Aspartame 7/8
Title: Aspartame
Pairing: ChunJae
Length: Chaptered
Summary: Jaejoong thinks he found just another sugar daddy to support him, but Yoochun is a different kind of sweet.
Junsu kept giving him worried looks that Jaejoong didn't think he deserved, but he was so happy to be allowed inside that he didn't dare say anything.
Hyukjae and Kyuhyun left the living room without complaining, so they had the couch to themselves. Junsu asked him if he needed alcohol. He shook his head and said that whatever else was fine.
He wanted to be sober for this conversation, even if it hurt. But so far their conversation hadn't moved past that one question.
Jaejoong waited as Junsu observed him.
"Are you hurt?" Junsu finally asked.
"Emotionally."
"..okay," Junsu said, "you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to talk about it. Are you going to tell me or should I guess?"
Jaejoong didn't know where to start. "Ask me," he said.
"Did one of your sugar daddies do something to you?"
"There is only one.. was.. only one. And he.. he wasn't as rich as I thought he was. He gave me all he had. I didn't know."
"That's not very smart of him," Junsu said. "Is that what this is about?"
"He's not stupid!" Jaejoong felt a strong need to defend Yoochun. "Why?" he continued, more to himself than to Junsu. "Why did he do that?"
"I guess he must have liked you a lot?" Junsu said. He paused, then asked: "Why are you so upset over this?"
"I didn't know.. I wouldn't have accepted.. I didn't need the money that badly."
"I say it's his money, his decision, his problem. And I assume you did.. do things for him in return."
"It wasn't like that!" He'd wanted to stay calm this time, but he couldn't. "He didn't expect anything of me, he just gave me everything and took nothing! I didn't do anything that felt like a chore or that I didn't want."
"So.." Junsu said, still calm. "You wish he hadn't paid you at all. You wish you could turn it all back. ..because you have feelings for him."
Jaejoong lifted his head and looked into Junsu's eyes. "How would you know-"
"You're not denying it," Junsu said. "Really, Jaejoong? Is this the same man you wanted to have sex with? ..did you?"
After that, Jaejoong surrendered and just started talking. He needed to explain. He told Junsu everything about Yoochun. He only held back the details of their dates, because those were private, happy memories.
A few things that seemed strange before suddenly made sense as he recalled them. He mentioned running out on Yoochun and about his meeting with Changmin. He only paused once when Kyuhyun came in to bring them tea. Junsu listened quietly.
When he was done, Jaejoong downed his tea like it was a shot of alcohol. Junsu looked pensive for a moment.
"So you really like him?" he asked.
"Even more now that I know.. god, I hate myself so much."
"And you're sure Changmin wasn't just messing with you?"
Jaejoong didn't have to think long. "He's not the type. His story made sense too."
Junsu nodded. "Do you want my advice?" he asked.
"Do I?"
"I don't know about this Yoochun," Junsu said carefully. "I don't know him of course, but I mean, he wasn't very honest with you. And maybe it's just me, but I would distrust any man who'd rather buy me than put some effort in."
"He's not like that," Jaejoong said, even though he worried about the same thing. He lowered his face into his hands. "I wish I could just.. turn back time."
Junsu sighed. "I gotta tell you, this feels like Hyunjoong all over again."
"It's worse than Hyunjoong. This is all my fault. Yoochun didn't cheat on me. He didn't do anything wrong."
"He lied to you about being rich."
"He never said he was rich. And when he talked about 'his house' it was actually where he lived. I just assumed he owned it."
"He knew you'd think that. It still sounds like lying to me. Do you want to start a relationship with someone who's good at hiding the truth? Doesn't that seem dangerous to you? I mean he was a fake sugar daddy-"
"He wasn't fake. He gave me real money and he never treated me badly, and he didn't really lie to me. He didn't."
"Remember how much you trusted Hyu-"
"He's not like Hyunjoong!" Jaejoong snapped. "Stop comparing them!"
Junsu raised his hands defensively. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm being overprotective. But what do you want to do? Do you want to give him his money back? Do you want to beg him to take you back? Do you want to give up on love forever, or life? You've been through a mental breakdown before. I only want to know if I should keep you from doing something stupid."
Jaejoong wrapped his hand around his necklace. He was still wearing it. "I don't know."
"The lack of a detailed suicide plan is comforting, but you don't sound very happy."
"I don't think I can face him. And I don't know if he would accept the money.. if I even have enough to pay him back. I don't know, Su. I just don't know."
"Okay, different question. Are you going to find a new sugar daddy?"
Jaejoong pretended to think about that. "I don't know," he finally said. He told himself that he needed time to weigh the pros and cons again and keep his options open. But really, he knew the answer right away.
Jaejoong lay on the couch, still half covered by the blanket he'd slept under. The TV was on, but he was staring at the ceiling. He hadn't touched the food on the plate that Kyuhyun first set on the floor and then on his stomach.
Kyuhyun came out of his room, observed the scene, sighed and said: "I have to go to class now, try to eat some of that." Then he left, and Jaejoong was alone again.
He didn't know how much time passed; there wasn't much change in the ceiling, but when the door opened and Junsu came in, he knew it was too early for him to be done with his research.
"I thought you were going to the library," he said.
"Kyuhyun called and said there was a high possibility of you killing yourself today." Junsu looked at the food and frowned.
