now and then. You would have continued psychoing yourself back to sleep if not for the urgent growl of your stomach.
You haven't had much to eat yesterday night before Shinae dragged you to the pub. Thinking that you can just pick up some snacks along the way home after drinking, you hadn't put up much protest. But the witnessing of that scene was something unanticipated.
Your reaction is something you find unwitting as well.
Why did your heart flutter at Kyungsoo's presence? Why are you so upset that he might be seeing another woman? Isn't that what you want?
You clean up unceremoniously before heading to the kitchen to make yourself some breakfast.
Along the way, you notice the phone on your table indicating a new message. It must be from Chanyeol.
You are supposed to text him last night after returning home. Originally, he asked you out but you were unable to face him without that burdening guilt, so you've opted for a lame excuse to go out with Shinae.
Sure enough, when you tap on the screen, his cheery message greets you, complete with hearts and emoticons.
You throw your phone back on the table. The reply can wait.
Dragging out a three days old loaf from the bread bin, you slap on some jam without toasting.
The familiar scene transporting you back to a few months ago.
It was one of those rare times when Kyungsoo stayed over.
He'd usually clean up in the bathroom and leave right after.
But that Friday, the week had been particularly draining for him and he'd crashed after giving out a harsh pant and rolling over to lie on his back.
"I'm dead tired." He'd lamented.
"You better not drive in this state." You answered, coming down gradually from your high. "Plus I can always use some great pancakes for breakfast."
The boy makes some of the meanest pancakes you've ever eaten and you remember him letting out a drowsy laugh in response.
It sounded like a chime and sigh all at the same time.
"Yeah."
The next morning, you woke up to an amused looking Kyungsoo buttering bread in the kitchen, still dressed in his clothes from last evening.
"You are out of eggs." He explained when you shot him an accusing look.
He sat you down on the table and placed a plate of neatly buttered bread in front of you.
The butter is a tad thicker than you'd normally prefer, but the sides were clean, and as he proceeded to prepare another bread, you observe the way he carefully spread the butter on, eyebrows knitted in concentration and movements clean and precise. It's fascinating to watch, really.
The amount of care he'd put into something simple and mundane like that.
And very, very attractive.
When he next placed the bread on your plate again, you grabbed his hand and used the momentum to pull yourself up from the chair and tugged him into a kiss. There was a short gasp of surprise that quickly melted into a chuckle.
"What." He mused when you broke off.
"Nothing, you just looked really cute buttering bread."
He snickered, a slant of that pretty heart shaped smile appearing again.
The breakfast wasn't finished until an hour later, both of your faces slightly tinged from afterglow.
You remember thinking how all these seemed like what married couples will do.
Except you two aren't married.
Just like how, during middle and high school, the jokes and assumptions on both of you being an item by the way you hung around each other.
But you always shrugged it off as merely "best friends" stuff.
Because that's what you two are, just friends.
The rain stopped when you're finishing up the dishes.
Your phone beeps from an incoming message and when you check, it's Chanyeol again. You quickly text back a reply to assure him your safety and goes back to the kitchen.
Midway there, it suddenly strikes.
The signs are slightly foreign but not unfamiliar.
Your breath catching and heart rate speeding like a bullet's.
Fighting hard to pull air into your lungs, you start to really concentrate on the way your body is feeling, but that just makes it worse.
Your brain is pounding so hard you think it's going to pop out of your skull and then you are getting lightheaded.
You lean on the nearest thing for support, which is the table, all the while screaming in your head,
Oh no... Oh no...
You are having a panic attack.
The last time you had it was in high school, right before the exams. Shinae was beside you then, panicking and wanting to get you to the nurse's room as soon as possible.
She called Kyungsoo for help, whose classroom just so happened to be right beside the open field where you were.
Kyungsoo piggybacked you all the way there, silent and strong in his steps.
But right now you are just thinking of Shinae, who lives the nearest to you.
In case you faint, or worse, die, you want somebody to know.
Fumbling with your phone, you search for the speed dial, but your hands are shaking so much.
Your fingers grope stupidly on the screen and when you finally manage to tap on "call", you bring the phone to your ear and waits anxiously for Shinae to pick it up.
Only to find that her phone is switched off.
Oh God.
Trembling, you struggle to find purchase on the slippery screen again, this time for Chanyeol. He must be awake now since he just messaged you.
You aren't sure whether it's the first setback that makes you even more angsty, but you have to stop for a while to catch your breath, feeling the tingling in your arms and legs and vision blurring. After a few moments, you try again, fingers disobediently grappling on the screen while you tap on a name.
