Aspartame 6/8
Title: Aspartame
Pairing: ChunJae
Length: Chaptered
Summary: Jaejoong thinks he found just another sugar daddy to support him, but Yoochun is a different kind of sweet.
"Did I say something wrong?" Yoochun asked. "I'm sorry."
Jaejoong knew his face revealed his sudden bad mood, but he couldn't find the strength or motivation to do something about it.
Yoochun walked around the kitchen counter and stopped right next to him. For a second he seemed unsure about what to do next, then he opened his arms and said: "I'm sorry for ruining the mood. Will a hug bring it back?"
Jaejoong surrendered without hesitation and leaned against him. Yoochun hugged him and pressed his face into his damp hair.
"You smell like me," Yoochun said. He sounded almost sad about it.
"I'm sorry I used your shampoo, but I don't think you smell bad," Jaejoong said.
"No," Yoochun said, with a gentle and sincere look in his eyes, "but I love the smell of you."
Yoochun always did this, say thinks like that when Jaejoong wasn't suspecting it, when he had his guard down. The cheesiness should make him want to gag, but it didn't, not with Yoochun.
Yoochun hadn't showered yet, and a faint smell of sex still clung to him. He smelled manly. Jaejoong closed his eyes for a moment to focus on this and the warmth of the arms around him. Yoochun used the opportunity to peck his lips. He pulled back with a smile.
If anyone else annoyed him and then tried to kiss him soon after, he'd surely want to punch them in the face, but not Yoochun.
In his head he heard Yunho ask him if he'd ever had feelings for a sugar daddy.
It hit him then, the way realisations sometimes appear out of nowhere and crash down on you with brutal force.
Did he hate it so much to be reminded of the fact that Yoochun was his sugar daddy? Why? Or was he upset because the question had been asked so casually that it sounded like Yoochun didn't care if there were others? But if he didn't care, why had he asked about it?
More importantly though, why did Jaejoong care if Yoochun cared or not?
He'd said 'I'm good for now', but he meant 'I don't want anyone else ever again'. He knew this, he felt it was true, and it scared him.
He'd tried so hard not to get emotionally involved, or so he told himself, and he'd failed miserably. Had he tried at all?
He tried to put this into perspective. Maybe he was just falling for the first guy in a long time who was nice to him. It could be just a silly crush. He might feel different tomorrow.
He knew he wouldn't.
"What are you thinking about now?" Yoochun asked.
Jaejoong stepped away from him. "I remembered I have an important appointment after all," he said. "I should go."
"Jaejoong?"
"I'm sorry. Thank you for.. the food was great." He turned around, but he didn't make it out of the kitchen before Yoochun's hand was on his shoulder.
"Jaejoong, don't run away from me. Tell me what I've done wrong."
Jaejoong stopped and turned back. He didn't want Yoochun to feel guilty. "It's not important."
"It is. You're acting like I hurt you. Is it because of last night? Please tell me it's not."
"It's not."
Yoochun looked even more pained. "Tell me the truth."
Jaejoong looked into his eyes. "It's not. I wanted it and you were great. I have to go now."
"Jaejoong, wait."
"I'll call you."
Yoochun gave up then. Jaejoong was both relieved and disappointed. He found his shoes and tried to remember if he had a coat and where it would be. He decided he didn't care and he just had to get out of here.
He walked quickly, taking strong confident steps that led him away from the house, away from Yoochun. He was in control. And maybe, if he walked fast enough, he could blame his watery eyes on the wind.
Yoochun called. He ignored the call, which made him feel guilty. Yoochun called again. Jaejoong knew he should respond soon.
Yoochun hadn't done anything wrong, except be rich and lonely and a member of that site, and they still had their agreement. Jaejoong still received his money. It was like he was skipping work. That thought made him feel worse.
When had this turned into a job anyway? It had been fun in the beginning, exciting, his very first sugar daddy. He didn't know when he'd lost control. It had turned into a way to make money, not something he enjoyed. He started to feel guilty then. And now, with Yoochun, something even worse had happened.
Falling in love shouldn't be a bad thing, but under those circumstances it was. The problem wasn't if Yoochun felt the same or not. Jaejoong could probably deal with rejection, not easily, but he'd survive.
The real problem was that he wouldn't be able to live with himself wondering if he had really let someone pay his way into his heart.
He didn't even want to think about what Junsu would say of that.
For two days he avoided Yoochun's calls. Yoochun sent him a text.
I shouldn't have had sex with you. I didn't mean to hurt you. Is there any way I can make this right again?
Jaejoong running out the morning after had given him the wrong idea. Of course it had. Jaejoong cursed himself.
Yoochun seemed to be a good person. Jaejoong intuitively trusted him. But good people can do bad things, by mistake or because they change. Jaejoong had trusted a man before, someone who never even paid him but still treated him like a whore in the end.