Jaejoong rolled his eyes. "I won't." He put a piece of egg in his mouth to prove it. The taste was too salty, which meant that Hyukjae made this or his senses were effected by his emotions. Either way, it would taste a lot better if it was Yoochun telling him to eat.
"Good," Junsu said.
"You didn't have to come back right away." He didn't want to be a burden to his friends, and he was very well capable of being miserable on his own.
"I wasn't going to, but they kicked me out for accepting a phone call and cursing loudly to myself about emotionally unstable friends." Junsu pulled a chair close to the couch by Jaejoong's head. He sat down and sighed.
Jaejoong turned his head and gave him a look.
"Okay, not really 'kicked out', but the stares were making me uncomfortable, so I decided to check if you were still glued to our couch."
"I'll be gone soon, and back to class, I promise. You don't have to go psychotherapist on me."
"I want to," Junsu said, "I want to talk."
"We talked yesterday."
"You're still just as miserable, so that talk failed."
Jaejoong looked back at the ceiling. "Why are you even my friend? I don't deserve you."
"Well," Junsu said, thinking for a moment, "you're pretty fun to be around when you're not going through a breakup. And I actually don't even mind the dramatic phases that much. I think I was a therapist in a former life."
"So the therapist in you likes me because I'm an emotional wreck half the time."
"You're also the only person I shared my totally embarrassing coming out story and dating history with and you still haven't told anyone. You haven't, right?"
"I'm saving it for your wedding."
Junsu punched his shoulder. "Actually, I'm just your friend because you let me copy all your notes and I wouldn't have made it through freshman year without you."
Jaejoong smiled. "You were dating too much and always skipped morning classes."
"There is no such thing as too much dating.. as long as you don't do it for money."
Jaejoong narrowed his eyes.
"I'm sorry," Junsu said. "I must have been a really bad therapist, guilt tripping his patients."
"No, it's fine. I know how you feel about the sugar daddy thing, and I completely agree with you. I was just wondering why you haven't dated anyone in months. I just realised. That's so not you."
"Wait," Junsu said. "Rewind. You agree with me? You don't like it either?"
Jaejoong looked away again. "I know you think I'm okay with it, but I'm not, I pretend to be. I haven't felt happy doing this for along time. I tell myself it doesn't bother me, but I'm selling myself. I hate it. And I can't start a serious relationship with someone who initially bought me..."
Junsu was quiet for a while, watching him. "But you actually want to, don't you? Is this Yoochun really that great?"
Jaejoong didn't reply.
"Okay." Junsu said decidedly. "You should talk to him."
"I thought you said he was 'dangerous'."
"I also said I don't know him. You should at least.. clear things up. Right now you're hating yourself because you let him go, and that's something you can try to fix. It is unacceptable to turn into a couch zombie over something within your own control. There are rules you know, and we have only one couch."
"I can't.. I don't know.. What do I even say to him?"
"What do you want to say?"
Jaejoong remembered Yoochun's eyes, how they saw right through him. Yoochun knew he was unhappy doing this. He'd liked him for it.
"I want to be able to tell him that I found a proper job, that I'm studying hard, have the best friends and that I'm doing great. I want to talk to him as an equal."
"I knew you were still in there somewhere." Junsu smiled. "Does this mean you're going to stop being a sugar baby?"
"Yes," Jaejoong said decidedly. "I'm sick of faking smiles and pretending to enjoy dates for men who might act kind but still think they're better than me because they have more money."
"See," Junsu said, "this is why I'm your friend."
Jaejoong groaned.
"What?"
"There's no way I can afford to keep my apartment."
"Hey, there are worse things than having to move back in with your parents," Junsu said. "But you're a lucky bastard."
"Why?"
"Kyuhyun is moving out next month and we haven't found a new housemate yet. And when I say found I mean chosen, because this house is popular, you have no idea. I can put in a good word for you. I just need to know how good you are at cleaning toilets."
".. you would let me live here?"
"I can't promise anything. Hyukjae has veto power. Have you done anything to piss him off lately?"
"Nothing worse than what I did to you."
Junsu narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. Not telling you anything, being a terrible friend.. do you want a formal apology?"
"Oh," Junsu said, "Yeah.. no. I forgive you for that."
Jaejoong had a hard time reading Junsu's expression, but he definitely felt he was missing something. "Wait, did I do something else? Something worse?"
Junsu threw a pillow at him. "This session has ended. I'll charge you later. And if you don't finish that food before Hyukjae gets home he'll be offended. Do you want to live with us or not?"
Studying kept his mind busy, but lying in bed trying to sleep gave him time to think, so he stayed awake until he couldn't. Working on designs sometimes gave him time to think too, so he downloaded an audiobook for extra distraction.
This way he wouldn't regret not meeting Yoochun, because he simply hadn't had an opportunity to consider it.
He'd gone back to his own apartment for now, but Junsu still kept a close eye on him, calling him even when he was a few minutes late for class. And after a week, he called to ask about Yoochun.
Jaejoong made a noise that was supposed to indicate that he didn't want to talk about this.
"Did you talk to him?"
"Not yet." He wanted to change the subject. "You have a part time job at the university, don't you?"
Junsu was quiet for a while but then answered the question. "Yeah, student affairs, administration stuff, but you don't want my job. Yunho's pays better and it's much more fun, takes skill though."