You bring the phone up again, the ringing tone droning once... twice... three times... four, five...
Oh God...
"Hello?"
You gasp in relief. He picked up the phone! Though he sounds a bit odd.
"Chanyeol- ah... " You begin, trying to regulate your breathing to speak properly.
"... No, this is... Kyungsoo."
Your breath snitches.
Why is it... Him?
" _______ , are you alright?" He asks concernedly when you don't answer.
"I-- Kyungsoo ah, I think... I think I'm having a panic attack." You stutter out.
There is a pause, before a decidedness takes over his tone.
"Okay, just breathe okay, remember to breathe in, breathe out... Are you doing that?"
You nod, though he clearly can't see you over the phone.
"Now just... " You hear some shuffling from the other end and then banging noises. He must be getting ready to go out. "Hold on to the phone and talk to me... Whenever you feel comfortable to. I'll be right there with you in no time at all."
You nod again, hope and familiarity making you calm immensely already.
It's about a minute on, you replying to his comforting questions when your phone starts beeping.
Darn, it's running out of battery.
"My... my phone's dying..."
"Okay, I'm gonna be there soon, just relax and don't do anything okay?" He soothes and you can hear him running out of the house.
"Okay."
You are breathing again when you hang up, but you don't look for your phone charger, instead opting to sit on the couch and waiting for him to come.
Several minutes later, you hear the buzzer ring and stands up shakily to answer the door.
It's Kyungsoo, sure to his word, looking concerned and a tad flushed with uncombed hair and a black pullover.
"Are you alright?" He gasps out and you nod, needily leaning forward to slip into a ready embrace.
His chest is heaving, body feeling thoroughly warm, but the hug is comforting and tranquilizing as usual. The fit perfect like you're meant to be.
You haven't realized how much you've missed it until now.
He whispers gentle assurances in your ear all the while stroking your back and it's a good five minutes later when you don't feel like dying anymore and the attack subsides completely.
Pulling away, you utter a quiet thank you.
"Feeling better?" He says softly.
"Hmm..."
It's then you register the way his hair is sticking to his face, like he's been perspiring non-stop.
"Were you... Caught in the rain?" You ask.
"Rain? No... It wasn't raining when I came over." He shakes his head.
"You're all... Wet."
You notice his pullover has blotches all over them and Kyungsoo looks himself once over before throwing his arms up weakly.
"I... Sort of, ran over here."
"You what?"
Kyungsoo lives about 3 or so miles away from you, which isn't far, but still, to run all the way here in record breaking time...
"Well, my car was sent for maintenance yesterday and... To wait for the bus and travel here, I thought it'd be faster if I just ran..." He explains with a slight sheepish look and at that moment, all you are thinking about is how much you want to kiss him.
And you are already moving forward, his name falling softly from your lips and you can see his eyes recognizing what you're going to do and he isn't resisting and...
"__________ ?! Are you alright?"
Chanyeol's voice shatters through the silence like a brick and you instantly freeze, glancing up to see Kyungsoo blinking once, before he takes a step back from you.
That plain action makes your heart sting like a thousand pricking needles.
Why...?
"I called Chanyeol." Comes Kyungsoo's voice.
You study his expression and detects that flicker of emotion.
You want to cry.
"__________ ah... " Chanyeol appears, bumping against Kyungsoo slightly to reach your side. He remains quiet, as Chanyeol smothers you with a huge hug.
Your mind tells you that you should be focusing on your boyfriend because he's here now but your heart... Your heart is somewhere else.
Out of your peripheral vision, you notice Kyungsoo taking another step back to slouch against the door.
"Kyungsoo ssi called me to say you're having a panic attack, apparently you tried to call me but dialed the wrong number instead, are you feeling okay? Do you want to go to the hospital?" Chanyeol's voice is much too loud in your ears and you're suddenly hoping he wasn't the one you tried to call instead.
That you want him to stop hugging you because right now all you want is Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo's embrace and Kyungsoo's stupid smile and calming voice and just...
Kyungsoo.
"__________ ah?" The giant's voice is growing worried by the second and you finally tilt up to look at him properly.
"I'm... Fine."
At this, Chanyeol lets out a breath of relief before he turns to face the other male.
"Thank you so much Kyungsoo ssi, I'll take it over from here, thank you for taking care of her while I wasn't around." He bows and Kyungsoo returns the gesture hurriedly.