Yoochun did pay him. That made it even more amazing that he was so kind and patient, but at the same time it meant he'd have a great excuse to change the way he treated him in the future.
The only thing Yoochun had done wrong was contact him through the site instead of any other way, and even though he knew he was being unfair, Jaejoong couldn't forgive him for that.
It had never been easy to 'break up' with a sugar daddy. In most cases he was afraid of their reaction. But afterwards he'd always been sure he made the right decision. If they wanted too much and he felt threatened, he refused to meet them again.
"Jaejoong? I'm so glad you called. Can we talk?"
Jaejoong's heart leaped just hearing that voice. He didn't feel threatened by it, he longed for it. It wasn't Yoochun who scared him, but his own feelings. If he met him again, he knew he'd fall deeper and deeper.
"I called because I want to end our.. professional relationship… and any relationship. I mean.. you know what I mean."
There was a silence. Jaejoong was tempted to end the call, but he couldn't do it.
"I really want to have this conversation face to face." Yoochun said. "If you don't want to come here anymore, please tell me where you live, or don't, I don't mind. I can meet you in the city. Wherever you want."
If they were together, there was the risk of Yoochun kissing him again to convince him. That would be bad, because it might work.
"I don't want to see you anymore."
"Do you need more money? You should have told me.. I.. what do you need?"
"Is money all I'm worth to you?"
"Jaejoong.. I don't understand. Do you want something else?"
What Jaejoong wanted was to start over completely, to forget that Yoochun had ever been his sugar daddy and to meet him somewhere other than the site, to get asked on a date and fall for him again.
"I want a real relationship, but not with you."
He turned off his phone, and didn't feel like he'd made the right decision at all.
He stared at the wall for a long time. He could call back, but would Yoochun talk to him after being treated like that?
The longer he thought about it, the more stupid his reasons for ending it seemed. True, their start wasn't normal or romantic, but things could change. And yes, there was a possibility of getting hurt, but love is supposed to hurt.
Junsu used to tell him this every day until he pretended to believe it to get him to shut up. One bad relationship isn't a reason to turn your back on love forever. Eventually getting hurt one way or another is inevitable, but there's someone out there who's worth it.
He'd have to stop accepting money and expensive gifts for it to feel like a normal relationship, and Yoochun would understand that. Yoochun had actually told him to leave this life behind him and to just follow his dream.
But.. after all that there was still a but. Yoochun had never completely opened up to him the way he expected Jaejoong to open up to him. There had always been an air of mystery surrounding his job and his past and all those details of his life that he didn't like to talk about.
Jaejoong was pretty sure Yoochun liked him as more than a sugar baby, but Yoochun's obvious flirting formed such a sharp contrast with his otherwise secretive behaviour that it made him wary. He didn't quite get Yoochun. Jaejoong didn't know if he was really hiding something big or if it was just a feeling, but it was a feeling he couldn't shake off.
The thinking and doubting and guessing gave him a headache. He realised he was hungry as well and when he looked up he saw it was dark outside. He wanted to go clubbing, to drink and forget like he usually did when he felt this bad, but he remembered he could run into Yoochun in a club, so he ate whatever he found in his fridge and took a long, long shower instead.
He couldn't motivate himself to properly dry his hair. He shivered and squirmed as annoying drops of cold water dripped down his back when he sat on the floor and opened his laptop.
It had been three days since the call, and he hadn't yet dared to turn on his phone. He'd even sent his parents an email saying it was broken so they wouldn't worry.
He'd started to read incoming messages from the website again. He knew he should stop this, it made him miserable and he was losing his best friend over it, but if he did, he couldn't afford this apartment. He told himself he could really use the money. However he looked at it, it would be best not to accumulate debts or burden his parents.
His headache wouldn't go away, so he told himself he had a cold and he needed to rest. A broken heart couldn't make your head hurt, could it? He only went out to buy food and he watched movies to keep his mind busy. Meanwhile he read every message that came in, but none of them appealed to him. He blocked a few men who just wouldn't give up.
He was sitting on his bed watching a movie when someone pounded on his door. He jumped and his first thought was Yoochun. It couldn't be Yoochun, could it? He'd been careful never to tell him where he lived. But maybe Yoochun was really with the mafia and he had him followed?
Jaejoong wanted to laugh at his own ridiculous thoughts, but part of him got excited about seeing Yoochun again, so excited that he felt disappointment when he heard Junsu's voice along with more pounding.
"Jaejoong! I know you're in there, your neighbours told me."
"The neighbours could be wrong," Jaejoong mumbled. He muted his movie and sat very still, as if Junsu could hear him move through the door. He wasn't ready to face him yet. With his negative reaction to the whole sugar daddy thing, Junsu might not understand how he felt about Yoochun.
"Fuck, Jae, if you don't open the door I'll call the police!"
Jaejoong cursed and got up. He hated Junsu sometimes, he hated him and he loved him, but lately Junsu always pissed him off so the love part didn't show.