"What does Yunho do?"
"He's a bartender. Have you been listening to us at all lately?"
"I knew that," Jaejoong said. "Sorry, I forgot."
"So you're really looking for a job? Do you have any experience?"
"My parents run a convenience store and I used to help them out. I'd rather not go back there though."
Junsu thought for a moment.
"Hyukjae's sister owns a coffee shop. I can ask him to ask her for you."
"I feel bad when you keep helping me out like this and I don't do anything in return."
"Don't worry about it. It's not your fault I'm way too good for this world."
Jaejoong rolled his eyes at that, but silently promised to be a better friend from now on.
Jaejoong was so absorbed in summarising information and then typing it out that he didn't notice there was someone behind him, until a hand reached for the book lying next to his laptop.
He barely managed to avoid getting hit in the head with it as he spun around. Junsu slammed it down on his desk instead. "You need to get out of here."
"I'm fine, thanks."
Junsu gave him an exasperated look. "You're sitting at your desk. You never sit at your desk. What student works at their desk in the middle of the day unless they've given up on life?"
Jaejoong just hummed and turned around again, but Junsu reached over his shoulder and closed his laptop.
"You're moving in soon, we need to at least celebrate for that."
Jaejoong sighed. "Why did I give you the code to my apartment?"
"Because you promised to be a better friend."
That made an impact. Jaejoong still wasn't doing a very good job at this, he knew that.
"Okay, fine. Where do you want to go?"
"Doesn't matter, let's just hang out, with Yunho, like before. The usual, coffee, or food.. a movie maybe?"
Jaejoong didn't even remember the last time they went to the cinema, so he wouldn't call it 'the usual', but he shrugged. "Okay."
"Great, see you at eight."
"We're not going right now?"
"I have a project meeting first. And you need to shower. But if you're not there at eight I'll come back to drag you."
Just a little past eight, Jaejoong found Yunho at their favourite coffee shop, but Junsu wasn't there.
Yunho smiled widely. "So you are still alive. Long time no see."
Jaejoong rolled his eyes. "Why does everyone assume I'm about to kill myself? It's really getting old. Su isn't here yet?"
"We're just worried. You look.. never mind. No, I haven't seen him."
Jaejoong sighed and went to get coffee.
Yunho gave him a curious look when he came back. "You drink it black? I thought.. I almost bought you a latte before you got here."
Jaejoong took a sip. He hated the bitter taste. "I need it to stay awake."
Yunho's expression turned slightly worried. "When was the last time you slept for more than a couple of hours?"
"I need to work."
"A big project?"
"Something like that.. I guess.. I'm working on being a better person."
Yunho gave him a curious look.
"Don't ask, can we talk about something trivial please? I don't care how boring."
Yunho kept looking at him for a while longer, but then he grabbed a menu and started to make terrible puns with the drinks on it. Jaejoong couldn't help but laugh and feel a bit better.
Half an hour later, halfway through Jaejoong's second cup of black coffee, Junsu still wasn't there. He didn't pick up his phone either.
"I don't think he's coming," Yunho said.
"That's stupid. This was his idea, and he would tell us if something came up." Jaejoong tried calling again. "Dammit, Su, pick up, you bastard." He wondered if this was how Junsu felt when he worried about him.
Yunho sighed, reached out and took his phone away from his ear. "Look." He held out his own phone, with a message from Junsu on the screen.
Have a nice date. Thank me later.
Jaejoong raised his eyebrows. "What does that mean?"
"It means he wants me to confess my feelings for you, but I think it's a little too late for that. How are things with Yoochun?"
Jaejoong stared at him.
Yunho smiled and shook his head. "You really didn't know? That I had a crush on you?"
"I.. " Jaejoong tried to think. He couldn't deny he'd noticed some things in Yunho's behaviour. "I may have suspected something, but I kind of.. ignored it. Yunho, I'm really sorry. I do like you a lot as a friend, but-"
Yunho held up a hand. "You don't have to. If I wasn't expecting this response, I would have confessed confidently."
Yunho didn't sound upset, but Jaejoong still felt terrible.
There was a long awkward silence.
"We're friends.. right?" Jaejoong asked carefully.
Yunho smiled widely. "Yes, please."
Jaejoong returned his smile. "Are we still going to watch a movie?"
"Do you feel like it?"
Jaejoong considered lying, then said: ".. not really."
"Me neither. And I actually think it's better if you go home early and sleep."
"Maybe you're right." Jaejoong stared at his bitter coffee.
Neither of them moved.
Finally, Yunho cleared his throat and when he spoke he suddenly sounded unusually serious. "Jaejoong.. I need to tell you something."
Jaejoong's hands clenched around his cup. "There's more?"
"This is different. I need to confess something else. You know I found the site and your profile when I was crushing on you online like a true nerd. And I told you that I didn't tell anyone about it."
"Yes.. not even Junsu, right?"
"Not Junsu, but.. I told Yoochun. I'm sorry I lied to you. You already seemed so upset when I told you that I found out."
Jaejoong's heart reacted to hearing the name before his mind caught up. Maybe he should get mad at Yunho for sharing information like that, but all he could say was: "You know Yoochun?"
