Friends with Benefits (part v)
The bile is slowly working up your throat as the minutes decrease down to seconds.
You're near to ditching this whole thing and bolting for the nearest exit when his voice suddenly rings through.
"Hey."
You gulp, taking a second to swallow the nerves before fleeting up to meet his gaze.
He looks the same, but when he nears, the greeting at the tip of your tongue suddenly catches, and you stare at him dumbly instead. The male cracks a small smile and continues quietly.
"It's been a while..."
Your voice still refuses to work, but he doesn't seem to notice that, a strange look of reticence passing his face before he coughs and glances down at his feet.
"So... Where do you want to go?"
The train station is getting crowded and you fidget a little before answering, "We'll just walk around a bit?"
He shrugs lightly.
"Ok."
You're the one who called Kyungsoo to just "hang out", and his reply had been quick and affirmative.
But now that you're walking side by side out of the train station, the usual ease of conversation is replaced by a sense of awkwardness.
And you're not sure if he's tired or maybe he's feeling the same as well? You notice how he doesn't fall in line beside you, like he normally does, trailing half a step back.
You're quietly grateful for the space though, because you don't know how to act around him with the constant constriction of your insides.
The two of you walk silently for a few minutes, weekend night falling deeper and the chatters around loud but sounding muted in your ears, your thoughts overpowering the din.
You reach a mall and Kyungsoo pauses in his steps.
"You wanna go in?" He asks softly.
"Yeah, why not?" You shrug and heedlessly steps in, him following right behind.
You're getting uncomfortable with the silence. This shouldn't be the way.
The two of you usually talk about anything and everything under the sun, words free and souls open.
Why isn't he communicating? Why isn't he doing something?
Suddenly, a spike of anger rushes through you and you turn on your heels, marching into the nearest shop, which happens to be a dress boutique.
You can hear the quickening of his steps as he catches up close behind.
Flipping recklessly through the rack of dresses, you pull one out and poses it in front of you.
"Do you like it?" You ask, voice taunting.
"It's a... Nice color." You can see how he's slightly taken aback, choosing his words carefully.
"Is it?"
It's a low-cut empire dress, short and electric blue. Something you'll never wear.
"I'll try it on." You remark and strides to the nearest fitting room.
Honestly, you don't even know what you're doing, all you know is you want to trigger him to... Do something.
Flinging the door open after you finish, you ask, "How is it?"
Your voice comes out a bit breathless. And it's not only because of the haste in changing.
You're anxious, scared even.
Of what? You're not sure.
Kyungsoo's eyes round. And you can see that he's trying not to focus on the cleavage that's spilling out from the low-cut dress.
"It's erm... It's nice. It's not something you'd usually wear though."
You've expected this response.
But it's not what you wanted.
"And...?" You press on.
The confusion in his eyes is evident.
"But if you like it, you can..." He cuts off himself when he notices the change in your expression. "I mean, if you want to look around somemore maybe you'll see something else you like?"
"So even if this doesn't fit me you'll just let me buy it?" You grope for the price tag at the side of the dress. "For a freaking $1450?"
His mouth opens and closes like a fish and you would have laugh in normal circumstances but now, you just need his response.
"It is expensive... But if you like it-- "
"Do I look good in it?" You demand.
He blinks once.
"Y-Yeah. I guess--"
"You really think I look nice in this? That this... fits me?" You're raising your voice, hands gesturing to yourself.
Kyungsoo is at his wit's end, you can tell.
"I-- "
"Do you like me in this?" You ask for a final time.
The expression in his eyes shifts.
"I like you... in anything you wear."
The honesty in his eyes breaks you. And suddenly you're tearing up, voice dropping low.
"So even if... Even if you like me, you'll just... Give me up to somebody else without fighting?" You choke on your tears.
Kyungsoo is bewildered by this sudden turn of events.
"___________ ah..." He begins.
"Am I really not worth the fight? Do we even mean... Do I mean anything more to you? Or am I just... I'm sorry I shouldn't have-- Sorry." You slip back into the changing room, closing the door behind you, all the while muffling your crying behind your hand.
When you come out again, Kyungsoo is still standing there, a pained expression on his face.
"___________ ah..."
"Let's just... Forget about it. I'm sorry, I want to go home." You nudge away from him but he grabs hold of your arm.
"I'll... Send you home."
You don't argue with him.
All the way back, Kyungsoo keeps stealing glances at you, but you don't return his gaze, opting to stare out of the car window, willing yourself to not feel.
When the car finally pulls up on the driveway, you step out briskly, making a beeline for your house.
"________ ah..." He follows, but you wheel around to stop him.
"Please, just. Leave me alone, ok? I'm..." You feel the tears choking up and you turn to continue towards the door.
"_________ ah, please... I-- " You can hear him trailing behind you and you don't acknowledge him, but it's so conflicting because in your heart, you want him to follow. It's not until you reach the door that he finally grabs your arm again. "Can I... "
You dare yourself to whip around one last time.