"I'm calling right now!"
He yanked the door open and pulled Junsu, who was actually holding his phone to his ear, inside.
Jaejoong closed the door and glared at him. "Keep it down. This is not a student house. My neighbours will think I'm crazy."
Junsu glared back. "I was worried about you, you dickhead! Yunho is too. Turn on your phone and come to class if you want me to leave you alone."
"You really are worse than my mother. I had a cold and my phone is broken."
Junsu lowered his voice. "Really? Because if there's something else, you can tell m-"
"There is nothing else," Jaejoong said. "I can take care of myself." It took effort not to yell at Junsu to shut up and stop trying to get him to talk about things he didn't want to talk about.
Junsu closed his eyes and sighed, as if he was trying to stay calm too. "I've really had enough of this you know. I was so close to forgiving you for keeping all this stuff from me, but if you're still lying to me.. what do you want me to do?"
"Ignore it and leave me alone while I sort out my life?"
"So you admit that you're lying."
"I don't have to tell you everything."
"Fine," Junsu just glared at him for a while. "Whatever." He shook his head. "I'll really try not to care about what you do anymore. But don't you dare come running to me when you do get your ass in trouble." He turned around and left.
Jaejoong closed the door behind him and leaned against it. This was exactly the problem. The nagging and being forced to lie had annoyed him so much that he hadn't had a chance to tell Junsu how much he appreciated that he somehow still cared.
Still frustrated, he went back to his computer, did one quick scan of his inbox and found a potential new sugar daddy. It was almost like he hadn't really been looking before.
There were two things that made this new message stand out from the others.
One was that this man mentioned his job - owner of a large company - and the size of his capital - very big. Jaejoong found the truth to these facts all over the internet.
The other thing was that the words he used made him sound arrogant and detached.. businesslike.
Jaejoong had read a lot of messages and then met the men who wrote them. He wasn't often wrong about personalities. This man would be someone he needed right now, someone who would just buy him, use him and dismiss him when he grew bored, someone he wouldn't get emotionally involved with no matter what.
That this man was the same age as Yoochun was the only negative thing.
Shim Changmin was waiting for him in a crowded bar, with a scotch in his hand and a bored look on his face. Jaejoong recognised him from the picture he sent, but he probably would have managed without it. Changmin stood out because of he space around him. People seemed to sense he was a very influential man who didn't wish to be bothered.
When Jaejoong sat down next to him, Changmin acknowledged his presence with a small nod and said: "I couldn't remember how old you were, so I got you an ice tea."
Jaejoong didn't know if it was more shocking that this man didn't remember a simple detail like his age, or that he didn't really care if he was a minor or not.
His thoughts went to the warmth that Yoochun's favourite wine had spread through his body, but he shouldn't compare, he shouldn't think about Yoochun at all. He forced his fake smile, the one Yoochun had never fallen for. "Thank you. I was thirsty." He brought the glass to his lips and glanced at Changmin though his eyelashes.
Changmin might as well have been a statue. He either possessed no human emotions or he had a very good poker face.
"What do you want to talk about?" Jaejoong asked.
There was no small talk with Changmin. "I don't like this location. Someone might recognise me. Do you mind continuing our conversation at my house?"
What conversation? Jaejoong wanted to ask. Instead he narrowed his eyes and said: "You are aware of my rules?" The man couldn't have read his profile and email very thoroughly if he didn't even know his age.
"No sex, yes, I can read. Don't worry, that's not the reason behind my suggestion."
He said it in a way that sounded like having sex with him was the last thing he'd want to do. That could be comforting, but it gave Jaejoong a very uncomfortable feeling. What else did this man want?
He ignored all the warning bells in his head and said: "I don't mind then." Like he wanted to put himself in danger. Maybe he deserved to get hurt.
"Very well. Follow me to my car." Changmin stood up and walked away, without even a hint of a smile.
Jaejoong hadn't finished his ice tea yet. He took the lemon slice from his glass and bit down on it. His face twitched at the sourness.
Changmin's car screamed owned by rich bastard who will send three lawyers after you if you scratch the paint. There was even a driver waiting for them.
Changmin wasn't very talkative in the car either. Jaejoong didn't care enough to try. He stared out the window and could only feel some vague curiosity about Changmin's house. He seemed like the kind of guy who owned an apartment building, not one apartment, or maybe a castle. Jaejoong hadn't been able to find any information about that online. Undoubtably Changmin's lawyers ensured his privacy.
When Changmin mumbled "almost there" and the neighbourhood they drove through seemed familiar even in the dark, Jaejoong's uneasy feeling came back, stronger than before.
The driver stopped the car in front of a gate that very slowly started to slide open. Jaejoong's hand went to his seatbelt, because he felt he might need to run.
"Why are you taking me here? This is Yoochun's house."
Changmin looked at him. "No. This is my house."