"He's a regular at the bar where I work. You are too, although I haven't seen either of you in a while." Yunho smiled again. "You really drink too much when you go out, you know that? You never once recognised me. I even thought you were ignoring me on purpose for a while."
Jaejoong didn't know how many more shocking revelations he could handle. "..I'm sorry.. I really didn't know. I don't go to meet people. I go to forget. I don't really look at faces."
"I know. So many guys tried to flirt with you and you were never interested. Yoochun was one of the few who actually dared to approach you, but he got rejected just like the others."
Jaejoong clenched his hands into fists. Yoochun had asked him out before.. the normal way? He had seemed vaguely familiar during their first dinner, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't remember where he'd seen him before.
Yoochun had asked him out and he didn't even remember. It must have been a bad night, because club nights were always bad, but that was hardly an excuse. It hurt.
Yunho kept talking. "He wasn't just a regular customer. He used to be my English tutor, back when my parents still thought I should study abroad." Yunho laughed. "I really sucked at anything that wasn't math, but he was very patient. He's a nice guy. I like him."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"You needed someone to treat you right, but you didn't even notice me. You were all caught up in the sugar daddy thing. I thought that if I told him about the site he might try to contact you that way. He seemed serious about liking you, and you were so completely unapproachable. I didn't tell him much, just that, and maybe that it would be your birthday soon."
"You never told me how you felt, but you told Yoochun to.. go for it? You helped him?"
"I'd say I regret it, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have made a difference. You didn't feel like dating anyone. You kept telling us. Maybe I was a coward, maybe my feelings just weren't strong enough.. I don't know. No offence, but right now I don't feel bad about giving you up, definitely not if it's to Yoochun."
Still trying to avoid thinking about that name, Jaejoong's brain was stuck in a loop. Why.. why couldn't it be Yunho?
Why didn't he notice that an attractive friend had a crush on him? Why did he fall for someone else instead, someone who was a lot older and pretended to be rich? What kind of person did that make him?
Yunho was a great guy. Jaejoong looked at him in a way he never had before.. tried to imagine..
"Stop it," Yunho said. "Don't force yourself. I'm not going to be the rebound guy. You miss him."
He did. He missed Yoochun, and not because of his money.
Junsu jumped up from the couch when Hyukjae let Jaejoong in. He started firing questions right away. "What are you doing here? Why are you back so early? What happened?"
"If you want to know what we did you should have come," Jaejoong said. "But you didn't miss much."
"Did you just wait for me. Is that all you did together? Really? Oh my god, Yunho is such an idiot."
Jaejoong feigned ignorance. "What do you mean?" He stepped around Junsu and dropped down on the couch. "Can I sleep here tonight? I don't feel like going home."
"He really didn't tell you anything?"
Jaejoong shrugged. "We drank coffee, and he said he liked me."
Junsu quickly sat down next to him. "What did you say? Did you reject him?"
"Yes, although I hardly said anything. He basically rejected himself. Why are you so interested?"
Junsu narrowed his eyes. "Did you hurt him? Jae, he has a serious crush on you. If you were an insensitive bitch about this I'm no longer your friend."
Jaejoong looked at him.
Talking with Yunho had reminded him of another suspicion he had. It was a guess, really, but he knew Junsu a lot better than he knew Yunho. He just hadn't paid either of them much attention lately.
"You like Yunho."
Junsu's expression and the sudden silence were a strong confirmation.
Jaejoong had a terrible thought then. "How long have you known? That he had a crush on me?"
"Did you honestly not know at all?" Junsu asked. He didn't sound angry or surprised, just a bit sad, but Jaejoong didn't know how much he was holding back.
".. I'm sorry.. that must have been.. I'm sorry."
"I was actually glad that you're a clueless idiot, though it wasn't fun to watch. You weren't consciously leading him on or anything. But it was still hard to convince myself that it's not really your fault that he doesn't notice me at all."
"Doesn't he hang out with you more than with me? I thought you were getting really close."
"Yeah, I know, it's great," Junsu said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "friendzoned."
"I'm sorry," Jaejoong said again.
"Stop apologising, or I might really find some way to blame you."
"But does he even know how you feel? Because if he doesn't I'm not sure if you can call it-"
"I did drop some hints, but there's no point. If you'd only paid him a little bit of attention you'd know. He would be telling me about the death of his grandma or something and the moment you walk in he's all sunshine and rainbows."
When he thought about it, Jaejoong couldn't remember seeing a weak or sad Yunho, not once. But if Yunho could be more himself around Junsu, wasn't that a good thing?
"Maybe he just never considered it because your hints weren't clear enough?"
"Don't even think about meddling," Junsu gave him a warning look. "This is my problem and I've already accepted things the way they are."
"Like Yunho did with me? What is wrong with you people? Are you going to love one-sidedly for the rest of your life? Don't set him up on a date with me. I feel bad now. And even if you're so sure he'll reject you, just confess and get rejected if that's what you need to move on."
Junsu snorted. "You are giving me advice on moving on?"
"I got over Hyunjoong didn't I? I'll.. I'll get over Yoochun too."
Junsu raised his eyebrows. "Okay. Ask me about Yunho again when you're done with that."
"Fine," Jaejoong said, "I'll try not to meddle." But he knew there couldn't have been a better opportunity to do something in return for Junsu's support.