"I'll get going then." He throws one last glance at you and you want to cry out for him to stay, but your tongue is heavy in your mouth and you don't know what to do.
Kyungsoo lets out a thin smile before he turns and walks away.
"Is that your best friend you've mentioned before?" Chanyeol asks, a hand at the back of your waist guiding you back into the house.
You mull over the question before you answer.
"Yeah."
Just that he's not your best friend anymore. You realize he's something more.
Yet you don't know what to do about it.
___________
You can't avoid the inevitable.
Incidentally, it was a minor incident that gave you the last push.
The day after your panic attack, you picked up a flyer on a new baking class in your area. You have a great interest in baking, though you suck at it.
Kyungsoo's always been the one with more culinary talent and you're just riding on his tail to enjoy delectable meals and desserts.
But for as long as you've been dating Chanyeol, you haven't tasted his homecooked fare as well.
And you missed it.
Chanyeol came over with takeaways and he's sitting on the couch, playing a game in his phone when you told him about it.
"It's on every Saturday afternoon, two hours lesson."
"I thought you said you're done with baking? That you are a complete noob at it and you didn't even finish the last course and all..." He looks up briefly from the screen before diving back in again.
"I didn't finish because I was too tired to get up in the morning for class at 9 am." You defend yourself.
"Well, it's not like if you don't know how to bake, I'll mind or anything because if you want cakes, we can just pick it up from the stores." He shrugs nonchalantly and suddenly you're seeing red.
"It's not for you, it's for me." You state, gritting your teeth to hide your annoyance.
If this is Kyungsoo, he'll be laughing at how you are such a fail at baking but encouraging you to go nevertheless. Heck, he'll probably even sign up with you and kick your ass in the process but still tell you it's alright and "you can always do better next time" with the most sincere smile.
"I'm just saying, you don't have to waste that kind of money. If you can't do it, maybe it's not for you after all..."
That particular sentence strikes a chord so squarely in you everything suddenly seems crystal clear.
With that decision in mind, you sit down opposite him on a chair, praying that your courage doesn't falter this time.
"Chanyeol- ah..."
The solemnity in your tone makes him look up from his phone, orbs wide and puzzled.
"Maybe... We should take a break." Your voice comes out hesitant and low.
He stares at you, shell-shocked. And you find that you can't meet his eyes anymore, you'll crumble in guilt anytime.
"W-Why? Was it... Did I say something wrong?" The confusion and desperation in his tone makes you feel like a terrible person. You've had this done to you so many times, yet now you're doing it to a person who did no wrong, albeit the only wrong he ever did, was to fall in love with you.
"It's... Not you. It's me." You breathe out, still unable to look him in the eyes.
"If it's about the baking course, you can just go alright? I'm not stopping you or anything..."
"Chanyeol- ah." You interrupt him. "It's not about the course, it's just... I think it's wrong for me to hold on to you when I clearly can't reciprocate whatever you're giving me... Trust me, I've tried and the reason I took so long to tell you was because... I really wanted it to work out but..."
You pause to draw in a deep breath.
"But now I just need time... To think."
Chanyeol is silent for a long while. And when he speaks again, there's a resignation to his voice.
"Is it funny if i tell you I've been expecting it all this while?"
You glance up, bewildered.
The male has a pinched smile, eyes tired and sorrowful.
"You're a great girl, considerate and kind, fiercely independent and just... Different from all the other girls I've ever met. You're unique, you know?" He says softly and you bite your lip, feeling like anything but his description. "But when we are together, I feel like you're always holding back. For what, I'm not sure. It's like you're there, but not really there. And I never understood it, until yesterday."
He swallows. "It's him, isn't it?"
You balk at his question.
"W-Who?"
"That friend of yours. Kyungsoo ssi?"
You blink, unable to formulate an answer to that.
"There's just something... That I can never, ever replace between the two of you and... I can't say that I'm not jealous of that." He lets out a weak laugh.
You feel even more guilty.
"He seems like a good guy. I've heard of him in the circle. Decent. Friendly."
"He... Said you're a good guy as well." You utter.
Chanyeol chuckles.
"He did, didn't he? Well, at least I know he's got good regards for me."
He sighs and places a hand on yours. You fight hard not to flinch at the contact.
"I love you, you know?"
That breaks you.
"I know..." You choke, tears spilling out and trickling down your cheeks. "I'm so... So sorry..."
He pulls you into a hug, and you don't resist this time.
Since it may well be the last.
You're letting go of the perfect person. The one person who probably embodies everything you've ever wished for.
But that person isn't the one.
________________