Jaejoong could only back stare at him in shock. He was lying. Why would he lie about this? Why were they here?
"So I was right. You're the one." Changmin sounded pleased with himself, but his face revealed nothing, which made it scary. "Yoochun refused to give me any details, but I remembered your name from an earlier conversation."
"You know Yoochun?" Jaejoong's heart was pounding in his chest.
"We've known each other for a long time. He's my friend," Changmin paused to tell the driver to turn off the engine and leave. They were still outside of the gate. The man seemed confused but he didn't question it. Changmin turned back to Jaejoong. "You broke his heart."
He had? Jaejoong still wanted to run away, but now he also wanted to listen. "What do you want from me?"
"I'm not going to beat you up or anything, Yoochun would kill me if he found out, I just think there is something you should know."
Jaejoong waited.
"I want you to know that he's worked very hard for every gift you probably took for granted. I don't know what he paid you, and I know that it's none of my business, but I can't just let you get away with thinking he's just another rich bastard you happily used."
Jaejoong clutched the seatbelt with both his hands. "What do you mean?"
"Yoochun teaches English and assists with foreign transactions. He does work with big companies, but the amount he charges them is ridiculously low. He lacks my business sense and ambition, but I think that makes him a better man. Lately he's been spending all his money on new suits and whatever he buys you. I thought you should know that you drained him. He has never owned this house either. I do."
Jaejoong didn't want to believe him. "I've never seen you here."
"I'm not here often. I have an apartment in the city, and another house in Tokyo. Yoochun looks after this one for me. I don't pay him, but I let him live here for free."
"But he gave me more than I asked for."
"Because he was afraid you'd find someone else if it wasn't enough, obviously, you probably told him that. Isn't that what you do?"
"He would have told me." Jaejoong's voice wavered.
"Would he? Would he have told you he couldn't afford you? He seemed pretty smitten. And he's stubbornly proud. He never lets me buy him anything."
Jaejoong didn't want to hear more. He felt the guilt might crush him and actually stop his heart. He finally released his seatbelt and reached for the door.
"You're leaving?" Changmin said. "I wasn't done yet. I believe you owe me a 2000 dollar rug."
Jaejoong froze.
"Yoochun insists he spilled the wine himself, but I know him better than that. There's a reason he's the only person I allow to drive my cars besides myself and my driver."
"I'm.. I can pay you back, you have my contact information. I.. I have to go."
"Are you sure you don't want to go inside? I think you forgot your coat the last time you were here. And Yoochun might want to talk to you."
If Changmin meant for Yoochun to see him, he would have told his driver to drive the car up to the house. Yoochun probably didn't want to talk to him at all. And Jaejoong couldn't face him, definitely not now that he knew.. He pushed the door open.
"You think it's okay to use people just because they can afford it," Changmin said behind him. "I hate people like you for personal reasons, even if you aren't completely wrong. But you were wrong about Yoochun. I wanted you to know that, and I hope you have enough of a conscience to feel bad about it."
Jaejoong got out of the car and walked. He walked for almost an hour, away from… just away. There were certain things he couldn't escape no matter how far he went.
He finally collected himself enough to take the bus, but not home to the cursed apartment he couldn't afford, and not to his parents because he definitely couldn't face them now. He didn't want to face Junsu either, but he was the only person who'd seen him in a similar state before and had known what to do.
Junsu had told him not to come to him, but he couldn't have meant that. Junsu had threatened to kill him more than once, and to drug him and ship him off to another country. They were only words. When Jaejoong thought about it, Junsu was the most loyal friend imaginable, the only one who'd had the patience to listen to all the Hyunjoong bullshit and drag him through that.
Junsu didn't answer his calls and ignored his text saying that he was at the door, so Jaejoong was forced to ring the bell. Hyukjae, one of Junsu's housemates, opened the door but immediately blocked the opening.
"Please let me in," Jaejoong said.
"Junsu told me not to unless you're covered in blood or something."
Normally Jaejoong would have made a joke like: "get me a knife then", but now, when he was probably capable of actually cutting himself, when he really seriously needed Junsu, he couldn't say anything. He just gave up.
Hyukjae gave him a worried look. "Are you okay?"
'I wouldn't be here begging you to let me in if I was okay' …he couldn't even say that out loud. He just nodded and turned around.
He walked down the stairs and crossed the road and then he didn't know where to go. He dragged his feet a few more steps, turned a corner and leaned against a wall, slid down to sit on the ground. He deserved to be deserted. He'd been a terrible friend, someone who is bitchy most of the time and only returns calls and visits when he needs something.
He'd have dumped himself a long time ago if he could.
He didn't hear the footsteps and he didn't notice that someone was standing next to him until he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Come on," Junsu said. "I'll kick the guys off the couch and get you something to drink and you tell me what happened."