8. Honey
6. Lemon
5. Banana
4. Wine
3. Mango
2. Cake
1. Chocolate
Pairing: ChunJae
Length: Chaptered
Summary: Jaejoong thinks he found just another sugar daddy to support him, but Yoochun is a different kind of sweet.
Junsu kept giving him worried looks that Jaejoong didn't think he deserved, but he was so happy to be allowed inside that he didn't dare say anything.
Hyukjae and Kyuhyun left the living room without complaining, so they had the couch to themselves. Junsu asked him if he needed alcohol. He shook his head and said that whatever else was fine.
He wanted to be sober for this conversation, even if it hurt. But so far their conversation hadn't moved past that one question.
Jaejoong waited as Junsu observed him.
"Are you hurt?" Junsu finally asked.
"Emotionally."
"..okay," Junsu said, "you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to talk about it. Are you going to tell me or should I guess?"
Jaejoong didn't know where to start. "Ask me," he said.
"Did one of your sugar daddies do something to you?"
"There is only one.. was.. only one. And he.. he wasn't as rich as I thought he was. He gave me all he had. I didn't know."
"That's not very smart of him," Junsu said. "Is that what this is about?"
"He's not stupid!" Jaejoong felt a strong need to defend Yoochun. "Why?" he continued, more to himself than to Junsu. "Why did he do that?"
"I guess he must have liked you a lot?" Junsu said. He paused, then asked: "Why are you so upset over this?"
"I didn't know.. I wouldn't have accepted.. I didn't need the money that badly."
"I say it's his money, his decision, his problem. And I assume you did.. do things for him in return."
"It wasn't like that!" He'd wanted to stay calm this time, but he couldn't. "He didn't expect anything of me, he just gave me everything and took nothing! I didn't do anything that felt like a chore or that I didn't want."
"So.." Junsu said, still calm. "You wish he hadn't paid you at all. You wish you could turn it all back. ..because you have feelings for him."
Jaejoong lifted his head and looked into Junsu's eyes. "How would you know-"
"You're not denying it," Junsu said. "Really, Jaejoong? Is this the same man you wanted to have sex with? ..did you?"
After that, Jaejoong surrendered and just started talking. He needed to explain. He told Junsu everything about Yoochun. He only held back the details of their dates, because those were private, happy memories.
A few things that seemed strange before suddenly made sense as he recalled them. He mentioned running out on Yoochun and about his meeting with Changmin. He only paused once when Kyuhyun came in to bring them tea. Junsu listened quietly.
When he was done, Jaejoong downed his tea like it was a shot of alcohol. Junsu looked pensive for a moment.
"So you really like him?" he asked.
"Even more now that I know.. god, I hate myself so much."
"And you're sure Changmin wasn't just messing with you?"
Jaejoong didn't have to think long. "He's not the type. His story made sense too."
Junsu nodded. "Do you want my advice?" he asked.
"Do I?"
"I don't know about this Yoochun," Junsu said carefully. "I don't know him of course, but I mean, he wasn't very honest with you. And maybe it's just me, but I would distrust any man who'd rather buy me than put some effort in."
"He's not like that," Jaejoong said, even though he worried about the same thing. He lowered his face into his hands. "I wish I could just.. turn back time."
Junsu sighed. "I gotta tell you, this feels like Hyunjoong all over again."
"It's worse than Hyunjoong. This is all my fault. Yoochun didn't cheat on me. He didn't do anything wrong."
"He lied to you about being rich."
"He never said he was rich. And when he talked about 'his house' it was actually where he lived. I just assumed he owned it."
"He knew you'd think that. It still sounds like lying to me. Do you want to start a relationship with someone who's good at hiding the truth? Doesn't that seem dangerous to you? I mean he was a fake sugar daddy-"
"He wasn't fake. He gave me real money and he never treated me badly, and he didn't really lie to me. He didn't."
"Remember how much you trusted Hyu-"
"He's not like Hyunjoong!" Jaejoong snapped. "Stop comparing them!"
Junsu raised his hands defensively. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm being overprotective. But what do you want to do? Do you want to give him his money back? Do you want to beg him to take you back? Do you want to give up on love forever, or life? You've been through a mental breakdown before. I only want to know if I should keep you from doing something stupid."
Jaejoong wrapped his hand around his necklace. He was still wearing it. "I don't know."
"The lack of a detailed suicide plan is comforting, but you don't sound very happy."
"I don't think I can face him. And I don't know if he would accept the money.. if I even have enough to pay him back. I don't know, Su. I just don't know."
"Okay, different question. Are you going to find a new sugar daddy?"
Jaejoong pretended to think about that. "I don't know," he finally said. He told himself that he needed time to weigh the pros and cons again and keep his options open. But really, he knew the answer right away.
Jaejoong lay on the couch, still half covered by the blanket he'd slept under. The TV was on, but he was staring at the ceiling. He hadn't touched the food on the plate that Kyuhyun first set on the floor and then on his stomach.
Kyuhyun came out of his room, observed the scene, sighed and said: "I have to go to class now, try to eat some of that." Then he left, and Jaejoong was alone again.
He didn't know how much time passed; there wasn't much change in the ceiling, but when the door opened and Junsu came in, he knew it was too early for him to be done with his research.
"I thought you were going to the library," he said.
"Kyuhyun called and said there was a high possibility of you killing yourself today." Junsu looked at the food and frowned.