"Can I come in?" He breathes, eyes honest and sad.
You fight back the urge to cry and nods once. Twice.
_____________________
When the door clicks close, you mechanically switch on the lights. The amber illuminating the room in a stutter.
"You know where the fridge is." Muttering tiredly, you meander through the living room to throw your bag on the sofa, your body slumping after it.
His footsteps are quiet, but you can hear his breathing through the still air.
He finally settles on the sofa with you, safely keeping a distance.
After a minute of silence, he utters your name. " ___________ ah..." Then stops.
You sigh.
"It's so unfair... " You whisper, momentarily closing your eyes before opening them again to stare into space. "We weren't supposed to be anything more than friends and when I met Chanyeol, I thought this is it, this is the guy who makes my heart quicken and he's perfect and all and nice to me but... I just... I just couldn't love him the way he did and I felt so, so guilty because everytime he touches me, I'm thinking of..."
You glance at him. His face is blank.
You let out a short laugh.
"But I'm probably nothing more than a fuck buddy to you."
At this, Kyungsoo's expression hardens and he grits his teeth.
"That's not true."
You gaze at him again, noting the flash of rage in those usually calm eyes.
"You don't understand... " He licks his lips, dark brows furrowed. "You don't understand how it feels like to love someone, yet that person has never looked at you once in that way."
The glance he shoots you is like a bullet through your heart.
Then he is directing his gaze down on the floor.
"All through school the person I've been crushing on was always looking out for people who are tall, popular, athlete... People whom I'm not." He chances a glimpse at you. "Do you know why I took up soccer? Because the guy she likes was in there. And I wanted to find out more about him. To know more so maybe I can learn to become more like him... To become the person she likes."
You bite on your bottom lip. The guy's name was Minwoo, you remember.
Your crush in high school.
"Why... Didn't you tell me before?" You whisper.
Kyungsoo gives a dry laugh.
"Because I thought it's obvious. It's so pathetic and all the people around me keeps telling me to give you up and God knows I've tried. I've tried for so many times, so many years but I just..." He falters. "Whenever I see you crying over some jerk again, I want to be the one to hold you and tell you it's alright. I want to see you smile that smile of yours and I'm still hoping you'll give me that one chance I'm been waiting for all my life and during your last birthday I thought... I thought maybe that's it but then-- "
He swallows.
"It's really difficult. __________ ah. So don't tell me you're just a fuck buddy, because you're more than that. You've always been more than that..." He trails off.
You stare, open mouthed at him. Then, gulping, you utter,
"I broke up with Chanyeol."
You can hear his sharp inhalation in response. Fidgeting nervously with your fingers, you begin slowly.
"Have you ever wondered... Why I'm always looking for people that aren't you?"
Kyungsoo blinks, not understanding.
"Maybe it's because... I've always known it." You suck in a deep breath, courage increasing by the second as it's all making sense now. "That subconsciously, I've always known who was 'the one'... But I'm so stupid, choosing to listening to what others say instead, that true love is defined by butterflies in stomachs and all that fairytale gibberish. I was listening to my head, instead of my heart.
But on the night of my birthday, I went with my heart. So when Chanyeol came along, I couldn't accept him, because it's already made the decision for me..."
You peer at him, heart thumping and throat dry. The fear of rejection loud and real in your ears.
"I know you've already got... Minah... And I probably don't stand a chance anymore but--" Your words are cut off by a crushing hug. Though it's not like you mind.
Because this is the guy you've been pining for these few months, the guy whom you always think of when preparing breakfast, his smile bright and infectious. The way he boogies a bit to his favorite R&B music whenever he passes stores playing them, actions awkward but never shy. His hands adept and movements precise as he squeezes ketchup cleanly out into a perfect circle on your plate.
His laugh when he finds something really funny, and his tenderness when molding you under his hands, breaths quick and hips swift. He's all you've ever wanted and more... Warm and steady and so, so full of love. It's a wonder you took so long to realize it.
You only hope you're not too late.
The answer comes a second later.
"There's never been anyone else." Kyungsoo breathes, warmth fluttering your hair and cheek. "From the start 'til now, it's only been you. It's always been you. I was waiting. I'm still waiting."
He pulls away just enough to look at you. And you're utterly drowning in his orbs, wide and earnest.
"I'm sorry I've been a coward and it took me so long to say this now, but, _________ ah, " His next sentence comes out in a sigh. "I love you."
Your lips tremble, the emotions wrecking through your body to filter out into a single sob.
"Me too." You finally manage to say. "Me too..."
That night when he pushes you down on the mattress, lips soft and caresses dragging slower than before, you keen.
As he straightens up to stare you in the eyes, you take a moment to recognize the look that's always been there.
And you know this time there's no mistake about it.
You're never just friends with Do Kyungsoo.
This is, and always has been,
love.
___________________________ The End ____________________________