7. Coffee
5. Banana
4. Wine
3. Mango
2. Cake
1. Chocolate
Pairing: ChunJae
Length: Chaptered
Summary: Jaejoong thinks he found just another sugar daddy to support him, but Yoochun is a different kind of sweet.
"Did I say something wrong?" Yoochun asked. "I'm sorry."
Jaejoong knew his face revealed his sudden bad mood, but he couldn't find the strength or motivation to do something about it.
Yoochun walked around the kitchen counter and stopped right next to him. For a second he seemed unsure about what to do next, then he opened his arms and said: "I'm sorry for ruining the mood. Will a hug bring it back?"
Jaejoong surrendered without hesitation and leaned against him. Yoochun hugged him and pressed his face into his damp hair.
"You smell like me," Yoochun said. He sounded almost sad about it.
"I'm sorry I used your shampoo, but I don't think you smell bad," Jaejoong said.
"No," Yoochun said, with a gentle and sincere look in his eyes, "but I love the smell of you."
Yoochun always did this, say thinks like that when Jaejoong wasn't suspecting it, when he had his guard down. The cheesiness should make him want to gag, but it didn't, not with Yoochun.
Yoochun hadn't showered yet, and a faint smell of sex still clung to him. He smelled manly. Jaejoong closed his eyes for a moment to focus on this and the warmth of the arms around him. Yoochun used the opportunity to peck his lips. He pulled back with a smile.
If anyone else annoyed him and then tried to kiss him soon after, he'd surely want to punch them in the face, but not Yoochun.
In his head he heard Yunho ask him if he'd ever had feelings for a sugar daddy.
It hit him then, the way realisations sometimes appear out of nowhere and crash down on you with brutal force.
Did he hate it so much to be reminded of the fact that Yoochun was his sugar daddy? Why? Or was he upset because the question had been asked so casually that it sounded like Yoochun didn't care if there were others? But if he didn't care, why had he asked about it?
More importantly though, why did Jaejoong care if Yoochun cared or not?
He'd said 'I'm good for now', but he meant 'I don't want anyone else ever again'. He knew this, he felt it was true, and it scared him.
He'd tried so hard not to get emotionally involved, or so he told himself, and he'd failed miserably. Had he tried at all?
He tried to put this into perspective. Maybe he was just falling for the first guy in a long time who was nice to him. It could be just a silly crush. He might feel different tomorrow.
He knew he wouldn't.
"What are you thinking about now?" Yoochun asked.
Jaejoong stepped away from him. "I remembered I have an important appointment after all," he said. "I should go."
"Jaejoong?"
"I'm sorry. Thank you for.. the food was great." He turned around, but he didn't make it out of the kitchen before Yoochun's hand was on his shoulder.
"Jaejoong, don't run away from me. Tell me what I've done wrong."
Jaejoong stopped and turned back. He didn't want Yoochun to feel guilty. "It's not important."
"It is. You're acting like I hurt you. Is it because of last night? Please tell me it's not."
"It's not."
Yoochun looked even more pained. "Tell me the truth."
Jaejoong looked into his eyes. "It's not. I wanted it and you were great. I have to go now."
"Jaejoong, wait."
"I'll call you."
Yoochun gave up then. Jaejoong was both relieved and disappointed. He found his shoes and tried to remember if he had a coat and where it would be. He decided he didn't care and he just had to get out of here.
He walked quickly, taking strong confident steps that led him away from the house, away from Yoochun. He was in control. And maybe, if he walked fast enough, he could blame his watery eyes on the wind.
Yoochun called. He ignored the call, which made him feel guilty. Yoochun called again. Jaejoong knew he should respond soon.
Yoochun hadn't done anything wrong, except be rich and lonely and a member of that site, and they still had their agreement. Jaejoong still received his money. It was like he was skipping work. That thought made him feel worse.
When had this turned into a job anyway? It had been fun in the beginning, exciting, his very first sugar daddy. He didn't know when he'd lost control. It had turned into a way to make money, not something he enjoyed. He started to feel guilty then. And now, with Yoochun, something even worse had happened.
Falling in love shouldn't be a bad thing, but under those circumstances it was. The problem wasn't if Yoochun felt the same or not. Jaejoong could probably deal with rejection, not easily, but he'd survive.
The real problem was that he wouldn't be able to live with himself wondering if he had really let someone pay his way into his heart.
He didn't even want to think about what Junsu would say of that.
For two days he avoided Yoochun's calls. Yoochun sent him a text.
I shouldn't have had sex with you. I didn't mean to hurt you. Is there any way I can make this right again?
Jaejoong running out the morning after had given him the wrong idea. Of course it had. Jaejoong cursed himself.
Yoochun seemed to be a good person. Jaejoong intuitively trusted him. But good people can do bad things, by mistake or because they change. Jaejoong had trusted a man before, someone who never even paid him but still treated him like a whore in the end.