Jaejoong rolled his eyes. "I won't." He put a piece of egg in his mouth to prove it. The taste was too salty, which meant that Hyukjae made this or his senses were effected by his emotions. Either way, it would taste a lot better if it was Yoochun telling him to eat.
"Good," Junsu said.
"You didn't have to come back right away." He didn't want to be a burden to his friends, and he was very well capable of being miserable on his own.
"I wasn't going to, but they kicked me out for accepting a phone call and cursing loudly to myself about emotionally unstable friends." Junsu pulled a chair close to the couch by Jaejoong's head. He sat down and sighed.
Jaejoong turned his head and gave him a look.
"Okay, not really 'kicked out', but the stares were making me uncomfortable, so I decided to check if you were still glued to our couch."
"I'll be gone soon, and back to class, I promise. You don't have to go psychotherapist on me."
"I want to," Junsu said, "I want to talk."
"We talked yesterday."
"You're still just as miserable, so that talk failed."
Jaejoong looked back at the ceiling. "Why are you even my friend? I don't deserve you."
"Well," Junsu said, thinking for a moment, "you're pretty fun to be around when you're not going through a breakup. And I actually don't even mind the dramatic phases that much. I think I was a therapist in a former life."
"So the therapist in you likes me because I'm an emotional wreck half the time."
"You're also the only person I shared my totally embarrassing coming out story and dating history with and you still haven't told anyone. You haven't, right?"
"I'm saving it for your wedding."
Junsu punched his shoulder. "Actually, I'm just your friend because you let me copy all your notes and I wouldn't have made it through freshman year without you."
Jaejoong smiled. "You were dating too much and always skipped morning classes."
"There is no such thing as too much dating.. as long as you don't do it for money."
Jaejoong narrowed his eyes.
"I'm sorry," Junsu said. "I must have been a really bad therapist, guilt tripping his patients."
"No, it's fine. I know how you feel about the sugar daddy thing, and I completely agree with you. I was just wondering why you haven't dated anyone in months. I just realised. That's so not you."
"Wait," Junsu said. "Rewind. You agree with me? You don't like it either?"
Jaejoong looked away again. "I know you think I'm okay with it, but I'm not, I pretend to be. I haven't felt happy doing this for along time. I tell myself it doesn't bother me, but I'm selling myself. I hate it. And I can't start a serious relationship with someone who initially bought me..."
Junsu was quiet for a while, watching him. "But you actually want to, don't you? Is this Yoochun really that great?"
Jaejoong didn't reply.
"Okay." Junsu said decidedly. "You should talk to him."
"I thought you said he was 'dangerous'."
"I also said I don't know him. You should at least.. clear things up. Right now you're hating yourself because you let him go, and that's something you can try to fix. It is unacceptable to turn into a couch zombie over something within your own control. There are rules you know, and we have only one couch."
"I can't.. I don't know.. What do I even say to him?"
"What do you want to say?"
Jaejoong remembered Yoochun's eyes, how they saw right through him. Yoochun knew he was unhappy doing this. He'd liked him for it.
"I want to be able to tell him that I found a proper job, that I'm studying hard, have the best friends and that I'm doing great. I want to talk to him as an equal."
"I knew you were still in there somewhere." Junsu smiled. "Does this mean you're going to stop being a sugar baby?"
"Yes," Jaejoong said decidedly. "I'm sick of faking smiles and pretending to enjoy dates for men who might act kind but still think they're better than me because they have more money."
"See," Junsu said, "this is why I'm your friend."
Jaejoong groaned.
"What?"
"There's no way I can afford to keep my apartment."
"Hey, there are worse things than having to move back in with your parents," Junsu said. "But you're a lucky bastard."
"Why?"
"Kyuhyun is moving out next month and we haven't found a new housemate yet. And when I say found I mean chosen, because this house is popular, you have no idea. I can put in a good word for you. I just need to know how good you are at cleaning toilets."
".. you would let me live here?"
"I can't promise anything. Hyukjae has veto power. Have you done anything to piss him off lately?"
"Nothing worse than what I did to you."
Junsu narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. Not telling you anything, being a terrible friend.. do you want a formal apology?"
"Oh," Junsu said, "Yeah.. no. I forgive you for that."
Jaejoong had a hard time reading Junsu's expression, but he definitely felt he was missing something. "Wait, did I do something else? Something worse?"
Junsu threw a pillow at him. "This session has ended. I'll charge you later. And if you don't finish that food before Hyukjae gets home he'll be offended. Do you want to live with us or not?"
Studying kept his mind busy, but lying in bed trying to sleep gave him time to think, so he stayed awake until he couldn't. Working on designs sometimes gave him time to think too, so he downloaded an audiobook for extra distraction.
This way he wouldn't regret not meeting Yoochun, because he simply hadn't had an opportunity to consider it.
He'd gone back to his own apartment for now, but Junsu still kept a close eye on him, calling him even when he was a few minutes late for class. And after a week, he called to ask about Yoochun.
Jaejoong made a noise that was supposed to indicate that he didn't want to talk about this.
"Did you talk to him?"
"Not yet." He wanted to change the subject. "You have a part time job at the university, don't you?"
Junsu was quiet for a while but then answered the question. "Yeah, student affairs, administration stuff, but you don't want my job. Yunho's pays better and it's much more fun, takes skill though."