Yoochun did pay him. That made it even more amazing that he was so kind and patient, but at the same time it meant he'd have a great excuse to change the way he treated him in the future.
The only thing Yoochun had done wrong was contact him through the site instead of any other way, and even though he knew he was being unfair, Jaejoong couldn't forgive him for that.
It had never been easy to 'break up' with a sugar daddy. In most cases he was afraid of their reaction. But afterwards he'd always been sure he made the right decision. If they wanted too much and he felt threatened, he refused to meet them again.
"Jaejoong? I'm so glad you called. Can we talk?"
Jaejoong's heart leaped just hearing that voice. He didn't feel threatened by it, he longed for it. It wasn't Yoochun who scared him, but his own feelings. If he met him again, he knew he'd fall deeper and deeper.
"I called because I want to end our.. professional relationship… and any relationship. I mean.. you know what I mean."
There was a silence. Jaejoong was tempted to end the call, but he couldn't do it.
"I really want to have this conversation face to face." Yoochun said. "If you don't want to come here anymore, please tell me where you live, or don't, I don't mind. I can meet you in the city. Wherever you want."
If they were together, there was the risk of Yoochun kissing him again to convince him. That would be bad, because it might work.
"I don't want to see you anymore."
"Do you need more money? You should have told me.. I.. what do you need?"
"Is money all I'm worth to you?"
"Jaejoong.. I don't understand. Do you want something else?"
What Jaejoong wanted was to start over completely, to forget that Yoochun had ever been his sugar daddy and to meet him somewhere other than the site, to get asked on a date and fall for him again.
"I want a real relationship, but not with you."
He turned off his phone, and didn't feel like he'd made the right decision at all.
He stared at the wall for a long time. He could call back, but would Yoochun talk to him after being treated like that?
The longer he thought about it, the more stupid his reasons for ending it seemed. True, their start wasn't normal or romantic, but things could change. And yes, there was a possibility of getting hurt, but love is supposed to hurt.
Junsu used to tell him this every day until he pretended to believe it to get him to shut up. One bad relationship isn't a reason to turn your back on love forever. Eventually getting hurt one way or another is inevitable, but there's someone out there who's worth it.
He'd have to stop accepting money and expensive gifts for it to feel like a normal relationship, and Yoochun would understand that. Yoochun had actually told him to leave this life behind him and to just follow his dream.
But.. after all that there was still a but. Yoochun had never completely opened up to him the way he expected Jaejoong to open up to him. There had always been an air of mystery surrounding his job and his past and all those details of his life that he didn't like to talk about.
Jaejoong was pretty sure Yoochun liked him as more than a sugar baby, but Yoochun's obvious flirting formed such a sharp contrast with his otherwise secretive behaviour that it made him wary. He didn't quite get Yoochun. Jaejoong didn't know if he was really hiding something big or if it was just a feeling, but it was a feeling he couldn't shake off.
The thinking and doubting and guessing gave him a headache. He realised he was hungry as well and when he looked up he saw it was dark outside. He wanted to go clubbing, to drink and forget like he usually did when he felt this bad, but he remembered he could run into Yoochun in a club, so he ate whatever he found in his fridge and took a long, long shower instead.
He couldn't motivate himself to properly dry his hair. He shivered and squirmed as annoying drops of cold water dripped down his back when he sat on the floor and opened his laptop.
It had been three days since the call, and he hadn't yet dared to turn on his phone. He'd even sent his parents an email saying it was broken so they wouldn't worry.
He'd started to read incoming messages from the website again. He knew he should stop this, it made him miserable and he was losing his best friend over it, but if he did, he couldn't afford this apartment. He told himself he could really use the money. However he looked at it, it would be best not to accumulate debts or burden his parents.
His headache wouldn't go away, so he told himself he had a cold and he needed to rest. A broken heart couldn't make your head hurt, could it? He only went out to buy food and he watched movies to keep his mind busy. Meanwhile he read every message that came in, but none of them appealed to him. He blocked a few men who just wouldn't give up.
He was sitting on his bed watching a movie when someone pounded on his door. He jumped and his first thought was Yoochun. It couldn't be Yoochun, could it? He'd been careful never to tell him where he lived. But maybe Yoochun was really with the mafia and he had him followed?
Jaejoong wanted to laugh at his own ridiculous thoughts, but part of him got excited about seeing Yoochun again, so excited that he felt disappointment when he heard Junsu's voice along with more pounding.
"Jaejoong! I know you're in there, your neighbours told me."
"The neighbours could be wrong," Jaejoong mumbled. He muted his movie and sat very still, as if Junsu could hear him move through the door. He wasn't ready to face him yet. With his negative reaction to the whole sugar daddy thing, Junsu might not understand how he felt about Yoochun.
"Fuck, Jae, if you don't open the door I'll call the police!"
Jaejoong cursed and got up. He hated Junsu sometimes, he hated him and he loved him, but lately Junsu always pissed him off so the love part didn't show.