"What does Yunho do?"
"He's a bartender. Have you been listening to us at all lately?"
"I knew that," Jaejoong said. "Sorry, I forgot."
"So you're really looking for a job? Do you have any experience?"
"My parents run a convenience store and I used to help them out. I'd rather not go back there though."
Junsu thought for a moment.
"Hyukjae's sister owns a coffee shop. I can ask him to ask her for you."
"I feel bad when you keep helping me out like this and I don't do anything in return."
"Don't worry about it. It's not your fault I'm way too good for this world."
Jaejoong rolled his eyes at that, but silently promised to be a better friend from now on.
Jaejoong was so absorbed in summarising information and then typing it out that he didn't notice there was someone behind him, until a hand reached for the book lying next to his laptop.
He barely managed to avoid getting hit in the head with it as he spun around. Junsu slammed it down on his desk instead. "You need to get out of here."
"I'm fine, thanks."
Junsu gave him an exasperated look. "You're sitting at your desk. You never sit at your desk. What student works at their desk in the middle of the day unless they've given up on life?"
Jaejoong just hummed and turned around again, but Junsu reached over his shoulder and closed his laptop.
"You're moving in soon, we need to at least celebrate for that."
Jaejoong sighed. "Why did I give you the code to my apartment?"
"Because you promised to be a better friend."
That made an impact. Jaejoong still wasn't doing a very good job at this, he knew that.
"Okay, fine. Where do you want to go?"
"Doesn't matter, let's just hang out, with Yunho, like before. The usual, coffee, or food.. a movie maybe?"
Jaejoong didn't even remember the last time they went to the cinema, so he wouldn't call it 'the usual', but he shrugged. "Okay."
"Great, see you at eight."
"We're not going right now?"
"I have a project meeting first. And you need to shower. But if you're not there at eight I'll come back to drag you."
Just a little past eight, Jaejoong found Yunho at their favourite coffee shop, but Junsu wasn't there.
Yunho smiled widely. "So you are still alive. Long time no see."
Jaejoong rolled his eyes. "Why does everyone assume I'm about to kill myself? It's really getting old. Su isn't here yet?"
"We're just worried. You look.. never mind. No, I haven't seen him."
Jaejoong sighed and went to get coffee.
Yunho gave him a curious look when he came back. "You drink it black? I thought.. I almost bought you a latte before you got here."
Jaejoong took a sip. He hated the bitter taste. "I need it to stay awake."
Yunho's expression turned slightly worried. "When was the last time you slept for more than a couple of hours?"
"I need to work."
"A big project?"
"Something like that.. I guess.. I'm working on being a better person."
Yunho gave him a curious look.
"Don't ask, can we talk about something trivial please? I don't care how boring."
Yunho kept looking at him for a while longer, but then he grabbed a menu and started to make terrible puns with the drinks on it. Jaejoong couldn't help but laugh and feel a bit better.
Half an hour later, halfway through Jaejoong's second cup of black coffee, Junsu still wasn't there. He didn't pick up his phone either.
"I don't think he's coming," Yunho said.
"That's stupid. This was his idea, and he would tell us if something came up." Jaejoong tried calling again. "Dammit, Su, pick up, you bastard." He wondered if this was how Junsu felt when he worried about him.
Yunho sighed, reached out and took his phone away from his ear. "Look." He held out his own phone, with a message from Junsu on the screen.
Have a nice date. Thank me later.
Jaejoong raised his eyebrows. "What does that mean?"
"It means he wants me to confess my feelings for you, but I think it's a little too late for that. How are things with Yoochun?"
Jaejoong stared at him.
Yunho smiled and shook his head. "You really didn't know? That I had a crush on you?"
"I.. " Jaejoong tried to think. He couldn't deny he'd noticed some things in Yunho's behaviour. "I may have suspected something, but I kind of.. ignored it. Yunho, I'm really sorry. I do like you a lot as a friend, but-"
Yunho held up a hand. "You don't have to. If I wasn't expecting this response, I would have confessed confidently."
Yunho didn't sound upset, but Jaejoong still felt terrible.
There was a long awkward silence.
"We're friends.. right?" Jaejoong asked carefully.
Yunho smiled widely. "Yes, please."
Jaejoong returned his smile. "Are we still going to watch a movie?"
"Do you feel like it?"
Jaejoong considered lying, then said: ".. not really."
"Me neither. And I actually think it's better if you go home early and sleep."
"Maybe you're right." Jaejoong stared at his bitter coffee.
Neither of them moved.
Finally, Yunho cleared his throat and when he spoke he suddenly sounded unusually serious. "Jaejoong.. I need to tell you something."
Jaejoong's hands clenched around his cup. "There's more?"
"This is different. I need to confess something else. You know I found the site and your profile when I was crushing on you online like a true nerd. And I told you that I didn't tell anyone about it."
"Yes.. not even Junsu, right?"
"Not Junsu, but.. I told Yoochun. I'm sorry I lied to you. You already seemed so upset when I told you that I found out."
Jaejoong's heart reacted to hearing the name before his mind caught up. Maybe he should get mad at Yunho for sharing information like that, but all he could say was: "You know Yoochun?"
"He's a regular at the bar where I work. You are too, although I haven't seen either of you in a while." Yunho smiled again. "You really drink too much when you go out, you know that? You never once recognised me. I even thought you were ignoring me on purpose for a while."