"I'm calling right now!"
He yanked the door open and pulled Junsu, who was actually holding his phone to his ear, inside.
Jaejoong closed the door and glared at him. "Keep it down. This is not a student house. My neighbours will think I'm crazy."
Junsu glared back. "I was worried about you, you dickhead! Yunho is too. Turn on your phone and come to class if you want me to leave you alone."
"You really are worse than my mother. I had a cold and my phone is broken."
Junsu lowered his voice. "Really? Because if there's something else, you can tell m-"
"There is nothing else," Jaejoong said. "I can take care of myself." It took effort not to yell at Junsu to shut up and stop trying to get him to talk about things he didn't want to talk about.
Junsu closed his eyes and sighed, as if he was trying to stay calm too. "I've really had enough of this you know. I was so close to forgiving you for keeping all this stuff from me, but if you're still lying to me.. what do you want me to do?"
"Ignore it and leave me alone while I sort out my life?"
"So you admit that you're lying."
"I don't have to tell you everything."
"Fine," Junsu just glared at him for a while. "Whatever." He shook his head. "I'll really try not to care about what you do anymore. But don't you dare come running to me when you do get your ass in trouble." He turned around and left.
Jaejoong closed the door behind him and leaned against it. This was exactly the problem. The nagging and being forced to lie had annoyed him so much that he hadn't had a chance to tell Junsu how much he appreciated that he somehow still cared.
Still frustrated, he went back to his computer, did one quick scan of his inbox and found a potential new sugar daddy. It was almost like he hadn't really been looking before.
There were two things that made this new message stand out from the others.
One was that this man mentioned his job - owner of a large company - and the size of his capital - very big. Jaejoong found the truth to these facts all over the internet.
The other thing was that the words he used made him sound arrogant and detached.. businesslike.
Jaejoong had read a lot of messages and then met the men who wrote them. He wasn't often wrong about personalities. This man would be someone he needed right now, someone who would just buy him, use him and dismiss him when he grew bored, someone he wouldn't get emotionally involved with no matter what.
That this man was the same age as Yoochun was the only negative thing.
Shim Changmin was waiting for him in a crowded bar, with a scotch in his hand and a bored look on his face. Jaejoong recognised him from the picture he sent, but he probably would have managed without it. Changmin stood out because of he space around him. People seemed to sense he was a very influential man who didn't wish to be bothered.
When Jaejoong sat down next to him, Changmin acknowledged his presence with a small nod and said: "I couldn't remember how old you were, so I got you an ice tea."
Jaejoong didn't know if it was more shocking that this man didn't remember a simple detail like his age, or that he didn't really care if he was a minor or not.
His thoughts went to the warmth that Yoochun's favourite wine had spread through his body, but he shouldn't compare, he shouldn't think about Yoochun at all. He forced his fake smile, the one Yoochun had never fallen for. "Thank you. I was thirsty." He brought the glass to his lips and glanced at Changmin though his eyelashes.
Changmin might as well have been a statue. He either possessed no human emotions or he had a very good poker face.
"What do you want to talk about?" Jaejoong asked.
There was no small talk with Changmin. "I don't like this location. Someone might recognise me. Do you mind continuing our conversation at my house?"
What conversation? Jaejoong wanted to ask. Instead he narrowed his eyes and said: "You are aware of my rules?" The man couldn't have read his profile and email very thoroughly if he didn't even know his age.
"No sex, yes, I can read. Don't worry, that's not the reason behind my suggestion."
He said it in a way that sounded like having sex with him was the last thing he'd want to do. That could be comforting, but it gave Jaejoong a very uncomfortable feeling. What else did this man want?
He ignored all the warning bells in his head and said: "I don't mind then." Like he wanted to put himself in danger. Maybe he deserved to get hurt.
"Very well. Follow me to my car." Changmin stood up and walked away, without even a hint of a smile.
Jaejoong hadn't finished his ice tea yet. He took the lemon slice from his glass and bit down on it. His face twitched at the sourness.
Changmin's car screamed owned by rich bastard who will send three lawyers after you if you scratch the paint. There was even a driver waiting for them.
Changmin wasn't very talkative in the car either. Jaejoong didn't care enough to try. He stared out the window and could only feel some vague curiosity about Changmin's house. He seemed like the kind of guy who owned an apartment building, not one apartment, or maybe a castle. Jaejoong hadn't been able to find any information about that online. Undoubtably Changmin's lawyers ensured his privacy.
When Changmin mumbled "almost there" and the neighbourhood they drove through seemed familiar even in the dark, Jaejoong's uneasy feeling came back, stronger than before.
The driver stopped the car in front of a gate that very slowly started to slide open. Jaejoong's hand went to his seatbelt, because he felt he might need to run.
"Why are you taking me here? This is Yoochun's house."
Changmin looked at him. "No. This is my house."