Jaejoong didn't know how many more shocking revelations he could handle. "..I'm sorry.. I really didn't know. I don't go to meet people. I go to forget. I don't really look at faces."
"I know. So many guys tried to flirt with you and you were never interested. Yoochun was one of the few who actually dared to approach you, but he got rejected just like the others."
Jaejoong clenched his hands into fists. Yoochun had asked him out before.. the normal way? He had seemed vaguely familiar during their first dinner, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't remember where he'd seen him before.
Yoochun had asked him out and he didn't even remember. It must have been a bad night, because club nights were always bad, but that was hardly an excuse. It hurt.
Yunho kept talking. "He wasn't just a regular customer. He used to be my English tutor, back when my parents still thought I should study abroad." Yunho laughed. "I really sucked at anything that wasn't math, but he was very patient. He's a nice guy. I like him."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"You needed someone to treat you right, but you didn't even notice me. You were all caught up in the sugar daddy thing. I thought that if I told him about the site he might try to contact you that way. He seemed serious about liking you, and you were so completely unapproachable. I didn't tell him much, just that, and maybe that it would be your birthday soon."
"You never told me how you felt, but you told Yoochun to.. go for it? You helped him?"
"I'd say I regret it, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have made a difference. You didn't feel like dating anyone. You kept telling us. Maybe I was a coward, maybe my feelings just weren't strong enough.. I don't know. No offence, but right now I don't feel bad about giving you up, definitely not if it's to Yoochun."
Still trying to avoid thinking about that name, Jaejoong's brain was stuck in a loop. Why.. why couldn't it be Yunho?
Why didn't he notice that an attractive friend had a crush on him? Why did he fall for someone else instead, someone who was a lot older and pretended to be rich? What kind of person did that make him?
Yunho was a great guy. Jaejoong looked at him in a way he never had before.. tried to imagine..
"Stop it," Yunho said. "Don't force yourself. I'm not going to be the rebound guy. You miss him."
He did. He missed Yoochun, and not because of his money.
Junsu jumped up from the couch when Hyukjae let Jaejoong in. He started firing questions right away. "What are you doing here? Why are you back so early? What happened?"
"If you want to know what we did you should have come," Jaejoong said. "But you didn't miss much."
"Did you just wait for me. Is that all you did together? Really? Oh my god, Yunho is such an idiot."
Jaejoong feigned ignorance. "What do you mean?" He stepped around Junsu and dropped down on the couch. "Can I sleep here tonight? I don't feel like going home."
"He really didn't tell you anything?"
Jaejoong shrugged. "We drank coffee, and he said he liked me."
Junsu quickly sat down next to him. "What did you say? Did you reject him?"
"Yes, although I hardly said anything. He basically rejected himself. Why are you so interested?"
Junsu narrowed his eyes. "Did you hurt him? Jae, he has a serious crush on you. If you were an insensitive bitch about this I'm no longer your friend."
Jaejoong looked at him.
Talking with Yunho had reminded him of another suspicion he had. It was a guess, really, but he knew Junsu a lot better than he knew Yunho. He just hadn't paid either of them much attention lately.
"You like Yunho."
Junsu's expression and the sudden silence were a strong confirmation.
Jaejoong had a terrible thought then. "How long have you known? That he had a crush on me?"
"Did you honestly not know at all?" Junsu asked. He didn't sound angry or surprised, just a bit sad, but Jaejoong didn't know how much he was holding back.
".. I'm sorry.. that must have been.. I'm sorry."
"I was actually glad that you're a clueless idiot, though it wasn't fun to watch. You weren't consciously leading him on or anything. But it was still hard to convince myself that it's not really your fault that he doesn't notice me at all."
"Doesn't he hang out with you more than with me? I thought you were getting really close."
"Yeah, I know, it's great," Junsu said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "friendzoned."
"I'm sorry," Jaejoong said again.
"Stop apologising, or I might really find some way to blame you."
"But does he even know how you feel? Because if he doesn't I'm not sure if you can call it-"
"I did drop some hints, but there's no point. If you'd only paid him a little bit of attention you'd know. He would be telling me about the death of his grandma or something and the moment you walk in he's all sunshine and rainbows."
When he thought about it, Jaejoong couldn't remember seeing a weak or sad Yunho, not once. But if Yunho could be more himself around Junsu, wasn't that a good thing?
"Maybe he just never considered it because your hints weren't clear enough?"
"Don't even think about meddling," Junsu gave him a warning look. "This is my problem and I've already accepted things the way they are."
"Like Yunho did with me? What is wrong with you people? Are you going to love one-sidedly for the rest of your life? Don't set him up on a date with me. I feel bad now. And even if you're so sure he'll reject you, just confess and get rejected if that's what you need to move on."
Junsu snorted. "You are giving me advice on moving on?"
"I got over Hyunjoong didn't I? I'll.. I'll get over Yoochun too."
Junsu raised his eyebrows. "Okay. Ask me about Yunho again when you're done with that."
"Fine," Jaejoong said, "I'll try not to meddle." But he knew there couldn't have been a better opportunity to do something in return for Junsu's support.
8. Honey
6. Lemon
5. Banana
4. Wine
3. Mango
2. Cake
1. Chocolate