Jaejoong could only back stare at him in shock. He was lying. Why would he lie about this? Why were they here?
"So I was right. You're the one." Changmin sounded pleased with himself, but his face revealed nothing, which made it scary. "Yoochun refused to give me any details, but I remembered your name from an earlier conversation."
"You know Yoochun?" Jaejoong's heart was pounding in his chest.
"We've known each other for a long time. He's my friend," Changmin paused to tell the driver to turn off the engine and leave. They were still outside of the gate. The man seemed confused but he didn't question it. Changmin turned back to Jaejoong. "You broke his heart."
He had? Jaejoong still wanted to run away, but now he also wanted to listen. "What do you want from me?"
"I'm not going to beat you up or anything, Yoochun would kill me if he found out, I just think there is something you should know."
Jaejoong waited.
"I want you to know that he's worked very hard for every gift you probably took for granted. I don't know what he paid you, and I know that it's none of my business, but I can't just let you get away with thinking he's just another rich bastard you happily used."
Jaejoong clutched the seatbelt with both his hands. "What do you mean?"
"Yoochun teaches English and assists with foreign transactions. He does work with big companies, but the amount he charges them is ridiculously low. He lacks my business sense and ambition, but I think that makes him a better man. Lately he's been spending all his money on new suits and whatever he buys you. I thought you should know that you drained him. He has never owned this house either. I do."
Jaejoong didn't want to believe him. "I've never seen you here."
"I'm not here often. I have an apartment in the city, and another house in Tokyo. Yoochun looks after this one for me. I don't pay him, but I let him live here for free."
"But he gave me more than I asked for."
"Because he was afraid you'd find someone else if it wasn't enough, obviously, you probably told him that. Isn't that what you do?"
"He would have told me." Jaejoong's voice wavered.
"Would he? Would he have told you he couldn't afford you? He seemed pretty smitten. And he's stubbornly proud. He never lets me buy him anything."
Jaejoong didn't want to hear more. He felt the guilt might crush him and actually stop his heart. He finally released his seatbelt and reached for the door.
"You're leaving?" Changmin said. "I wasn't done yet. I believe you owe me a 2000 dollar rug."
Jaejoong froze.
"Yoochun insists he spilled the wine himself, but I know him better than that. There's a reason he's the only person I allow to drive my cars besides myself and my driver."
"I'm.. I can pay you back, you have my contact information. I.. I have to go."
"Are you sure you don't want to go inside? I think you forgot your coat the last time you were here. And Yoochun might want to talk to you."
If Changmin meant for Yoochun to see him, he would have told his driver to drive the car up to the house. Yoochun probably didn't want to talk to him at all. And Jaejoong couldn't face him, definitely not now that he knew.. He pushed the door open.
"You think it's okay to use people just because they can afford it," Changmin said behind him. "I hate people like you for personal reasons, even if you aren't completely wrong. But you were wrong about Yoochun. I wanted you to know that, and I hope you have enough of a conscience to feel bad about it."
Jaejoong got out of the car and walked. He walked for almost an hour, away from… just away. There were certain things he couldn't escape no matter how far he went.
He finally collected himself enough to take the bus, but not home to the cursed apartment he couldn't afford, and not to his parents because he definitely couldn't face them now. He didn't want to face Junsu either, but he was the only person who'd seen him in a similar state before and had known what to do.
Junsu had told him not to come to him, but he couldn't have meant that. Junsu had threatened to kill him more than once, and to drug him and ship him off to another country. They were only words. When Jaejoong thought about it, Junsu was the most loyal friend imaginable, the only one who'd had the patience to listen to all the Hyunjoong bullshit and drag him through that.
Junsu didn't answer his calls and ignored his text saying that he was at the door, so Jaejoong was forced to ring the bell. Hyukjae, one of Junsu's housemates, opened the door but immediately blocked the opening.
"Please let me in," Jaejoong said.
"Junsu told me not to unless you're covered in blood or something."
Normally Jaejoong would have made a joke like: "get me a knife then", but now, when he was probably capable of actually cutting himself, when he really seriously needed Junsu, he couldn't say anything. He just gave up.
Hyukjae gave him a worried look. "Are you okay?"
'I wouldn't be here begging you to let me in if I was okay' …he couldn't even say that out loud. He just nodded and turned around.
He walked down the stairs and crossed the road and then he didn't know where to go. He dragged his feet a few more steps, turned a corner and leaned against a wall, slid down to sit on the ground. He deserved to be deserted. He'd been a terrible friend, someone who is bitchy most of the time and only returns calls and visits when he needs something.
He'd have dumped himself a long time ago if he could.
He didn't hear the footsteps and he didn't notice that someone was standing next to him until he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Come on," Junsu said. "I'll kick the guys off the couch and get you something to drink and you tell me what happened."
7. Coffee
5. Banana
4. Wine
3. Mango
2. Cake
1. Chocolate